Why do Guys Like Porn?
July 28th, 2006 by JJ
Recently someone arrived at The Churning after searching for the phrase why does my boyfriend look at porn. That’s a silly question. You can’t ask the internet why your boyfriend looks at porn. You gotta ask your boyfriend. For all I know, he’s got a fetish for watching women give blowjobs to albino horses.
Still, I want to provide a service to our dear readers. So I’m going to once again ask for help from The Churning Loyalists. Today, we’re going to create a list: reasons guys look at porn. I’ll start things off. Leave a comment with your suggestions.
- Online porn is free (if you know where to look).
- Guys like to sport wood. Porn can make that happen anytime.
- Porn chicks do some really fucked up shit and they act like they enjoy it.
- You can find porn for any fetish. It’s much more difficult to find an actual real life girl who’s into whatever sick shit you’re into.
- Women are beautiful. Naked women are even better. Naked women fucking are the best.
I agree with #5 in particular.
I can’t speak for men but I know I like to watch porn before I have sex. I gets me in super freak mode and makes for a fantastic sexcapade.
I agree with April
Yeah, #5 just about hits it right on the head.
The one genuinely funny line I ever heard on the sitcom Mad About You was when Paul Reiser was asked why men like lesbians so much. He replied, “because it’s naked, it’s fun, and I agree with both of them.”
Let’s see… Why do I like porn stars….?
That’s a good question, I mean, other than the big boobs, the hot bodies, the insatiable appetite for sex and willingness to to ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, I have no idea.
I guess it’s just a guy thing.
Hey there April! If you’re single, you just GOTTA come on up to Philly for a…..visit! **grrrrrrrrrrrrrr**
isn’t the real question, “why aren’t i looking at porn with my boyfriend?”
You know JJ. I believe you just answered ‘THE’ question.
I just thought it was a secret, but you just let the cat out of the bag.
I didn’t get the memo that this was ok to let the female community know about.
Damn this Fucken’ Canadien Postal System!
I’m always the last to find out this shit.
BTW, when IS the next meeting???
Listen, I’m going to make this really easy for all the chicks.
Guys like to watch girls do things that they wouldn’t really want their girlfriend/wife doing.
Ass to Mouth? Makes for great porn, but no thanks.
Facial Blasts? Again, Makes for great porn, but I don’t want to look across the breakfast table at a big helping of guilt the next morning.
I rest my case.
Marie B.:
Yeah, that’s an important one.
April:
Porn - Good solo. Even better watching with a sex partner.
Peety:
Mos def.
Josh:
That reminds me of this Mitch Fatel bit About lesbian porn. Something like this: “I like watching lesbian porn, but I get the feeling that if I were there in the room, they’d ask me to leave.”
Idiot:
Good call.
Joe:
That just might happen.
Randi:
Perfect answer. She really needs to reavaluate the situation.
MacBros:
That’s what I’m all about - sharing information for the betterment of sexual health and well being.
Ev:
ATM? You should try it. Blasts? You should try it.
Guilt and sex do not belong together. Crazy shit rocks.
free porn is wunderbar.
My big brother looks at porn because he says it’s very educational when you want to know more about big butts, and what to do with them, but what else can we do besides stare? I know what to do when one farts. Run!
Soviet:
Das am besten.
Rockchild:
Porn is definitely educational. That’s how I learned all my best moves.
Should the question be, “Why don’t they?”
Question? I love to look at porn especially with my man, but it is different with him. Why does he hide it from me? I am a very freaky girl. Are sex life is great!
Poobah:
I suppose that if an average healthy guy has no interest whatsoever in porn, that might be cause for concern. Could be a sign of low sex drive or religious fundamentalism (and either of those are a problem in my book).
Daisy:
I like the way you think!
But here’s the deal… Sometimes guys like to jerk off alone. If a guy keeps a porn collection for this purpose, he probably sees it as his own personal thing - like a diary or self-mutilation scars or his own nose hair collection. If he doesn’t want to talk to you about his secret stash or private jackoff sessions, that’s fine - as long as he’s willing to watch porn with you when you initiate.
Hee! I found my boyfriend’s list of porn sites once & added my blog to it. I’d like to think he came in laughter!
Good honest advice you gave Daisy, But I think Daisy might be thinking something totally different. If there sex life is soooo great. Why does he have to lie about it. Maybe see now feels insecure about their relationship. She probably feels betrayed.
Daisy I hear you girl. One question why do you have to initiate to watch the porn. He needs to share his stash regarless! And don’t you think that’s perverted jacking off alone! hmmm???? when you have a woman willing to do anything in bed?
Shirley:
I don’t know about your boyfriend, but I have!
Jasmine:
I’m not sure he’s lying about it. She did say that he hides it from her. A lot of guys “hide” porn - see Shirley’s comment about “finding” her boyfriend’s list of porn sites. As long as he’s honest with Daisy, she shouldn’t feel insulted.
Heidi:
I agree about the porn stash. You gotta share the wealth. About the jacking off - A solo whack session can be almost meditative or relaxing. It doesn’t always have to be a shared experience. As long as he’s not sexually neglecting her, he should be allowed a few solo jerk sessions sometimes.
I wish my boyfriend would admit to looking at porn sites. Instead I get a deleted History and since my whole first year of college was dedicated to computer programming and I can find out if he looks at it if whether or not its on our History. This makes me think I am not what he wants or he wants things out of our sex life that he isn’t getting. He isn’t the type of guy that would talk about this topic out loud…it really bothers me considering we hardly ever have sex anymore. Any suggestions?
Cortney:
Obviously he wants to maintain some privacy when it comes to masturbation. It’s not necessarily because he’s looking for something that you’re not providing. Maybe he just likes to jerk off sometimes. And porn helps that process along.
It would be great if he were comfortable enough to talk about it with you, but I think most guys are shy about that topic.
Now as far as your sex life is concerned - that’s a different story. While I don’t think it’s imperative to have an open dialog about masturbation, I do think you absolutely have to be able to talk about sex with your partner.
I’m married and have been for almost 4 years. We haven’t been together that much because we are both in the military. When we are together we have a fantastic sex life and do/done everything that is possible between two people sexually. I’ve noticed (from searching, etc) that he looks at porn the minute I leave to go somewhere.)AKA grocery store( I have tried to talk to him about it but he gets mad at me and denies it or wont talk to me about it. When I keep on with him he finally tells me the truth but swears on our marriage that he won’t do it again–he always does it again. I have even went out and bought porno so we can look at together but he never wants to look at it with me. I told him that there is nothing wrong with it and I dont have a problem with it as long as we are watching it together. Not only does he look at porn the minute I walk out the door I find him looking at girls that are 18–girls that look like they could be my next door neighbor. I am 23! I told him I could do anything and everything with him sexually but I can’t go back to being 18. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried to bargain and plea with him but he always goes back to lying to me about it. I am a pretty girl but him doing this to me behind my back has really done something to my confidence and my opinion on our marriage. Could someone please give me their opinion?
Amie:
It sounds like your husband simply loves pornography. And I’m not saying that in a bad way. Lots of guys do.
The more troubling concern is that he says he’ll stop looking at it but he continues anyway. When you ask him about porn, his answer should be, “Yes I look at porn when I’m alone. I enjoy it.”
Just because he’s alone when he’s checking out porn does not mean he’s any less attracted to you. I can’t say whether he should or should not stop looking at porn. But I will say that it’s probably more common than you’d think.
okay.. what i find most pathetic is that my boyfriend completly sucks in bed… i luv sex and lots of it… yet when it comes down to it he doesnt do anything interesting or stimulating in bed for me… even when he does it sucks… yet hes on all these porn web sites that he thinks i dont know about but i eventually do and its not so much that it pisses me off that he is on them its that he “tries” to hide it… i wouldnt mind if we would watch porn while we’re having sex.. i would kind of enjoy it but he has never brought that up and its just all that secrecy that makes me view him as a dishonest person
Gina:
Have you tried bringing it up to him? Watching porn together can be a really hot way to discover new sex positions and fetishes.
I still don’t really understand why other guys are so secretive about their love of porn. It’s a natural thing. Guys are visual creatures. We can get a hard on just looking at a naked woman.
The difficult thing will be for you and he to have the conversation for the first time. After that, hopefully the lines of communication will be open and you can have civilized conversations about sex and porn on a regular basis.
i just found out my husband of 2yrs, but we’ve been together for almost 7, likes porn. Previously, if i ever brought up masturbation or sex toys, he would blow me off. (This is a man who locks the bathroom door to go #2 still). Recently, he divulged to me that he goes in waves of buying magazines and watching porn. I guess in a way i feel betrayed b/c why didn’t i know. Now i found a slew of websites he has been to recently(we have two boys, 5 and 3) and i got mad that he actually would do that while they were home and i was at work. Anyways..im just trying to understand th why of it all. Plus, he joined this one specific site on one single girl…am i wrong to feel that he will be thinking of this hot blonde while having sex with me??
jean:
You’ve identified several issues here. First: communication. Everyone shits, and nearly everyone masturbates (everyone should). However, relatively few people feel comfortable sharing those activities with their significant other.
Your man obviously has fantasies and desires - just like everyone else. It’s healthy and normal. Think about what goes on in your head that you don’t feel comfortable talking about. Secret dreams, angry thoughts, sexual kinks, etc. If your guy thinks some porn actress is hot, I guarantee he knows he’s never going to have sex with her and he doesn’t wish that you were her. The two of you obviously have a real connection - the kind of connection that lasts nine years. This porn actress is just a fantasy. The character she portrays doesn’t really exist.
Now for the advice… Try talking to him about it. I mean it. Joke with him, but don’t make fun of him. Let him know that you’re not going to judge him and you don’t think he’s a bad person. And when the topic is finally out in the open, you can start discussing things like parental controls for your computer.
There’s a big benefit to discussing this topic, by the way. It’ll be something new that you two can share sexually. Porn, masturbation, etc…
Jesus Christ, this topic still pulls in hits?
JJ, you’re a porno crusader!
Numbers 3 and 4 explains everything why guys are into porn.
Okay guys.adt.Heres my question on this (LONG POST WARNING!)
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. When we first started dating (I was 18, he was 20) we had sex as much and as often as we could–It was the novelity of it I suppose.
Fast forward 6 months into dating, our sex life suffers–we have sex one..twice a week if I push him and then I discover he’s looking at porn which is fine..but he’s looking at it EVERYDAY the second he thinks i’m not around..I actually caught him looking at porn one day AFTER we had sex..I was very upset with this naturally and told him how I felt. He came up with a bunch of lame excuses “it was an accident..etc” and since then, the same topic of conversation was brought up by me another 2 times since we’ve been together.
I love sex..and lots of it. We only have sex once a week now and there have been times where we have sex once a month. This is been going on for some time and now whenever we do have sex, i’m barely interested anymore and my boyfriend gets very upset when i’m “not into it”… I feel like we are only having sex just to say we do it. I try to take him into XXX stores and even told him to buy a movie we could watch together..but no response from him..I’ve told him several times to get the movie but he isn’t interested. Also, we recently had an argument about lingerie.. he told me it’s pointless and not to bother since “it ends up on the floor anyway”
I tried for a long time to get him interested and do everything I can but now.. I’m no longer interested in sex (in general, not just with him) and I get annoyed when we don’t have sex at least once a week.
I think i’m a pretty girl.. I hit on constantly and I work out to try and keep myself in shape..I go out of my way to look good for him…he compliments me all the time…holds me when we go out etc..but when it comes down to sex..NADDA!
He still looks at porn, but not as frequently because we don’t have the time–but the second I walk out the door–hes on those websites!
.
Other than that, our relationship is truly wonderful..I love him and do want to spend the rest of our lives together..he’s a wonderful person and we have fabulous healthy respect for eachother. I wish I could truly explain this to everyone..
what do I do?! Do i bring it up to him again? its so upsetting
Interesting discussion. It basically is all about women that you know are too hot for you to ever have sex with and them doing things that the vast majority of women wouldn’t do. (Or so I thought until reading some of your entries. Why is my missus such a prude? any suggestions on snapping her out of it? dirty 30’s my arse!) My girlfriend is well aware of my love of porn but it is never discussed. The way porn is heading (away from erotica and into hardcore degrading gonzo sex) it is/would be easy to feel embarressed or even scared about your spouse finding out and thinking that you are perverted. Which you probably are but you’re not hurting anyone so who cares. As for men preffering porn to sex, I prefer to watch porn and masturbate than have sex because it is easier and the effort put into having sex is just not worth the end result. Why have boring sex with your partner when you can watch some hot barbie doll looking “slut” do the things you wish she was doing? It all comes down to attitude of your partner towards sex. I feel embarressed talking to my girlfriend about new kinky stuff because she sometimes looks disgusted or only half does it once and expects me to be satisfied. I just wish she would do what I wanted of her own accord without me nagging her and without her making it known to me that she doesn’t like doing it. Apparently dirty sex loving women are real and im just getting screwed. Pardon the pun.
Francisco:
Definitely.
bella:
You absolutely must be able to have an open dialogue about sex. And if he’s into porn, then you have to be able to talk about that too. I know it’s difficult, but there are ways to ease into it.
For example, you mention that you suggested he buy porn for you both to watch together. Instead, you should pick up a couple of DVD’s and surprise him. You can order them online if you want to avoid the shops. Then, pop it into the DVD player when you’re both just sitting around. If he acts awkward and uncomfortable, just explain that this is an experience you want to share with him. Read my answer to Gordon for the next steps…
Gordon:
Here’s the deal: you and your girlfriend must learn to talk about sex openly. I realize it’s going to be uncomfortable at first, so just start slow.
Explain to her that “There are things I think about sexually, things I’d like to try. And I want to tell you all about it, because I know you won’t judge me or think I’m weird. And I want you to let me know if there’s anything you want to try. I promise I’ll listen and I won’t judge you. It’s just that I feel like I can tell you anything - and this is something I’d like to talk about with you.”
But be prepared - she might have hangups or personal issues that can’t be resolved right away. The simple act of talking about it - I’m talking true open and honest discussion between just the two of you - can help bring you closer together.
I really don’t think it’s a matter of women who love dirty sex vs women who are prudes. I think it has more to do with compromise and openness. Everyone is different, so you just have to learn each others’ boundaries and be honest with each other. And hopefully you’ll both be willing to cross your own personal boundries just a little to reach that area of compromise.
What if your spouse is more technologically literate than you, but you want to check if they are watching or downloading porn on your computer via your internet connection?
I’m writing simple tips to find a spouse’s porn viewing habits to help these people.
http://spousecheck.blogspot.com
I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past 2 years. And we started off great & freaky. As time went by we’ve had plenty of fights & disagreements. As an outcome of that; we were having sex maybe once or twice a week, he stopped trying as hard and so did I, & I felt less confident & more insecure. And I recently found some porn websites on his computer. And of course I freaked out, I couldn’t help it. My body started shaking, I felt like I was going to puke. But besides those feelings, I felt more disappointed that we let it get like this. when he came home latter that day, I showed him the sites I found, and burst into tears. and he began to say how sorry he is and how he feels so ashamed he got caught and how he’s a stupid jerk for making me feel this way. all the meanwhile he never hugged me or tried to touch me. I found that odd and his little comment “ashamed I got caught”. that seems like the only reason he was sorry, and not because he loves me. the next day he went to work. and I thought to myself I have to do something big to turn this around cause I don’t want to lose him. so I spent the whole day taking dirty picture’s of myself, just like the ones on the web site. Cause he always wanted me to take picture’s and I never did. after he came home from work and I showed him all the picture’s, he was upset?!!?..i was completely in shock,. he told me he didn’t like some of the picture’s cause they weren’t me & because he didn’t take them. they were different something I wouldn’t normally do. The next day after he gets off of work. we have sex. and then we have sex after he wakes up from his nap, and then we have sex before he goes to bed. and we get into an argument, cause he says I’m trying to hard, and I shouldn’t be, because he loves me, and he wont look at those sites agene. I’ve talked to some of my guy friend’s and they told me to worried cause he’s bored with me, and I should keep an eye out. Hearing that just made me more scared. I can’t watch the real life porno’s with him cause I was raped before, and I cant deal with the feelings I get when I see real man on women. I can how ever watch Henti’s with him. he does like those. that’s something we used to do. (Sorry if this is too long, I wanted to add every thing, so you would know what was going on)
Renee:
For some guys, watching porn and masturbating is a private thing - something they don’t feel comfortable talking about. And it doesn’t necessarily mean that a guy is bored in his relationship. A lot of guys enjoy masturbating in addition to a regular healthy sex life.
So he probably was ashamed that he got caught and maybe he wasn’t ashamed that he was looking at porn. For a lot of guys, that would be a natural reaction - embarassment instead of guilt.
In your case, all I can really recommend is better communication. If he enjoys looking at porn, he should try to be honest with you and tell you about it. Again, a lot of people want to have private time for masturbation, even in addition to their regular healthy sex life. It’s all about keeping a balance in life and making sure your partner is happy.
Do your best to keep an open dialogue about sex and your own personal needs and desires - and be open to what he has to say as well.
ok guys here’s my situation…i think it’s pretty normal but a little different than the others, and i think i just need a little reassurance. so i’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. i was raised in a really liberal place where masturbation was very accepted and even encouraged, while my boyfriend was raised to think it’s wrong and frowned upon. so i’ve always known he watches porn and that’s totally fine, but recently i asked him how often he does it, just so that i could have a realistic idea. he told me rarely watches it because he likes the images in his own head better. then a couple days ago, i found a TON on his computer and i confronted him and told him that i’m totally ok with it, but that i want him to be honest with me about it. after a lot of convincing, he admitted that he watches it every other day if we’re not having a lot of sex, and every three days if we are. i still suspect that he does it more like every day. is this a normal and healthy amount? can he be sexually happy and satisfied with me if he’s watching porn and masturbating every day? why does he feel the need to hide it if im completely ok with it? also, when i try to get him to try new things in bed, he tells me he likes things simple, so i don’t think he watches porn to experience stuff i wont do, cuz im willing to try anything. so i think i just need to hear that a guy can watch porn and masturbate every day and still be completely happy with his girlfriend, and i want to know that he isn’t ALWAYS thinking about the girls from porn when he and i are having sex. a little reassurance anyone?
My boyfriend also looks at porno, as do I, but we never looked at porno together. I don’t think that I would mind either, but as the matter of fact is that, he doesn’t know that I look at porno, but I know that he dose (on a regular basis). And he knows that I don’t really care about him looking at porno, but only the fact that he looks at it so much! He doesn’t look at it when I’m over, only because he says he doesn’t need to because I’m here (we only see each other on the weekends).
The fact is that I look at porno but I still feel uncomfortable that he looks at porn without me. I just feel that he is comparing me to them wishing I had bigger tits or something. But he says no, and that’s not the reason why he looks at it… he just says it his way of “relaxing” … I just want to know if I’m over reacting because I look at porn as well, but I get upset if he dose?
EC and Bubbles:
I have the same answer for both of you. Yes, a guy can look at porn every day without necessarily having a negative impact on their relationships. And when a guy who watches porn has sex with their partner, they do not always think of the porn actresses. In fact, I would say most guys don’t think of porn at all while they’re having actual sex.
That being said, there is a fine line between being a porn aficionado and being totally obsessed. This “hobby” should be something a guy can talk about with his partner without feeling guilty or feeling like he’s being judged. So if you’re cool with it and he knows you’re cool with it, I’d encourage him to be more open about it. And if he’s totally psycho about it and it seems like he’s addicted, then maybe he is.
I love to watch porn with my boyfriend, it gets us both in the super freak mode, and also gives us ideas to share.
The only downfall is, I hate it when he looks at it without me, then he jerks it off when I’m at work, and when I come home, all ready to jump into it, he doesn’t want to because he’s wasted it on some internet slut. that’s the only thing that pisses me off. And i know when he does it because he gets all lovey with me to try and keep me away from the computer. lol that, and god only knows how many spy ware and viruses ive got on this damn thing because of him. I would much rather go to a shop and buy one, and watch it on my big screen, that way, we can do more, because it’s kinda hard to watch porn and fuck when your stuck behind an itty bitty desk.
my bf is 30 and I’m 20. he’s had alot of partners and i’ve only had 3, 4 counting him, i’m very interested in sex, i want to do it anytime, anywhere any way, only with him. I don’t get why he needs porn with that type of experimental enthusiasm. And it just sucks for me when i have to wait out, because for some damn reason my orgasms arent even worth it when i o it myself, I need a big hard….well you know to keep me satisfied properly. he cant give me a reason why he does it, i’m not mad about the porn, i’m totally ok with it when it’s like, that time of the month, and he’s not getting any, but even then i give him oral in that time, so he doesn’t have to fret over it.
I’m cool with porn, except when it interferes with MY sexual appetite.
Am i being selfish?
any suggestions?
i don’t think you’re being selfish….the only reason i can handle my boyfriend jacking it to porn every day is because he rarely turns me down when i want on. i’d tell your boyfriend that you’re completely ok with him watching porn but its starting to get in the way of your sexual appetite. the other thing is, i had some professional pictures taken of me naked (classy but still hot) and gave them to my boyfriend for his birthday. while i don’t expect him to forgo porn completely because of it, he has made a point to tell me that he sometimes uses those pictures when he’s getting himself off, and knowing that has made me feel a lot better about the porn he does watch.
Porn keeps me creative and happy! I love it…and I’m not sure what I’d do without it. I agree, there’s no substitute for the “real thing” but I look at porn as a method of good practice and we all know that good practice makes permanent!
It’s all about coming to terms with yourself and accepting who you are at heart. There’s nothing like watching a good movie with your partner. Come to think of it, I would have loved to have been a male porn star…mmmmmmm….
You can find porn for any fetish. It’s much more difficult to find an actual real life girl who’s into whatever sick shit you’re into.
This is true
I feel very depressed when i think that i can’t satisfy my boyfriend
ok so JJ…here’s the thing. my boyfriend does look at porn every day, but just won’t admit it. it doesn’t interfere with our sex life though, i can have him whenever i want him and he has a healty attitude toward sex. but the fact that he won’t talk about it with me, and that it’s such a taboo subject with him bothers me. It’s the only thing in our relationship that he has lied about, which leads me to believe that it could be a problem. but if it doesn’t impact our sex life negatively, is it a problem at all? regardless of if he’ll talk about it or not? i don’t want to push it, and he said us watching it together would be awkward for him. so do i let it go, and just be happy that our sex life is good, or should i worry that eventually it will be a problem?
EC:
There’s no need to worry. But it would be great if you two were able to talk about sex and masturbation openly without fear of embarassment. Once it’s out there in the open, then you can really begin to understand each others’ needs and desires.
It’s a tough subject to break into. I agree that you shouldn’t push it if he doesn’t feel comfortable yet, but I think it’s a good goal to work towards.
Well I told him that I hate that he can’t talk to me about it, and that I’m fine with it EXCEPT for the fact that he hides it from me. So he said if I have questions I can ask them, etc. but he made it clear that he hates talking about it, that it makes him uncomfortable, and that he wishes I would drop it (but not in so many words). So I feel like I should just let it go. But everytime I see it on his computer, I feel insecure and worried that he’s so secretive and elusive about it. Every other site I’ve seen says its normal as long as it’s not a habit…but clearly it IS habit for him. Like I said though, it doesn’t interfere with our sex life, so I’m left feeling conflicted.
I think it’s more “normal” than most people might think. Some guys are probably just better at hiding it than others. I still think there’s no need to worry, and that maybe you can eventually get him to open up to you little by little.
It’s completely normal for men & women to both enjoy watching porn. I love to watch it with my boyfriend & we both like to view porn separately. He’s really honest about watching porn when I’m not there but I’m the one who lies about it. Thing is I think it’s really good to watch some dirty movies and just enjoy it on your own, like it’s your private secret that you keep to yourself. It makes it feel even more exciting and naughty!
This is a very interesting conversation. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we are getting married in August, and I guess about a year and a half into our relationship, I found a porn magazine hidden in his closet, while cleaning his house. Was’t that big of a deal, I know guys like porn, I guess I always put my b/f on a pedestal to where I thought he was better than that. I would see the history and searches on his computer, he would always claim that it would be his friends who visited porn sites, or his brother who lived with him. I would always ask him about it, and he would always say it was someone elses, even though his brother has his own computer, etc.
For a while, it wasnt an issue anymore until yesterday it was on his computer again, and again he claimed it wasnt his. I mean clearly, I know its his, I know how to check cookies and history and I know when he is home. I don’t necessarily think that porn is great and wonderful, it makes me a little selfconscious to know he looks at it. I know he cant help it, most guys cant, and clearly they just like it and having fantasies whatever. It even came to the point when we were out of town one time, and I initiated buying one of those porn movies on the hotel tv, and we watched it, and we both enjoyed it, and I think it helped increase both of our pleasure. I would say we are both pretty sexually healthy, no problems in that area. I just wish he would be honest, and initiate it with me, and I would be more comfortable, because I know there would be sexual benefits with it. It even came to the point yesterday where I threatened to put parental controls on the computer just so he would admit, but he wouldnt.
So I guess after my long rant, my question is, do I keep initiating to look at it with him? Do I just let him keep doing it selfishly and hiding it? Or do I keep asking until I can get him to be honest?
Shannon,
you ever think about being honest with him and telling him that you are spying on his internet use? You are both being equally sneaky in this situation.
Yep, he knows, I have told him. The first time I didn’t, but after that I have. I feel that even though I didn’t tell him the first time, the fact that I told him after that, and subsequent times, I deserve some honesty from him as well.
Shannon:
My advice would be the same advice I gave to EC above. I think it’s normal for a guy to want to look at porn and masturbate privately without having to admit it or talk about it. However, it feels great to get that shit out in the open, knowing that you won’t be judged and don’t have to feel embarassed. That kind of open communication comes with time.
I am once again back! I’ll preface this by saying to oldgreensock that I did search my boyfriends computer today, and yes I found tons of porn images on it, and I just told him about it. He kept denying it until I finally told him that I could tell when the sites were visited etc, and I was not at home, so it had to be him. He finally admitted to it. That hes been doing it prob. since he was 18, and he just cant “explain” it, he doesnt know why he does it. I’ve known him since he was 20, hes now 23. I feel really hurt, and its like it took him so long to admit to it, even when I had the proof. He says he now feels ashamed and doesnt want to talk to me for two days. I’ve tried so hard to have open communication about this, but I dont understand why he cant do the same for me. I love him, and I confronted him with all the typical girl questions, are they prettier, do you fantasize about them, do you wish i looked like them, and I know in my heart that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. I still worry about his apprehensive communication, and I wish he could share it with me.
After four years of saying how disquesting porn is and that he has never watched it, only a few hours after we had been intimate I walked in on my fiance purchasing one on pay-per-view in the game room. Where I never go. I have always had an issue with porn and I had made that clear to him when we began dating. My dad starting out by watching it and once bored of that he went on to strip clubs and then finally numerous affairs. He and my dad are similar in that they both claimed to have the most beautiful women in the world, profess there love everyday yada yada yada. He knew how much I dissapproved of it so if he had such a fondness for it why didn’t he just end the relationship. Is he that selfish that he could contine on a lie that will kill me for the rest of our lives. I should add that I begged him to come clean about the amount of times and he said only a few..meanwhile we have lived in this house for 8 months and there have been 59 purchases..u do the math. He has all the bills sent to his office but i called the cable company with a bogus excuse to get the info. What is soo disturbing to me is that 2 of the dates are one when I was vilently ill and possibly needed to go to the hospital and he was up there wacking off, and two when my mom was visiting and he was in the other room..She was the one that thought it was suspicious as to why he is watching tv on a small tv with the door locked instead of on the big tv downstairs. Please shed some light, I am crushed and have no trust for him now. I feel so betrayed and am completely disquested at his lies from the very beginning. He is beside himself with guilt becasue he knew that after dealing with all his bs oer the years, his jelousy, insecuities, hot temper, this was the only thing I made clear from the very beginning. Soo sorry for the long post, wanted to point out everything. Thanks!
Get a grip.
If the b/f is still nailing you and the sex is good, let the jerking off/porn thing slide.
It’s as natural for us as doing a crap or scratching our balls. Doesn’t mean we don’t love you any more for Christ’s sake.
Hope that clears that up.
LaLa you two should definitely break up.
“Is he that selfish that he could contine on a lie that will kill me for the rest of our lives.”-LaLa
now that doesn’t seem worth it now does it.
Lala…i know it sucks to think about your guy looking at porn, but the fact is, the only thing he’s doing wrong is hiding it from you. and the reason he’s hiding it from you is because he knows it hurts you. there’s a reason why guys keep some things to themselves. us girlfriends don’t LIKE that our guys think about having sex with our best friends, picture every girl naked, and get turned on by our sisters, but the fact is, they just can’t help it. they keep it to themselves because they know that we don’t WANT to know. we know that there’s nothing we can do about it, so we just hope they won’t share details. you have to realize that this sort of applies to porn too. also, most guys look at porn so that they WON’T cheat. it satisfies their fantisies (which all guys will have whether you like it or not) without having to actually cheat. i’m sure there are guys out there who never look at porn, but frankly, i doubt they’re sexual enough to keep you satisfied. so tell him that you’re very upset he lied, but that you will try to keep an open mind. otherwise, it just wont work out.
My girlfriend found a couple magazines I had a while back, she got extremely upset, said it was the worst thing in the world pretty much. I tried to explain to her that it doesn’t mean anything, that it’s just “getting off”, all guys do it, etc etc. She didn’t buy it, pretty much I’m an acception and no can do.
It has never had any affect on our sex life. Any time she wanted it, or anytime I wanted it we would have good sex and it was always really good. I find her very attractive and sexually I think we are very healthy. We live a couple of hours apart so we don’t get to see each other as much as I’d like, but I can deal with it.
I’ve drastically cut down on the viewing, most of the time months at a time, but sometimes maybe twice a month or so. The thing is, I don’t hide it, I’ll tell her and I’ll get the wrath every single time. I can’t seem to make her understand that it’s no big deal and she shouldn’t feel threatened of it. Help?
Thanks you 3 for your advice. I have already made my decision and as hard as it is, it’s the only one I can do right now. There have been other warning signs along the way, little lies here and there, and for someone who has demanded to know everything all the time and who has said that truth and honesty was everything, he’s the one with the problem. The only mistake I made was to be nieve and too trusting. Regardless of the porn and whatever else, bottom line, I don’t trust him and he took advantage of my trust in him. I still love him, we’ve hurt a lot of people in calling off the wedding but I have to love myself more and wait for someone who treats me as well as I treat them. Thanks again!
LaLa
My boyfriend downloads porno everyday he has a thousand passwords for pornsites,Sometimes I dont care that he downloads and watches porn but recenty it’s starting to bother me because we dont have sex that much. I dont like having sex with someone that wants to watch porno everyday . When we do have sex which isnt to often he suggest that we watch porno. I wish he would hide this because I think that it just causes insecure until all this happen can some one plese give me some advise
There are two parts of the question:
1) why do guys like watching porn
2) why do they preffer using internet for watching porn
1. Porn is the best way to injoy most of guys because:
- Guys imagin fucking better GIRLS than they have (if they have any);
- imagin fucking in the WAYS in which they do not dare to fuck in real life;
- Watching porn lets the guys to enjoy LONGER time comparing to sex with a girl. A guy can mastrubate hours while fucking 10 minutes can make him a superhero.
Sorry can not say much about those who watch animals…
2. Internet is ideal for porn watching because:
- Internet porn is incredibly selective: guys can get responce to every light change of mood imediatelly.
- It is easy to access: no need to buy and store;
- Internet gives a feeling of comunity, it is much closer to reality which gives a very sharp feeling;
Guys are just jerk (offs).
OF COURSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND/WIFE is insecure if you’re jackin’ off to a picture. OF COURSE she feels that that’s what you prefer. If NOT, then why aren’t you with her or thinking about her and how much you love HER instead of jerking off by yourself? Don’t tell me guys don’t get jealous, too. How would it make you feel if every time you left the house or the bedroom, your girl immediately went to look at a million other guys? If you LOVE someone, you don’t do things that will hurt them, even in secret. Otherwise there is no honor or dignity left in you and you’re nothing but a creep who deserves to live alone and then you can fondle yourself to your heart’s content.
lastilac:
We’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I think masturbation, sexual self exploration, and pornography can be a part of a healthy sex life. I think they can help one become a better lover. If someone who enjoys pornography is in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand it, they need to open up with their partner and try to explain it. There’s no need for secrets or hurt feelings.
okay so, im a very insecure person. i have been with my boyfriend for about a year and have known him for about 2 1/2. we both live very busy lives between work and school etc. but our sex life is still great. we live in the same house(not by ourselves) so sometimes its not always possible to have sex but for the most part we can whenever we want, i know he looks at porn and we have discussed the topic several times, but sometimes he’ll come home from work and we’ll just hang out around the house then he’ll say yanno im so tired, but then get his lab top, im not an idiot. i know hes going to look at porn. and its like why are you too tired to have sex with your completeley available girlfriend that will do almost anything in the sex area but not too tired to watch porn for an hour and jerk off? and i think it bothers me more because he uses the excuse of being so tired, but obviously you just want me to get the hell out of the room and let you look at other naked women sucking dick. thats cool? i just ont get it, and i really am trying. but its like im ready to go, im ready to have sex and hes too tired, thats fine, but then your gonna go and watch porn? someone explain to me why, if you have a girl willing to do just about anything, anytime, you still feel its nessecary to jerk off to porn?
I just found out the guy I have been dating for 4 years looks at porn. He acts like such a prude, I’m the one saying lets try different things. I asked him about looking at porn and he said he doesn’t, but he purchased movies and has videos saved to his computer. Ok I get the fact men are visual, but it does make a woman feel like she isn’t what the man wants. Lets face it women bend over backwards to please the guy. I understand that guys masturbate, so do women. But the difference is men are visual, and women are more emotional. We don’t need to look at porn to get hot. I think men like to masturbate, so they don’t have to worry about their partner. Most men want to satisfy their woman, that may take some work…when men masturbate, it’s all about them. They only have to get excited(watch porn) then come…. no holding and talking after sex. My only problem with porn is, wouldn’t this mess with the mind after awhile? Some porn is pretty sick, degrading almost to women, wouldn’t a guy get weird with sex in his mind? Women want to be valued and loved, not feel like shit in bed.
So yesterday as I was using my boyfriend’s computer I happened upon a site that contained pictures of nude women. Then I looked at his history and found a ton more.
Here’s the thing: I’ve always figured, eventhough he denied it (after a conflict we got in when he told me he did it), but boy what a shock.
Perhaps it wasn’t the shock that he looked at other women for sexual gratification, but the fact that the women he looks at are completely different than me. I found blonde women everywhere…blonde and skinny women. He has always told me that he prefers dark hair (like mine….he even said that i should never dye my hair blonde especially because he says “he has never found that attractive,” this was true because before we started dating he had tons of photos of dark haired women…btw, I had no problem with it before we started having sex) and also a girl with meat on her bones (the girls on the site….all skinney with bones protruding) as a matter of fact he tells me that he’d be concerned if I lost any weight. I’m average weight not a heifer by any stretch of the imagination.
He tells me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world that I satisfy him and that he loves me more than life itself that I’m exactly what he wants in woman….but I can’t stop thinking…if I’m really that then why uses pictures of women who look nothing like me to satisfy yourself?
Am I crazy? I’m pretty sure I’m being extra sensitive that’s why I didn’t confront him about it because I remember what happened last time I brought this up.
Visiting this page has helped though and it helps when men give advice about this topic. I wish I hadn’t seen anything…I wish he’d clear his history. If anything I’m more pissed that I did find out than anything….living in a bubble and thinking I was the end all and be all was great. But I have to say my confidence has taken a blow.
Also, I know it’s completely naturally for a couple to slowly have sex fewer times than at the beginning…but again after yesterday, I start questioning if it’s because he wants something else. Looking at the responses that seems not to be the thing which is reassuring.
ToTo, I have done lots of thinking about this. I am pretty sure the guy isn’t looking at what color hair they have….I think it is all about the sex. Instead of you feeling like you are not hot enough, it isn’t about you. You have to think it isn’t your issue, it’s his, and apparently every other man. I talked to one of my best guy friends about this, because I was feeling like you. I felt like I could never compete with these hot, sexy,
ready for sex porn girls. He said men do not put emotion into this, they can look at porn and get off and not think twice about it. Now women don’t get this because we put emotion into everything. I asked my boyfriend how he would feel if he clicked on a picture I had on my computer of a guy with nice abs, nice ass, and a huge dick(because most men have an insecurity about this) hard and ready to go. He said he wouldn’t like that…so I said how do you think I feel??
You are not crazy, your reaction is normal, men get embarrassed because who wants to admit they watch porn? My issue is when you are in a relationship, you should be able to talk about anything. Why do men get all defensive when asked questions about what turns them on about the porn they watch, it makes me think what else are ya hiding. I am just trying to understand….. I used to say I feel sorry for women, there is so much pressure for us to be beautiful and sexy and wanted by their men…but really I feel sorry for men to always be distracted by their penis, that must suck. Women are strong and driven, we know what we want.
I hear you on the fact that you wished he would have deleted the history. I wish I had never clicked on the picture on my guys desktop. Then I checked out the rest of his computer and found videos stored. So I have decided to not check up on him. Does your guy treat you right? Does he love you? Do you feel like he respects you? If you answered yes to all, then don’t worry about it.
Thanks Deb. You’re absolutely right.
I remember a while ago when I talked to him about it and he told me that when a guy does masterbate it has no feeling attached to it. It came up when I questioned him about why he finds me so attractive yet the pictures he used to masterbate to were so different than me. I also know that at least in the past, maybe even now (I really don’t know) he told me he’d pleasure himself with pictures of me). I think it all goes back to the men and women are different thing. As women, we may not go straight to the sex thing…we want to know that person, have intimate knowledge before sex is a possibilty, that’s not to say women don’t have urges but it’s different. Thank you for bringing up that point for me. I mean biologically men and women were built differenly, I’m sure having your sex organ exposed and in front of you all day makes sex a subject not very far from the mind and maybe that’s why there’s no real feeling attached to masterbation, it’s kind of numbing after awhile.
It’s all really new to me. I’ve been in this relationship for almost two years. We’re still active. He loves me and respects me. He treats me right. We do have problems like everyone but we’re both still trying to fix those because we both want a future together.
I’ll let it go and Deb thanks again for responding. Ever since I saw those pictures I keep getting those images in my head and I really didn’t know what to do. Perhaps when I’m not so close to that day and I’ve calmed down, I’ll approach the subject with him. But I must also say that this experience has kind of liberated me in a way. Right now it’s like if he wants those pictures then fine but I’ll damned if I feel pressured to look like those pictures. He came to me how I was two years ago and I’m not going to change, even for him.
Thank you!
Also seeing that I’m not the only one helps tremendously!
ToTo
My boyfriend and I talked about it last night. I asked him if he desired the women in the pictures, or is just looking at body parts, and he said body parts. Women use all their senses when making love, men like to look at you and get aroused by looking at you when making love. We like the touch, the feel, the view, we take it all in. The way I got my boyfriend to talk was, I just said I am trying to understand, and we should be able to talk about anything….no secrets. He said, that the porn to men are like vibrators to women. Women aren’t attached to their vibrators right? I told him I went online and looked at porn to see what the excitement was all about. I have to tell you, it was a turn on to some extent, but I wouldn’t want to watch it a lot….after awhile making love would be just sex. And when you love someone, it is sharing your souls. I agree with you for men their penis is right out there, front and center….where for us it is having them inside us, I think that’s why it is more personal for us?…..I am glad he and I talked, I feel ok with it.
I know how you feel about having the pictures in your head…I kept thinking about it and thinking about it. We are trying to understand, that’s all. I hope you two can talk, because from the way my boyfriend made it sound, I was making way more out of it than need be. I agree with you that it is nice to know we are not alone in all of this
happysacks has a sackypoint
ball scratching is pussyscratching
Im a chick, and this whole “women put emotion into everything” god, this is why I hate women, it;s bullshit. Im not like that. I look at porn all the time and it’s about getting off, so is sex, i cant believe you chicks cant seperate lust from love, maybe im just different. i dont want marraige and i dont want kids.
Lindsay,
You put a lot of emotion in that.
Just like all of you, the whole porn thing started to get to me, and I am happy to know that I am not alone.
My boyfriend watches porn all the time, but hides it of course. However, he would really want to do a threesum with me and whatever girl I would want to pick. This makes me think that the porn thing is not so innocent.
I am not too sure that I really believe that guys just watch porn and that is the end of it. I do think that they would actually prefer to be with a professional or just some other girl than their partner sometimes. Guys likes security, that is why they have girlfriends. However, the things that are “forbidden” are just sometimes a little more interesting.
I once heard a guy say that if his girlfriend had sex with another guy he would think it was gross, but he didn’t think it was gross if he did. So with this mind set; I am still not convinced that we should accept our boyfriends watching porn, it is condescending and insulting to us. All this porn watching is making all these pretty girls in here feel insecure; how is that fair?
I really don’t understand porn; how has it ever been good for a guy to watch another guy getting down with some hot girl.
My advice for all insecure but pretty girls; Prove your point. Take some sexy pictures of yourself, make it a hobby for you to enjoy your amazingness. Edit your pictures to make it look perfect; and make it your thing. I am sure that your boyfriends will be questioning such behavior. Keep a dildo in the closet, just to let him know that you have your ways too. Don’t tell him, he never did. I hear way too many girls willing to take slutty pics of themselves or do crazy things in the bedroom to please their boyfriends. Don’t do it for them. Do it for yourself! I believe it is important that you wont let another person in your life bring you down. Your boyfriend chose you, and if he did, I bet some other guy will find you pretty sexy too: keep that in mind before you let some dirty porn bring you down.
My god, I can’t even believe I found this message board.Whats even worse, I can’t believe I’m even looking up answers to this question. It’s so sad that a man I am so in love with could make me feel so incomplete….Yeah…me too. My husband was sneaking behind my back for who knows how long checking out porn sites on his cell phone…Real big shock when some woman getting ass fucked popped up on his phone. Didn’t know he was soooo interested in that, how would I know, he wasn’t in our bed trying to fuck me in my ass ??? The question isn’t why do guys like porn….but why do guys need to sneak behind our back and lie to us ? If they gave us half the attention that they gave to their little hot chicks….Maybe they would be actually getting laid and not hiding in a room whacking off. I never thought I was ugly, no I’m not perfect, but I can honestly say he has taken all my self esteem away from me. I completely feel like I am nothing. All I know is that he wasn’t coming to sex me after he had his little excitement, so what am I, not even good enough to be added to his little fantasy session ? It is sooo unbelievable that a guy that says he’s absolutely in love with you can make you feel like you are absolutely nothing.
Kristina: One time my boyfriend was in his bedroom and wanted some “alone-time”…when I had to go get something in the closet, I got a glimse of a pink background screen and some flesh. Porn obviously! I just pretended like I wasn’t paying attention and left quickly. 30 minutes later he comes out to me all lovy-dovy and drags me into the bedroom…and honestly! It does not feel good when your boyfriend gets off on some other girls and then wants to take care of his “wood” on you. I don’t really know what is worse, but that one hurt my self esteem as well.
My boyfriend is like the rest of the boys in here…never up for something new; like going to a sex-store and buy something different and crazy. I don’t really care if he is into it or not, I am…but I know that he likes watching other girls do exactly what I like doing. I think porn is like any other addiction that can get worse, like drugs. Boys/guys/men should be able to stop if they know their significant other feel insecure about it. I have several times thought of how to bring it up to my boyfriend, but guys don’t seem to have conscience, so he wont understand until he has felt it himself.
I tell my girlfriend when I accidentally cum on the keyboard while looking at midget porn and she laughs like hell and is all like “well have fun cleaning that shit up moron” then she tells me that she thinks Jack Black is sexy and I barf all over the place. Then we have sex every night and every morning. And we accept each others bullshit and find it charming. Go find someone that you love for who they are. Accept them.
my boyfriend at least owns about 30 porn movies and that really bothers me because it makes me think he likes watching porn instead of having sex with me but when i ask him why does he like wathing porn he said” its a guy thing” we berly have sex but he enjoys watching porno instead of havi
I have a boyfriend of 2 years now.He watches porn constantly it seems like anyway..he visits all of the sights iv seen it on his computer.He doesnt try to hide it from me,but he knows that I dont like it.I think its degrading for a women to be with someone who wants to watch porn all the time when they have someone that they can have sex with whenever they want to,and not to be sound into myself but im told im a looker *laughs*.So I cant quite grasp the concept of watching it if u have someone who will do anything for u?
A long and interesting discussion. I think i can contribute seeing as most posts are from worried girls/women. (hope its not too long).
I’m a 22yo guy and i have a girlfriend a year younger than me. We’ve been together for a couple of years since uni but now live temporarily far apart, only able to talk on the phone. Point is, i find myself looking at porn whenever i get the chance, which is usually at some point everyday. I’ve done it for ages, but its not just been since we have been living apart. I snuck on and had secret sessions while my gf was upstairs in her room or out of the house during the last year of uni.
The beginning of our relationship was electric, so much sex, as is usual with people who are new to each other. After about a year we had moderately less, but still alot. These days we don’t have sex anywhere near as often, although its hard to tell being apart, but relatively speaking…less. I think that porn was alluring because it was easy excitment, forbidden and let me ignore emotional aspects of our relationship. It was and is easier to hide behind meaningless porn rather than confront my real emotional state. Just like any addiction, as i think was mentioned by someone else here, the temptation is overwhelming each time opportunity arises.
Incidentally, i don’t think the content of the porn matters at all, it can be anything because it all serves the same purpose and that usually involves it being of something that you can’t have when you are in a relationship. Furthermore, i think many of these fantasies that guys have are things that they do not really want any girl they like to do or like in real life.
It all feels very wrong and for good reason. Porn is not always bad, eroticism can affect and stimulate guys and girls hugely, but the problem is that i think even the guys themselves know that looking at porn and getting off alone conflicts with what they really want. The problem is that it’s so easy to shut out real feelings when a fantasy floats so vividly in front of your eyes.
I need to end this spiel. I love my girlfriend hugely, i get nothing from porn because i look at too much. Orgasms mean nothing. I feel like i am cheating on my gf. I want to fix this very badly and so i’m going to talk to her about it all as we’ve always been able to talk about anything. We can both make each other understand anything because when we talk properly we both know that the result we are both lookign for is truth. Feelings are always hurt the least when you both know that all you are saying, you are saying because its true. You can’t ask more than that of anyone, and you should not think that your relationship is what it should be unless you can talk this way. That’s why i need to talk to my gf.
I have expressed myself terribly and omitted a lot. So if anyone wants to ask me any questions i’ll happily explain more.
Ghoul> So do you think it is even possible for a guy to completely stop watching porn?
My boydfriend says that porn stars aren’t hot…they have a bunch of flaws. He has even admitted that face is not important but the body is. That makes me kind of sad, because I think my face is very “good.” So sex and skin is the only thing that matters when a guy watches porn? I mean, I believe that I’m better than most of those porn stars, so I feel my prettyness is a waste.
I enjoyed reading many of the comments posted. I am currently experiencing a similar situation. I feel as though I have a higher libido than that of my boyfriends. As in my past experiences with men, when you are at it like rabbits, I did not experience that with my current boyfriend. I have dressed up in lingerie, have waited naked with his uniform shirt when he arrives home from work, have walked naked out of the bedroom and to the bathroom, and was rejected. I don’t understand. This appalls me! How can I crave sex more than my BF. THEN, to find porn in his bathroom, hidden places, and recently visited websites on his computer. WHAT IS GOING ON? Is he lazy with sex too? Why do I have to constantly initiate? Why do I have to bring it to his attention? This is so absurd. Then there are moments he locks himself in the bathroom and puts music on, which makes me suspect that he is in there masturbating. It has been a month and 1 week and we have not engaged in any sexual activity. I’m sure if I were to initiate 20 times perhaps I’d win once or twice. Ok I’m exaggerating but I am so frustrated at this point I don’t know what to do. What kind of man turns down his partner for SEX. Sorry for venting to you all. I have been empowered from all your postings to share something from my relationship. Thanks to anyone who reads this.
Mischa:
Your prettiness is only a waste if you want to be a porn star someday. If you want to make a man happy in real life, a nice body and a beautiful face are both very positive attributes.
sexdeprived:
You and your man have serious issues. If you can’t resolve it by talking to him about it, you might want to consider counseling. And I don’t think porn is necessarily the problem. Men can have porn and still want to fuck their spouses regularly.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We have tons of sex. We both seem to enjoy it. About a month ago, however I looked at his history and discovered that he was looking at porn-regularly. It was extremeley upsetting. It hurt my feelings because I felt as if I wasn’t as attractive or as sexually inclined as what he was viewing. When I bought it up, he apologized but shrugged it off as being “a guy thing”. While this maybe true it still bothered me so I brought it up again. This time he got up, and cut one of the cords in half and said “Now we don’t have a computer. Are you happy?”. After a while I told him it was okay and that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because I hate arguing. He fixed his computer and the next day the websites were back on the history.
What should I do?
Sharon,
I think he is embarrassed to talk about this…. My boyfriend got really upset when I found out he was looking at porn. But he did say he thought about it, and decided he needed to open up and talk to me about it. As women we need to feel desired by our men, we don’t want them gettin’ off looking at porn. So, I have thought and talked with other people, and it boils down to this..it has nothing to do with you. Most men do look at porn, why? It is something we will not get because we do not have a penis. If it bugs you, I think it is only fair your guy talks to you about it. My boyfriend talked to me about it, and truthfully it really helped. Honestly if I were you I wouldn’t look at the history any more. If you are happy in your relationship and the porn doesn’t get in your way with your sex life, who cares? I think that if the porn takes over the relationship…then it is time to move on. It isn’t your obsession, you just keep being the wonderful person you are.
Hi, I enjoyed all these situations and these discussions are making me understand why guys watch and like porn. However, I have my own situation. Here’s the thing, I’ve been together with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. We both love each other very much and talk about the future- living together, getting married, and having kids. And our sex life is great but throughout our relationship, he’s watched porn which bothered me a little. It didn’t bother me a lot until recently. I have been on his computer and there was a TON of PORN!! (Athough there was not much lesbian porn). When I confronted him, he said he can’t explain why he likes porn and said he would take the lesbian porn off because he didn’t realized he had it. He said the lesbian porn does not really turn him on because they are not into men snd it is stupid. However, he admitted the other porn turns him on and he looks for new moves for us to try.I was somewhat frustrated when I heard this but was glad he was honest. I eventually got over this until I started searching his computer again and found that he got a porn video from some slut on the internet and was im her and talked dirty to her!!! It pissed me off to see that he was talking dirty to another woman even though he was joking!!! I confronted him about it and he said he was sorry and was ashamed. I know I’m pretty and I know I can do much better if I wanted too.When I started dating him, my friends said I could do much better and he even knows he’s lucky to have a hott woman like me. I don’t mind that he watches porn except that he got it from a woman who he doesn’t even know and talked dirty to her on the internet. Am I overreacting? He said he loves me and that I deserve better and that he is sorry for dirty talking to another woman.
Ok so it seems like there are quite a few other girls that have the same problem as me…the boyfriend and porn. I cannot stand it! I have talked to him about it so many times and he continues to do it. It is so frustrating. Now no matter what I say or what I want it doesnt seem to matter because he will still watch his porn and honestly it has affected our sex life and I hate it. I dont see the point when you have a girlfriend who is younger then you and has more of a sex drive why porn plays a larger role then being with your girlfriend. It is a horrible feeling to look at the computer and see porn hidden everywhere. he acts like it isnt a big deal and maybe it wouldnt be if he was more honest about it and it didnt affect our sex life. This needs to stop any suggestions???
I would recommend that you try to find some way not to take it so personally. Do you get upset when he watches football or drinks beer or hangs out with his guy friends? Watching porn is something guys like to do. It’s not a personal attack on you and your sex life.
That being said, he’s a pussy if he can’t own up to his “hobby”. I’m a huge fan of better communication. I think masturbation is a healthy conversation topic for a couple - porn as well.
One more thing… what is with all this snooping? Would you like it if he searched through your call records on your cell phone or looked through your purse when you weren’t around?
Maybe instead of snooping, you should try to talk to him. But be ready, because the end of the conversation might be “I like porn and I don’t want to talk to you about it. Let me have my own secret hobby and a little personal space.”
[…] Related post: Why do guys like porn? […]
Oh man. I’m so glad I found other people with this problem.
Okay, first of all, JJ, I wouldn’t CARE if he snooped because I don’t do anything that hurts him. PERIOD.
Porn hurts me, he should stop.
I’ve taken my boyfriend’s computer. (We agreed to it because he says he’s willing to try to stop (even though I still think this is bs), but it’s too hard with the temptation sitting there on his lab top) He still has his Wii and has access there but that doesn’t bother me nearly as much because I know it’s more difficult to access porn that way (although more confidential I guess..)
I keep thinking I’ll just let it go but it’s not that easy.
And like many girls on here, I DO try to be this sex goddess for him. I am the blow job QUEEN, and I’m always horny, all the time. If I could get it my way I’d have sex twice a day. I’m willing to try all sorts of freaky positions, a lot of them pornographic in and of themselves… but a LOT of times I get turned down. At night he’s awake enough to hang out with his friends but not enough to fuck me. It kind of pisses me off. And he’s into feet… I’ve completely gone out of my way to do what he wants with that, to research it, to get all dolled up and wear thigh highs and little shoes and pedicures and whatever else…
Everything else is GREAT in the relationship except for the issue of OTHER WOMEN. Porn, girls on the street… whoever he’s looking at besides me.
Lately I’VE been going on the internet and taking dirty pictures of myself just to get some fucking attention, to feel sexy again, to feel wanted.
I masturbate more than I have sex and that, my friends, is CRAP.
Have you ever considered this possibility?
Okay, well, that was unnecessary. Other people said roughly the same thing I said and you’re telling ME that he just doesn’t like me? Excuse me?
Like I said, our relationship is good, aside from this one issue.
Obviously I don’t know you or your man. But from what you’ve said here, it seems like your issue is much larger than just porn.
“If I could get it my way I’d have sex twice a day… but a LOT of times I get turned down.”
“At night he’s awake enough to hang out with his friends but not enough to fuck me.”
“Everything else is GREAT in the relationship except for the issue of OTHER WOMEN.”
“I masturbate more than I have sex”
Maybe porn is to blame… but it sounds to me like you two need to have a serious conversation about your relationship.
ok, I have read this entire page, pretty much gotten the anwser I want/need, I think?
So, I have been in a relationship for 6yrs. Soon to be getting married. We have great sex, when we actually have sex. Since I have had our baby, things in that department have slowed down alot. But I do maintain to try to always please my mans needs as well as mine. He has been into porn since before the baby, and I was giving him sex, oral, etc all the time, every chance we had, but still he would look at it the minute I left the house, was alseep, etc etc. After I “thought” I had pleased him enough? So,I have had this same question unanswered for years now “Why do guys like porn so much?” particularly mine?
I am always willing to try new things with him, even if I am not real crazy about the new idea, I still give it a shot, hey I may end up really liking it. So, after many new bedroom idea’s tried, sex games, outfits, etc etc Why does he STILL have the need to watch the porn???
I have tried talking to him about this several times! We have a open relationship, well so I thought, we are open to everything but this one subject he just won’t talk to me about??!! Why? It never really really bothered me until after I had the baby, since as any woman would know, you have few new battle wounds/scars, rolls, etc and you get real insecure with how you look. I have brought that up while trying to talk to him about it, he says he loves me the way I am & I am beautiful. The thing that KILLS me is that he knows I know he is looking, I have told him several times to bring the porn to the bedroom, I will watch it with him, and that he doesn’t have to hide it. But he still hides it, deletes it from the history & cookies, and so on. Why?
Why do some men find it that they have to hide this from their partner? I understand that this could be his “private thing” but what about including me in it sometime?? Why doesn’t he? I mean I like to look at porn just as much as he, and he knows this, so I really don’t understand this whole hiding it & looking at it behind my back thing??
They hide it because they know it’s wrong. Looking at porn IS cheating, no matter how you spin it. It is. It is DELIBERATELY fantasizing about another woman. We get upset about it for a damn reason- it’s wrong!
Jenn:
Using your logic, wives should not be allowed to read romance novels.
Well it’s certainly a better explanation then “some guys just want to jerk off in private”.
They know their women will get upset, yet they do it anyway. What does that say? If it’s so innocent, if it means so little, why don’t they stop?
An Interesting Article from Dr.Phil.com:
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a “normal guy thing”? Here’s what Dr. Phil believes:
# It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
# Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it’s gone too far.
# Pornography isn’t real, it’s a fantasy. It’s makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It’s also somebody’s daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She’s demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she’s being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It’s not healthy, it’s not natural and it’s not normal.
# Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
# You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.
Ask yourself or your partner:
# Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
# Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
# Do you justify the behavior by saying, “It’s harmless,” “Everyone does it,” or “It’s just the Internet”?
# Does it intrude on your relationship?
# Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?
-http://drphil.com/articles/article/54
My husband and I have been married going on 4 years now. I have disliked porn since the beginning of our relationship. I have tried watching it with him and making it part our marriage but it I just find myself hating sex after watching it. I told my husband this and he said that if it was a huge deal he would stop. Recently, I discovered porn sites on the computer and confronted him about it and he blamed it on the neighbor. Later, he confessed that it was him. I am really hurt that he lied to me about the porn issue. Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to stop looking at porn?
Maggie:
I’m struggling with the same issue. The thing is, I honestly don’t believe they do it to hurt us. I think he knows that it would be the right thing to stop watching it FOR you, but he doesn’t want to stop. He likes looking at porn. I’ve done a lot of research into this. The above article from Dr. Phil is what I agree with, wholeheartedly, but unfortunately, in this day and age it’s a little unrealistic. This isn’t about us, it’s part of who they are. They’ve done it for as long as they can remember (I effing hate Hugh Heffner).
Lately, I’ve been watching as much porn as I possibly can. I’m trying to desensitive meyself to it, trying to get rid of the knee jerk reaction to hate it and to hate the woman on the screen and to hate my man for watching this kind of stuff. It is arousing, but that doesn’t make it less painful or less difficult to compare yourself to the girl on the screen.
I’m doing this because I’ve tried everything else. I’ve made porn for my boyfriend- it didn’t work. I’ve tried the sexy outfits and toys. I’ve tried to fuck him every minute of the day to keep him satisfied- but it doesn’t change anything.
Men AND women can’t change their nature. I hate saying this, because it never satisfied me, but men are visually stimulated. Me watching Grey’s Anatomy and fantasizing about marrying Dr. McDreamy is innocent, completely innocent, and it’s the same thing, I think, as guys watching porn. It’s just a fantasy.
And you can take the porn away but they’ll just find other outlets to get it. I promise you. I take my boyfriend’s lab top but I know he’s looking at on his Wii.
I wish it were as simple as my emotional response is (i.e. it hurts me so he should stop), but the thing is, it’s not black and white. This isn’t a full fledged affair with other women, it’s a girl he thinks it attractive on the screen (and believe me, he thinking she’s attractive is in no way a threat to him thinking your attractive… like, I can think Seal is sexy, but it doesn’t change the fact that I think Brad Pitt is hot, too) but once the movie is over (or he’s cum), she’s gone. He doesn’t buy her flowers, or hold her when she cries, or call her to see how she’s doing. He doesn’t give a crap about her. She’s just an image on the screen. If she dies, he doesn’t give a shit. He’ll just watch her old videos.
We cry a lot about it, but the way they see it is: she just doesn’t understand. If she understood, she wouldn’t care. And therefore it’s okay.
My boyfriend once put it to me this way: “If it bothered me that you went to Starbucks a couple times a week, would you stop?” That’s seriously as superficial of a hobby it is. It’s just routine for them, just something they enjoy, and it’s completely seperate from you.
As relationships progress, it’s natural for the heat of the sexual relationship to die down. On both ends. But that doesn’t mean his urge goes away. Now, he wants to go out and screw another woman, but he knows it wouldn’t sit well with you, and he loves you and doesn’t want to lose you. So he finds other women on the internet. Anonymous women, that, again, he doesn’t give a crap about, and visually fucks them. And it’s done. And he comes home to you, who, as it just might be, he’s fucked so many times that he just doesn’t want it so much anymore. Kind of like a really good food item you like… like I used to LOVE ruby tuesday’s chocolate tall cake, and don’t get me wrong, i still love it, and still love to have it, but i don’t go for it so much anymore. it’s kind of like that, I think.
…So I think I’m starting to get a grip on this!
I’ve gotten this far from doing research, and I think you should do the same. I’m not telling you to change yourself, but remember, you don’t want to change him either.
If it’s a serious issue for the relationship, either accept it or let him go.
I would choose porn over some one who refuses to accept me for who I am.
Dr. Phill???!!! Get real! That guy is just afraid of loosing his entire audience by admitting that he jerks off to porn on the daily.
Acceptance is the key here people go find someone who you accept for who they are and stop judging people with your personal moral code. Those are your values not anyone else’s. Find someone who shares them and stop acting like some sort of pornographic conquistador that feels the need to eradicate porn on behalf of some contorted version of early Protestant “sex is bad” ideology.
Oldgreensock-
First of all, I’m an atheist. Second of all, I don’t believe sex is bad. But I DO believe that cheating is bad. And you may justify your behavior with this acceptance crap, but I’m sure an alcoholic, drug addict, or chronic womanizer would feel the same way. It’s not about trying to control someone. It’s about not wanting a significant other to cheat. People draw their own lines in different places. Whose to say MY line (i.e., i don’t want my boyfriend looking at porn or anything else) is any different from yours (you don’t want your girlfriend sleeping with other guys)?
And anyway, just because Dr. Phil wrote it doesn’t mean his arguments are meaningless. Did you even read it?
Jenn,
Thanks for the response. I am not sure what I am going to do. I just wish that he would have told me it was such a big deal before I got emotionally involved. It would have been easier to walk away four years ago. I just am really disturbed by the fact that he has lied to me, even though he says he just started back, ironically, I thought our life was the best it had ever been, but then I find this out. I have a hard time believing he stopped and then after four years went back to it. I think he has been lying to me about it. I am not sure what to do, I want to accept I really do but who knows.
Maggie,
I so wish you and I could talk more, because we’re both in the same boat.
I will tell you that if you leave and start dating another man, this will continue to be an issue. And if you tell him to quit looking at porn, he’ll lie and say he’ll stop, but he won’t.
Read the following I got from the Talk Sex with Sue website (http://www.talksexwithsue.com/pornography.html):
“Many women are quite upset when they find their partner’s stash of magazines and videos, and they throw them out. Unfortunately, this does not work, he will just find a better hiding place”
Obviously, your man has some things to work on, like communication and honesty. Counseling might be something you want to consider, because four years of marriage isn’t something you want to throw away, especially over an issue you will never be able to get over with any man.( I KNOW that this is so depressing ). And you need to be able to build back that trust, because this has definitely dealt a blow to it, so counseling might help.
But you (and me both) have a lot of things to work on ourselves. Number one, we both need to research this. You absolutely have to understand what you’re dealing with. Watch porn, by yourself. Research male sexuality. I know this is going to sound really sucky, but we’re going to have to get over this, because we’re never going to be able to stop it. You can take his computer, you can constantly monitor what he’s doing, but he’s just going to find better ways to hide it and he’s only going to resent you more in the process.
Also, start to develop your own sexual independence. Have you ever tried masturbation? Buy a vibrator. Try female porn.
It just might turn out that some of the people in this conversation were right. It just might spark your relationship to have your own private sexual lives. Of course you don’t want to go out and have a full-fledged affair (or even a one night stand), but look. You say these past few years have been some of the best of your relationship, so obviously his looking at porn (and I promise he’s been doing it the entire time) has not had a negative side effect on the relationship. It might have even made it better.
If this does lead to something worse, then it’s time to walk away, but honestly, I don’t think it will. When I talk to my boyfriend, and this is hard to hear, he’ll tell me that it helps him not cheat, that it satisfies his instinctive urge to sleep with as many women as possible.
You can also try to look at it this way: it makes him happy. If you love him, you should want his happiness. Obviously we all have to draw our lines, and while this porn thing is an ambiguous issue, we definitely know that it’s not, like I said, having a full fledged physical relationship with another woman.
If you would like to continue this conversation in a more private place, feel free to email me at jkarabin@gmail.com.
I really honestly hope that you can resolve this issue soon, because, like I said, I’m struggling with it, too, and I know how much it sucks.
Hugs from far away!
Porn makes women hate other women.
Men shouldn’t promote this as a key fantasy for them is woman on woman…
I hate porn; its childish; something little boys giggle over, when men do it, it is seedy and correlates to the detached lie (life??) they are living.
TBone
Thanks for your input. I do not think I could have said it better myself. I don’t really hate women but I guess there is def. a feeling there that I cannot put my finger on about women who do porn. I wish my husband shared the same views as you. I do not see how someone could get addicted to it, especially when he has a wife that has never turned him down, until she found out that he was looking at it again. Who knows maybe its me and not him.
It makes me hate women, too. Some people would attribute that to jealousy, but, if your husband was sleeping with another woman, you’d be feeling more than jealousy over this other woman. You would loathe the very core of her, this thief that has stolen your man, this bitch that doesn’t care that he belongs to you. That’s how I feel about women in pornography.
And what’s even more sick and twisted is that women who do this are considered empowered. I saw Jenna Jameson on LA Ink being crowned a hero when in actuality, she’s a whore that is only making it worse for women out there.
A book you might consider reading is “Male Chauvinist Pigs”. I’m blanking on the name of the author, but you can google it.
I’m glad you agree with me guys! My aunt is doing a Ph.D on the way women are treated and I also feel strongly against the degradation of women and thier rights.
I’m thinking about the whole porn issue more and more; obviously its a part of a mans sexuality. If he wants to have a part of his sexuality all to himself (not that I would share this, the lowest depiction of women possible), and does so as a monagamous male, then there is something I might not want to share with him. Prehaps I wont try to orgasm in sex. That can be for my alone time until he gets rid of the crap.
Not to mention that one DVD (out of about 15) he bought was $(au)65 and roughly the same price I recently spent on an airflight; to which he declined the prospect of coming due to “insufficient funds”…
This makes me want to be a lesbian.
LOL @the lesbian comment.
That is the thing that really gets me mad. My boyfriend spent 500.00 on porn shit, and if I buy a new dress, I am not budgeting. What the Hell?? I have thought long and hard about this subject, and I decided, it has nothing to do with me, why am I taking this on as my problem? I am a beautiful, confident woman, no man defines me. I read all of the postings and a lot of the women said they would dress sexy, do different things in bed, have sex all the time to PLEASE their man. But my question to all of you, is why? If you want to do all of that because you want to , then cool. But why compromise yourself just because we don’t understand their obsession with porn. I had all the feelings everyone else has felt on this site, but then I said to myself, I don’t want to watch porn, it messes with your brain and sexuality. I want my sex not be tainted, to be real, not compete with porn stars, who go home after work, and put on their jammy pants and relax, just like all the other women in the world do. So I am going to stay strong, make sure I have great sex, not do things in bed that I do not want to do. I am putting this back on him, not my problem and if he wants a porn star, then he really needs to try and date one. Good luck with that one.
It doesn’t bother me when my husband looks at porn AS LONG AS HE IS HAVING SEX WITH ME. We have struggled with this issue for a long time now, even been to counseling about it (which didn’t help). I have always had an appetite for sex, but at about the 1 year mark of our relationship (we have been together 6 yrs) our sex life started to drop off. Now we have sex maybe once every couple months. It is a very strange thing because we are both very attractive people and I know we are attracted to each other, yet we have had so many issues in this area that I think it is easier to masturbate alone to our fantasies and not have to deal with the emotional crap and worries of engaging in sex with one another. I have pretty kinky fantasies, some would even say perverted, and he doesn’t approve or want to hear about them. I don’t even know what his fantasies are because he won’t tell me (you see why we ended up with a counselor). It is just a sad thing in a relationship to love someone and want to be with them but because of some kind of emotional hang up you are both having sex with fantasies more than with each other.
I struggled with porn in a relationship for awhile. Sex had kind of stopped for a bit because of a miscarriage. My sexual drive was still there, but it just didn’t happen for a bit. I took it really personal when I walked in on him jerking off one day. I didn’t say anything, but I felt so betrayed that I just walked out, more like ran out. We worked together, so when he arrived at work, there was tension and some not so kind words from him. I used to hate porn. It was used against me in a abusive relationship. I was always compared and it was made very clear to me. He never knew that, but I always seem to take it personal, I assume it’s just my fear of being compared again.
I don’t really know how to bring it up currently in my current relationship. I know he looks at it, but I don’t want him to know about my past with it and why I am so stand offish when it comes to porn. Do you think he needs to know? I don’t want him to hide it. I don’t mind, as long as it doesn’t affect our personal sex life. Can someone help me out?
how do women feel when some men would rather watch porn than have sex with their mate answer that one boys
Leecha,
Sadly I know what you mean. I was also in a relationship and when I finally met my husband I did not tell him, I knew he looked at porn but I did not know how deep he was into it till we moved in with each other. I finally did and break down and tell him about my past and how badly I felt not telling him sooner. He handled it very well I thought, I recently found out that he was hiding it and that hurt me more than anyone could ever known. I felt like I was in another abusive relationship just this time it was a completely different type. I cannot tell you that if you tell your partner that he will magically quit and things will go great for you, and I cannot tell you that if you don’t tell him that it won’t come back and bite you in the butt. You know him better. I would just suggest that you tell him, and if he wants to do it (and you are completely ok with it)then that is fine but not to hide it. Ironically, our sex life was going great and it went downhill when I found out he was looking at porn, I felt like he was not thinking of me but just imagining some crazy porn star. But who knows. If you need to talk more, I am here. Good Luck