Gay Neighbor Stories: Lesbians Stole my Bike

1Jun/0616

Gay Neighbor Stories: Lesbians Stole my Bike

One of the original Churning Loyalists is hooking us up today. Sar invited me to be a guest writer for Belle of the Brawl. Check out her site and leave a comment. Sar LOVES comments. In addition to sending us a few new visitors, my post also led to an idea for a new series: "Gay Neighbor Stories." Here's the first installment.

I've lived in a lot of different cities over the years, and for some reason, my neighbors are gay more often than straight. I'll give you an example. The first gay neighbors I remember were in Gainesville FL during college. I lived a few blocks from campus in a small apartment complex upstairs from a gruff lesbian couple. Yes I said "gruff." I can't remember exactly what they looked like, but imagine "mean" and "lesbian" and you'll probably come close.

Now before I get too far, I want to say I've got nothing against lesbians or gay neighbors in general. In fact, some of my coolest neighbors ever have been lesbians. But these two particular women turned out to be real ballbags.

See, I lived far enough from campus that I couldn't walk to school. But I was too close to drive. I knew I'd be biking to class for at least a year, so I figured I should get a decent bike. I saved up for months working overnight security on campus and finally made enough to get the bike I wanted - a badass aluminum mountain bike. I spent $700 which was a LOT for a bike in 1995. I mean, it's a lot for a bike now, but back then, that shit was top of the fucking line. I thought I'd have it for years.

My neighbors were also into mountain biking. I know that because I saw them wheeling their bikes into their apartment just like they saw me wheel my bike into my apartment. See where I'm going with this?

One day I came home from Momo's place (yes, we've been together for more than a decade), and my front door had been kicked in. I peeked through the windows to see if there was anyone inside, and when I knew the coast was clear, I went in and called the cops. As I waited for the cops to show up, I took a quick inventory. That's actually really easy for a college kid. Stereo, Check. Walkman. Check. TV. Check. Mountain bike. Nope.

Out of all the things the thieves could have stolen, they only took my badass bike. Why not pocket the walkman and take the bike? Or why not take everything?

The cops later told me they spoke to my lesbian neighbors. The girls told them they saw a couple of black guys snooping around the place. The cops never did find my bike or the mysterious cliché "black guys."

Now either my neighbors were quiet crime-watching types who happened to see a couple of suspicious looking black dudes and decided to call the cops only after my shit was stolen. Or - they knew where they could unload a mountain bike for a decent price, could care less about a walkman, and knew they could pin the crime on a fictitious pair of black criminals in a small southern town. I still don't know what really happened; it just sounds more interesting to say that a couple of lesbians stole my bike.

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TC
June 1st, 2006 - 09:14

The only weird neighbour I’ve had is the guy now next door. He’s in his late sixties and gardens in a thong.

It brings fuckin’ tears to your eyes.

You really shouldn’t look after eating!
Sar
June 1st, 2006 - 09:45

JJ, you’re just a magent for people. Thanks again for being my guest and debuting your series on Belle!
Sar
June 1st, 2006 - 09:47

A magent for people? What the hell is a magent?

MAGNET!
kyahgirl
June 1st, 2006 - 12:04

Hi, just visiting from Sar’s place. Nice to meet you JJ.
kyahgirl
June 1st, 2006 - 12:06

oh, and TC? that might have been my Dad. He used to garden in this black bikini bathing suit and roll it all up so it was like a thong. Maximum sun freak. Anyway, once, a new neighbor called the cops on him because she thought he was gardening in the nude. What a hilarious guy. He was 75 at the time
LC
June 1st, 2006 - 12:26

The only experience I ever had with gay neighbors was when I was growing up. Two gay men lived a couple doors down from me. Really great, nice guys. Very quiet.. kept a nice yard. That’s all my mom really cared about! Anyway.. I moved off to college.. and my mom called me one day and told me they got into a lovers spat.. and one of the men hanged himself in the house.
The other moved out immediately. Never heard from them again.
trouble
June 1st, 2006 - 15:20

We used to have lesbian neighbors. I was always jealous, they didn’t have kids and their yard always looked about a hundred times better than mine. But then they broke up and things got ugly. You’ve never seen anything uglier than the lesbian equivalent of a divorce: two bitches going at it over all the property. Yikes.
mojotek
June 1st, 2006 - 15:38

What a couple of ball-busters… sounds like they took a hint from watching The Sopranos to blame it on a couple of black dudes. Could you have beaten either one of them up? I hear lesbians always carry brass-knuckles with them just in case any pesky men think they want to buy them a drink.
mulk
June 1st, 2006 - 17:01

It was me.
JJ
June 1st, 2006 - 18:58

TC:
Sounds hott!

Sar:
I’ve always been a magent. It hurts a little, but I don’t mind.

Kyahgirl:
Thanks for stopping by. Your dad sounds like a fun fella. Gardening nude rocks my socks off – especially when I’m drunk.

LC:
You’re stomping on my buzz. Now I’m depressed. Not about the story, but about losing my buzz.

Trouble:
That’s gotta be a tough breakup. It would be a battle to decide who gets the KD Lang CDs.

Mojotek:
That’s what I’m saying. They picked the most obvious target (unless the story was true). And – I couldn’t beat up anyone. I really am a total pussy.

Mulk:
You’re a lesbian?!?
mulk
June 2nd, 2006 - 00:33

no but I play one on T.V.!!! ah
justdawn
June 2nd, 2006 - 03:34

dude…that’s just sad…
jessica
June 2nd, 2006 - 04:34

the only thing my neighbors were good for was cooking meat and leaving their door open to entertain the noses of all the building’s residents. and the guy upstairs used to shake his ass to gold digger. course i also, at one time, thought he had an extreme case of tourettes, but then changed my mind thinking he had a dirty mouth and was overly stimulated while playing video games…

so not as cool as bike-thieving lesbians.
Ron
June 2nd, 2006 - 05:47

Damn those bike stealing lesbians!
oldgreensock
June 3rd, 2006 - 18:13

The only thing I’d let a lesbian steal from me is a nice long look at my starfish! they probably ride that damn bike with no seat.
JJ
June 13th, 2006 - 12:19

Justdawn:
I know! I want my bike back!

Jessticles:
“cooking meat and leaving their door open”
Sounds like some kind of freaky sex euphemism.

Ron:
No kidding.

Oldgreensock:
Trust me – no one wants to look at your chocolate starfish, especially not lesbians.