Yes, I got a Massage From a Dude in a Thai Bathroom

7Dec/0519

Yes, I got a Massage From a Dude in a Thai Bathroom

I had just taken a huge shit at a bar in Patpong, Bangkok's red light district, when a dude snuck up behind me and put me in a half nelson.

The place was awesome. They had a Thai Elvis impersonator who was flanked by four hot gogo dancers in bikinis. There was a balding American guy who sang blues and classic rock. I was downing Singha beers and vodka Red Bulls, and even though there were dozens of Americans and Europeans in the place, I was definitely the whitest guy in the room.

My Lady and I had seats right in front of the stage thanks to our friend Niki. She helped us with our travel plans and offered to give us a tour of Bangkok night life. Turns out she used to manage the bar we were hanging out in.

So I had just taken a shit and I walked over to the sink to wash up. A well dressed Thai dude approached me with a clean towel in his outstretched hand. My first thought was, "Shit, what kind of tip should I give a Thai bathroom attendant?"

The dude handed me the towel. It was warm and moist, like the kind you get in a Sushi restaurant before the meal. I thanked him and turned toward the sink, facing the mirror. I started washing my hands and as I looked up toward the mirror, I could see the towel guy walking up behind me. I knew he worked there and I was pretty confident that he wasn't going to try to steal my wallet or anything. But what did happen startled me even more.

He karate chopped me on the back. Okay, it wasn't really a karate chop. It was like a massage style karate chop. He used both hands, tapping the muscles around my upper spine.

I was a little freaked out. I dried my hands and tried to turn around. He grabbed my shoulder and stopped me. "Relax," he said quietly. This was getting totally weird, but for some reason I felt like I could trust the guy. I turned back toward the mirror and he grabbed my right arm. He pulled my hand up behind my head like a half nelson. He put his left hand on my hip and began to twist my body. I had no idea how to react. Then CRAAACKK! My back made a noise like a beer can being crushed. Nice!

He switched up and did the same with my left arm, twisting me the other way. Then he grabbed my chin in one hand and the back of my head in the other. I could tell he was going to twist my neck like a ninja. CRAAACKK! Then he spun my head in the other direction. CRAAACKK!

I felt better. I didn't know I was tense but I must have been, because somehow having my back cracked made me feel more comfortable and loose. I tipped the guy 80 baht (two dollars) and headed back to our table. I told My Lady that I got a massage in the bathroom. She wasn't buying it. I mean really, who would believe that. But Niki backed me up, "Yeah, that's normal. They give massages in the restroom."

Fuck. I wish she told me that before I went in there. For a minute I thought he wanted to make out with me.

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Comments (19) Trackbacks (0) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

Maine
December 7th, 2005 - 15:59

Too bad. At the bar across the street, they give you a blowjob.
mojotek
December 7th, 2005 - 16:04

Wow… actually pretty cool. I would have been startled at first too, then maybe let him start his Chiropractor impersonation. But it would have been hard after hearing that first crack to trust him enough that he knew what he was doing.

Weird definitely, but still pretty cool.
HotToTrot
December 7th, 2005 - 16:52

But the thing that I still don’t understand is why didn’t they give massages in the women’s bathroom!?!? C’mon!
Diane
December 7th, 2005 - 17:05

Good thing for the guy you were pretty well wasted or your reaction time would of been quicker and you might of decked him. LOL
Marc
December 7th, 2005 - 17:27

Why are all my nights out similar to yours and JMo’s?
RockyJay
December 7th, 2005 - 18:32

I mean he was dressed as a girl, right? That’s why you let him touch you in the first place? Right? Please, tell me I’m right? You woudn’t let dude touch you, massage or not!

What did I tell you; although hindsight is always 20/20, I warned you about them Thai cross-dressers…

BTW; that title (of this) post is gonna kill you when Google indexes it… That’s why I never use the word: GAY in my blog… LOL
christa
December 7th, 2005 - 18:48

I must say that I’ve bumped into a lot of weird things in ladies rooms around the globe, but I’ve never had a massage…lol

Good thing that you didn’t decide to nail the guy :p That would’ve been darn embarrassing…haha
MacBros
December 7th, 2005 - 20:04

LOL @ RockyJay

Thanks for the e-mail JJ, I needed a good laugh while I was at work.
I would have decked the guy as soon as I seen him raising his hands at me.
The Ranting Human
December 8th, 2005 - 01:23

I would’ve socked him in the jaw if he had said “Relax”. Hitmen always say “Relax”. Lucky for you he wasn’t one…

Oh, and thanks for the e-mail…
Ev
December 8th, 2005 - 07:24

See, what you all don’t understand is that JJ is incapable of throwing a right cross. He couldn’t have “decked” him.

Besides, this just proves once and for all that JJ is truly “bi-curious”. I mean, there is no way in hell I’m going to let a stranger sneak up on me and start cracking my neck.

I hear there are blowjob bars in Thailand. Is this true, JJ?
mooalex
December 8th, 2005 - 09:28

You should have asked him for a happy ending.
JJ
December 8th, 2005 - 12:18

Maine:
Damn, I knew that place across the street looked pretty cool.

Mojotek:
Yeah, I think I finally realized what he was doing when I heard that first crack.

HotToTrot:
You’re right. They totally ignore the ladies. Lame. You know what though – some enterprising male pervert could feel up a ton of chicks if he started handing out free massages in a Thai women’s room. Just sayin’.

Diane:
Ev’s right. I’m a pussy.

Marc:
That’s why we get along so well. We appreciate the art of drining heavily and celebrating disfunction.

RockyJay:
If I thought the dude was a chick, I might have been even more freaked out. Like, “Why the fuck are you in the men’s room, and why are you staring at me?”
Damn, one of these days I’ll have to tell the story about my interaction with the ladyboy hairdresser in the Philippines.

Christa:
Yeah, if I took a swing at the guy, I probably would’ve been arrested.

MacBros:
I’m the perfect target. I’m very hesitant to fight back.

Ranting:
A hitman would never try to kill me. I own very little and I have no authority over anything.
You know who else says relax? Frankie Goes to Hollywood. But the guy didn’t really look like Frankie and we weren’t in Hollywood.

Ev:
I didn’t see any blowjob bars, but I did see a lady shoot a banana out of her vagina. Details another day.

MooAlex:
Hahaha! He probably would’ve decked me.
Sar
December 8th, 2005 - 12:37

“I had just taken a huge…” A little TMI there, JJ! ;0

Great story.
mooalex
December 9th, 2005 - 09:07

The terms “lady” and “shoot a banana out of her vagina” don’t really belong in the same sentence.
JJ
December 9th, 2005 - 12:41

Sar:
Shitting = my favorite conversation topic.

MooAlex:
Ha! Definitely female, but not necessarily a lady.
J.Mo
December 9th, 2005 - 13:20

I think I’m going start hanging out in men’s bathrooms giving massages. I could probably make a lot of cash that way.
the english guy
December 9th, 2005 - 13:49

The word “relax”, especially in a bathroom with a massage guy putting me a half-nelson – definately should not go together. (especially in Thailand…) Were you wearing a condom just in case?
Wysol
December 10th, 2005 - 03:49

Whoa, that wasn’t a massage. That was a full-on spinal adjustment!
JJ
December 10th, 2005 - 12:27

J.Mo:
No happy endings – you don’t wanna get arrested!

English Guy:
I totally forgot my raincoat.

Wysol:
Definitely. It was awesome.