Ok, I’m actually going to write a post for The Churn-stile.

(Calm down, just breathe. JJ will probably post tomorrow, and I’ll go back to making weird cartoons. It’s ok. I’m ok. You’re ok. Actually, fuck that. I. AM. NOT. OK. And you fucking aren’t either. Doesn’t honesty feel better?)

So I’m talking to this friend of mine (and yeah dude, it’s gonna be vague, because I don’t know if his/her significant other reads this site.), and I get told that he/she (henceforth known as Dana) is thinking about having an affair with a coworker.

Now, you guys know me, I’m married. My wife was married once before as well. To a guy who cheated on her like there was no tomorrow. So, naturally she has a skewed view, in regards to “cheating bastard cockpricks”[sic]. And like Jules tells Brad, that pretty much means I’m required to subscribe to the exact same doctrine.

But, seeing Dana so excited, yet miserable and torn has made concrete a theory that I’ve been working on.

  • Guys cheat because they truly and completely think with their dicks.
  • Gals cheat because their significant other simply doesn’t communicate with them. Or doesn’t go carpet diving. You know, either one.

*Note: You’ll notice that these are vague, broad generalizations about human nature and I’m basing it on absolutely no proof. Hey!, if it’s good enough for Dubbyah then it’s good enough for me.*

So, Dana is torn about cheating, and yet still plans to do it. And the following conversation happens:

Dana: So, does this make me a bad person?

Me: I don’t know…jeez…I hate to say it, but I think so. I mean, jesus, you’re married.

Dana: Yeah, and I love (SUSIE/JOHN), but lately things have been so difficult. We hardly talk, and God, I can’t remember the last time we (George W. Bush Whisper Style) liberated our sexual freedoms (/George W. Bush Whisper Style).

Me: But don’t you owe it to (SUSIE/JOHN) to be honest? I mean, what if (SUSIE/JOHN) is having an affair. How are you going to feel if that’s the case?

Dana: Well, that’s different. I don’t think I can forgive that.

Me: Are you fucking retarded? You expect to be forgiven for what you’re going to do, and yet admit that you wouldn’t forgive (SUSIE/JOHN)?

Dana: I mean, yeah, that’s what I’m saying, I guess. Why are you so hostile, aetheist?

Me: Excuse me? What does aetheism have to do with fucking around on your spouse?

Dana: Well, I mean, Marriage is only a religious thing, right? So why do you give a fuck?

Me: ……

Dana: What?!?

Me: You’ve got to be fucking kidding. You’re using aetheism to validate your need to “bus’ a nut”[sic] and at the same time negate any responsiblity for your actions?

Dana: Well, yeah. I mean, seriously, we’re not meant to be monogamous. I’m just lonely, you know? I want to feel that connection.

Me: No you’re not. You’re bored. And you want some excitement. Do what I do, download some porn, get out the lube and rub one out. Then, tell me if you still want to cheat.

Dana: That’s not going to fix the problem.

Me: Well, yeah, considering your problem is your marriage.

Dana: What?!!?!?!

Me: Look, if you’re that hard up for a lay that you’re going to cheat; with a coworker, no less, then you need to go home and talk to your spouse. Because obviously things are seriously wrong.

Dana: You’ve never lusted after someone else?

Me: Oh, no, I’m not saying that. I lust after chicks all the time. Hell, at any given moment on any given day, I’m probably lusting after some chick. I mean, raw dog hardcore degrading shit, you know? But then this weird thing happens in my head, I have an entire relationship with that chick inside of 5 minutes, and you know what?

Dana: What?

Me: At the end of the day, my wife treats me better than any of them would. Look, if you can honestly tell me you don’t love or respect (SUSIE/JOHN) then do it. Fuck who you want, when you want. But if you can’t tell me that, you owe it to them to either: A) Fix things at home or B) GET A FUCKING DIVORCE.

Dana: Whatever. I don’t even know why I talked to you about this. You’re such a dick.

Me: You’re just mad that I’m an aethiest (that’s an entirely different argument) and I happen to be right about fucking everything. And the worst part? You feel guilty because you don’t have the stones to face up to what you want or want to do.

Dana: ….

Me: *sigh*Fine. You are right. Cheating is fine. I suppose that’s why it’s called ‘Cheating’. Do what you will, who am I to judge?

So, in the end, I guess Dana’s friendship is more important to me than Dana’s marriage. Sorry, Dana’s spouse. My bad.

To me, the thing that is revolutionary about this is that I called Dana out. Not only did I say what I honestly thought was right, but what I really felt. And that kind of honesty, amidst all this Cloak and Dagger Co-Worker Fucking, gave me a chubby.

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