Naked Lesbian Exhibitionists!

21Aug/0620

Naked Lesbian Exhibitionists!

I swear I am not making this up. I used to live next door to lesbian exhibitionists. Seriously.

Frankie and I moved into an apartment in Orlando after I graduated college. I had a shitty job working in a drug store and Frankie had a 9 to 5 office job. We'd come home from work, get drunk, watch basketball, play darts, etc. Then one day things got a little more exciting.

Frankie had just gotten home from work. I was already working on my second beer when he came through the door. As soon as he walked in, he quickly shut the door, turned off the living room lights and started pointing frantically at the TV.

"What?"
"Shhhh..." He whispered, "Turn it off!"

I was totally confused, but I hit the button on the remote. It didn't stop there. Frankie got down on his hands and knees in the dark, right next to the front door.

I wanted to ruin whatever retarded joke he was trying to pull.

"Dude, what the fuck?"
He continued to whisper. "Shut the fuck up, man. Down! Down!"
"Fucking tell me."
"Titties, man" He said, "Titties!"

I got down on my hands and knees.

He crawled over toward the window on the side of our apartment and crouched under the sill, out of sight. He told me that as he pulled into the parking lot downstairs, our next door neighbor was leaning out of her front window, smoking a cigarette... topless!

"Which one?"
"The hot brunette!"

I immediately crawled into the kitchen and reached up to turn off that light too. Frankie popped his head up and looked through the living room window over toward our favorite neighbors' apartment.

"Whaddaya see?"
"Nothing."

I looked through the kitchen window. "Bingo!" Our neighbor had finished her cigarette and was apparently back to what she was doing before her little smoke break: ironing in the buff.

I shit you not. She was completely naked, ironing clothes in her kitchen. Frankie scurried over to catch a glimpse. More than a glimpse actually. It was a fucking spectacle. It was almost like she was putting on a show for us.

And the show got even better. Her girlfriend lived there too. A cute blond chick. And of course, she shared her partner's exhibitionistic tendencies. She came strutting out of their bedroom toward the kitchen - buck fucking naked.

The chatted and ironed and drank wine and watched TV and smoked cigarettes. After a few minutes it was obvious that they didn't care who was watching or not watching. They had nothing to hide. Frankie tried to be sneaky about it. We got up slowly and turned the TV back on, acting like it was another normal evening. But every couple of minutes, we'd look over and see that they were still in there. Still naked. Still hot.

After that night, it was really no big deal. We even had conversations with the brunette on occasion as she leaned out the window to smoke with her funbags dangling. I wonder why they didn't feel threatened by us or why they weren't worried we might be staring at them CONSTANTLY. Maybe they thought we were gay. Fuck.

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Comments (20) Trackbacks (1) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

Ev
August 22nd, 2006 - 01:29

What’s this “were gay” business?

Need I remind you of the little faux-hawk that could?
sarah
August 22nd, 2006 - 12:45

we’ve already covered this: you totally look heteroflexible/gay. hence, not scared of you. DUH.
Leon
August 22nd, 2006 - 13:48

My God! Can I move in?
La Chou
August 22nd, 2006 - 15:03

Oh god…sounds like every man (and some women’s) fantasy! My roommate and I used to walk around naked in our apartment until we realized that the utility workers could see us…and were usually lurking outside our window. We weren’t even lesbians. Thanks for the comment…I love your blog.
Kristyn
August 22nd, 2006 - 16:00

Oh my, I’m so jealous. My next door neighbors are all a bunch of crazy, midnight BBQ-ing hicks. Once, we came home to find them outside with their guns, leaning against the trucks, drinking beer. I ran into the house and locked all the door. Maybe we’ll get hot lesbians at the next place we live.

I came across y’all on BlogMad and I love your blog!

Kristyn
JJ
August 22nd, 2006 - 16:25

Ev:
I know I know… If I ever looked gay, it’s even worse now.

Sarah:
Dammit. I want to be scary!

Leon:
Hell yes. I’m sure the ladies are looking for more potential peepers.

La Chou:
Thanks!! I really need to look into a second career as a utility worker.

Kristyn:
I’ll cross my fingers that you end up living next to hotties in the near future. For now, I’d recommend cracking a Pabst with the hicks. Drunk rednecks can be fun every once in a while. Rock on!
Randi
August 22nd, 2006 - 16:27

That’s the kind of nekked I’d want to be a part of, instead I got stuck with our exhibitionist neighbors who had nude pool parties after dark. Only clincher? They were OOOOOOOOOOOOLD! EW!
JJ
August 22nd, 2006 - 16:37

Randi:
Hahaha! That reminds me of something that happened while I was working in the drugstore photolab. One Christmas, I was processing a roll of film and in the middle of all these family pictures, I found several shots of an elderly couple completely naked except for santa hats standing outside next to the family pool. They must’ve been like 80 years old. Those titties were down below her waistline and the dude’s balls… Ahhhh! Ugh.
brian423
August 22nd, 2006 - 18:19

Good karma, dude. Isn’t it a fascinating mystery why they’re willing to do it?
C-Dub
August 22nd, 2006 - 22:44

JJ, I once was snooping around in my attic and found a suitcase with a military uniform in it. later on i found in the pocket, of course, nude pictures of them. the images of less than perky grandma breasts and nasty old man junk has plagued me since. regarding your story: Where do you come across such luck? I envy you. hot brunnette + hot blonde – clothing + lesbian tendencies = Gift from the heavens. how do you do it man, how do you do it?
shirley
August 22nd, 2006 - 22:52

Blogmad hit – ding! Umm, carpet munch!
shirley
August 22nd, 2006 - 23:55

Blogmad hit – umm, titties?
paoloblog
August 23rd, 2006 - 06:30

damn… do us all a favor and take a picture…
blueyes
August 23rd, 2006 - 11:14

And that’s why I have all the shades closed when I walk around my place butt nekkid
Diane
August 23rd, 2006 - 12:39

If you’ve got it flaunt it ya know?
Birdie
August 23rd, 2006 - 13:21

That post was hilarious. Really, it was. I just spit water all over my monitor. Thanks.
mojotek
August 23rd, 2006 - 22:55

““Titties, man” He said, “Titties!”

I got down on my hands and knees.”

It’s hilarious how those words would make you obey his every command. Hell, it would work for any guy… “Titties? Where? And what do I have to do to get to see them?”
shirley
August 25th, 2006 - 18:05

Sooo, you & Frankie started watching TV naked together too, right?
Robguy
August 28th, 2006 - 00:34

Where I live the houses are close enough together to feel like you don’t have any privacy, but too far apart of allow for any focused view. Just as well, there are no hotties in the neighborhood…
naked
July 11th, 2008 - 03:44

Very funny I would like to see their photos:)