Clamgina!

I just found out that the original twelve-step program is based on religion. The steps include stupid shit like turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, have God remove all these defects of character, and improve our conscious contact with God. What a pile of horseshit - well at least it’s horseshit for atheists like me.

So I wanted to create my own 12 step program for people who want to quit drinking or shooting up or whatever. But this shit ain’t easy. I’ve only gotten to step five so far and now I have writer’s block. Here’s what I have so far:

Step one: We can have lots of fun
Step two: Theres so much we can do
Step three: It’s just you and me
Step four: I can give you more
Step five: Don’t you know the time has arrived

Okay, that was a long way to go for a stupid gag. Fuck it.

Also - Travis’s roommate wants to know “What’s weirder: gay blacks or gay Asians?”

the feeling that is……..

no need to worry harry potter fans! your next step will be into these shoes!

ps - for people who need to naturally shrink thier penis.

I have an un-cut cock.

I am no biblical follower of Abraham, and to tell you all the truth I’m proud to have an all natural Johnson. I love my foreskin for many reasons and here are my top five:

5. Accidental Zip-up Protection

4. Added characters for my penis puppetry act. (Hungry baby bird, Eiffel tower and so on) puppetryofthepenis.com

3. All of my girlfriends have been really into it. Some loved to play with it, and others have told me it feels better for them.

2. I can store food in the folds. Get a little hungry, pull it back and enjoy!

1. No lube necessary when I’m hanging out with Jack’lin (I’m talking about Jerkin it here)

I know for a fact that there are a few other rad people with retractable dick heads around here so lets hear what you all have to say.

Any neat stories about the uncut cock?

Any Horror stories?

What do the ladies have to say? Do you prefer one over the other?

Watch this. Do it.

Gay is the new Jew. Not 1940’s Germany. More like 1980’s suburbia.

I was thinking that gay might be the new black, but I’m pretty sure black is the new black.

Anyway, it’s completely culturally acceptable to make fun of homosexuals - like doing a faux-effeminate voice for comedic effect or calling a dude gay if he refuses to drink a shot of whiskey. Not so with religion or race. I don’t think you’d get away with calling a guy “jewy” when he leaves a small tip at a restaurant. And you definitely can’t use racial slurs in common conversation. But “gay” - no one seems to complain when that word gets thrown around.

Then again, I guess it’s still okay to accuse a guy of “throwing like a girl” or being a sissy.

I don’t really have a point here. Just an observation.

In the midst of your Memorial Day festivities, please remember what this day is all about. Memorial Day was created as a federal holiday to honor the memory of vodka-filled watermelons, cheap beer, cigarettes, and deviled eggs. Enjoy.

 at the dog track on saturday. awesome guy.

So, a certain family member of mine has recently come up with a realization - he no longer feels it necessary or right for a man to hold a door open for another man. He has no problem holding it for a lady, but if he sees a man coming up behind him, he makes sure to let it swing. Also, if a man is standing at the door holding it for him, he politely declines.

Now, I don’t know how to feel about this. I think I at least got to him with the issue that a swinging door is even worse than a closed door. He makes sure to slam it entirely so nobody is burdened with stopping a swinging door.

He also expressed that he wished to start a movement of this behavior, but he doesn’t see anyone following suit - they’ve actually tried to get him to accept their door-holding offer.

I think it’s crazy. Am I the only one? I mean, it totally makes my day when a random stranger holds the door for me and I think it’s rude when I’m right behind and they don’t hold it behind them for me to at least grab it. BUT I’m a female so I can’t entirely see that side of the issue. Why do I even care? I’m like obsessing over it. Help me out here.

Edit: I forgot to mention. Here are some anti-Chuck Norris arguments which really cause one to question his strength.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6238953685626218421

This is gonna be awesome!! I know I’m getting tackled.

Ian and I are going to start a Bon Jovi cover band and we’re going to get totally weeded before every gig. We’re going to call ourselves Bong Jovi.

(more…)

Sayreville NJ. Me visiting one of our mills.

Our bar tab the night before was 2,500 dollars. For about 30 people. Um, we got fucked up. I felt like utter shit in this picture.

I approve!!!

Randi says I have to write a new post. So here’s my half-assed attempt…

I realize this has been done before, but I think we can do it better. Remember the “What’s grosser than gross” game? Stupid kids would try to out-do each other, trying to come up with the most disgusting thing they could imagine. It usually ended with references to boogers and poop. But we’re all adults here, and we’ve all seen far worse than someone eating a booger. Let’s try to create a solid list of things that are truly gross. I’ll go first. Add to the list in the comments section.

What’s grosser than gross?

• When you’re buttfucking and you notice a bloody anal wart, so you pick it off with your fingernail, put it in your mouth, and chew on it like a broken-off pencil eraser

Okay. Your turn.