What most of you don’t know is that prior to meeting JJ, I never smoked weed.

The first time JJ and I partook of the ‘pizza’ (* if you haven’t figured this shit out by now, you’re fucking retarded), it was relatively laid back. We watched some movies, ate some brownie sundaes and called it a night. For the record, we had rolled ‘pizza.’

Upon the harkening of the second coming of ‘Pizza’, JJ purchased a ‘vase’ that would allow us to fly to heights previously unrecorded. (C’mon, B-O-N-G.)

:: Now, is the part of the show where I like to explain a bit about myself.::

I don’t do anything in moderation. Not drinking and definitely not smoking. Ask Brandon, everytime we hang out, I end up passed out.

::We return you to your regularly scheduled program::

So we head over to JJ’s house and he’s excited and I’m excited and I’m excited and I’m excited. See, coming into weed this late in the game has made me a bit of an obsessed stoner. All I ever think about is toke toke toke.

Being the usual over-indulgent Caligula type figure I am, I start taking deep drawing breaths of the stickiest of the icky. Nobody tells me that once you start to feel like you never want to exhale, you should stop. So, I just keep on going, and eventually it’s just me and JJ passing back and forth until even he stops. And I keep thinking, man this shit isn’t working because I’m totally, dude, I mean I am totally, like…what the hell was I saying? Oh Jesus, that cat is moving really fast. Ha ha ha JJ is laughing and shaking like a giant JJ-styled dildo. I wonder if he knows that. You think my parents know I smoke weed? Fuck. Jesus, I would like to bang my wife. Can you get a boner when you’re stoned?

Then out of the blue, I get this rush like someone has come along and picked up my soul out of my body and thrown me into the air. And I even make this sound that comes out like “UUuuuuAAAAAHHH????” And that’s right about when things start going wrong. I start to feel like I’m going to puke, so I make my way upstairs to the bathroom and try to uppage the chuckage, but alas nothing. So, I rub some cold water from the sink on my face and lay down on the floor, because I’m starting to think holy Jesus I’m going to be the first motherfucker in the world to die from smoking pot, ha ha hahahahahahaeeeehehehe heheeeehehehe I love everything right now. I feel so good, but so terrible, dude is this what Heaven is like, I bet it is man, I bet it is.

I’m not sure if I was dreaming or if I was awake, but I started seeing Neil Armstrong floating around on JJ’s bathroom ceiling. I called out to him with my mind, but apparently I lack telepathy so he just kinda floated around. He turned that spacey helmet of his towards me and with a nod of the visor, shot me a look that said “Dude, you’re totally tripping.” I watched him float around the ceiling for a bit, and then everything went dark.

It felt like I had only been up there about 20 minutes. In reality, I had been upstairs almost 3 hours. And thus began my TRUE love of pot. Because it helps you time travel.

Time travel, motherfuckers!

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