Neil Armstrong and JJ’s Big Blue Bathroom.
April 13th, 2006 by Ev
What most of you don’t know is that prior to meeting JJ, I never smoked weed.
The first time JJ and I partook of the ‘pizza’ (* if you haven’t figured this shit out by now, you’re fucking retarded), it was relatively laid back. We watched some movies, ate some brownie sundaes and called it a night. For the record, we had rolled ‘pizza.’
Upon the harkening of the second coming of ‘Pizza’, JJ purchased a ‘vase’ that would allow us to fly to heights previously unrecorded. (C’mon, B-O-N-G.)
:: Now, is the part of the show where I like to explain a bit about myself.::
I don’t do anything in moderation. Not drinking and definitely not smoking. Ask Brandon, everytime we hang out, I end up passed out.
::We return you to your regularly scheduled program::
So we head over to JJ’s house and he’s excited and I’m excited and I’m excited and I’m excited. See, coming into weed this late in the game has made me a bit of an obsessed stoner. All I ever think about is toke toke toke.
Being the usual over-indulgent Caligula type figure I am, I start taking deep drawing breaths of the stickiest of the icky. Nobody tells me that once you start to feel like you never want to exhale, you should stop. So, I just keep on going, and eventually it’s just me and JJ passing back and forth until even he stops. And I keep thinking, man this shit isn’t working because I’m totally, dude, I mean I am totally, like…what the hell was I saying? Oh Jesus, that cat is moving really fast. Ha ha ha JJ is laughing and shaking like a giant JJ-styled dildo. I wonder if he knows that. You think my parents know I smoke weed? Fuck. Jesus, I would like to bang my wife. Can you get a boner when you’re stoned?
Then out of the blue, I get this rush like someone has come along and picked up my soul out of my body and thrown me into the air. And I even make this sound that comes out like “UUuuuuAAAAAHHH????” And that’s right about when things start going wrong. I start to feel like I’m going to puke, so I make my way upstairs to the bathroom and try to uppage the chuckage, but alas nothing. So, I rub some cold water from the sink on my face and lay down on the floor, because I’m starting to think holy Jesus I’m going to be the first motherfucker in the world to die from smoking pot, ha ha hahahahahahaeeeehehehe heheeeehehehe I love everything right now. I feel so good, but so terrible, dude is this what Heaven is like, I bet it is man, I bet it is.
I’m not sure if I was dreaming or if I was awake, but I started seeing Neil Armstrong floating around on JJ’s bathroom ceiling. I called out to him with my mind, but apparently I lack telepathy so he just kinda floated around. He turned that spacey helmet of his towards me and with a nod of the visor, shot me a look that said “Dude, you’re totally tripping.” I watched him float around the ceiling for a bit, and then everything went dark.
It felt like I had only been up there about 20 minutes. In reality, I had been upstairs almost 3 hours. And thus began my TRUE love of pot. Because it helps you time travel.
Time travel, motherfuckers!
RSS
I can neither confirm nor deny Ev’s statements.
JJ, you should change your name to Ollie North, you guilty motherfucker.
Sweet Jebus, Ev! I just use my handy dandy Kmart time machine to time travel.
That is the funniest shit I’ve ever read.
The best time travel devise, is the ‘gravity vase’.
snooge patrol
let me tell you man , i sure can relate to that .
and also the time thing.
when i started to smoke “pizza” as you guys call it, i felt the same .
first 10-15 min it felt like i was in heaven. but then it started.
feeling like i had to throw up , thoughts running through my head, thoughts i don’t want to share with you guys
lying down for maybe 20 min was in real time 4 hours.
so i know how it feels , i have been there. but now its much better.
just “eat ” the pizza pure. not with any tabacco. that helped for me.
peace
I used to be huge stoner in college. Then one day I was at a friends toking and I got high REALLY fast. I asked her what kind of pot it was and she said “Pot? That’s not pot, that’s OPIUM.”. I kinda’ cut back after that.
Wow….that story shows what would’ve been a better time-travel choice for Donnie Darko…..
Surely, you jest: Fuck that. Let’s just all get stoned and play “who’s in my mouth?” (Thanks, Dane Cook!)
Mel Gibson: That’s what she said, ba-damp-bomp.
Ce-saw: I’ve never tried the gravity device, but would like to. JJ, make a note.
Jay: SNOOGE TO THE MOTHERFUCKING BOOOOGE!
I can call you Betty: Please come visit the ‘States.
Funy’un’ya: Quitter.
Joe VS the volcano: Not only is Donnie Darko one of my favorite movies of all time, but it also contains the best line ever. “I think you’re the fucking anti-christ.”
I thought this was your favorite line from DD:
Donnie: You’re such a fuck-ass.
Elizabeth: What? Did you just call me a fuck-ass? You can just go suck a fuck!
I don’t know if you read one of my recent missives about my son getting arrested AT school and how I left him to rot in the damn jailhouse, well actually ordered him not to take probation because as you know once a smoker always a smoker and if you get UA’d while on probation you have to do the whole time and probably more if you flunk it, but anywho, I left him there and he only spent 5 days total and is out with time served so nothing hanging over his head and I hate like hell to have to be a bitch to someone that smokes pot because I used to smoke a hell of a lot of it and damn, I’ve dropped over 500 hits of acid and don’t start counting the shrooms I’ve eaten or the mescaline and speed I’ve done. Now I have to keep a constant eye on the kid because he CAN’T get into any more trouble or they’ll fuck seriously with him and he KNOWS the shit I’ve done which just makes it harder to say with a straight face- POT IS EVIL. But I did say it and ordered him to bring me whatever pot he had stashed and he was more than willing to do that because Harris County jail just about cured his ass, he has no desire to go back, and he brought me what he had stashed and it was bright green with red veins running through it and he said, MOM, I want to be the one to throw it away, and I said OH NO SON- I don’t trust you I’ll take care of it and damn this has turned into a long comment. Maybe because I sure as hell took care of it…
Diane: Send some of that shit my way.
Damn, I didn’t say I quit, I just said I cut back.