Is it unethical to look through your significant other’s internet browser history or is it perfectly acceptable?

Related post:
Why do guys like porn?

Who knew the first 20 would be so easy?!

What am I doing?

-green tea extract

-water only for liquid. lots of it. (occasional beer, c’mon man. but a lot less of it)

-30 minutes running and walking daily

-30 minutes yoga daily

-organic food diet (thank you Amy whoever you are)

 The beer thing always fucks with my fluctuation (two pounds here and there), but the scary thing is that I like this diet and still enjoy eating. 175 is just around the corner.

 Hooray for me!!!

Run to Iron Maiden albums!!!

-Jim

So, a certain family member of mine has recently come up with a realization - he no longer feels it necessary or right for a man to hold a door open for another man. He has no problem holding it for a lady, but if he sees a man coming up behind him, he makes sure to let it swing. Also, if a man is standing at the door holding it for him, he politely declines.

Now, I don’t know how to feel about this. I think I at least got to him with the issue that a swinging door is even worse than a closed door. He makes sure to slam it entirely so nobody is burdened with stopping a swinging door.

He also expressed that he wished to start a movement of this behavior, but he doesn’t see anyone following suit - they’ve actually tried to get him to accept their door-holding offer.

I think it’s crazy. Am I the only one? I mean, it totally makes my day when a random stranger holds the door for me and I think it’s rude when I’m right behind and they don’t hold it behind them for me to at least grab it. BUT I’m a female so I can’t entirely see that side of the issue. Why do I even care? I’m like obsessing over it. Help me out here.

Edit: I forgot to mention. Here are some anti-Chuck Norris arguments which really cause one to question his strength.

You know, it would be cliche of me to write about this Va Tech shooting stuff.  And typically, It would be rather chafing to involve myself in whatever “tragedy” has befallen the local media.  But since I DO live in VA, I guess this is the one time I should say something.

So, some Korean kid went nutso and shot up a bunch of people at his college.  And awile ago, the same thing happened in Canada.  The media jumps on it, looking for a reason or a motive, and most normal folk are concerned about it for about 5 minutes then on to the next grocery list of growing problems we have facing our culture and country.

Here’s a perfect example of how crazy I feel when this kind of stuff happens and people try to talk about it with me:

Mom: Did you hear about this shooting thing in at Tech?

Me: Yeah.

Mom: It’s terrible.  What kind of sicko kills innocent people?

Me: Well, do you want a real answer or an answer that will make you feel better?

Mom: A real answer (Aren’t I the “child” in this situation?WTF?!?!!?)

Me: Well, the fact is mom, everyone is dangerous.  Every person you pass on the street is about 1 step away from losing it.  Why?  Because our world is full of terrible and horrible things.  And some people aren’t strong enough to face down the world and come out sane.

Mom: Why doesn’t it stop?

Me: Because the media pundits and “experts” tell us to blame it on T.V, Movies, Rap Music and Video games.  Because bullying is accepted and rewarded in our culture.  Because might makes right and eventually the little guy gets tired of taking shit and he decides that instead of living a life full of shit, he’s going to excute himself.  But since he’s probably a coward (most people are) he needs a reason to off himself.  So he starts killing the people he thinks either did him wrong or are getting a better deal than him.  It’s rather mundane and normal when you think about it.

Mom: Well, someone like that should just hurt themselves and not others.  God wouldn’t want that.

Me: Well, I guess it’s too bad that what we want things to be like and what they are; are two different things.

Mom: How can someone do that?

Me: I could have done it.  I mean, jesus remember when I tried to run those two assholes over in high school?  I just wasn’t weak.  And while I hate my fellow man, I hate him for reasons that are beyond the petty “you made me feel bad” type of feelings. 

Mom: Oh.

And the thing about this, is that this guy who killed people was probably a decent guy who broke.  We wonder why this happens like we don’t think about strangling someone daily.  Violence is a part of our DNA.  That doesn’t stop me from thinking he was a selfish, and weak prick.  It’s easy to sink to the level of those who have hurt you.  True strength comes from seeing their bullshit for what it is and deciding it’s just not for you. 

Or maybe it’s just proof we’re all fucked and the end is near.

Okay girls… Here’s a little unsolicited advice for you.

When you’re dating a guy and he comes over to your place for the first time, he will look in your medicine cabinet. I realize that may sound like bad news, but there’s no need to worry. Sure, he’s looking to see if you have any dirty secrets, and yes he’s snooping. But that doesn’t make him any more of an asshole than any other guy. All guys do it.

The trick is to prepare for this event and use it to your advantage. Clean out the medicine cabinet before he has a chance to snoop. Clear out all the nasty shit and leave the items he might find enticing. Here’s a list of items you may want to hide, and others you’ll want to flaunt.

Bad:

• Antipsychotics/antidepressants, etc
  A first date is not the best time to let a guy into your brain. Your problems are your business until you want to share this info. Take your meds, try not to act psycho, and hide the pills somewhere else.
• Wart remover
  Seems pretty innocent, right? Nope. No dude wants a handjob from a girl whose palms look like the surface of the moon.
• Yeast infection medication
  I know this happens from time to time, but you don’t want your new fella to think you might be baking a loaf down there.
• Hemorrhoid cream
  No guy wants to be surprised by a swollen vein poking out of your asshole. If you had a problem and took care of it, then it’s time to put away the Preparation-H.

Good:

• Bikini cream
  Even if you use a razor to keep your cooch in order, keep some Nair bikini cream in the medicine cabinet. A razor doesn’t imply much - only that you shave your legs or whatever. Bikini cream only has one purpose, and he’ll want to take an up-close look to see how well it works.
• Condoms
  Condoms say “This girl likes to fuck and she’s careful about it.”
• Lube
  KY or Astroglide or whatever. This shows the dude that you’re ready for action. Any girl might have condoms “just in case” but a girl only buys lube if she’s really planning to use it.
• Enema kit
  Yeah, you might be thinking that this belongs in the bad category. And the concern is that some guys might not “get it”. But for those in the know - a girl who cleans out her poop chute on a regular basis probably likes to take it up the ass. Either that or she’s just constipated. Dammit, maybe this one belongs in the bad category after all.

Someone arrived at The Churning last week after Googling what do guys think of inverted nipples? (Somehow they ended up at my post about back dimples.)

I had never really thought of it before. In fact, I don’t think I had ever seen an inverted nipple - in person or even a picture. But you know me. I love to give advice and I certainly don’t mind doing a little milk-sack research. Check out my answer to the question and a couple of NSFW pics after the jump…
(more…)

The Churning Loyalists all know I’m completely obsessed with checking my web traffic stats, especially to see where I’m showing up in the search engines. Well, last week someone arrived at The Churning by googling do chicks like giving blowjobs? I guess I should take this opportunity to give a little advice.

See, I suspect women enjoy giving head about as much as men like eating pussy. Some love it, some hate it, and others do it as a kind gesture.

It reminds me of a recent conversation I had with some close friends. We were arguing which is the bigger favor - or rather, which is more unpleasant. The girls in the group all agreed that sucking cock must be worse than munching carpet (not that they’d know - some of the girls never ate a girl out before). They assumed that based on the taste of funky spooge, cocksucking is probably the bigger task.

But my argument is that licking clit always involves lady juice. Knob gobbling, on the other hand, doesn’t always have to end with throat yogurt. A woman can stop early, using it as a precursor to other activities.

So now I ask you all to chime in…

We have two questions to address. And remember, this is all in the name of friendly advice for random web surfers:

1. Do women like giving blowjobs?
2. Which is more of a favor - sucking cock or eating pussy?

Recently, my good friend Lil’ Nell decided that she wants to learn to play guitar. The first step, of course is to borrow or buy an entry level instrument. But that in itself is a challenge because she doesn’t have experience playing. So deciding on a guitar will take some research. She emailed me for assistance - here’s our conversation:

Lil’ Nell:
Seeing as how I have no idea what is good and bad in the guitar world and don’t want to spend all of my pocket change on it, can you offer some advice? What’s your opinion of the Silvertone SD ? No rush…

I also have been looking on craigslist and saw a Harmony with case for $100.

JJ:
Harmony and Silvertone are typically been manufactured for department stores, especially the beginner models - so it’s kind of like buying a Sears brand guitar. In other words - they’re crap. (Though if you could find an old 1930’s model, that would be worth tons of cash.)

Beginners need quality guitars or else they’ll get frustrated and quit. By that I mean, a skilled player can make a crappy guitar sound decent through certain finger and picking techniques - a beginner may simply get fed up.

That being said, you can get a really decent beginner level guitar for a pretty good price ($100-200) at a guitar shop instead of a department store. I simply wouldn’t recommend a “generic” type brand. Of course, you could find a decent guitar on Craigslist or at a pawn shop, but without experience it might be hard to determine whether you’ve found a fair deal.

Keep an eye out for Epiphone, Ibanez, or Squier (maybe even low-end Fender models). Those are three brands that are manufactured by major guitar companies, but they’re made overseas so they’re cheaper than the top of the line stuff.

Check out these deals:
Ibanez IJV50 JamPack ~$100

Epiphone DR-100 ~$100

And this is the acoustic my nephew Kevin started with:
Epiphone PR-150~$130

Lil’ Nell:
JJ, Thank you! I really like the Epiphone sunburst. But the Ibanez Jam Pack seems like such a good deal since I have none of the accessories. I was also reading the costumer reviews and most say buy new strings. If I buy the guitar I imagine I would need a bag or stand, picks and…?

I also was noticed the acoustic you have sitting out now; it’s a lot thinner than the other guitar. Is that because it is acoustic/electric?

JJ:
Yeah, that other acoustic I have is an acoustic/electric (and those do tend to be thinner, but not always).

That Jam Pack is definitely a good deal, and the guitar is probably pretty decent quality. The Jam Pack would include everything you need… but if you decide on a guitar without the accessories kit, here’s what else you might need:

Tuner (definitely):
Korg Tuner ~$15
or
Fender Tuner ~$18

Picks (definitely):
Dunlop Tortex Guitar Picks ~$3
This is a very popular brand. They’re the ones I use. For acoustic, I’d recommend thicker picks - like .88mm or 1.0mm

New strings (definitely):
Martin MSP4100 Bronze Light ~$6
There are like 200 brands of bronze or steel acoustic strings. I’d just go with what’s popular. And this particular set is “light” meaning they’ll be a bit easier on the fingers.

Gig bag (probably):
Road Runner Gig Bag ~$30
I’d only buy one if you plan to leave your house with your guitar (which it sounds like you will if you intend to take lessons).

Stand (maybe):
Ace Guitar Stand ~$10
You probably won’t need a stand. You could just leave your guitar in the gig bag or lean it against a wall or chair.

Strap (maybe):
Performance Plus Strap ~$3
You’ll need a strap if you plan to stand while playing. So it might be fun to have one, but not necessary. You could always practice while sitting.

Lil’ Nell:
How much of my decision should be based on look vs. sound?

JJ:
It’s a good idea to pick one that you think looks cool. If you choose a decent brand with good reviews, it’ll sound fine. You want to make sure you actually like the guitar, so you’ll be more interested in picking it up and practicing.

Lil’ Nell:
I also found this at Guitar Center. But I’m not sure about the tuner that’s included.

Epiphone PR-150 Player Pack ~$150

And this one… I know I don’t need an acoustic/electric, I just like the shape:
Ibanez IJAE5BK JamPack ~$200

JJ:
I wouldn’t rule out an acoustic/electric. That Ibanez guitar looks awesome. And I bet it sounds great (based on the reviews). Plus it includes an amp – so you can get a cool blues/rock sound. And of course, you don’t have to plug it in if you just want to play acoustic. Nice find.

If you’re considering acoustic/electric, take a look at this one too. Fender makes quality guitars and this one looks unique:
Fender DGA-1 Guitar Pak ~$240

For advice on sex, drugs, music, movies, alcohol, blogging or anything else I dig, shoot me an email at thechurning_AT_gmail_DOT_com. I’ll either help out or just make fun of you. Either way, I’ll post a link to your website (if you have one).

Ok, I’m actually going to write a post for The Churn-stile.

(Calm down, just breathe. JJ will probably post tomorrow, and I’ll go back to making weird cartoons. It’s ok. I’m ok. You’re ok. Actually, fuck that. I. AM. NOT. OK. And you fucking aren’t either. Doesn’t honesty feel better?)

So I’m talking to this friend of mine (and yeah dude, it’s gonna be vague, because I don’t know if his/her significant other reads this site.), and I get told that he/she (henceforth known as Dana) is thinking about having an affair with a coworker.

Now, you guys know me, I’m married. My wife was married once before as well. To a guy who cheated on her like there was no tomorrow. So, naturally she has a skewed view, in regards to “cheating bastard cockpricks”[sic]. And like Jules tells Brad, that pretty much means I’m required to subscribe to the exact same doctrine.

But, seeing Dana so excited, yet miserable and torn has made concrete a theory that I’ve been working on.

• Guys cheat because they truly and completely think with their dicks.

• Gals cheat because their significant other simply doesn’t communicate with them. Or doesn’t go carpet diving. You know, either one.

*Note: You’ll notice that these are vague, broad generalizations about human nature and I’m basing it on absolutely no proof. Hey!, if it’s good enough for Dubbyah then it’s good enough for me.*

So, Dana is torn about cheating, and yet still plans to do it. And the following conversation happens:

Dana: So, does this make me a bad person?

Me: I don’t know…jeez…I hate to say it, but I think so. I mean, jesus, you’re married.

Dana: Yeah, and I love (SUSIE/JOHN), but lately things have been so difficult. We hardly talk, and God, I can’t remember the last time we (George W. Bush Whisper Style) liberated our sexual freedoms (/George W. Bush Whisper Style).

Me: But don’t you owe it to (SUSIE/JOHN) to be honest? I mean, what if (SUSIE/JOHN) is having an affair. How are you going to feel if that’s the case?

Dana: Well, that’s different. I don’t think I can forgive that.

Me: Are you fucking retarded? You expect to be forgiven for what you’re going to do, and yet admit that you wouldn’t forgive (SUSIE/JOHN)?

Dana: I mean, yeah, that’s what I’m saying, I guess. Why are you so hostile, aetheist?

Me: Excuse me? What does aetheism have to do with fucking around on your spouse?

Dana: Well, I mean, Marriage is only a religious thing, right? So why do you give a fuck?

Me: ……

Dana: What?!?

Me: You’ve got to be fucking kidding. You’re using aetheism to validate your need to “bus’ a nut”[sic] and at the same time negate any responsiblity for your actions?

Dana: Well, yeah. I mean, seriously, we’re not meant to be monogamous. I’m just lonely, you know? I want to feel that connection.

Me: No you’re not. You’re bored. And you want some excitement. Do what I do, download some porn, get out the lube and rub one out. Then, tell me if you still want to cheat.

Dana: That’s not going to fix the problem.

Me: Well, yeah, considering your problem is your marriage.

Dana: What?!!?!?!

Me: Look, if you’re that hard up for a lay that you’re going to cheat; with a coworker, no less, then you need to go home and talk to your spouse. Because obviously things are seriously wrong.

Dana: You’ve never lusted after someone else?

Me: Oh, no, I’m not saying that. I lust after chicks all the time. Hell, at any given moment on any given day, I’m probably lusting after some chick. I mean, raw dog hardcore degrading shit, you know? But then this weird thing happens in my head, I have an entire relationship with that chick inside of 5 minutes, and you know what?

Dana: What?

Me: At the end of the day, my wife treats me better than any of them would. Look, if you can honestly tell me you don’t love or respect (SUSIE/JOHN) then do it. Fuck who you want, when you want. But if you can’t tell me that, you owe it to them to either: A) Fix things at home or B) GET A FUCKING DIVORCE.

Dana: Whatever. I don’t even know why I talked to you about this. You’re such a dick.

Me: You’re just mad that I’m an aethiest (that’s an entirely different argument) and I happen to be right about fucking everything. And the worst part? You feel guilty because you don’t have the stones to face up to what you want or want to do.

Dana: ….

Me: *sigh*Fine. You are right. Cheating is fine. I suppose that’s why it’s called ‘Cheating’. Do what you will, who am I to judge?

So, in the end, I guess Dana’s friendship is more important to me than Dana’s marriage. Sorry, Dana’s spouse. My bad.

To me, the thing that is revolutionary about this is that I called Dana out. Not only did I say what I honestly thought was right, but what I really felt. And that kind of honesty, amidst all this Cloak and Dagger Co-Worker Fucking, gave me a chubby.

Recently someone arrived at The Churning after searching for the phrase why does my boyfriend look at porn.  That’s a silly question.   You can’t ask the internet why your boyfriend looks at porn.  You gotta ask your boyfriend.  For all I know, he’s got a fetish for watching women give blowjobs to albino horses.

Still, I want to provide a service to our dear readers.  So I’m going to once again ask for help from The Churning Loyalists.  Today, we’re going to create a list: reasons guys look at porn.  I’ll start things off.  Leave a comment with your suggestions.

1. Online porn is free (if you know where to look).
2. Guys like to sport wood.  Porn can make that happen anytime.
3. Porn chicks do some really fucked up shit and they act like they enjoy it.
4. You can find porn for any fetish.  It’s much more difficult to find an actual real life girl who’s into whatever sick shit you’re into.
5. Women are beautiful.  Naked women are even better.  Naked women fucking are the best.

Checking stats this morning, I noticed that someone in Kingman Arizona had a problem last night. They landed at The Churning after entering the following query at MSN Search:
I’m so horney what can I do

I’m going to address the question. And to make it easier, I’m going to assume it was a dude.

It’s sad really. I mean, you’re sitting there all alone at 10:56pm and that Seinfeld re-run is almost over. Then suddenly Elaine smashes George’s face in her tits. It’s a culmination that’s been building up. It seems like the entire episode all they’ve talked about is Elaine’s nipple slip on her annual Christmas card photo.

So now you’re fucked (well, not literally - that’s the problem). You have a giant throbbing rod struggling to poke its way out of your shorts and no one’s around to help. Sure you could rub one off without even getting up off the couch, but that wouldn’t be much fun. You need to experience something new.

So you do what any tech-savvy perv might do, you search the web for an answer. I wonder what sort of revelation you hoped to find. Maybe you thought you’d discover the phone number of a local prostitute who makes house calls (try Craigslist). Maybe you expected to learn a new way to masturbate (don’t try autoerotic asphyxiation - that’s fucking dangerous). Or perhaps you thought porn would just start spilling out of your computer (try SublimeSearch).

I see your visit to The Churning lasted less than 30 seconds. Whatever you hoped to find, I’m sorry we couldn’t help. I’d hate to think you lost your rod after stumbling across my post about turning 30. Or even worse, I’d hate to think you jerked it while reading that post.

Next time I suggest you narrow down your search a bit. It seems way too vague. Try these searches for better results (depending on your goal):
Anti-erection medication
“How to get rid of an erection”
Masturbation methods
Julia Louis-Dreyfus nipple slip

Hope that helps. Good luck to you and your boner.