I am Eddie Haskell. I am a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I am a clean cut kiss-ass from 9am to 6pm Monday through Friday, but I can’t wait to let loose when I’m not at work. But how does the DHL guy know this?

You can ask any of my former co-workers, they’ll tell you. (Don’t bother asking my current co-workers, because they don’t even know The Churning exists.) I’m a yes-man at work. I’m 29, but I look 20. Blond, blue eyes. Average height, thin. I look like a young republican.

But somehow, as I was leaving work on Friday, I must have let a little of my true personality show. Through my walk, or my sly smile, shit who knows?

I was heading toward the elevator on the way out of the building. I saw the DHL shipment guy in the hallway. He was there to make the last pickup of the day. I had never seen this guy before, so it’s not like he knew me or anything. But I’m a pretty friendly guy. I smiled as we passed.

Me: “How you doing today?”
DHL Dude: “Not bad. You ready to party?”
Me: “Yeah, man. It’s Friday.”
DHL Dude: “Yeah - you look like one of them wild guys.”
*awkward half-second confused pause*
Me: “I guess I am sometimes.”

I immediately thought, “The secret’s out.” I figured I must have fucked up the Eddie Haskell routine. People could now see the truth. They could see through my weekday disguise.

Maybe it was my wardrobe. I was wearing a faux-hipster sportcoat with jeans. You could see the strange print on my t-shirt poking out from my untucked oxford. Perhaps the guy could just tell that I wasn’t wearing the typical office drone attire.

But it just doesn’t compute. Why would he ask me if I was ready to party? Isn’t that some kind of drug reference?

Maybe he was hitting on me. I guess a little flirtation with the DHL guy never hurt anyone. Shit. I’m so conceited. The DHL guy makes a passing comment and I think he wanted me.

Please help me out here. WTF?

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