Old German Remedies

I’m in Chattanooga, TN visiting my dad and his German girlfriend. Seems like every time I visit my dad, I’m sick with something. Last time it was food poisoning. This time, it’s a stuffy nose and a cough. On the way to his house, we stopped by the CVS so I could pick up some medicine.

But before I could even get out of the car, my dad’s girlfriend, went on a 10-minute tirade about “Vat? Those medicines are so bad! How can you take those? I’ve never taken any medicine in my entire life! And never am sick! And vhy not sniff varm sea salt vater in your nose?” "Uhh...." Just to appease her, I told her I would try medicine first and if that didn’t work go I'd try the old German remedy, which she claimed yoga practicers do every day to prevent sinus infections.

So, I went in, bought the medicine (and was carded!), went home, and drugged myself in hope of feeling better. On a sidenote, it turns out some cold medicine, specifically Sudafed, is sold behind the counter now, because kids are using it to make crystal meth. WTF?!?

After 24 hours of feeling worse, I decided to take the crazy German's advice. She dissolved sea salt in warm water. I took a spoonful of this medicine, tilted my head back, and let it pour into my nostril and down the back of my throat. Never in my life have a felt so much pain, in fact, I joked that the only reason why it seemed to work was because I could ONLY feel better after that salty mixture came into contact with my already tender nostrils. Three days and 15 nasal attacks later, and I am now a firm believer. I even looked it up online to figure out how it worked.

And the weird thing is that my dad's girlfriend reminded me of her remedy for my food poisoning incident which kept me in the bathroom quite frequently. Fresh grated apple (it must be grated). It worked like a charm.

Here are a couple of other old German remedies. Don't ask me how the hell they work, but they do:

1) Got hiccups? Swallow saliva 4-5 times, without breathing. If your baby has hiccups? Put some socks on its feet.
2) Have a headache? Tiger balm on the back of your neck.
3) Feeling achey? Tiger balm where it hurts.
4) Chest congestion? Tiger balm on your chest. (No, I'm not a spokesperson for Tiger Balm.)
5) Diarreah? Grated apple.
6) Your baby has gas? Give him/her fennel tea in place of water. Apple juice is a big no no. As for adults? Sorry, if she figured that one out a long time ago, she would be a happy woman.
7) Got a stomach ache because you ate too much? Chamomile tea.
Cramps? Heating pad! My mama taught me this one. Works wonders for tummy aches too. At work: lean up against a warm copy machine. Yeah, my colleauges think I'm a freak, but hey, no more aches and pains!
9) Stung by an insect? Cut and rub a raw onion or potato on the bite. It'll help with the swelling and the pain.
Fungus on your feet? Piss on it, but only the first morning piss. That's critical.
9) Stye on your eye? Dab a bit of piss on it. Again, morning piss only.

This crazy (yet incredibly amazing) German woman thinks urine is the most versatile medicinal thing out there! In fact, she has a book all about it. Too bad it's written in German.