So, a certain family member of mine has recently come up with a realization - he no longer feels it necessary or right for a man to hold a door open for another man. He has no problem holding it for a lady, but if he sees a man coming up behind him, he makes sure to let it swing. Also, if a man is standing at the door holding it for him, he politely declines.

Now, I don’t know how to feel about this. I think I at least got to him with the issue that a swinging door is even worse than a closed door. He makes sure to slam it entirely so nobody is burdened with stopping a swinging door.

He also expressed that he wished to start a movement of this behavior, but he doesn’t see anyone following suit - they’ve actually tried to get him to accept their door-holding offer.

I think it’s crazy. Am I the only one? I mean, it totally makes my day when a random stranger holds the door for me and I think it’s rude when I’m right behind and they don’t hold it behind them for me to at least grab it. BUT I’m a female so I can’t entirely see that side of the issue. Why do I even care? I’m like obsessing over it. Help me out here.

Edit: I forgot to mention. Here are some anti-Chuck Norris arguments which really cause one to question his strength.

Yes. It’s true. I’m posting again. And it’s gonna be a long one. So grab a snack, roll a j and let’s do this.

Most of the time, I’m a nice guy. But, like everyone else, I have push button topics that set me off. Education is number one. Or the state of education in this country, rather. Apathy in politics is number two. And the third, and probably most important is ….Religion.

You see, I don’t believe in anything. Not because nothing exists, but because I’m pragmatic. You see, I believe that religion existed at one time to guide civilization. And it served that purpose. It gave people dumber than Jessica Simpson and Homer Simpson combined a simple and clear direction on how to live life. Complete with “top 10 rules you should never, ever fucking break - GOD”. Eat that, Letterman.

And so it went that religion was basically a way of using fear (all that wrath and hell fire gives me a nice rubbery one) to afford humanity an opportunity to survive each other and further the human race.

And honestly? That’s something I can get into.

But the problem now, today, lies in the fact that Religion is a crutch. People pray for miracles and for the world to be fixed, instead of trying to fix things themselves and/or getting involved. This isn’t the only problem with religion, I mean, there is all that magic, ghosts and D&D shit. Seriously? Water into wine, plagues of frogs, hail and urine? Where’s the +99 Staff of Jesus? The Ascended Ark of Duplication? Fuck.

Another problem with religion today is the “My morals make me better than you” mentality that certain religious right members are strutting around the country.

Before I said that I’m pragmatic, but in my heart, I’m still an optimist. I keep hoping that something will happen on this planet to make us realize that the things we keep doing to each other are monstrous. That maybe if we really tried to cross boundaries, show how different we are from our ancestors, and really work together as a world race, life would be immensely better. And yet, I know that there cannot be any kind of God, because the irony is that we will never, and can never make that utopian society happen; because we are violent and somewhat evil by nature. That’s why being bad feels so good.

Who’s to say? Tom Cruise could be right, and there could be some Alien SuperGod out there. Right…..And tomorrow I could be crowned King of America, but I’m not polishing my scepter any time soon.

1. An old buddy of mine used to tell me he knew how he would die. He’d get shot in the back by a jealous husband while running naked down the street. Doesn’t seem like such a great way to go, but he figured he could at least say he lived life on the edge - with passion.
2. Momo and I watched the documentary Grizzly Man last night. It’s about a guy who loved bears way too much. He was obsessed. Eventually he took his obsession too far. A pissed off grizzly got tired of his shit and chewed him up. The guy’s friends seem convinced that’s the way he wanted to go out.
3. Don Knotts died Friday. Dude was a legend among comic actors. He checked out after “pulmonary and respiratory complications.”

Death sucks. Most people don’t look forward to it, but it’s inevitable. So if it’s gotta happen, then what’s the best way to go? Would you rather be shot in the back, eaten by a bear, or die from disease at 81?

Or maybe you’ve got a more creative idea…

I’m in Chattanooga, TN visiting my dad and his German girlfriend. Seems like every time I visit my dad, I’m sick with something. Last time it was food poisoning. This time, it’s a stuffy nose and a cough. On the way to his house, we stopped by the CVS so I could pick up some medicine.

But before I could even get out of the car, my dad’s girlfriend, went on a 10-minute tirade about “Vat? Those medicines are so bad! How can you take those? I’ve never taken any medicine in my entire life! And never am sick! And vhy not sniff varm sea salt vater in your nose?” “Uhh….” Just to appease her, I told her I would try medicine first and if that didn’t work go I’d try the old German remedy, which she claimed yoga practicers do every day to prevent sinus infections.

So, I went in, bought the medicine (and was carded!), went home, and drugged myself in hope of feeling better. On a sidenote, it turns out some cold medicine, specifically Sudafed, is sold behind the counter now, because kids are using it to make crystal meth. WTF?!?

After 24 hours of feeling worse, I decided to take the crazy German’s advice. She dissolved sea salt in warm water. I took a spoonful of this medicine, tilted my head back, and let it pour into my nostril and down the back of my throat. Never in my life have a felt so much pain, in fact, I joked that the only reason why it seemed to work was because I could ONLY feel better after that salty mixture came into contact with my already tender nostrils. Three days and 15 nasal attacks later, and I am now a firm believer. I even looked it up online to figure out how it worked.

And the weird thing is that my dad’s girlfriend reminded me of her remedy for my food poisoning incident which kept me in the bathroom quite frequently. Fresh grated apple (it must be grated). It worked like a charm.

Here are a couple of other old German remedies. Don’t ask me how the hell they work, but they do:

1) Got hiccups? Swallow saliva 4-5 times, without breathing. If your baby has hiccups? Put some socks on its feet.
2) Have a headache? Tiger balm on the back of your neck.
3) Feeling achey? Tiger balm where it hurts.
4) Chest congestion? Tiger balm on your chest. (No, I’m not a spokesperson for Tiger Balm.)
5) Diarreah? Grated apple.
6) Your baby has gas? Give him/her fennel tea in place of water. Apple juice is a big no no. As for adults? Sorry, if she figured that one out a long time ago, she would be a happy woman.
7) Got a stomach ache because you ate too much? Chamomile tea.
8) Cramps? Heating pad! My mama taught me this one. Works wonders for tummy aches too. At work: lean up against a warm copy machine. Yeah, my colleauges think I’m a freak, but hey, no more aches and pains!
9) Stung by an insect? Cut and rub a raw onion or potato on the bite. It’ll help with the swelling and the pain.
8) Fungus on your feet? Piss on it, but only the first morning piss. That’s critical.
9) Stye on your eye? Dab a bit of piss on it. Again, morning piss only.

This crazy (yet incredibly amazing) German woman thinks urine is the most versatile medicinal thing out there! In fact, she has a book all about it. Too bad it’s written in German.

An insulting e-mail was forwarded to me from someone I care about. I’m going to attack this e-mail, but keep in mind, I’m addressing the person who wrote it and not the person who forwarded it to me.

This very strange e-mail attempts to prove that Christianity belongs in the US government. It goes a little further, suggesting that Christians make better elected officials. And then it crosses the line entirely, suggesting that Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, etc should “sit down and shut up.”

I have not confirmed the validity of any of the e-mail’s claims, but I assume most are true. However, I do not by any means believe that the “facts” prove Christianity should be mandated - quite the opposite. I say this e-mail proves that some Christians, especially the ones who buy into this shit, are bigoted awful people.

Drum roll please…. here’s the e-mail:

DID YOU KNOW? As you walk up the steps to the building which houses the U.S. Supreme Court you can see near the top of the building a row of the world’s law givers and each one is facing one in the middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view … it is Moses and he is holding the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW? As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door.

DID YOU KNOW? As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall, right above where the Supreme Court judges sit, a display of the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW? There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.

DID YOU KNOW? James Madison, the fourth president, known as “The Father of Our Constitution” made the following statement: “We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God.”

DID YOU KNOW? Patrick Henry, that patriot and Founding Father of our country said: “It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ.”

DID YOU KNOW? Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the taxpayer since 1777.

DID YOU KNOW? Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established orthodox churches in the colonies.

DID YOU KNOW? Thomas Jefferson worried that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting the law would begin making law an oligarchy the rule of few over many.

DID YOU KNOW? The very first Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said: “Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers.”

How, then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 220 years in this country is now suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?

Lets put it around the world and let the world see and remember what this great country was built on. I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I didn’t. Now it is your turn… It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, it is very hard to understand why there is such a mess about having the Ten Commandments on display or “In God We Trust” on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don’t we just tell the other 14% to Sit Down and SHUT UP!!!

If you agree, pass this on, I second that! In God we Trust

For argument’s sake, let’s say these “facts” are accurate. What this tells me:

• This country was founded by a group of white men who believed that a magical ghost created the universe.
• These men were bigots who believed there is one valid religion - and anyone who does not believe in God is not welcome in this country.
• Beyond that, anyone who believes in a different God does not belong here either.
• The founding fathers actually did not support the first Amendment of the US Constitution, which states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”
• Thomas Jefferson must have been an oddball, suggesting there should be a separation of Church and State.
• The United States is not actually a “melting pot” as many have suggested. The “poor huddled masses” are in fact not welcome here… unless they’re Christians.
• Our laws should be based on a set of ten rules that were written down more than three thousand years ago. Because things don’t change over time. Rules like “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image” make perfect sense in 2005.

Okay… back to reality. Here’s my take:

• I do not believe in God.
• Even so, I should feel welcome in my own country.
• Laws written to govern me should not be based on religion.
• I should have the freedom to believe what I want to believe without being told to “sit down and shut up.”

I support the freedom of speech. And as all of you know, I do not “shut up” for anyone. So, to the author of this e-mail, I say “Fuck you.”

A work in progress, while drunk at the bars, this list started over Labor Day weekend when I witnessed my brother and his wife at their wits end with their two newborn babies.
(more…)

sally fields was hot!!!!!!!!!! (more…)

I know I’m getting old when half the bands I see are on a reunion tour. (more…)

let’s list people who you wish never existed. i’ll start (more…)

The churning is an ideology. Some people believe in fate, others believe in karma, some even believe the first woman on Earth was created from a human rib. I believe in science. I believe in aliens. I believe that everything and everyone is connected, due to the simple fact that the atoms and molecules that make up our planet are the same tiny specks that combine together to form you or I.

The churning is a metaphor. It’s a tossing and turning at night. It’s an anger that builds out of apathy. It’s comfortable because it fits.

The churning is haste. Don’t waste too much time in your life agonizing over small decisions. Decide. You know the right choice. Make that choice and understand that it is okay to be wrong sometimes. Own up to it and move on. I am still having tremendous difficulty with this one. It’s not easy.

The churning is beauty. The beauty is knowing that you are okay. You are completely insignificant to the universe, just like the rest of us. We are the same in the infinite fabric of space and time, and that is truly beautiful.

More to come.

Odds are, there’s life outside of Earth. The government knows this, scientists know this. So why do so many people argue that extrasolar life is science fiction?

Our galaxy alone consists of 100 billion stars. That’s the Milky Way. Scientists estimate there are somewhere around 200 billion galaxies in the “obesrvable universe.” Not even including the unobservable universe, or the theory of multiple universes, that’s like a living hyperbole. For argument’s sake, let’s assume the Milky Way is an average sized galaxy. That means there are 20,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 stars in the observable universe.

We also know that our Sun is not the only star with a planetary system. Scientists have confirmed that there are planets orbiting at least 129 other stars. And our knowledge here is extremely limited. There are surely countless more among the billions of un-studied stars. Among these potential billions of planets, there must be thousands if not millions of planets with the requirements of life (ie. carbon, oxygen, hydrogen, habitable atmospheric temperature, safe distance from the host star, etc).

Earth is not unique. We are relatively insignificant in the greater universe. We are not special. We are not alone. They are watching us. They will show up on our doorsteps.

Previously, I said that evil is necessary for good to exist. I want to clarify.

Evil is not necessarily evil and good is not necessarily good. In the example of the Churning of the Milky Ocean, I said the stone carving shows the forces of good in a great battle against the forces of evil. This is an enormous over-simplification of the story’s meaning. The Devas are widely accepted as the good guys - and the Asuras, the bad guys. In reality, both groups are badass warriors who are in constant conflict with the opposing group. In the Churning, the two sides agree to work together in an attempt to achieve everlasting life. Both sides get something out of it, but they have to work together to make it happen.

So which side is truly good and which is evil? They both kill for their beliefs. They both have selfish reasons to put aside their differences. Both sides are brutal warriors.

For modern context, take a look at Israel and the Palestinians. They have been immersed in a conflict lasting for centuries over a parcel of land in the West Bank. Both sides believe they have rights to the land. Both sides are in polar opposition. Extremists on both sides employ brutal tactics to achieve their goals: deadly suicide bombings, marketplace attacks, military strikes. And at least for now, both sides have agreed to put aside their differences in a common goal, peace.

So again, which side is good and which is evil? Life isn’t that simple. Nothing is black and white. So while, “evil” must exist in order for “good” to exist, in reality, neither truly exists..

Solitude atop a mountain with a bottle of blackberry wine.

Without evil, good could not exist. An attempt to rid the world of evil is futile. Despite how successful the attempt, our definition of evil would change over time. What was once “good” would become “evil.”

The ancient population of Cambodia articulated the necessity of both good and evil in a bas relief carving at the Angkor Wat complex. The sculpture shows the forces of good in a mythical tug of war with the forces of evil. The “rope” in this case is a huge serpent, wrapped around a mountain. As each side pulls and gains momentum, the mountain spins, churning the oceans of the universe. This churning creates the essence of life. In this model, without a battle of good vs. evil, the world would itself cease to exist..

There is no reality, only what you think.