Soon I’ll be a Great Big Fat Person

29Sep/0514

Soon I’ll be a Great Big Fat Person

I quit the gym. I'm just a skinny fella, and I joined a gym a few months back to gain a little weight. I started eating a shitload of protein and worked out a few times a week. But laziness quickly set in. I haven't been back to the gym in over a month.

Yesterday, I cancelled my membership. However, I do have a fucked up workout plan. I doubt it'll help me build muscle, but hopefully it'll help keep me from fattening up too much.

Here's the daily plan which I've already begun:

Eat a breakfast with protein (eggs).
Work for at least 8 hours, sitting in my cube.
Eat lunch (this isn't easy for me - work's been busy)
Head home.
Spend several hours on the internet.
Drink several beers.
Eat a huge dinner.
*Now here's where the workout begins*
Do 30 pushups.

The 30 pushups thing is at least mildly insane. Every night before bed, I take the dog out for a piss. I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building, so that trip involves a 15 second elevator ride down and one more 15 second trip back up.

I've recently discovered I can do about 15 pushups in 15 seconds... in the elevator. It's pretty late when I take the dog out, so it's rare that anyone hops in there with us.

The elevator isn't very big. I have to position myself diagonally to have enough room for my workout. I'm able to tell when the elevator is stopping at the ground floor. I always hop up and try to act normal when the door opens. So far, no one has caught me in the act. But I do have a few unanswered questions:

Is there a security camera in the elevator?
Can the security guard at the front desk see me doing pushups?
Will 30 pushups keep me from getting fat?
Does my dog think I'm completely insane?
Am I?
Did you catch my reference to Silence of the Lambs?

Tagged as: fat, gym Leave a comment

Comments (14) Trackbacks (0) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

Omnipotent Poobah
September 29th, 2005 - 13:37

JJ,

I’m not one to criticize since I don’t exercise AND I eat too much, but every time I think about people going to gyms it reminds me of how far we’ve come as a nation.

One hundred years ago people would have paid NOT to exercise. After 12 or 14 hours plowing the fields or mining the coal, sleep was probably all that was on their minds. I think it’s ironic that today, millions of people PAY to do what they would have avoided at all costs back then.

Is this why capitalism works?

Just wondering. Great post.
Ev
September 29th, 2005 - 14:21

Okay:

A) Any excercise you do will help, but 20 minutes of strenght training 3 times a week should be enough.

I’d suggest doing no weight squats, pushups and jumping jacks.

B) Fuck it, you’re from Florida, so be a fat, ex-floridian redneck.

C) You are gay for quitting the gym. Be a man and get your ass back in the gym.
Ev
September 29th, 2005 - 14:22

I mispelled strength. I always do, on account of the brain surgery.
jimmy
September 29th, 2005 - 14:30

say it loud!!

i’m fat and i’m proud!

or i have a thyroid problem. i’m not proud of that.
heather
September 29th, 2005 - 15:30

the security guard’s job is to sit in front of the tv all day, so he is probably not in the best shape. it is likely that he sees you being all skinny and the like doing a mere 15 push-ups, and thinking he should give it a shot.
SAR
September 29th, 2005 - 17:32

Having seen Silence of The Lambs a zillion times, I caught your elevator reference.

I also think there are better ways you can be active in an elevator and burn calories in the process. But you might not want to bring the dog along.
erika
September 29th, 2005 - 17:37

Dogs always think that people are insane. So I wouldn’t worry too much.
JJ
September 29th, 2005 - 18:46

Ev:
You misspelled “misspelled.”

Sar:
I was referring to the scene when Clarice asks Jame Gumb about the kidnapping victim and he says, “Was she a great big fat person?”
Sam
September 29th, 2005 - 22:01

SAR – unless he’s into that sort of thing. Talk about f**king the pooch.

JJ – So, why are you clinging onto those last 30 pushups? Give it up already. And, work is for chumps, give that up too.

My workout routine suggestion for you: Beer, tv, dinner, repeat.

Join the rest of North America in its quest for larger living.
Janice
September 30th, 2005 - 00:32

Actually, sex doesn’t really burn enough calories to be considered exercise. It’s really just for fun (and procreation, if you’re into that sort of thing).
Diane
September 30th, 2005 - 02:14

That all depends on who you’re having sex with
SAR
September 30th, 2005 - 10:01

JJ – I read too deep into your Silence of The Lamb reference. I thought you were referring to Hannibal’s physical transformation in the elevator.

And I still content you can burn plenty o’ calories having sex, especially in the confines of an elevator.
nappy40
September 30th, 2005 - 14:28

What if that dog pisses in the elevator while you’re down there doing push ups? That’s too risky.
JJ
September 30th, 2005 - 15:24

Hahaha! Yes! You are so right.