Is there a 12-step program for cell phone addiction? Because I’m obsessed with my T-Mobile Dash.

The thing has Windows Mobile, so it syncs with my Outlook email and calendar. I’ve also hooked it up to my 3 active gmail accounts. And this phone has the worst of all evils - Bubble Breaker.

So not only does the thing buzz every time I get a phone call - It also goes off every time I get a personal email, a work email, or a meeting reminder. I carry it everywhere I go. I email from my car. I surf the internet in the elevator. I play Bubble Breaker at band practice.

Even when I’m in a room with other people, I’ve got my face buried in this little screen interacting with the outside world. I’m so connected that I may never have to have a face to face conversation ever again.

(Pic borrowed from Ubergizmo)

Sprint is kissing my pasty white ass and I love it.

A couple of weeks ago, Guy Kawasaki posted a “how to” guide for building positive PR by brown-nosing bloggers. My mind started racing. I want the CEO of a large corporation to wipe my ass, suck the toe jam from my feet, give me a bunch of free shit, and then pay me. I bookmarked Guy’s post and figured I’d come back to it…

Then out of the blue - through sheer coincidence - Sprint came a knockin’!

Hi JJ,

The Sprint Ambassador Team recently visited TheChurning.com and wants to invite you to participate in our Ambassador Program.

The Sprint Ambassador Program is all about exploring our latest products and services and allows you to give direct feedback to Sprint. We recently launched the Sprint Power Vision (SM) Network and want to provide you with the full experience, at no charge. Sprint Power Vision Network enables customers to download data at faster speeds and experience new data products.

So what’s the deal?

As a qualified participant, we will send you one Sprint Power Vision phone and provide you with six months of all-access service (at no charge). You’ll have access to the Sprint Music Store(SM) live TV broadcasts, gaming and more. Yes, you will also have unlimited free calling and data service. It’s a pretty good deal and all we ask for in return is your candid feedback (you decide how much and how often).

We look forward to receiving your registration!

The Sprint Ambassador Team

I thought, “Scam scam, scammy scam scammsters!” But I was wrong. I checked out the Ambassador website, read the terms of service, and Googled it to see if any other bloggers had been roped in. Sure enough, dozens of other bloggers had already signed up.

Sprint decided to use bored, geeky, rambling blog dorks to its advantage. You gotta figure that if you send a tech-nerd a badass cell phone and free service for six months, he’s gonna write about that shit online. Viral marketing, bitches!

So I got my phone. It looks like this:

My first impression: This is way more than just a fucking phone. This thing is an mp3 player, a digital camera, a camcorder, a TV, a web browser, a gaming system… the features are endless.

I’ve already downloaded the Texas Hold ‘Em game, an episode of The Daily Show, some standup comedy, a couple of episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, some CNN clips, a little ESPN action, some Franz Ferdinand mp3’s and a couple of Morrissey songs.

For the next six months of free cell phone bliss, I will not suffer a single moment of boredom. And for that, Sprint, I love you.

I mentioned to my co-workers that My Lady and I saw Brokeback Mountain last night. A couple of people seemed interested, but one lady said, “There’s no way I’d see that movie.”
“Okay…”
“Yeah, I saw Alexander at the theater and I couldn’t believe it! It ruined the movie for me.”

I assume the “it” she referred to is some kind of homosexual love scene, or two dudes kissing, or a gay relationship. I have no idea, I didn’t see Alexander. My guess is she would hate Brokeback.

Seems like most critics have been quick to note that Brokeback is a love story, not a “gay movie.” Honestly I don’t get it. Middle America’s not ready for a love story that happens to involve two dudes. Tell them it’s a gay movie. We don’t want them to be confused. Critics write reviews for the masses. For the rest of us - trust me, this is not what you’d expect from a “gay movie.”

Last night at the theater, most people seemed to know what they were getting themselves into. Even so, there were a few gasps from the audience at certain points. Let me just say, gasping at two dudes kissing is completely moronic. You brought your wife to see the “gay cowboy movie.” What the fuck did you expect? Man up, you pussy.

Just in case you’re undecided about the film based on your own level of potential discomfort, I’ll break it down for you. Here’s what you’ll see:

• Heath Ledger’s ass for a couple of seconds - not in a sex scene
• Non-nude man on man sex. This is obviously the most “shocking scene,” but they’re not naked and the scene fades out after a maybe 30 seconds.
• Two naked dudes jumping into a lake, shot from a distance. If you buy the DVD, pause it, and zoom in, you might see Ledger’s cock.
• Two dudes making out. There are several scenes where Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal swap spit. Maybe five minutes total.
• Gyllenhaal boning Anne Hathaway - and her tits are completely exposed (Yep, the clean-cut girl from the Princess diaries movies).
• Ledger boning Michelle Williams - she’s topless too (uh huh, she’s the hottie from Dawson’s Creek).
• Fistfights. Several of them.
• Drinking. Lots and lots.
• Oh yeah - and Randy Quaid’s in it.

I guess my point is this: To anyone who is sexually self-confident, this is not a “gay movie.” There are more bare funbags in this flick than man asses. The most graphic gay sex scene is short and non-nude. The main characters drink heavily and know how to throw a punch.

Don’t avoid it because you’re freaked out by the whole gay thing. If you want a good excuse to get out of seeing it, just say you’re gay and you’re afraid that seeing Hathaway’s perfect cans might turn you straight.

The tv show “lost” is fucking with my puny mind.
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ok, i like the churnings music links. good shit. (more…)

If you are easily offended by September 11th related art, you may want to skip this entry. If you know someone who died in that horrible attack, or if you witnessed the aftermath, or if you simply have a conscience… you may want to skip this entry.
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(Image from Pitchfork)

We all recognize the picture on the left. (If you don’t, please pretend that you do so as not to upset me.) The picture on the right is new. It’s from a Nike ad campaign - and it’s a load of horseshit.
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The greatest mind of our generation has won himself another 15 minutes of fame. Ken Jennings is back on the Jeopardy stage.
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Update 05/31/05–
Some 19-year-old kid wants to go out on a date with Natalie Portman. Big fucking shock.
–end of update.

Natalie Portman’s got a new look.

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My lady and I ordered take-out last night for dinner. We have this huge pile of menus from local restaurants that deliver. As we scanned through the pile for something that sounded appetizing, my lady noticed this odd slogan on the bottom of a Chinese restaurant menu:
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I recently moved to Philadelphia. I joined a gym for the first time. I quit smoking. And now I’ve done one more thing that is totally new to me.
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My Special Lady and I saw the movie Palindromes last night at the Philly Film Fest. The director, Todd Solondz, was there for a Q&A after the movie. This guy also directed another oddly entertaining movie, Welcome to the Dollhouse.

So Palindromes is pretty artsy. The main character Aviva (her name’s a palindrome) is played by 8 different actresses, including a pre-teen redhead, an overweight African-American woman, and 43-year-old Jennifer Jason Leigh. Strange? Yes.

The audience asked some pretty obvious questions, but one struck me as a little antagonistic. A lady shouted, “So, what’s with your preoccupation with pedophilia?” Solondz stammered and stumbled Woody Allen style as he answered every question, but he stammered a bit more with this one. His answer was something along the lines of, “I wouldn’t say I’m preoccupied. Pedophilia, by definition, is the love of children. I’m not condoning it, but in this case, the child is the aggressor in the relationship. She just wants to be a mom, which also is a palindrome… blah blah blah, etc.”

I was thinking that the question was a little crude. This movie is about a whole lot more than pedophilia. It covers territory like abortion, Jesus freaks, deformity, mental retardation, murder, etc. The director is not obsessed with pedophilia. He’s just interested in bringing taboo topics out into the open. Pedophilia happens to be one of the many taboos in this film. Maybe that lady just wasn’t paying attention.