How to Avoid Getting Picked for Jury Duty

20Sep/0618

How to Avoid Getting Picked for Jury Duty

guys in kilts Jury duty blows. When I got the summons, I wasn't worried. It was my third jury duty summons and I had never been picked before. But I guess in this case, the third time's the charm. Fuck.

Jury duty is a whole lot of sitting around doing jack shit while you wait for someone to tell you what to do next. On Monday, as I sat in a justice center waiting room with 40 other people, I read half a novel. And while I sat there, I started to mull over the odds that I might get picked. This time, I knew there was a real chance.

You see, it looked like I was one of the only semi-sane people in the room. One woman was a seven foot tall elderly lady who smelled of moth balls, another dude was clearly retarded (I'm 100% serious), and the guy sitting next to me... was wearing a kilt. He looked just like one of the dudes in the picture above, except his danglers weren't hanging out.

I soon realized that I might be selected for the sole fact that I appeared to be a functional human being. They put us in a courtroom to fill out our paperwork. Looking over the questions, I seriously considered lying on the forms. Maybe I could've said I think all accused criminals are guilty. Or I could've gone the other direction and suggested that I always believe what a cop says.

Then I noticed the big bold print warning potential jurors of being arrested for "contempt of court" for lying. I have to admit, I'm scared of jail. I wouldn't survive inside - with this small white hairless ass. Inmates would be fighting over that shit.

So I filled out the paperwork properly and I got selected... for a week-long criminal trial. Fuck. I don't really mind missing work, but I don't have internet access in the courtroom. Assholes. Couldn't they let me blog from the jurors' box with some high speed wifi action?

Of course, I can't give you any details about the trial. But I will give you one tip. If you get a summons for jury duty and you don't want to be selected, wear a kilt to court, or become a seven foot tall elderly woman, or grow an extra chromosome in your genetic makeup. Okay, maybe just stick to the kilt thing.

Tagged as: advice, personal, philly Leave a comment

Comments (18) Trackbacks (1) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

mel
September 20th, 2006 - 10:02

LMAO. God I love that pic. Sorry about your jury duty, tho
Diane
September 20th, 2006 - 10:04

LMAO I’ve been picked once and this is a pretty small town and it was just for misdemeanor court. Turns out it was someone I KNEW and I told them that I knew him, but it must have been in the way I said Yeah I KNOW that worthless fucker why they chose me. It was for a Public Intoxication charge and this guy was representing himself. It was clear through the whole thing that the cop that busted him was lying out his ass and after a couple of hours hearing the whole case it took us like 5 minutes to decide that and the guy got off. It was nice being able to stick it to the smug asshole that arrested him even if I didn’t like the guy he busted. LOL Nothing dangling though.
mojotek
September 20th, 2006 - 13:01

“I wouldn’t survive inside – with this small white hairless ass.”

Hairless… hmmm, must be nice.

Anywho, it really does get me how the jury selection system is biased towards those that have more influence and can get out of it more easily. I served once, but it was a civil trial and boring as all get out.
sarah
September 20th, 2006 - 13:34

dude. that sucks. are you at city hall or the building behind it?
the soviet
September 20th, 2006 - 15:24

is it bad that i’m jealous of your jury duty? maybe it’s a “i need variety in life” thing.

love those low-hangers. ha!
JJ
September 20th, 2006 - 17:19

mel:
Yeah, who doesn’t love Scottish ballsacks?

Diane:
Looks like this case is going to be a little more complicated. One day for opening statements, and two days of testimony so far… ugh.

mojotek:
Being relatively free of body hair does make life a little easier, but it also makes me look like a prebubescent boy. I keep telling myself it’s just evolution at work.

sarah:
I’m at the justice center on Filbert. The building is sort of bland but at least it’s newer than the old courtrooms at city hall. I hear those still only have window-unit air conditioning.

the soviet:
I’m not totally hating it. I’ve always been curious. I imagined that real life trials would be completely boring – unlike the excitement on TV courtroom dramas. But I’ve been surprised. There’s actually a lot of action and some pretty heated testimony.
Maritza
September 20th, 2006 - 18:31

I tried reading your post, really I did. But I kept getting distracted by those dangly bits under the dude’s kilt.
heather
September 20th, 2006 - 18:48

i’ve always said i enjoy men in kilts. now you know why.
jamie
September 20th, 2006 - 22:14

Is it one of those things where you’ll be murdered if you don’t accept the bribe?

Take the money.
Omnipotent Poobah
September 20th, 2006 - 23:25

It’s like they say, “would you want to be judged by a jury of YOUR peers?”
Mist1
September 21st, 2006 - 01:03

Two words: Facial tic.

Gets me out of jury duty every time.
Diane
September 21st, 2006 - 06:52

LMAO @ Mist1
The Finest Kind of Pork
September 21st, 2006 - 08:19

Awwww…..JJ. Stuck with jury duty. You’re right…it does blow. I’m not sure it sucks enough to get me into a kilt, though. Maybe if you’d worn your ‘McMarijuana’ t-shirt you’d be somewhere other than in a jury box today. Lesson learned.

So, is that nutsack supposed to be a sublte joke implying a ‘hung’ jury?? Nice…..

—the finest kind of pork
JJ
September 21st, 2006 - 08:33

Maritza:
I admit it’s sexy.

heather:
Because they don’t get picked for jury duty?

jamie:
Good call. Who gives a shit about the justice system when I could snag a little cash?

Omnipotent Poobah:
I don’t think I’d want my actual peers there. People sorta hate me.

Mist1:
It’s really weird that you should say that. I’ve got this strange eyelid twitch going on this week. I’m not kidding.

TFKoP:
Now there’s an idea. You can wear pretty much whatever you want to jury selection. Any kind of bold statement on a t-shirt might help. Especially an awful one. Like this.
patty
September 21st, 2006 - 09:12

LMAO
Being a medically retired police officer helps too.
BeckEye
September 22nd, 2006 - 11:27

I’ve gotten the dreaded “selection letter” twice but I was never actually needed for jury duty. I think a lot of people get excited when they hear they’re going to be on the jury of a criminal case. It’s all CSI and Law and Order’s fault. People think it’s going to be cool and sexy. They must never have watched a trial on Court TV. It’s more like Bueller….Bueller…Bueller…for hours on end.
trouble
September 22nd, 2006 - 14:32

I have actually ignored the selection letter once. I wonder what happens. Nothing, so far.
trav
September 23rd, 2006 - 13:49

they called me in for jury duty one time in punta gorda… i wish i had a camera for this… they questioned the potential jurors one by one in front of the court… one guy could barely breathe and was carrying around three bottles of oxygen… another guy questioned was a former member of the cia and could not discribe to the court what exactly he did citing national security… the rest were miss marple wannabes… i thankfully was not picked