The thing is… I’m not even sure I like football. When I lived in Florida, I watched every game the Bucs played. And yes, I was a Bucs fan before they won the Superbowl. And I continued to root for them during their recent slump (though, they’re not half bad this year).

But I never really paid much attention to any other teams. I could give a hot steamy shit if the Chargers were playing the Niners.

Then last year I joined the office fantasy football league. I became obsessed. I learned about all the key players on every team. I knew who was injured, which teams had the best pass defense, which player had the best record playing in domes, etc. I won the pool last year, so my obsession sort of paid off.

Even more so, I really enjoyed watching football. Gambling does that for me. Suddenly I’m into Texas Hold’em. Or I’ll decide that pool is my favorite game.

During the offseason, it all sort of fell out of my head like R. Budd Dwyer’s brain. By the time the fantasy football draft rolled around again, I couldn’t remember any of the football facts that I stored in my mental file just a few months earlier. Still, I did my homework and made some decent selections in the draft. Now, 4 weeks into the season, I’m obsessed again.

Stupid trivia I’ll forget in a couple months:

• Brian Leonard backs up Steven Jackson, but it doesn’t matter because St. Louis sucks this year.
• When Terrell Owens draws heavy coverage, Patrick Crayton can be a badass.
• Cadillac Williams is an injury magnet.
• Dwayne Bowe is a rookie phenom with touchdowns in three straight games.
• The Eagles are only good if they are wearing bright yellow.

Add to the list if you’re a football dork. If not, go away and leave me alone - I’m busy setting up my roster for Sunday.

I’m feeling a little link crazy today. Just thought I should warn you.

I don’t care if I’m an old man, I’m going to start skateboarding again. I picked up a new deck today at a Philly skate shop called Sub Zero. The deck is made by Traffic Skateboards which is owned and operated out of South Philly. Ricky Oyola runs the company - he’s a Philadelphia icon known for his fearless skating style, weaving through city traffic as he pops tricks.

The deck is part of Traffic’s Philadelphia History Series. Other models commemorate happy moments in Philly’s past, but not this one. It’s kind of creepy actually. As I was walking out of the skateshop, a dude saw the board and did a double take. “Did that skateboard come like that? Was that actually painted on there?” “Yeah.” He shook his head in disgust and walked away. That made me happy.

As you are all aware, my alma mater Florida is facing off tonight against the evil Buckeyes in the College Football National Championship game. And while the Ohio State faithful will surely pray to their heartland deity Jesus Christ for divine assistance (how cliché can you get?), my college roommate Joe wants Gator fans to seek the help of a true Southern god-hero-king, Elvis Presley. Here’s Joe’s request:

Another year,
another celebration of the birth of The King.

It’s Elvis’ Birthday and depending on how well you know me,
you know exactly what this means to me.
Well, this year it has extra special meaning.
You see, my beloved University of Florida
Fightin Florida Gators American-Style Football Club
is playing some jackass team from ohio
for the National Championship.

So normally I would take this yearly opportunity
to remind you to raise a glass to ole Señor Presley
and maybe update you on my life
[I moved to New York City. Still in “the industry”,
still “writing”. New girlfriend, same poverty.
Do visit. Blah blah blah]

But this year things are different.
Not that I’m big into fate
or harmonic convergence or what have you,
but my Gators are playing on Elvismas for the big one,
so I cannot ignore the coincidence.

Which brings me to the little favor for joejeo:
I want you to clearly say…
right as your reading this email…
out loud…
just once…
and not just in your head because he can’t hear you…
(I mean ‘duh’)
I want you to say…

“Hey Elvis, help them Gators win today!”

See, I figure both sides,
Florida and ohio
are entreating Jesus and God.
So what side to take, right?
The one with more Evangelicals?
Bob Jones doesn’t even have a 1-A squad for f*ck sake!
I’m saying all them dudes are sticking with the
Impartial Observer bit.
And with Allah,
well, I’m not even going to get into that…
well let’s just say
it’s got his non-anthropomorphic-in-any-way hands
full right now.
Oi!

So that leaves us with Elvis.
One thing that everyone used to say about Elvis
was that he loved his fans.
He really loved his fans.
So if a huge number of people ask him to pull for one team.
And he can hear us (big IF)
Well, I imagine that he’s down in the TV room
in that great big Graceland in the Sky.
Oh boy and you know he loves his college ball.
Well, I’m just sayin, with a little asking,
he might help with a few first downs
for Chris Leak and the boys.

So today as you open presents,
watch “Viva Las Vegas” or “Mystery Train”,
get hammered and make an ass of yourself,
or just blithely notice it’s his birthday on IMDb today,
take a moment to ask him out loud to help out the Gators.

I know it’s silly,
but it’s silly not too.
(uh… right?)

“Hey Elvis, help them Gators win today!”

Happy Elvismas Everybody!
Go Gators.

-joe

Dude rips. dude.

Remember my post a few months ago titled “Fantasy Football is for Great Big Dorks“? In that entry, I claimed that fantasy sports are the adult version of Dungeons and Dragons. I still think that’s true, but in the name of fun I succumbed to the pressure and joined a fantasy league with a dozen friends.

That was 16 weeks ago. Now the season’s over. And guess who ended up in first place and walked away with the cash? That’s right - your ol’ buddy JJ!

Was it worth $120 for me to dedicate several hours a week for 4 straight months to a game I openly admit is for dorks? Hell fucking yes. For the first time in years, I’ve had a reason to watch pro football. Somehow gambling, even in small amounts, makes pro sports so much more interesting. It’s not even about the money so much as it is about bragging rights. First I win the NCAA tournament pool (thanks to my alma mater Florida), and now I’m the reigning Fantasy Football champ. Fuck yeah.

But aside from being a completely geeky hobby - I did discover another negative aspect to Fantasy Football. It’s something I didn’t anticipate back in August when I first wrote about it. Fantasy sports are so entirely based on individual performance that they have the potential to ruin your team spirit. Who gives a shit if your favorite team is playing the Saints? Drew Brees is on your Fantasy team - let’s see some New Orleans touchdowns, bitches! I actually tried to create a compromise between the two in my head. “I know we want the Eagles to win - but I also need Tiki Barber to have at least a 100-yard game. Let’s just hope Philly wins and it’s a high scoring game. Go Tiki!… I mean - Go Birds!”

Now that the fantasy season’s over, I’m going to have a shitload of free time… Maybe I’ll read a book or something…. Nahhh, fuck that. It’s college basketball season and March Madness is right around the corner. I should really start researching.

________________________

If you can’t get enough of the game, sign online for all the additional football

information you need!  From game stats and player info to football

collectables, you will be able to satisfy the sports

fan in you!  

=

I’m a fantasy football novice, but I succumbed to the pressure and I’ve decided to join a league with my co-workers. I think one reason I’ve been so hesitant to play along is the fact that fantasy football is for nerds. These are the people who used to play role playing games, collect baseball cards, and continue to wear sports jerseys in public (well into their adulthood).

You’re not buying into my theory that fantasy sports are for geeks? Just take a look at my list of similarities between fantasy football and Dungeons and Dragons:

• Random selection of the draft order = Rolling a 20 sided die
• The draft = Creating new characters
• The NFL = The “realm”
• Your players = Your characters
• Your fantasy league = Your characters’ “world”
• Your league’s “commissioner” = The “dungeon master”
• The “smack talk’ message board = “Flaming the n00bs”
• Obsessively checking player stats to make the best decisions each week = Fighting dozens of small battles to earn experience points
• Watching games all day Sunday = Sitting through all night RPG sessions on lonely Saturday nights
• Talking smack because your runningback had a huge weekend = Bragging to your dorky friends that you just “leveled up”
• Assigning your players in preparation for Sunday = Buying weapons and supplies to prepare for a raid
• “You picked Oakland’s defense? Dumbass.” = “You’re gonna be a dwarf? Pwn3d.”
• “Lookout, bitch! I’m playing Larry Johnson this week!” = “I’m arming my +99 helmet of the gods! All your base are belong to us!”

_______________________________

fan?  If you want to find extra information about football

or your other favorite sports,

simply sign online!  Whether you love college football 

or tennis, the internet can provide you with all of the game scores and

collectables you need!

During the World Cup (hosted in Germany), Frenchman Zinedine Zidane headbutted Italian Marco Materazzi in the chest.  Here’s how various countries saw the now infamous assault:
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Soccer is supremely boring, but it was the World Cup Final, so I felt like I had to watch. I’m glad I did, because I was able to see the most perfect example of poor sportsmanship in World Cup history.

This French dude, Zidane announced his retirement this year. But his team made it to the World Cup Finals, so you’d think he’d be psyched to go out on top. But nope - Dude got kicked out of the game for fucking headbutting an Italian guy in the chest. He headbutted his sternum! Fucking insane! Watch:

Zidane Headbutt Video

I like to think I’m not superstitious. There’s just no point. Though I have heard that if you step on a crack, your mother really will break her back.

So while I know superstition isn’t pragmatic, I figured the Gators needed all the help they could get last night.

I wore my “lucky” shoes. Momo wore her orange shirt - the same one she wore when Florida beat George Mason (yes she washed it first). We went to the same bar and sat in the same area we sat for the last two Gator victories, even though the bar is halfway across town. I didn’t wear UF colors, because I haven’t worn UF colors for any game this season and I didn’t want to jinx it. Momo insisted that her friends joined us at the bar, because they were there with us for the last Gator win. etc. etc. etc…

I know it doesn’t make sense, but I felt a little better. At least I knew if they happened to lose that it definitely wasn’t going to be my fault. I wasn’t about to smite the gods by scoffing at superstition.

And… it paid off - in two ways. Florida destroyed UCLA and I won my office pool. So today I’m celebrating (quietly in my cube with headphones on while typing). Go Gators!!!
More pics after the jump.

(more…)

As you all know, I’m a huge Gator Basketball fan. And this year, Florida is in the Final Four. Take that, Mojotek! Too bad they don’t always look so great off the court.

While announcers like to point out that the Gators are well-rounded, with several guys averaging double figures - one player really tends to stand out: 6′11″ center Joakim Noah.

(AP Photo)

Dude grabs crazy rebounds and throws down massive dunks - and every time, he celebrates with true passion.

(AP Photo)

I got used to seeing this guy screaming in celebration while leading his team to victory. That’s why it seemed sort of odd to see this photo of Noah in somewhat peculiar attire. It’s not like I expect him to wear his jersey everywhere he goes - but everyone knows you’re not supposed to wear socks with sandals.

(Photo from Deadspin)

Go Gators!

(Hat tip: Joethe)

i hate baseball. but the players have the best names. i say we list them here and now. i’ll put down the first five.

cocoa crisp
milton bradley
rolly fingers(add mustache for funnier results)
tug mcgraw
kiko calero

Remember the horrible picture I posted of the Alabama football player breaking his leg in a game against Florida? If you’re into gory shit, then take a peek. Steer clear if you have a weak stomach. Seriously, consider yourself warned.

Anyway, after an initial surgery and a terrible infection, it looks like Tyrone Prothro is finally recovering. He had a second surgery and coaches say he might be back in action for his senior season. I for one hope he has a full recovery and makes it to the NFL. Dude has sick talent.

Here’s an update from Sports Illustrated on September 19, 2006:

Alabama’s Prothro out for season
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. (AP) — Alabama receiver Tyrone Prothro had another operation on his left leg and will not return this season, coach Mike Shula said Tuesday.

Prothro underwent surgery on Monday for the broken leg sustained last October against Florida. Teammates had said they didn’t expect him to attempt a return until next season, but Shula had maintained he was taking a wait-and-see approach.

“We weren’t going to rule anything out until we knew for sure,” Shula said.

Prothro was injured while leaping for a possible touchdown catch near the end of a sensational game against Florida, when he caught five passes for 134 yards and two touchdowns, including an 87-yard score in the first quarter.

He had a second operation in February to insert a metal rod.

think you know the real clinton portis?

kicks joe namath’s fur coat wearing ass!!!!

I was trying to get over my New Year’s hangover at brunch this past weekend when P3, Frankie and I started talking about ridiculous sports team names. The Packers were about to play. Say that out loud to yourself. “The Packers.” Enough said.

So we rattled off a few names and argued over which ones are the worst. Here are a few from the NBA - and I’m only starting there because the NBA seems to be the main offender.

• Utah Jazz - It’s so entirely inappropriate.
• LA Lakers - Even if they were still in Minneapolis, what the fuck is a Laker?
• Orlando Magic - Please don’t name a team after a theme park.
• Washington Wizards - “Bullets” is just so much cooler.
• Indiana Pacers - I know Maine‘ll be pissed, but did they name this team after a horrible car model from the 70’s?.

Baseball’s got a few gems too. Here’s an example:

• Houston Astros - Isn’t that the dog from the Jetsons?

And the NFL:

• Cleveland Browns - It sounds like a euphemism for shitting on someone during sex.

Even hockey has some:

• Anaheim Mighty Ducks - Which came first, the NHL team or the awful children’s movie?

Any others?