I know you all think JJ’s hot shit, now that his band is taking off. I know this, and yet I can feel your doubt.

“Ev”, you slyly poke, “Can’t you rock?”

Normally, this would be the point that I trot out my old bass, dust it off and play “Mary had a fucking little fucking lamb, you fucks” (I wrote it). You would point and laugh, and I would say something like “Well I’m just learning” and then you would feel bad for hurting my feelings; when clearly I thought I rocked the fuck out. (Really? It’s like listening to 4 year old bang on a pot or pan. And thus, I would be stricken from the Halls of Rock forever.

But all that has changed.

Yes, it’s true. I broke down (after hearing X-Play’s review of the game a 5 out of 5, unheard of!) and bought Guitar Hero 2 and the Guitar Controller. Having never played the original game, and with a pocket full of shame; I started the game.

Let me break all review style on your ass right now!

Firstly, you open the box and there is this mini-guitar with 5 fretboard notes, a strum “bar” and a “whammy bar”. It even comes with custom decals (read: stickers. I love you Rainbow Brite!) to “pimp your axe”. The PS2 version plugs right into the controller slot, so no worries, you just plug tab a into slot b. (That’s what she said, HEYO!)

You’ve got training, career mode, quick play and co-op. And that’s as far as we’re getting with this review styled shit.

It’s anecdotal time, kids. Break out the firehose! In my heart, I want to rock your socks. Now, now, don’t throw your panties just yet. (looking at you, Mojotek and you, Shirley)

One of my favorite songs, of all time, is Danzig’s “Mother”. It just happened to be on the fucking awesome Guitar Hero 2 set list. So, I rock this song out and I’m doing a fiersome thrashing riff, when my wife starts chuckling and giggling. I, clearly vexed with Rockthefuckoutitis, only notice when the song is done (and I widdlywah on the whammy bar). Glistening with rocksweat, I ask her “What’s so funny?”. She replies mid-laugh and says “You’re really into that game, huh?” I had done it. I had become the ultimate loser. I was thrashing out on my fucking playstation videogame.

The game is great, great enough to make cynical, snobby, negative-nancy, Ev actually have a good time and enjoy himself. If it can do that for me, imagine the tasty licks and wicked sweet time you could have.

Also? My left hand hurts worse than that time I watched 87 hours of porno straight.