Things to Do in Denver When You’re Drunk

We flew into Denver from Philly. I stopped at the pisser. There was an old man taking a leak at one of the urinals. He farted for like ten seconds.

My mini-vacation randomized for your enjoyment:

My family is insane. They're so insane that I seem totally normal when I'm hanging out with them. At least that's what I tell myself.

Steamboat Springs was my cousin's idea. She figured we could all meet up in some random place and drink like fish for a few days. It worked.

We all climbed into the basket of a hot air balloon. I nearly shit my pants as we left the ground. An hour later we landed. My brother suggested we buy a thank you card for the pilot. In it, he would write, "Thank you for not killing us."

Some peculiar plants and animals thrive at eight thousand feet above sea level. Foxes, aspens, gay-looking baby mohawks, etc. I have two brothers. One of them is gay. I looked gayer than he did (as usual I suppose).

The cabin we stayed in was pretty swank. There was a pool table, six bedrooms, a hot tub, and the severed head of an innocent animal.

As we descended in the balloon, the pilot aimed us for a safe landing spot - in the middle of a fucking subdivision! We flew right over a gang of extreme-sports-type teenagers sleeping on a trampoline. I'm still confused about that.

Steamboat Springs has an old timey downtown, with little shops and cafes and what-not. There were quite a few people strolling around window shopping. But there were a helluva lot more people shopping at Wal-Mart. Seriously - there was a fucking Wal-Mart in the middle of this tiny little resort town.

My father bought poker chips, decent ones. We had a little Hold'em tournament. My wife killed. I'm okay with that.

My brother invented a new variety of billiards. It's called speed pool. You play against the clock. You start with a full rack. The clock starts as soon as you break. The goal is to knock down every ball. The best method is not to go crazy. Be patient and take good shots. My brother set the record of two minutes and five seconds after guzzling several Grey Goose and tonics. I broke his record by ten seconds. That's because I'm a fucking rock star.

Big brother said he probably didn't invent speed pool. He figures someone else probably thought of it a long time ago. But I don't think that really matters. He had never heard of it before. He just thought of it, so that means he invented it.

On the flight home, I was psyched to see there was a vegetarian option for the in flight meal. It was some kind of veggie sandwich wrap. But by the time the flying waitress got to my row they were gone. "Do I want the chicken instead? Uh, no."

I bought a magazine to read on the flight home. It had an interview with Opie and Anthony. I'm a big fan of the show. But I had to be really careful as I thumbed through the pages to find the article. That's because the magazine was Penthouse. The interview was sub-par. They didn't even mention Little Jimmy Norton. Don't buy a nine dollar magazine to read one article. Buy it to look at vaginas.