There are plenty of scenarios that could fall into this gray area. Just think of some crazy shit - like a teenage serial killer who took your family hostage. You might be ethically justified in teaching him a lesson.

Hmmm... Is that even legal though? Let's say you see your daughter's 16-year-old asshole boyfriend punch her in the jaw like that dude who socked Snooki. Could you get arrested for punching him back? What if you catch a teenager trying to steal your wallet? Could you face jail time for giving him a black eye?

The thought came to me recently on the way home from work. Center City Philly. It's dark out and I'm walking through a sketchy part of town. I see a group of questionable teenagers roughhousing on in the street. I thought - what if these kids decide to start fucking with me? A lone white guy quietly walking through their neighborhood with no other adults in sight. Truth is, they'd destroy me in a fight. But I could probably manage to land a couple of jabs.

So in that scenario - what happens legally? A group of 15 and 16-year-old boys. A couple of them with black eyes, maybe even one with a broken nose. Then a 34-year-old yuppie beaten to a pulp. Would I face charges?

Okay, that's enough setup. Most of you probably agree there are instances where a kid might deserve an uppercut to the jaw. Now that I've roped you in - consider these situations:

• You're on the bus and you see a kid call an old lady a bitch.
• Two kids walk up to you yelling racial slurs then start pushing you, trying to start something.
• You walk outside late at night and catch a kid reaching the broken glass of your car's window, trying to steal your shit.
• You're walking on the sidewalk, when a car full of teenagers drive by slowly and throw a bag of shit at your face - then they are forced to stop half a block ahead because of traffic.

Punch or no punch? And what's the age limit? For any of the scenarios above? Maybe it's easy to say you'd knock out a 17-year-old thug. But what if he's 16, 15... 14?

Women like to joke about dudes having bad aim in the bathroom. And that's somewhat accurate. Go to nearly any public men's room and you'll see piss on the floor below the urinals. And guys clearly have an issue pointing their urine stream accurately in regular toilets too. However, I'm not 100% certain that guys can't aim - I'm thinking maybe they're just aiming for the wrong target. The way I see it, there are 4 standard options:

Direct Hit

Guys who go for the Direct Hit are not modest. They don't care about the obvious noise aiming directly for the water creates. This is not a good style for a dude with a weak stream. Everyone can tell he's dripping out like a coffee pot. A braggart who shoots piss with the force of a firehose might choose this method just to let you know he's hung like a Pepsi can. And guys who use this technique don't seem to mind the potential splash-back. Who cares about a couple dozen drops of piss-water on your thighs? No one's going to notice anyway, right?

Center Wall

I'm assuming this is the standard operating procedure urinal engineers had in mind when designing their product. People in Japan seem to agree. Pissing toward the back wall of the urinal appears to divert the stream pretty efficiently toward the small pool of water. Though there's still a slight danger of splash-back. And in this case, it's pure piss bouncing off the back wall of the urinal - not a piss/water mix.

Shooting Short

This is the preferred method for dudes with a weak stream. Prostate issues? You're probably dripping down toward the front of the urinal. Otherwise, I don't know why a guy would point his stream so close to his jeans. Too risky.

Ricochet

If a guy thinks he's clever, he might try to aim for the right or left wall of the urinal, sending the pee flow spinning around the back wall. This method could reduce the piss mist. Still, there's a danger you might miss your target and hit the corner of the urinal, sending warm yellow fluid all over the place. This is the preferred technique for creative types who are shy about the sound of their own urine hitting toilet water.

You might say to yourself: "I bust my ass every day for this company and no one ever notices." If so, that's your fault. It's up to you to stand out. In this economy it's every man for himself, so you can be damn sure no one's going to help you. Many of these tips might seem like advice on being a better salesperson. And in a way, that's what you need to do. You are not going to get a promotion or receive guaranteed career advancement if you don't sell yourself.

1. Get some facetime with the boss
   This one is easier than it sounds. Identify a flawed process, come up with an idea for improving that process, then schedule a brief 30-minute meeting with your boss to discuss. If you just aren't that creative, then volunteer to help one of your coworkers who is already making this kind of effort.
2. Contribute something to the conversation
   Whenever you are in a meeting, add something to the discussion. It doesn't have to be mindblowingly impressive. Just something to let everyone know you are participating. This is particularly important when your boss is in the room.
3. Don't say anything stupid
   So now you're contributing. That's great. Just don't overdo it. Don't interrupt when others are speaking, and don't talk too much. And above all, don't say anything that makes you look like a moron. No emotions, no whining, no backtalk! Think before you speak.
4. Show up early
   This one's difficult, I know. You already put in 40 hours like everyone else. Why should you get there early? Because the next guy isn't going to and it's an easy way to make a good impression. Show up 15 minutes early and park close to the building. If 15 minutes isn't early enough to make a difference, try 30 minutes. If your office is small enough, your boss knows what kind of car you drive and will notice. If you work in a big office, make sure to send or reply to an email right when you get there. At least someone will know you were there early. Bosses will know you care and coworkers will think you care more than they do. If you get a promotion, everyone will think you deserve it.
5. Learn everyone's name and role
   Here's where some of the salesmanship really takes over. You want people to like you. Even if you really don't care about them, it will help your career path. Say hello to everyone you see. And say their name. "Good morning, Tom." And then keep moving. You don't want to get caught up bullshitting about the weekend. You're just letting them know that you know who they are.
6. Laugh, but not too much
   This is the next step in getting to know your coworkers. When you're in the kitchen grabbing a cup of coffee, joke around a little. Laugh and have fun. But always cut it short. Any more than a minute or two and you're goofing off. This might sound severe, but think about your boss' perception. the last thing you want is for them to think you're always standing around chatting. And you certainly don't want your coworkers to think you're a tight ass. So laugh - just not too much.
7. Dress like you give a shit
   Even if your office has a relaxed dress code, please do this one thing: Dress better than your peers. The cliche is to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Great idea, but you don't necessarily have to wear a suit to work for your boss to think you have leadership potential. And you might look like a douchebag if all your peers are wearing jeans. So at least dress nicer than the next guy. Khakis instead of jeans. Tucked in button-up instead of an untucked polo. Maybe not even every day. Just make an effort.
8. Walk fast and carry something
   This might seem duplicitous. So what - it works. Don't slowly stride through the office corridors empty handed. It looks like you're going on break. If you are going to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, bring a notepad with you and walk briskly. It'll look like you're headed to a meeting. If someone asks, don't lie. Say you're going to get coffee. Whatever. Most of the time people will simply have the impression that your time is too important for wandering around the office. You have places to be and you don't want to be late.
9. Send emails during off hours
   Think back to my opening statement here. I'm not suggesting you pretend to be a hard worker. Whether it's walking quickly or sending after hours emails, these things only really help you if you are in fact a dedicated worker. When you are starting to wind down at the end of the day and you have a couple more emails to send, you could either stay late or wait until the next morning. Either of those solutions is fine as long as you send the email after the normal closing time or before the normal start time. And if you can send it from home later that evening - even better. I'm not at all suggesting you put off work to make it look like you're busy when you aren't. I'm just saying that if you have a few minutes of work to do at night - do it.
10. Tell them what you want
    So now you're making a good impression. You're an intelligent hard worker who goes above and beyond. That's great, except no one really knows why you are doing all this. Tell someone. Anyone who is above you on the food chain who will listen. Formality is your friend in this case. Schedule a 30 minute meeting with your superior to discuss you career path and your goals. If your company has all this mapped out for you and you are worried that this kind of conversation might be too much, then simply say you are asking for advice. Your boss wants you to succeed. Help them help you.

"Gee, don't you find it interesting that people only use 10% of their brains?"
"Yeah! That's fascinating. Imagine if we could tap into that other 90% of brain power. The possibilities are endless."
"Exactly. Maybe that's where our psychic power is held. You know - telepathy and shit."
"Right! And the power to move things with your mind. Oh! Or the cure for cancer!"

How about the power to be a complete dope? The British Medical Journal recently debunked that myth along with a couple dozen others. No, you don't have to drink eight 8 ounce glasses of water a day. No, sugar does not make your child hyper. No, you won't gain more weight if you eat dinner really late every day.

Check out the goods here and here.

Why are there different ass wiping techniques? I imagine toilet paper manufacturers design their product to be used a certain way. Surely people adjust their technique throughout the years, culminating in what they believe the be an ideal system to get the cleanest possible asshole with the least amount of effort and waste. Still, there are two distinct styles: those who bunch the paper and those who fold it. If you use a single square, you are a disgusting mess and deserve to be put to sleep. That’s just not enough thickness to keep you from getting shit on your hand.

We could also argue the merits of reaching from behind to wipe - or between the legs - or from the side with a dramatic lean. Seems to me that’s a chick or a dude thing. Dudes can’t effectively reach their asshole from the front unless they’re hung like an acorn. So….

The question before us today is this: Wad or fold? What’s the normal toilet paper technique?

Your parents are asleep. And if they know you are out and they haven't heard from you yet, they just might shuffle over to your room to see if you got home yet. Not cool.

Here's what you do:

1. Find a quiet place.
2. Call your house phone from your friend's phone.
3. Your mom or dad will pick up all groggy and tired and will mutter "Hello?"
4. Yell "Mom, hang up! I got it!"

They'll think you are already home and you just received a phone call from your friend. Give it a shot.

I saw the wallet on the sidewalk outside a ritzy hotel next to a fancy tour bus. There was no one within 10 feet or so (but plenty of people were milling around the general area). As we walked past the wallet, I saw it in my periphery. I said to Lulu "So, should we pick up that wallet?" She apparently didn't notice it, so she turned and glanced down. "Yeah, why not?"

I casually stepped back, leaned down, and picked it up. I felt like I was in 6th grade, stealing candy bars from the local convenience store. I felt guilty. I immediately thought "If there's an ID in here, I'm returning it." Lulu echoed these thoughts.

I opened it and noticed it was particularly sparse. Plenty of pockets for IDs, credit cards, business cards, but they were bare. The only thing in there was an unorganized wad of cash and some change in the zipper pocket.

My immediate reaction was to stuff the wallet in my pocket and start walking. Whoever lost it didn't care enough to keep an ID in there and they were obviously clumsy enough to drop it right in the middle of a busy city sidewalk. Not my fault. Their fault. But of course I was conflicted. It wasn't my wallet. Does "finders keepers" really apply in the adult world?

My guilt slowly faded as we continued on our way. At that point, I still had no idea how much cash I just picked up. I waited until we entered a store before I pulled it out and sifted through it. I guess I didn't want to be stuck counting a handful of cash right there in the middle of Philly. Some unsavory character might have grabbed it. (Looking back, I suppose I might be the unsavory character in this whole deal.)

So I counted the cash after we entered a store. Seventeen dollars and change. The bills were all crumpled and stuffed into the wallet. Looked like the money organization technique of a lower primate without opposable thumbs - or perhaps a zitty pre-teen.

Thinking the wallet belonged to an irresponsible kid brought my guilt back for a few minutes. But I knew there was nothing I could do at that point, so I decided to spend the cash. I didn't want it anymore. What I did want was a cheese sandwich from the local deli.

Lulu and I spent the cash as quickly as we had found it. Sandwiches, drinks, and some candy. That's all it was worth. Then when we got home I threw out that fashion catastrophe of a wallet. I feel better not having it around.

If personal online branding is new to you, it might seem like a load of bullshit. But I'm telling you, a company is far more interested in hiring a known quantity than risking salary space on a nobody. And not only that - it's just cool to see your name in Google search results.

This info will come in handy if you're the type of person who has handed in a resume with your email address listed as hotwhore69@hotmail.com. Or maybe your potential employer Googled your name and the only search result was a page listing "The drunkest douchebags on campus, class of 2002". You can fix all that in a few simple steps.

1. Get a real email address
   You'll need to put it on your resume. And of course, you'll use it to keep in contact with your potential employers - to send your resume and cover letter, and to send a thank you note after the interview. hardcorepothead@gmail.com won't suffice. Try firstname.lastname@gmail.com. And if that doesn't work, try lastnamefirstnamemiddleinitial@gmail.com (that's the one I use), or any combination of those elements.
2. Register a URL
   I use GoDaddy. Try to get firstnamelastname.com. And if that's taken, try firstname-lastname.com (That's the one I registered). Try to steer clear of .org and .net URLs if at all possible. Owning a .com shows you put some effort into it. You could buy a hosting package and create a website with your resume and some links to relevant websites, etc. Or just do what I did - redirect your URL to your online professional profile at LinkedIn.
3. Join a professional networking site
   Speaking of LinkedIn... you can use a professional networking site to build your online resume. LinkedIn is leading the pack on this one, with features similar to MySpace or Facebook, but geared towards the workforce. Make sure to add everyone you can think of so your profile gets as much visibility as possible. I've joined all the sites listed below, and my firstname-lastname.com URL redirects to my public LinkedIn profile.
   LinkedIn
   Plaxo
   ZoomInfo
   spoke
   XING
4. Write a decent resume
   Update your resume, adding your professional email address and URL. Add that newly spiced-up resume to every professional networking site you can find. Make sure to link back to your URL from all of your online profiles so you increase your Google page rank (where you show up in web searches). It's not terribly difficult to get Google to notice you, but it does take time. Be patient.
5. Keep your personal profile private
   If you have a MySpace or Facebook profile, make sure to mark it "private". You have to assume that anytime you apply for a job, at least one of the interviewers is going to run a search for you on personal networking sites. It's just natural curiosity. It's best to build up your professional online presence and keep your personal life private. You don't want the hiring manager to see an old picture of you guzzling a Bud Light through a beer bong while dressed in a Mighty Mouse costume.

That's about it. Good luck - and let me know if you have any other tips.

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Obviously the highest of high-brow advice and humor... What have I done? I've created a monster!

Check out some of the recent comments. You'll pinch a loaf in your shorts.