Am I Normal? Toilet Paper: Wad or Fold?
Okay, gang - time for another entry in the "Am I Normal" series.
Why are there different ass wiping techniques? I imagine toilet paper manufacturers design their product to be used a certain way. Surely people adjust their technique throughout the years, culminating in what they believe the be an ideal system to get the cleanest possible asshole with the least amount of effort and waste. Still, there are two distinct styles: those who bunch the paper and those who fold it. If you use a single square, you are a disgusting mess and deserve to be put to sleep. That’s just not enough thickness to keep you from getting shit on your hand.
We could also argue the merits of reaching from behind to wipe - or between the legs - or from the side with a dramatic lean. Seems to me that’s a chick or a dude thing. Dudes can’t effectively reach their asshole from the front unless they’re hung like an acorn. So….
The question before us today is this: Wad or fold? What’s the normal toilet paper technique?
A tip for all the teenagers who troll this site
Let's say you're out past curfew at a friend's house and the fun is just getting started. It's only 11pm! You have a fresh beer in your hand and you just don't feel like leaving. Why not spark up another joint and stick around a while?
Your parents are asleep. And if they know you are out and they haven't heard from you yet, they just might shuffle over to your room to see if you got home yet. Not cool.
Here's what you do:
- Find a quiet place.
- Call your house phone from your friend's phone.
- Your mom or dad will pick up all groggy and tired and will mutter "Hello?"
- Yell "Mom, hang up! I got it!"
They'll think you are already home and you just received a phone call from your friend. Give it a shot.
If you found a wallet on the sidewalk, would you keep it?
Lulu and I were walking around the Rittenhouse area of Center City Philly last week when I grabbed a wallet off the sidewalk. The wallet was super tacky - a velcro trifold - the sort of thing a broke teenager might carry as they fight their way through an identity crisis. It was printed plastic, designed to look like denim, with a layer of clear plastic on top of the faux jeans design.
I saw the wallet on the sidewalk outside a ritzy hotel next to a fancy tour bus. There was no one within 10 feet or so (but plenty of people were milling around the general area). As we walked past the wallet, I saw it in my periphery. I said to Lulu "So, should we pick up that wallet?" She apparently didn't notice it, so she turned and glanced down. "Yeah, why not?"
I casually stepped back, leaned down, and picked it up. I felt like I was in 6th grade, stealing candy bars from the local convenience store. I felt guilty. I immediately thought "If there's an ID in here, I'm returning it." Lulu echoed these thoughts.
I opened it and noticed it was particularly sparse. Plenty of pockets for IDs, credit cards, business cards, but they were bare. The only thing in there was an unorganized wad of cash and some change in the zipper pocket.
My immediate reaction was to stuff the wallet in my pocket and start walking. Whoever lost it didn't care enough to keep an ID in there and they were obviously clumsy enough to drop it right in the middle of a busy city sidewalk. Not my fault. Their fault. But of course I was conflicted. It wasn't my wallet. Does "finders keepers" really apply in the adult world?
My guilt slowly faded as we continued on our way. At that point, I still had no idea how much cash I just picked up. I waited until we entered a store before I pulled it out and sifted through it. I guess I didn't want to be stuck counting a handful of cash right there in the middle of Philly. Some unsavory character might have grabbed it. (Looking back, I suppose I might be the unsavory character in this whole deal.)
So I counted the cash after we entered a store. Seventeen dollars and change. The bills were all crumpled and stuffed into the wallet. Looked like the money organization technique of a lower primate without opposable thumbs - or perhaps a zitty pre-teen.
Thinking the wallet belonged to an irresponsible kid brought my guilt back for a few minutes. But I knew there was nothing I could do at that point, so I decided to spend the cash. I didn't want it anymore. What I did want was a cheese sandwich from the local deli.
Lulu and I spent the cash as quickly as we had found it. Sandwiches, drinks, and some candy. That's all it was worth. Then when we got home I threw out that fashion catastrophe of a wallet. I feel better not having it around.
Build Your Brand
Okay slackers - If you have any level of motivation in life, any desire to move up the corporate ladder, it would behoove you to start building your brand. In this case, your name is your brand. And you want to give your name value.
If personal online branding is new to you, it might seem like a load of bullshit. But I'm telling you, a company is far more interested in hiring a known quantity than risking salary space on a nobody. And not only that - it's just cool to see your name in Google search results.
This info will come in handy if you're the type of person who has handed in a resume with your email address listed as hotwhore69@hotmail.com. Or maybe your potential employer Googled your name and the only search result was a page listing "The drunkest douchebags on campus, class of 2002". You can fix all that in a few simple steps.
- Get a real email address
You'll need to put it on your resume. And of course, you'll use it to keep in contact with your potential employers - to send your resume and cover letter, and to send a thank you note after the interview. hardcorepothead@gmail.com won't suffice. Try firstname.lastname@gmail.com. And if that doesn't work, try lastnamefirstnamemiddleinitial@gmail.com (that's the one I use), or any combination of those elements. - Register a URL
I use GoDaddy. Try to get firstnamelastname.com. And if that's taken, try firstname-lastname.com (That's the one I registered). Try to steer clear of .org and .net URLs if at all possible. Owning a .com shows you put some effort into it. You could buy a hosting package and create a website with your resume and some links to relevant websites, etc. Or just do what I did - redirect your URL to your online professional profile at LinkedIn. - Join a professional networking site
Speaking of LinkedIn... you can use a professional networking site to build your online resume. LinkedIn is leading the pack on this one, with features similar to MySpace or Facebook, but geared towards the workforce. Make sure to add everyone you can think of so your profile gets as much visibility as possible. I've joined all the sites listed below, and my firstname-lastname.com URL redirects to my public LinkedIn profile.
LinkedIn
Plaxo
ZoomInfo
spoke
XING - Write a decent resume
Update your resume, adding your professional email address and URL. Add that newly spiced-up resume to every professional networking site you can find. Make sure to link back to your URL from all of your online profiles so you increase your Google page rank (where you show up in web searches). It's not terribly difficult to get Google to notice you, but it does take time. Be patient. - Keep your personal profile private
If you have a MySpace or Facebook profile, make sure to mark it "private". You have to assume that anytime you apply for a job, at least one of the interviewers is going to run a search for you on personal networking sites. It's just natural curiosity. It's best to build up your professional online presence and keep your personal life private. You don't want the hiring manager to see an old picture of you guzzling a Bud Light through a beer bong while dressed in a Mighty Mouse costume.
That's about it. Good luck - and let me know if you have any other tips.
Like an evil robot bent on destruction
This "blog" has taken on a life of its own. Like Frankenstein's monster, it is torturing and pillaging without conscience. I haven't posted anything here in three weeks, but still this place gets new comments every day. And what are these total strangers commenting on? What important topics have I covered over the past three years that keep drawing in the dregs of society?
Why do guys like porn?
Do women like giving blowjobs?
Masturbation euphemisms
Albino porn doesn't exist (it really does!)
Obviously the highest of high-brow advice and humor... What have I done? I've created a monster!
Check out some of the recent comments. You'll pinch a loaf in your shorts.
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