britney spearsLooks like Britney Spears’ houseboy is back on the job market. K-Fed’s career as Britney’s sperm donor is over. This news must have been a huge shock to the world’s worst rapper. I mean, Britney’s a multi-millionaire who has lost a little weight and is hot again, and he’s a sloppily-dressed former back-up dancer with no potential in his chosen career as a bad-boy rapper. Seems like a match made in heaven!

Nope. Fuck that. You’re doing the right thing Britney. Just don’t go looking to get hitched again anytime soon. You need to enjoy this time as a young single gal. Here’s a list of fun and interesting things you can do to occupy your time now that you’re free from your latchkey retard:

  • Hire a full time live in nanny. You won’t have time for kids if you follow the rest of my list.
  • Pose for Playboy. Or even better, Hustler. We’ve been waiting a long time, miss.
  • Fuck dudes. A lot of them. But use condoms, dummy. You’ve got enough kids.
  • Fuck girls. A lot of them. If there’s anything that’ll help you get your mind off of the divorce proceedings, it’s a good muff-dive.
  • Start a designer drug habit. Coke is back in style, and meth is still cool. Or even better, find a good doctor with questionable principles who can get you some really good shit. Oxycontin isn’t just for trailer trash anymore (and you’re sorta trashy anyway).
  • Smoke weed. The young Hollywood studs who drive a Prius will really dig it. You might even have a chance to smoke a bowl with DiCaprio and then go down on him.

I’m sure there are plenty of other things you can think of on your own. Just make sure to enjoy this period of your life, because it won’t last long. In Hollywood years, you’re nearly over the hill. So live it up.

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