Checking stats this morning, I noticed that someone in Kingman Arizona had a problem last night. They landed at The Churning after entering the following query at MSN Search:
I’m so horney what can I do

I’m going to address the question. And to make it easier, I’m going to assume it was a dude.

It’s sad really. I mean, you’re sitting there all alone at 10:56pm and that Seinfeld re-run is almost over. Then suddenly Elaine smashes George’s face in her tits. It’s a culmination that’s been building up. It seems like the entire episode all they’ve talked about is Elaine’s nipple slip on her annual Christmas card photo.

So now you’re fucked (well, not literally - that’s the problem). You have a giant throbbing rod struggling to poke its way out of your shorts and no one’s around to help. Sure you could rub one off without even getting up off the couch, but that wouldn’t be much fun. You need to experience something new.

So you do what any tech-savvy perv might do, you search the web for an answer. I wonder what sort of revelation you hoped to find. Maybe you thought you’d discover the phone number of a local prostitute who makes house calls (try Craigslist). Maybe you expected to learn a new way to masturbate (don’t try autoerotic asphyxiation - that’s fucking dangerous). Or perhaps you thought porn would just start spilling out of your computer (try SublimeSearch).

I see your visit to The Churning lasted less than 30 seconds. Whatever you hoped to find, I’m sorry we couldn’t help. I’d hate to think you lost your rod after stumbling across my post about turning 30. Or even worse, I’d hate to think you jerked it while reading that post.

Next time I suggest you narrow down your search a bit. It seems way too vague. Try these searches for better results (depending on your goal):
Anti-erection medication
“How to get rid of an erection”
Masturbation methods
Julia Louis-Dreyfus nipple slip

Hope that helps. Good luck to you and your boner.