I’ve been getting some really strange email spam lately.  These new emails don’t contain the typical product descriptions and hyperlinks surrounded by surreal word combinations written with awful grammar.  Instead, it’s just a picture.  That’s it.  One jpg.

And the strangest thing is there’s no link and no contact info.  If these idiots somehow managed to reach someone with actual interest in the product, there’s no possible way for them to get a sale out of it.  I realize the message was sent via email and yes you could try to reply.  But who would waste their time?  And would the email address even work?

Now on to the message…  I’m going to paste it here just as it looked in my inbox, but I’m hiding it after the jump because it’s sorta NSFW.  It’s tame, but you probably wouldn’t want your boss to walk up behind you while you had it up on your screen.

From: Reginald (walter@griffield.biz)
Date: May 2, 2006 7:39 AM
Subject: V1agra 10 P1lls 100 mg $69.95

viagra rabbit hole

So let’s break this down a little.  It’s a picture of a couple apparently having sex.  I say “apparently” because he may just be moving in to give her the Heimlich.  Maybe she’s choking on a meatball or something. 

The other thing I noticed about the picture is the actual position they’re in.  Sure, you might assume it’s classic rear entry, but I’m not 100% sure he’s not sticking in her pooper.

And the text is so fucking funny: “Viagra.  Take the blue pill…  And I show you how far the rabbit hole goes…”  What’s the metaphor here?  Rabbit hole = vagina or rabbit hole = bunghole?  Either way, it seems like the implication is that the woman in the picture is begging the reader to take Viagra and if you do, she’ll let you bone her.

If that’s the case, this lady’s a total slut.  All you have to do is take a boner pill and she’ll spread ‘em for you.  But it’s only implied that the lady is the one making the statement.  What if it’s actually a request from Reginald the spammer?  Does this guy want to have sex with me?

As you can see I’ve got a lot of questions.  but the truth is, I don’t care to find out the answers.  So here’s my response:

Reginald,

Thank you for your email.  I’m flattered that you think of me that way.  But I’m married.  And I’m not gay.  And I don’t need Viagra to get a hard-on.  And I don’t care how far your rabbit hole goes.  In fact, I have no interest in your rabbit hole whatsoever.  And that pic was weak.  Next time don’t crop out the nips.

Leave me alone,
JJ

P.S.  You suck as a salesman.

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