Your Momma’s so Fat – She Cries Herself to Sleep at Night

29Sep/0620

Your Momma’s so Fat – She Cries Herself to Sleep at Night

In honor of the final installment of Friday Night Flip Off over at MacBros' place, we here at The Churning are beginning a new series: Fuck Off Fridays.

See, Ev and I instant message each other periodically and the conversation nearly always turns to pure hatred in the form of harsh insults. We've decided to post these IM conversations in their entirety. We'll post them on Fridays whenever we fucking feel like it. So it may happen as often as once a week - or as infrequently as once a year. Deal with it.

Ev: Have you seen Grandma's Boy yet?
JJ: not yet
JJ: it's on my netflix list
Ev: I hate you so much that when I bleed there are little j's in my blood.
JJ: i hate you so much that i burn you in effigy each night before bed
Ev: I hate you so much that I once hired a guy who looked like you to commit suicide.
JJ: i hate you so much that i killed a man in prison just because he was wearing glasses that looked like yours
Ev: I hate you so much that I once pissed on JJ walker, because you share the same moniker
JJ: i hate you so much that your face reminds me of my own feces
Ev: I hate you so much, I slept with your wife. And she gave me a highfive!
JJ: you're hung like an acorn
Ev: You're not even a man.
JJ: your chest hair is in the shape of a giant cock
Ev: You constantly smell like of cheap male-whores and virginia slims.
JJ: you shaved your asshole and glued the hair to your chin
JJ: "soul patch" indeed
Ev: You once ate an entire horse cock and asked for seconds.
JJ: you drive like my grandmother
Ev: You ARE your own grandmother!
JJ: your momma's so fat - she cries herself to sleep at night out of shame
Ev: You once shoved a penis into your anus with such force that you broke the sound barrier.
JJ: your breath smells like cock
Ev: You once waited outside your boyfriend's house for 3 hours in the rain, holding a boombox over your head.
JJ: you have sex dreams about bea arthur
Ev: You once had a three way with Charlie Izuzu and Ted Danson.
JJ: you use your vacation time to sit at home alone for two weeks crying, watching soap operas, and eating ice cream
Ev: You once excitedly went to a rock show, because you misread the flyer (you also can't read) and thought it said "Cock show"
JJ: the smell of farts makes you cream in your jeans
Ev: You still say sayings like "cream your jeans"
JJ: you still love to jerk off three times a day
Ev: You once called your dad and had phone sex with him.
JJ: dammit
Ev: I just lowered the boom on you, good sir.
JJ: no shit
JJ: fuck

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Sycka
September 29th, 2006 - 01:28

Hey JJ!
It’s me, Sicka13, from sickgirl13.net…hahahahha, I’m back on track, delete that old link? I’m no longer active on that domain…
Well, thank youuuuuuu for linking me again!
Ev
September 29th, 2006 - 06:08

Sometimes, I think our little contests are some of the deepest thinking since Plato.
JJ
September 29th, 2006 - 06:56

Sycka:
Funny! I didn’t realize that was your site. Rock on!

Ev:
Sometimes I think you’re half-retarded.
mel
September 29th, 2006 - 07:33

That’s much funnier than the 40 year old virgin “You know how i know you’re gay” thing.
The Finest Kind of Pork
September 29th, 2006 - 10:26

You’re momma’s so loose she has to wear suspenders with her tampons.

Your momma does deep-knee-bends on fire hydrants.

This is fun!!!

–TKFoP
trouble
September 29th, 2006 - 16:00

Massive poonage of the JJ. Nicely done, evster.
MacBros
September 30th, 2006 - 11:35

ROFLAO! That was good. Look forward to seeing more.
Kevin Kubusheskie
September 30th, 2006 - 19:35

Ev is half-retarded? Cool, something else that he and I have in common.
KristynMarie
September 30th, 2006 - 21:12

I agree with Mel, it was much funnier than ’40 year old virgin,’ though I couldn’t help picturing those two guys while reading it. Now y’all eternally look like Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen in my head.

Kristyn
Ev
September 30th, 2006 - 21:16

It’s true, Kev. *shakes head in shame* I’m a ‘tard.
JJ
September 30th, 2006 - 21:56

mel:
Seriously? I don’t know. I watched the extended version of that scene on the DVD extras and laughed so hard my colon fell out of my ass.

The Finest Kind of Pork:
Silly goose. Suspenders wouldn’t help keep a tampon in place. Maybe duct tape or something. Suspenders would be more helpful with pads.

trouble:
Great. Just what Ev needs, a bigger ego.

MacBros:
Hell yes! Ev and I hate each other so much, it’ll be easy to keep this series going.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Yeah, but you were the inspiration. And I also remember telling you, “You’re like Rain Man except you’re not good at anything.”

KristynMarie:
Ev’s definitely the Seth Rogen type. I’m actually more like a younger skinnier Gary Busey – only I’m not batshit insane.

Ev:
You’re retardulous.
Diane
October 1st, 2006 - 10:45

Someone needs to do the “feminine” version of this- MEL? LMAO
Ev
October 2nd, 2006 - 12:18

The feminine version would just leave me out of it. JJ’s plenty of woman for you, Diane.
Diane
October 2nd, 2006 - 17:42

LMAO! Low down dirty and mean. (Allman Bros. version)
KristynMarie
October 2nd, 2006 - 23:36

Coulda fooled me, JJ!
shirley
October 2nd, 2006 - 23:56

Damn… now my computer smells like cock!
Ev
October 3rd, 2006 - 09:17

Squirrely, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
shirley
October 5th, 2006 - 01:26

My computer sure seems to like it. Slut!
trouble
October 13th, 2006 - 12:53

You really need to do another one of these…
mojotek
October 13th, 2006 - 15:45

“Ev: I just lowered the boom on you, good sir.
JJ: no shit
JJ: fuck”

Maybe I should pay Ev to mentor me in the art of lowering the boom.