I quit the gym. I’m just a skinny fella, and I joined a gym a few months back to gain a little weight. I started eating a shitload of protein and worked out a few times a week. But laziness quickly set in. I haven’t been back to the gym in over a month.

Yesterday, I cancelled my membership. However, I do have a fucked up workout plan. I doubt it’ll help me build muscle, but hopefully it’ll help keep me from fattening up too much.

Here’s the daily plan which I’ve already begun:

  • Eat a breakfast with protein (eggs).
  • Work for at least 8 hours, sitting in my cube.
  • Eat lunch (this isn’t easy for me - work’s been busy)
  • Head home.
  • Spend several hours on the internet.
  • Drink several beers.
  • Eat a huge dinner.
    *Now here’s where the workout begins*
  • Do 30 pushups.

The 30 pushups thing is at least mildly insane. Every night before bed, I take the dog out for a piss. I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building, so that trip involves a 15 second elevator ride down and one more 15 second trip back up.

I’ve recently discovered I can do about 15 pushups in 15 seconds… in the elevator. It’s pretty late when I take the dog out, so it’s rare that anyone hops in there with us.

The elevator isn’t very big. I have to position myself diagonally to have enough room for my workout. I’m able to tell when the elevator is stopping at the ground floor. I always hop up and try to act normal when the door opens. So far, no one has caught me in the act. But I do have a few unanswered questions:

  • Is there a security camera in the elevator?
  • Can the security guard at the front desk see me doing pushups?
  • Will 30 pushups keep me from getting fat?
  • Does my dog think I’m completely insane?
  • Am I?
  • Did you catch my reference to Silence of the Lambs?

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