I had just taken a huge shit at a bar in Patpong, Bangkok’s red light district, when a dude snuck up behind me and put me in a half nelson.

The place was awesome. They had a Thai Elvis impersonator who was flanked by four hot gogo dancers in bikinis. There was a balding American guy who sang blues and classic rock. I was downing Singha beers and vodka Red Bulls, and even though there were dozens of Americans and Europeans in the place, I was definitely the whitest guy in the room.

My Lady and I had seats right in front of the stage thanks to our friend Niki. She helped us with our travel plans and offered to give us a tour of Bangkok night life. Turns out she used to manage the bar we were hanging out in.

So I had just taken a shit and I walked over to the sink to wash up. A well dressed Thai dude approached me with a clean towel in his outstretched hand. My first thought was, “Shit, what kind of tip should I give a Thai bathroom attendant?”

The dude handed me the towel. It was warm and moist, like the kind you get in a Sushi restaurant before the meal. I thanked him and turned toward the sink, facing the mirror. I started washing my hands and as I looked up toward the mirror, I could see the towel guy walking up behind me. I knew he worked there and I was pretty confident that he wasn’t going to try to steal my wallet or anything. But what did happen startled me even more.

He karate chopped me on the back. Okay, it wasn’t really a karate chop. It was like a massage style karate chop. He used both hands, tapping the muscles around my upper spine.

I was a little freaked out. I dried my hands and tried to turn around. He grabbed my shoulder and stopped me. “Relax,” he said quietly. This was getting totally weird, but for some reason I felt like I could trust the guy. I turned back toward the mirror and he grabbed my right arm. He pulled my hand up behind my head like a half nelson. He put his left hand on my hip and began to twist my body. I had no idea how to react. Then CRAAACKK! My back made a noise like a beer can being crushed. Nice!

He switched up and did the same with my left arm, twisting me the other way. Then he grabbed my chin in one hand and the back of my head in the other. I could tell he was going to twist my neck like a ninja. CRAAACKK! Then he spun my head in the other direction. CRAAACKK!

I felt better. I didn’t know I was tense but I must have been, because somehow having my back cracked made me feel more comfortable and loose. I tipped the guy 80 baht (two dollars) and headed back to our table. I told My Lady that I got a massage in the bathroom. She wasn’t buying it. I mean really, who would believe that. But Niki backed me up, “Yeah, that’s normal. They give massages in the restroom.”

Fuck. I wish she told me that before I went in there. For a minute I thought he wanted to make out with me.

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