Jurors are big fat babies
Jun. 30, 2009 by JJ
People hate jury duty. It’s the one day when adults are forced to act like adults - and that’s fucking bullshit. When you get your summons in the mail, the letter reminds you of a few basic rules: dress appropriately, leave your cell phones and weapons at home, and show up on time. Then when you first arrive, you are bombarded with signs reminding you of those same basic rules. A couple others are added, like no smoking in the courthouse, and no food or drinks.
Rules rules rules. Fuck rules. There was a huge line at the security check-in, where court officers were confiscating cell phones (you can get it back at the end of the day) and telling people to throw away their food and drinks. People were pissed. They were in sheer disbelief that a court officer would have the balls to tell them they can’t bring a fountain Coke into the building. And how dare you take my cell phone!
These people, by the way, were mostly dressed in shorts, tshirts, jeans, even tank tops. Fucking slobs. Luckily for them, the court won’t turn someone away for being dressed like an idiot. Being charged with contempt of court would be a huge pain in the ass. Because then you’d have to come back - only this time you wouldn’t be in the jury box.
Once you get inside, there’s a lot of waiting. Sitting around on hard wooden benches and chairs while counting the hours. Got jury duty anytime soon? Better bring a book. Or two.
And how do adults act when they are forced to wait around in silence? Like little fucking children, that’s how. It’s really not that hard to understand. You’re in court. There are cases going on all around you. Life or death shit. And some of that shit is in the newspapers. So the next rule is: No fucking talking. The court officials can’t have their jurors discussing any ongoing trials, and the easiest way to make that happen is to prevent them from talking. Well it sounds easy anyway.
You know what happens when you tell a 3 year old to sit still and keep quiet? They can’t stand it. They giggle and jabber and fidget. Just like a Philadelphia juror. To me, sitting still for a day while reading a good book isn’t that difficult. It’s actually kind of nice to have a little peace and quiet - to get a break from my stressful workweek. To the average juror, it’s torture.
Throughout the day, people were laughing and chatting, and eating and sleeping. Somehow, several people managed to sneak their cell phones into the building (shit - if they can sneak cell phones in, does that mean people could sneak weapons in too?). So cell phones were ringing every few minutes. And people snuck food in too. Some fat chick pulled a family size bag of chips out of her oversized purse and chowed the fuck down.
So after you’ve waited several hours, you enter the jury selection process. That’s when they choose 14 people for a trial out of your group of 50 or so. During this process they ask a lot of questions. Things like - would you believe a police officer’s testimony over that of anyone else just because of their profession? Can you understand that just because someone is in custody does not mean they are guilty - that they are innocent until proven guilty? Can you set aside your personal prejudices and give your opinion on this case simply based on the evidence presented?
Several people saw these questions as their opportunity to get out of serving.
Judge: “Would you believe the testimony of a police officer over someone else just because they are a police officer?”
Childish weasel of a juror: “Yep.”
Judge: “What if I asked you to set aside the officer’s profession and treat their testimony just like the testimony of anyone else. Could you follow that instruction?”
Childish weasel of a juror: “Nope.”
Judge: “So you’re telling me you always believe what an officer says simply because of their job?”
Childish weasel of a juror: “Yes.”
*Judge winces, knowing that the juror is just trying to get out of serving.*
This happened a few times with various questions. One guy even claimed he would be unable to discuss the case with the other jurors during deliberations - because after that conversation he would be unable to form his own opinion. He’d be too influenced and intimidated by the other jurors.
You know what? How about you act like an adult and follow the judge’s instructions? This is Philadelphia. Birthplace of the Declaration of Independence. Other countries don’t give their citizens things like the right to a trial by a jury of your peers, the right to a speedy trial, or the right to decline to testify in court. This is the fucking judicial system. How about you quit making excuses, quit trying to sneak food and cell phones into the courthouse, and quit acting like a fidgety, giggling child.
Listen - jury duty sucks. It really really sucks. But let’s all agree that we all share the same obligation to serve on a jury from time to time. Let’s show up when summoned, wait quietly as we meet our responsibility, and act like adults for one simple fucking day.
