Scrabble is fucking fun as balls. But the game can be even more jizz-inducing if you add a little shit to the mix. Here’s how it works: You get an extra ten points for every curse word, racial slur, or drug reference you play.

If you’re playing with a pussy who wants to argue, you might need to flip a coin from time to time. Say you play the word “bang” and you want to get your ten points for your sexual reference - and your opponent says “Fuck that, you piece of shit. That’s not a dirty word.” You can say “Suck it, you cunty cockblock. Let’s flip a coin, goddammit.”

And if you’ve got a raging hard-on and you happen to be in a board game mood, you should try Strip Scrabble. For every 50 points you earn, your opponent has to take off a piece of clothing. Soon you’ll be seeing nips, and you’ll have your ballsack flapping in the breeze.

You can all thank Jimpony for this one. He’s the guy who sent us the link to Buck Truck The Rappin’ Trucker. But while I referred to Buck Truck as pure torture, I flat out love this shit.

It’s a video by Simon Rex, the former MTV VJ and porn star. He’s calling himself Dirt Nasty. If you dig this one, check out his video for “Dropping Names“.

Dearest readers,

Happy New Year to you and your perversions.

I’ve started a list of songs related to New Years Day. Add to the list in the comments section if you can think of some more. Maybe this time next year I’ll post mp3s so you can download them and make a New Year compilation CD.

• Death Cab For Cutie - The New Year
• The Breeders - New Year
• U2 - New Years Day
• Codeine - New Year’s (Seam played a version of this song too - I’m not sure which came first)

Didn’t the Scud Mountain Boys have a song called New Years Day? Or maybe it’s a lyric in one of their songs?

Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

Best regards,
JJ

My entire family took LSD on Christmas eve, and drank great wine all night. It was amazing! We also had a sing-a-long which I recorded. Around midnight I gave my Dad his present. It was a topographic map of the area in which he lives. It looked very stylish in his living room. We laughed and had a very silly evening. The sing-a-long sounds really funny, and I think we may have freaked the cats out.

Dearest heathens,

I have news to share with you. The body shop called with an estimate to repair the damage caused by a recent hit and run accident. Drum roll….. $6500 and it’ll be done by January 7.

Insurance will cover it, but I’ll have to pay the deductible and I’m sure my rates will go up.

One final note about this ordeal - Check out the picture below. Notice how cautiously and carefully I folded in the driver’s side mirror. I take this preventative measure every single day. In this case, it didn’t help.

Yours in hatefulness and spite,
JJ

Now that I’m the victim of a hit and run, a few of my friends have asked if I think it’s payback in the form of car karma (or in this case: “car-ma”). My answer? Yeah - that might have something to do with it.

This is what I saw today as I was heading out to band practice. Apparently, someone crashed into my car last night and drove off. You can see they lost a headlight in the accident, and there’s some blue paint on my bumper.

But here’s the thing - I’m not even really all that mad. Remember how pissed off I was when someone broke into my old Subaru? That felt like a personal attack. This is completely different.

I assume the driver was drunk. I guess it’s possible they simply lost control, but it wasn’t snowing or raining. Also - I assume they aren’t wealthy. The headlight that was left behind looks like it’s from a real piece of shit. And my girl and I don’t exactly live in the ritziest neighborhood. My car was parked outside our apartment. Here’s our block:

So if this was a drunk driver, they probably felt like they couldn’t deal with the cops. And if they don’t have money (maybe they don’t even have insurance), perhaps they couldn’t afford to pay for the damage to my car.

That’s rational JJ talking. The other side of the coin is this: I’ve got to pay at least $500 for the repairs (I’m assuming insurance pays for the rest), my insurance rates will likely go up, I’ve been sitting here waiting three hours for the cops to show up so I can file a police report, I missed band practice, I’ll be without a car for at least a week, I’ll have to deal with the hassle of getting the car to the shop and picking it up, and the value of my car just plummeted because now it’s been in an accident.

Ahh fuck ‘em. Whoever did this deserves a blanket party. Who wants to help?

Wow, this is pure torture. Buck Truck is like a hillbilly version of Wesley Willis. I hate it so much that I love it. That does make sense, doesn’t it?

You can thank Jimpony for sending us the link.

I kinda miss DC. Here’s some (punk) music from the nation’s capital. It’ll be up for about three days unless Jason wants to mp3 the stuff…

http://www.sendspace.com/file/llopit

Hain’s Point - Rites of Spring (the birth of emo?)

Attitude - Bad Brains (get out from under dat rock boy!)

I’ve Heard - Dag Nasty (Dave Smalley vocals, Brian Baker wrote all of the lyrics and songs)

Song Number 1 - Fugazi (people jizz over this)

Plain To See - Government Issue (buy their shirts or Staab will own them all!)

Chutes and Ladders - Gray Matter (revolution summer! dude also sang in Three which is good and more poppy)

Anger Means - Ignition (post Faith, Alec Mackeye, Ian’s bro)

Under the Glare - Lunchmeat (from Amanda’s label Sammich. Ian’s sis. pre- Soulside, Girls against Boys)

That Time of Year - Rain (from Gui’s label Peterbilt. reminds me of Three. Eli Janney played drums, Soulside, Girls Against Boys)

Ghost - Swiz (some think monumental, Shawn Brown’s vocals are a little rough for me. pre Dag Nasty vocals, Sweet Belly Freak Down, Jesus Eater)

There are thousands of amazing cities in this world - places with rich history, stunning architecture, world-renowned restaurants… and then there’s Plano, TX.

First - to get there from the Dallas airport, you travel along the President George Bush Turnpike. I’m not shitting you. Dude’s still in office and he already has a highway named after him. And to top it off, I have never paid so many tolls for such a horrible trip in my life. The irony was not lost on me.

Don’t get me wrong - Plano is truly breathtaking… if you are a huge fan of strip malls, chain restaurants, bland architecture, and giant trucks and SUVs. Everywhere - giant people driving giant vehicles. And by giant people, I mean the kind of people who eat a hearty breakfast at McDonald’s, guzzle Starbucks frappuccinos all day, pop in to Chili’s for lunch, and eat Applebee’s for dinner. What a lifestyle.

At least they have a fantastic beer selection at the local pubs. Wait… did I say local pubs? I meant the cookie cutter martini bars and chain restaurant happy hours. Oh and I just realized I said “fantastic beer selection”. I’m a silly goose. Obviously I meant “bullshit selection of colostomy bag contents poured into a brown bottle”. You like Michelob Ultra, Budweiser, Coors, and Miller Lite? Plano is perfect for you. You can even try the one beer they offer that maybe you haven’t tried before - Shiner Bock. What a treat - a beer brewed in Shiner, TX. I wonder if people in Plano realize that other countries do in fact brew beer. Some of those international beers are actually pretty tasty. I should have informed them.

Okay, I realize I’m being a pompous ass. People are different. For all I know these are nice people with great taste. Maybe they swarm to the strip malls in their SUVs to sip Budweisers because they have no other options. Ahh fuck it. If that’s the case, I still feel sorry for them. Dopes.

Hello dearest readers,

I’d like to introduce you to some friends of mine - my taste buds. They have some strong opinions and a skewed perception of the world. For example, they believe the following:

• Rock Star energy drink tastes like bubble gum
• Diet Mountain Dew tastes like blueberries
• Eating a banana while drinking Diet Mountain Dew tastes like Froot Loops
• Beer goes extremely well with scrambled eggs
• The taste of chocolate is overwhelming and unpleasant

Now I am going to go shave off my taste buds with a straight razor to see if things taste different when they grow back. I’ll let you know.

Sincerely,
Your ol’ pal JJ

People,

I am making progress in my plans to permanently scar my body using a painful process of injecting ink under the layers of the skin on my back. In other words, I have prepared the basis for my tattoo design.

It began with a few images of The Churning of the Milky Ocean, a bas-relief scuplture found on a wall at Angkor Wat in Cambodia. I chopped and rotated and combined and accentuated the images to make a single whole image. You can check out the initial structure here. My tattoo artist is using this as a basis for her black/gray ink drawing. I hope to see a first draft of her drawing on Saturday.

I’ll let you know if I get any of the actual tattoo done this weekend. No matter what happens, I know it will never be even half as cool as the best tattoo ever.

Best regards to you and yours,
JJ

No I do not want a Macy’s giftcard. Thanks for nothing.

Is it unethical to look through your significant other’s internet browser history or is it perfectly acceptable?

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Dearest readers,

I am seriously considering getting a giant tattoo across my back. The design is in progress. It will be an interpretation of The Churning of the Milky Ocean, a bas-relief sculpture found at Angkor Wat in Cambodia. The drawing will be black ink only. I will post pictures once it is done.

Is this a good idea or am I losing my mind?

Best regards,
JJ