In honor of the final installment of Friday Night Flip Off over at MacBros’ place, we here at The Churning are beginning a new series: Fuck Off Fridays.

See, Ev and I instant message each other periodically and the conversation nearly always turns to pure hatred in the form of harsh insults. We’ve decided to post these IM conversations in their entirety. We’ll post them on Fridays whenever we fucking feel like it. So it may happen as often as once a week - or as infrequently as once a year. Deal with it.

Ev: Have you seen Grandma’s Boy yet?
JJ: not yet
JJ: it’s on my netflix list
Ev: I hate you so much that when I bleed there are little j’s in my blood.
JJ: i hate you so much that i burn you in effigy each night before bed
Ev: I hate you so much that I once hired a guy who looked like you to commit suicide.
JJ: i hate you so much that i killed a man in prison just because he was wearing glasses that looked like yours
Ev: I hate you so much that I once pissed on JJ walker, because you share the same moniker
JJ: i hate you so much that your face reminds me of my own feces
Ev: I hate you so much, I slept with your wife. And she gave me a highfive!
JJ: you’re hung like an acorn
Ev: You’re not even a man.
JJ: your chest hair is in the shape of a giant cock
Ev: You constantly smell like of cheap male-whores and virginia slims.
JJ: you shaved your asshole and glued the hair to your chin
JJ: “soul patch” indeed
Ev: You once ate an entire horse cock and asked for seconds.
JJ: you drive like my grandmother
Ev: You ARE your own grandmother!
JJ: your momma’s so fat - she cries herself to sleep at night out of shame
Ev: You once shoved a penis into your anus with such force that you broke the sound barrier.
JJ: your breath smells like cock
Ev: You once waited outside your boyfriend’s house for 3 hours in the rain, holding a boombox over your head.
JJ: you have sex dreams about bea arthur
Ev: You once had a three way with Charlie Izuzu and Ted Danson.
JJ: you use your vacation time to sit at home alone for two weeks crying, watching soap operas, and eating ice cream
Ev: You once excitedly went to a rock show, because you misread the flyer (you also can’t read) and thought it said “Cock show”
JJ: the smell of farts makes you cream in your jeans
Ev: You still say sayings like “cream your jeans”
JJ: you still love to jerk off three times a day
Ev: You once called your dad and had phone sex with him.
JJ: dammit
Ev: I just lowered the boom on you, good sir.
JJ: no shit
JJ: fuck

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