How Often does a Normal Person Masturbate?
The Am I Normal series is one of the most popular topics here at The Churning. Entries like "The Normal Age for a First Kiss" and "How Often does a Normal Person Poop" have attracted a huge number of comments. I guess people just like to share their secrets.
Well, someone recently arrived at The Churning after Googling "How Often does a Normal Person Masturbate?" And that made me wonder. Am I normal?
Girl or guy - What's the normal amount of masturbation? Weekly? Daily? Hourly?
Don’t Fear the Medicine Cabinet
Okay girls... Here's a little unsolicited advice for you.
When you're dating a guy and he comes over to your place for the first time, he will look in your medicine cabinet. I realize that may sound like bad news, but there's no need to worry. Sure, he's looking to see if you have any dirty secrets, and yes he's snooping. But that doesn't make him any more of an asshole than any other guy. All guys do it.
The trick is to prepare for this event and use it to your advantage. Clean out the medicine cabinet before he has a chance to snoop. Clear out all the nasty shit and leave the items he might find enticing. Here's a list of items you may want to hide, and others you'll want to flaunt.
Bad:
- Antipsychotics/antidepressants, etc
A first date is not the best time to let a guy into your brain. Your problems are your business until you want to share this info. Take your meds, try not to act psycho, and hide the pills somewhere else. - Wart remover
Seems pretty innocent, right? Nope. No dude wants a handjob from a girl whose palms look like the surface of the moon. - Yeast infection medication
I know this happens from time to time, but you don't want your new fella to think you might be baking a loaf down there. - Hemorrhoid cream
No guy wants to be surprised by a swollen vein poking out of your asshole. If you had a problem and took care of it, then it's time to put away the Preparation-H.
Good:
- Bikini cream
Even if you use a razor to keep your cooch in order, keep some Nair bikini cream in the medicine cabinet. A razor doesn't imply much - only that you shave your legs or whatever. Bikini cream only has one purpose, and he'll want to take an up-close look to see how well it works. - Condoms
Condoms say "This girl likes to fuck and she's careful about it." - Lube
KY or Astroglide or whatever. This shows the dude that you're ready for action. Any girl might have condoms "just in case" but a girl only buys lube if she's really planning to use it. - Enema kit
Yeah, you might be thinking that this belongs in the bad category. And the concern is that some guys might not "get it". But for those in the know - a girl who cleans out her poop chute on a regular basis probably likes to take it up the ass. Either that or she's just constipated. Dammit, maybe this one belongs in the bad category after all.
How to Avoid Getting Picked for Jury Duty
Jury duty blows. When I got the summons, I wasn't worried. It was my third jury duty summons and I had never been picked before. But I guess in this case, the third time's the charm. Fuck.
Jury duty is a whole lot of sitting around doing jack shit while you wait for someone to tell you what to do next. On Monday, as I sat in a justice center waiting room with 40 other people, I read half a novel. And while I sat there, I started to mull over the odds that I might get picked. This time, I knew there was a real chance.
You see, it looked like I was one of the only semi-sane people in the room. One woman was a seven foot tall elderly lady who smelled of moth balls, another dude was clearly retarded (I'm 100% serious), and the guy sitting next to me... was wearing a kilt. He looked just like one of the dudes in the picture above, except his danglers weren't hanging out.
I soon realized that I might be selected for the sole fact that I appeared to be a functional human being. They put us in a courtroom to fill out our paperwork. Looking over the questions, I seriously considered lying on the forms. Maybe I could've said I think all accused criminals are guilty. Or I could've gone the other direction and suggested that I always believe what a cop says.
Then I noticed the big bold print warning potential jurors of being arrested for "contempt of court" for lying. I have to admit, I'm scared of jail. I wouldn't survive inside - with this small white hairless ass. Inmates would be fighting over that shit.
So I filled out the paperwork properly and I got selected... for a week-long criminal trial. Fuck. I don't really mind missing work, but I don't have internet access in the courtroom. Assholes. Couldn't they let me blog from the jurors' box with some high speed wifi action?
Of course, I can't give you any details about the trial. But I will give you one tip. If you get a summons for jury duty and you don't want to be selected, wear a kilt to court, or become a seven foot tall elderly woman, or grow an extra chromosome in your genetic makeup. Okay, maybe just stick to the kilt thing.
Normal Age for a First Kiss
Time for my second entry in the "Am I Normal?" category. Today's topic: What's the normal age for a person to have their first kiss? How old were you? (Yes I realize this is sugary and innocent. We'll address some dirtier shit another time.)
How Often Does a Normal Person Poop?
"Another new series? WTF?!?"
Someone just Googled how often does the normal person poop and ended up at The Churning. I'm not sure how it happened. I just ran the same search and we didn't end up in the first ten pages of results.
That tells me they sifted through at least ten pages of shit (pardon the pun) to find us and we didn't even have the answer to their question. So, I think we should provide a service to these inquiring minds. Now I understand that none of us would qualify as a "normal" person, especially myself - but let's help this internet novice by offering our own advice.
I'll start things off in the comments section. The rest of you MUST participate. Here's the question: "How often do you shit?"
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