My Roommate Shit on the Coffee Table
(I first posted this story over at Moo Alex.)
It's true. He took a big dump right in the middle of the living room coffee table.
It was April 1st during my junior year of college. I woke up that morning and trudged downstairs for breakfast. I was probably going to eat Ramen noodles and Kool-Aid, which was my regular diet at the time, but I soon lost my appetite.
I looked down and noticed newspaper spread across the top of the coffee table. My first thought was maybe Roommate was working on some sort art project, or more likely he was drying out a batch of mushrooms. I walked over for a closer look.
There was a small pile of shit logs on the newspaper. I jumped back as if I just saw a cobra ready to strike. I wanted to ignore it, but my curiosity got the better of me. I had to investigate.
Right next to it, a stick of incense was burning. And there was a small white card folded in half, with a handwritten phrase on one side like the title of an art piece. I guess he was working on an art project after all. This one had some sacrilegious title like "Frankincense and Merr."
The display was pretty impressive. But I wondered how he set the whole thing up. Did he stand on the table and squat?
Turns out he brought a Tupperware bowl to the bathroom, shat in it, and wiped up. Then he brought the bowl into the living room and dumped the pile onto the newspaper. He also made sure to throw the bowl away in the dumpster outside our apartment. (Thankfully he didn't try to wash it in the sink.)
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November 22nd, 2005 - 02:26
Shitting for art… Hmmm. Does it pay?
November 22nd, 2005 - 08:18
Someone always crosses the proverbial line.
November 22nd, 2005 - 12:33
Can’t say I’ve ever encountered shit on a table, but I have encountered piss in a hat.
As a youngster in the Air Force, one of my comrades in arms woke up from a drunken sleep, shuffled to his door and turned right. He walked two doors down to my room, walked over to a small table where my roommate kept his hat, and filled it with piss. As my roommate and I watched with mouths agape, he shuffled back to his room and returned to the sleep that only a tried and true drunk can muster.
The punch line…if he had turned left leaving his room, he would have been in the bathroom, exactly where the urinals were located.
I guess the moral to the story is, if you’re dyslexic, don’t get drunk.
November 22nd, 2005 - 13:32
i once pooped on a Britney Spears poster…but it wasnt for art’s sake. It was a form of political and religious protest.
November 22nd, 2005 - 16:06
Am I wrong? Are there suddenly ads on these posts?
November 22nd, 2005 - 17:33
Now there’s a title that’ll catch the eye.
)
LOL
November 22nd, 2005 - 22:07
OH COME ON! One of you seriously perverted people MUST have something to send to DEAR FOLLY. Give her something really bizarre to answer. LOL Write her! She answers on Fridays on my blog. Send mail to- dearfolly@dianesstuff.com
November 23rd, 2005 - 10:05
Time for another stop at a local internet cafe…
I’m in Chiang Mai Thailand now, but not for long. Headed to Ko Samui in the morning. Here’s a tip – never eat Mexican food in Chiang Mai. There are only two Mexican restaurants in this city, and they both suck ass. The guacamole doesn’t even have avacado in it.
Ranting:
I guess so. The dude went on to work for the show called The Family Guy in L.A.
Marc:
And that someone is usually me!
Poobah:
Ahhh.. the old pissing in the wrong spot routine. I’ve done that too many times.
JuicyA:
Shitting on Britney? Is she into Cleveland steamers?!?!
Maine:
Yeah, I’m a sellout. Too bad nobody’s buying.
MacBros:
I’m pretty proud of it if I do say so myself.
Diane:
Good call. These people need help (myself included).
November 24th, 2005 - 13:17
I once had a housemate wipe his ass with another housemate’s wash cloth. Honestly, it was no big deal because we were out of t-paper. The one little issue, that resulted in him getting kicked out of the house, was that he hid the offending wash cloth in the cabinet under the sink. We just couldn’t come to grips with his thinking.
November 24th, 2005 - 14:56
I think J. London shitting on the carpet during a party beats this. Luckily, I didn’t witness that in person. Only heard the stories.
February 8th, 2006 - 17:26
Just got an update from my old roomie…
The “art” was titled Elvis of Nazareth!
January 14th, 2011 - 02:53
i shat in a wine cooling bucket at treasure island in vegas. my roommate was taking a shower and suddenly i had to go immediately. i tried the door but it was locked. we were on the 24th floor and i knew i wouldn’t make it to a lobby bathroom in time. i looked around and saw the wine-cooling bucket. grabbed some plastic bag and lined it. that was a good shit. i threw the bucket in the hallway garbage. this was in 2002 december.
it’s nice to meet people who aren’t squeamish about shit.
cheers!!