Masturbation Euphemisms: Jilling, Rubbing One Out, Spanking the Monkey, etc.
January 4th, 2007 by JJ
Remember way back in the day when The Churning would collect super awesome lists of euphemisms for sex terms? You goddamn better remember. One of our classic lists still gets search engine hits on a daily basis, so I figured I’d bring it back and see if you guys can come up with any more additions. Todays topic is: Euphemisms for Masturbating (Male or Female Masturbation).
- A date with Palmela Handerson
- Acting out the grapes of wrath
- Backing your fist
- Bang yourself
- Beat the beaver
- Beating my meat
- Beating the bishop
- Bop the bologna
- Choking the chicken
- Clap your clit
- Clean the bean
- Clicking the mouse
- Dating Hannie Palmer
- Diddle my skittle
- Diddling
- Donald trump firing his apprentice
- Double clicking the mouse
- Fiction friction
- Fire off some knuckle-children
- Five finger shuffle
- Flickin’ the kitten
- Flicking the bean
- Flog the dolphin
- Fucking yourself
- Getting trigger happy
- Going fishing with the man in the boat
- Going to the palm prom
- Greasin’ the gash
- Hand to gland combat
- Having a knee trembler
- Hit the slit
- Hitchhike To The Sky
- Holding your sausage hostage
- Indiana Jones finding a sweet dig
- Jacking off
- Jerkin the gerkin
- Jerking off
- Jibber jab
- Jilling off
- Let the beaver swim
- Lubing the tube
- Making it snow
- Making my girl happy
- Making stomach pancakes
- Milking the cow
- One handed baseball
- Painting the ceiling
- Pet the poodle
- Petting the kitty
- Playing air guitar naked
- Playing pocket pool
- Playing tug of war with the cyclops
- Pole dancing
- Polishing the pearl
- Pumping the keg
- Revving the engine
- Roughing up the suspect
- Rub the nub
- Rubbing one out
- Rubbing Rob Reiner
- Ruin your eyesight
- Scrach and sniff
- Scraping off the scabs
- Scratch n’ sniff
- Shake and steak
- Shuffle your Ipod
- Slam the clam
- Slapping the salami
- Slicking Willie
- Spanking the monkey
- Spinnin’ a record
- Squishing the squidgie
- Stroking it
- Stroking the one-eyed snake
- Taking care of my business
- Tapping the wookie on the head
- Thinking of your mom
- Tick the taco
- Tickle your pickle
- Turning Japanese
- Two-finger tango
- Visit from the five-fingered aunty
- Visiting Rosy Palms and her five sisters
- Walking the dog
- Wax on, whack off
- Whippin off a batch
- Wrestling the one eyed monster
RSS
wrestling the one eyed monster
Spit Shining.
That’s quite the fancy list. Here I usually just say, “hmm, I think I’m going to go masturbate now.”
rubbing rob reiner?? ROFL.
‘visit from the five-fingered aunty’ and variations of is an indian version..
“Whippin off a batch” has always been a good one.
Having a knee trembler?
squishing the squidgie?
thinking of your mom!
“Hand to hand combat” and “Roughing up the suspect” are fucking hilarious! Made me laugh out loud.
And I’ll be damned if I can’t think of any that aren’t on the list.
Scraping off the Scabs?
Thanks for adding to the list! Keep ‘em coming (literally).
I think I have another one com………
Aw shit!
you forgot about the man in the boat!
Ahhh… check out #19. I think I combined two suggestions for that one.
you forgot tickle your pickle
“rub the nub” “clean the bean” and “flickin’ the kitten” seem to be missing.
a date with Palmela Handerson
Slicking Willie
Pole Dancing
acting out the grapes of wrath
pumping the keg
jibber jab, five fingure shuffel, reving the engine, milking the cow, scrach and sniff (sorry)
you guys forgot about “beating my meat, stroking the one-eyed snake and just plain jerking off” lol
Excellent. Gold star for all.
u forgot one handed baseball, painting the ceiling, making it snow lol
The hardest I’ve EVER laughed was when I read, “making stomach pancakes” somewhere.
Flog the dolphin is one of the best I have heard!
What happened to the classic jacking off?
in jamaica we say “backin ur fist” (sorry native slang) and dating “hannie palmer” (*Annie Palmer* famous native witch legend)
Thanks! I’ve updated the list.
pick the mushroom/pick the purple-headed mushroom/pick the purple-headed yogurt slinging mushroom.
Going off for a swim with seaman Stains
p.s. Whats with the guy above this comment? Likes pickin his mushrooms…
smack the macquac (a friend shared this after visiting a tourist site overrun with Macquac monkeys.)
[…] Check it out! While looking through the blogosphere we stumbled on an interesting post today.Here’s a quick excerptsmack the macquac (a friend shared this after visiting a tourist site overrun with Macquac monkeys.) […]
Going to sleep
Here are a few that my Aunt Bertha taught me: Stroking the blood sausage, whacking your meat, waxing the monkey, and exercising your baby maker. When I whack off, I can usually hit a tin can on a fence 10 feet away. Can anyone top that?
TO Emptyhandler: I can usually knock down your fence!
Hey, Big Johnny, if I came around the corner and caught you stroking your pole trying to knock down my fence, I would lunge at you with hedgeclippers…. before you could scream, “NOOOO!”, I would snip your boner off with one move! I would then leave you there, screaming your fool head off, holding your piece of meat, and wondering if you stroke it, will it come to life… it won’t…. you might as well swallow it…
Make love to my best friend…
i say “going for sum hand luv” my mates say “feeding the children” WTF?
How about: Taking Captain Picard to warp speed.
kidnomo: “make love to my best friend”. Absolutely. The great band Jellyfish actually recorded a fabulous ode to this definition on their “Spilt Milk” CD. It includes many other euphemisms as well (”palm sunday”, “wrapped around your fingers”, “my hand’s a five leaf clover”, “stroke of genius”, “let down your curls”). Check out “He’s My Best Friend” (find a clip on Amazon>Music>Jellyfish>Spilt Milk; complete lyrics at http://www.lyricsdir.com/jellyfish-hes-my-best-friend-lyrics.html )
How about the offensive but funny “Warming up the alter boys lunch”
mixing the baby batter
Glazing a knuckle, Morning wood harvest…LOL