“Brunch.” That term sounds so innocent. Yuppies hanging out eating quiche. But no. It’s like a code word for “alcohol with breakfast.”

Sure it starts innocent with a mimosa or two. But before you know it, you’ve downed a couple of screwdrivers followed up with an IPA (because beer tastes fantastic with eggs).

By then it’s well past lunchtime and you’re ready to start thinking ahead to dinner. Maybe a couple more beers, or maybe you even crack open a bottle of wine. And with that kind of buzz going your judgment begins to slip and suddenly whiskey is not entirely out of the question.

Then Monday morning rolls around and you wonder what happened to Sunday.

Brunch can be dangerous. Just sayin’.

Soon after we finished our set yesterday at Obamafest, we sat down for a beer next door at The Fire. A woman approached us wearing a Barack Obama t-shirt with a clipboard in her hand. Actually, I’m not certain she was a woman - she might have been some sort of troll. A bloated, pimply faced, middle-aged troll.

Troll: “You wanna volunteer to support Obama Tuesday at on of the local polling places?”
Me: “No thanks.”
Troll: “Oh I see. I guess you’re not really committed to the cause.”
Me: “Actually, my band just played a few minutes ago at Obamafest.”
Troll: “And that’s where your commitment ends?”
Me: “Yeah, sounds about right.”
Troll: “A lot of people are jumping on the Obama bandwagon because it’s the cool thing to do.”
Me: “Okay….”
Troll: “So you still don’t want to volunteer?”
Me: “Uh… No.”

Now I’m not saying anything against Obama here. But man - where are all the Obama babes I keep hearing about? Instead, I run into the runt of the litter.

About the title of this post… I have no proof whatsoever for that. Shit, he could be hung like an acorn for all I know. I just wanted to get your attention.

And as my brother told me last week, “Obama is the most far left wing liberal candidate out there. No one in their right mind would vote for him.” So - Everyone make sure to vote for Obama. We need a liberal candidate on the ballot in November. Moderates are for sissies.

I need some new material. Mitch Hedberg died three years ago (March 29, 2005) and I’m still quoting his shit. Just the other day, my girlfriend made waffles for breakfast and I couldn’t help telling her that “I like fruit on my waffles so I can have something to brush off.” And of course I explained that “waffles are pancakes with a syrup trap.” I’m a hack.

This “blog” has taken on a life of its own. Like Frankenstein’s monster, it is torturing and pillaging without conscience. I haven’t posted anything here in three weeks, but still this place gets new comments every day. And what are these total strangers commenting on? What important topics have I covered over the past three years that keep drawing in the dregs of society?

Why do guys like porn?
Do women like giving blowjobs?
Masturbation euphemisms
Albino porn doesn’t exist (it really does!)

Obviously the highest of high-brow advice and humor… What have I done? I’ve created a monster!

Check out some of the recent comments. You’ll pinch a loaf in your shorts.

This is a voicemail from Ian, the guy who sings in The Codes:
(more…)

Jimpony submitted this evidence that the apocalypse is upon us: Hot Chicks with Douchebags. The guys in these photos should be put to sleep. Douchebaggery is punishable by death.

Here’s a way to kill a few minutes today while you’re pretending to work…

Yankee/Dixie Quiz

I scored 77% which puts me well into the Dixie range. I reckon I’m a true southerner, y’all.

Enjoy, douchebags.

This is like every conference call I’ve ever been a part of at work, except for the part about licking balls.

Scrabble is fucking fun as balls. But the game can be even more jizz-inducing if you add a little shit to the mix. Here’s how it works: You get an extra ten points for every curse word, racial slur, or drug reference you play.

If you’re playing with a pussy who wants to argue, you might need to flip a coin from time to time. Say you play the word “bang” and you want to get your ten points for your sexual reference - and your opponent says “Fuck that, you piece of shit. That’s not a dirty word.” You can say “Suck it, you cunty cockblock. Let’s flip a coin, goddammit.”

And if you’ve got a raging hard-on and you happen to be in a board game mood, you should try Strip Scrabble. For every 50 points you earn, your opponent has to take off a piece of clothing. Soon you’ll be seeing nips, and you’ll have your ballsack flapping in the breeze.

You can all thank Jimpony for this one. He’s the guy who sent us the link to Buck Truck The Rappin’ Trucker. But while I referred to Buck Truck as pure torture, I flat out love this shit.

It’s a video by Simon Rex, the former MTV VJ and porn star. He’s calling himself Dirt Nasty. If you dig this one, check out his video for “Dropping Names“.

My entire family took LSD on Christmas eve, and drank great wine all night. It was amazing! We also had a sing-a-long which I recorded. Around midnight I gave my Dad his present. It was a topographic map of the area in which he lives. It looked very stylish in his living room. We laughed and had a very silly evening. The sing-a-long sounds really funny, and I think we may have freaked the cats out.

Wow, this is pure torture. Buck Truck is like a hillbilly version of Wesley Willis. I hate it so much that I love it. That does make sense, doesn’t it?

You can thank Jimpony for sending us the link.

I kinda miss DC. Here’s some (punk) music from the nation’s capital. It’ll be up for about three days unless Jason wants to mp3 the stuff…

http://www.sendspace.com/file/llopit

Hain’s Point - Rites of Spring (the birth of emo?)

Attitude - Bad Brains (get out from under dat rock boy!)

I’ve Heard - Dag Nasty (Dave Smalley vocals, Brian Baker wrote all of the lyrics and songs)

Song Number 1 - Fugazi (people jizz over this)

Plain To See - Government Issue (buy their shirts or Staab will own them all!)

Chutes and Ladders - Gray Matter (revolution summer! dude also sang in Three which is good and more poppy)

Anger Means - Ignition (post Faith, Alec Mackeye, Ian’s bro)

Under the Glare - Lunchmeat (from Amanda’s label Sammich. Ian’s sis. pre- Soulside, Girls against Boys)

That Time of Year - Rain (from Gui’s label Peterbilt. reminds me of Three. Eli Janney played drums, Soulside, Girls Against Boys)

Ghost - Swiz (some think monumental, Shawn Brown’s vocals are a little rough for me. pre Dag Nasty vocals, Sweet Belly Freak Down, Jesus Eater)

Hello dearest readers,

I’d like to introduce you to some friends of mine - my taste buds. They have some strong opinions and a skewed perception of the world. For example, they believe the following:

• Rock Star energy drink tastes like bubble gum
• Diet Mountain Dew tastes like blueberries
• Eating a banana while drinking Diet Mountain Dew tastes like Froot Loops
• Beer goes extremely well with scrambled eggs
• The taste of chocolate is overwhelming and unpleasant

Now I am going to go shave off my taste buds with a straight razor to see if things taste different when they grow back. I’ll let you know.

Sincerely,
Your ol’ pal JJ

Dinosaur jr. - your living all over me
Husker du - zen arcade
Black Flag - damaged
The Jam - in the city
The Buzzcock - singles going steady
Minutemen - double nickles on a dime
Ramones - rocket to russia
The Clash - s/t
The Big Boys - lullibies help the brian grow
Devo - freedom of choice

Please, before the wrist slashing begins, listen to these.

but in all seriouslyness, don’t kill yourself.