From: Aodhor
Message: For me thisis the time of best fucking time. For that I like to get many beautifull girls allover the world, for a sweet fuck or best fuck.

Thank you, Aodhor. You have officially become a contributor to The Churning. Good luck with all the fucking.

For a while I imagined that the nickname bought me some level of anonymity. Only my friends knew my full name. But before long, I was posting pictures of myself and talking about my neighborhood and my personal life. Soon, this site attracted not only my friends, but also my coworkers, etc. (Is "etc" vague enough?)

So anyway... I've updated my display name. Hi. I'm Jason. In the immortal words of Forrest Gump: That's all I have to say about that.

Last month, I thought - It's a pain in the ass to remember my username and password for every website I've ever joined. I got into the habit of storing them locally on a spreadsheet, but even that is cumbersome. It would be so much easier if they were all accessible through one website, a sort of central portal: links to my favorite online stores, banking, message boards, etc along with my various usernames and passwords. Then I did a little digging. And of course it already exists. Passpack. Check it out if you're interested.

This month I was onto something different. It's geared towards webmasters. If you run a website and you want to know where you rank for a certain search term, all you have to do is Google it. But what if you want to know where you rank for a bunch of different search strings?

In 2005 when I started this site, I'd Google The Churning periodically to see where I ranked, and each time I'd see my rank increase due to my SEO efforts. Then I began to notice people were arriving at my site with all kinds of weird search terms. I could Google those search strings one by one to see where I ranked for each. But yesterday I thought - Wouldn't it be great if there were a way to find out every search string that had me listed as the top result? I wanted to create a reverse keyword search. And as usual - it's already out there. And it's fucking awesome. SEODigger.

After you register at the site, type in your web address and select "Full search for domain name". You can run 10 searches every hour (restricting this helps reduce the number of concurrent searches, allowing the results to load faster). The results are typically outdated by about two weeks, so while it is a very useful tool, your actual ranking might be slightly different. Regardless, what I discovered was fantastic.

Out of every website on the fucking planet, Google thinks I'm the number one resource for albino porn. And that's good because it's sorta true. I have never personally posted or linked directly to albino porn, but I did write a post on the subject. And what I found is that albino porn really does exist. You just have to sift through the comments on my post to find it.

So this got me thinking... What search strings rank high for my online pals? I ran a few SEO digs and discovered:

• Eddie Speaks Whale ranks #1 for rip whacker
• MacBros’ Place is at the top of the list for hip waiter and tad hilgenbrink nude
• The gang over at The Airing of Grievances are apparently experts on ass man fuck
• The Finest Kind of Pork revels in its undistinguishedness
• The Omnipotent Poobah knows a lot about gas randomness
• And Randi's Random Rantings apparently has a lot to offer when it comes to mammories milky

So tell me - What search terms put you in the top 20?

The Churning started as a Blogger site, with black text on a red background. Very difficult to read. After a couple of months I moved everything over to Wordpress, where there is a seemingly infinite variety of templates. I chose a simple one and tweaked just about everything: the colors, the fonts, the header graphic, etc. That led to the first screenshot here.

That version of the site launched in spring 2005. The header featured the Philly skyline, with a blood red sky. Sorta morbid I guess. I took that picture in the evening, when the buildings are lit up, then tweaked it in Photoshop and added a logo. Early on, I thought I'd write more about philosophy, music, stories of personal turmoil, etc. But instead I was having more fun posting embarrassing stories and humor links. So the dark and gloomy look began to feel out of place.

Also - my first attempt was designed to allow readers to have 800 resolution without making the site look squished. The result of course, was a terribly skinny two-column blog with a ton of empty black space in the borders.

My next effort was a complete 180. Instead of using a massive jpg header, unique colors for each page section, and jpg images for every text header, I chose to go with white on black and a small gif header logo. And I created the header in Illustrator as a vector graphic in my own handwriting, to make it look a little more fun and silly than the previous site style.

And of course I began designing to allow a minimum of 1024 resolution. Anyone using 800 could still read the main column anyway. These screenshots were taken in 1280 so you can see the borders.

That black on white layout didn't last long. It was way too boring and plain for my taste. This next design stuck around for a while. I spiced it up with a little more color and added a full header graphic. The background in this header is a macro zoom of a photo I took of the side of a Yuengling keg (hence the red stripe). I matched the red from the keg to add in the background color and h2/h3 font colors for the site.

Most of the basic layout remained the same, though I did add a few plugins to the right nav like Recent Comments and Top Commentators. Looking back, I still like the design, I just needed a change.

Which brings us to the current layout. I recently upgraded to Wordpress 2.6.2 - my first widget enabled Wordpress install (yeah, I was way behind the curve). That opened up a lot of opportunities for additional sidebar widgets like the ones I'm using now: the updated Recent Comments, an RSS feed, Archive Dropdown, and Users Online, etc. I've also enabled a few more plugins like Recent Posts, Similar Posts (on post pages, not Home), and Ad Rotator.

This new layout is based on BlackSplat by Sam. It's more subdued than the last one, and I think it's cleaner too. I kept the keg theme in the header graphic, but used a shot without the red stripe. The updated logo is now red again.

I also moved the upper nav buttons below the header, allowing the main page content to sit a little bit higher on the page. That change slightly increased the available real estate "above the fold". You'll also notice that this layout is slightly more complex than the basic two-column layout I had been using. There are two columns near the top of the page, and three columns below that area.

Behind the scenes, I have a couple other plugins running to optimize the site: All in One SEO Pack and WP Super Cache. These should help Google index the site more accurately and efficiently, while helping the site to load faster.

So now that I'm done updating the look and feel, I really need to start focusing on content again...

Consider this a Labor Day gift.

You hate your boss. I know you do. Or at the very least you hate your boss' boss. And who do you get to vent to? Your asshole coworkers? That could get you fired (or branded as a Negative Nancy). And if you come home every night and complain about work, your spouse may eventually slit their wrists.

Save your job, your marriage, and your sanity by venting your frustrations at MyBossIsDumb.com. A friend started the site as a place to talk shit about work. He and I posted a couple of entries and decided it was time to open it up to the public. Think of My Boss is Dumb as a sort of Waiter Rant for office drones. It's a place for you to talk shit without repercussions.

Send us your story and let us know if you want to remain anonymous. And if you have a blog and you want us to link you on the blogroll, provide that info too.

Thank you for your assistance with this matter.

Best regards,
JJ

Here's a list of the last 20 search strings that led to The Churning (all from this morning) along with a stupid comment from JJ about each one (Yes I just referred to myself in the third person. Bite me.):

1. HI, my fantasy is have my penis and my balls cutted off by hand woman.
   I really have no idea what this one's all about. Poor grammar and masochistic tendencies. Dude, relax.
2. where are my taste buds
   I assume this one led to the post about my fucked up taste buds. But that reminds me... Sometime I should really tell you the story about the time my nephews shaved their tongues with a straight razor to see if they could still taste food.
3. guys that love porn
   This one's obvious. In general, guys love porn.
4. do women like fellatio
   Again, this one makes sense. It's a question for the ages. Do women consider giving head a chore?
5. now does porn movies only with her boyfriend
   I assume this was in reference to someone specific. Not sure.
6. nipples pinch pull extreme pics
   I have nothing of the sort here. In fact, I don't think I've ever discussed this topic. Sounds kind of disturbing actually.
7. cock shaving before after
   Ummmm... Yeah...
8. protruding nipples
   Interesting. I've discussed the exact opposite before - inverted nipples. Does Google have an antonym algorithm?
9. my girlfriend likes to suck cock
   Good to know. Thanks for sharing.
10. women like it stiff
    Really? What a surprise.
11. albino porn
    It really does exist. Check out the link(s) in the comments section of this entry.
12. building a log cabin euphemism
    I ended the list of shit euphemisms at 133. That's a lot of poo talk.
13. how many times a day is it normal to poo
    The consensus answer is somewhere around two or three times a day.
14. VIGINA HAIR STYLES
    One of my all time favorite topics. I'll excuse the poor spelling.
15. spanking masturbating
    This search probably led to my list of masturbation euphemisms.
16. do women like big cocks
    No. Size doesn't matter. Good luck in your search for love, Tiny.
17. stroking the monkey
    Either this web surfer is into choking his chicken, or he's got an illegal exotic pet.
18. dreams that your boyfriend is looking at porn
    Yes, guys like porn. Get over it.
19. do girls like to give blow jobs
    Based on the comments to the post on this topic, it doesn't appear that any generalizations can be made. Some girls dig it, others don't. But all girls like to have their clit licked. That's just a known fact.
20. why do guys seem to prefer porn to real sex
    They don't. You're just ugly.

• Step one: Get all your blogfriends to link your website. Make sure the name of your website is part of the text in their hyperlinks.
• Step two: Return the favor by sending a handful of readers in their direction.

It really is easy. Well, step one is sort of easy anyway. All you have to do is send an email to any of your dorky friends who have their own websites saying something along the lines of "Hey, link up my website you silly goose. The Codes will one day rule the earth, muthafuckas!"

Step two feels like an aching hemorrhoid. You know you're going to need to get that fucker lanced eventually, but instead, you just keep living with the itch and rubbing cream on it every once in a while. Okay, that simile sucks. Too bad. You're not going to get much better from me on a Monday morning.

Anyway, a bunch of my friends linked my band's website and now it's payback time.

MacBros’ Place:

This guy's a real problem. First of all, he's got a fetish for middle fingers. I think he likes to use his flip off finger for the ol' dirty sanchez. I swear I do not know from experience. That's just the word on the street.

The other thing that bothers me about this guy is his Canadian heritage. When I was a kid growing up in the south, adults always warned us youngsters to steer clear of Canadians. There's just something shady about them. Take one look and you'll know what I'm talking about.

Oh - And if you're ever completely bored, you can watch this Canadian sit on his couch and guzzle beer in his underwear. Yippee!

Pointless Drivel:

You know how I just implied that MacBros is a real freak of nature with an attitude problem? Well, this next guy is the pile of shit festering in MacBros underwear. He goes by the name "Mr. Fabulous", which reminds me of Paul Orndorff. I wonder if Fab knows he stole his nickname from a washed up wrestler/Florida bowling alley owner.

Shit, I just remembered. I'm supposed to be pimping Pointless Directives, not Pointless Drivel. Both sites are run by the Anti-Christ, and both are laden with bullshit. But there's one major difference: Pointless Drivel gets crazy traffic, while Pointless Directives has a small devoted audience of Islamic fundamentalists (it's only real function is to allow Al Qaeda sleeper cells to pass messages back and forth). Subhan Allah wa Bihamdih!

The Trouble with Angels:

I'm not sure why Diane and Mel call their site "The Trouble with Angels". I think maybe it's based on the porn movie with the same title. The film is uber-hardcore, with a vague plotline about two mentally challenged women who escape from an institution and go on a muderous rampage while boning every man in their path. It's a real heartwarming adventure tale.

One of the more popular series' over at TTWA is the Dead Guy on the Sidebar. It's morbid fun that rewards people who have a little bit of knowledge and some mad Google skills. I played along for a while, but never came close to guessing the right answer. And I'm a poor loser. I think at some point, if you lose enough times Diane shows up at your doorstep with a chainsaw and you become the next "dead guy".

Pretty soon you're entertaining hundreds of virtual friends on a daily basis, revealing certain dirty little secrets that you might not share with your casual real-life friends.

But then you realize... If you're going to be completely honest on your website, odds are you don't want your boss/parents/friends to read it. Too bad you mentioned your blog to your closest friends and your boyfriend/girlfriend. Because maybe they happened to mention it to a mutual friend after they read something particularly funny/revealing. Soon your coworkers are reading it and your Mom stops by from time to time.

This is the point in the blog's lifespan where you have to make a decision:

Do you write about the cockjowling that took place Friday night? It would be hilarious for the hundreds of daily visitors who know how much of a fucked up freak you really are. But then again, do you want your coworkers to know what kind of person you are when it's 3:30am and you've had half a dozen wine spodiodis and twice as many Magic Hats?

Tough call.

Now I'm returning the favor by posting reviews of a few of the blogs that link thecodes.net. I'm writing these Churn-style as Ev would put it - meaning these are half-assed lazy reviews with no real value or content. Hopefully there's a little humor here, but at the very least you're getting a linkback and a handful of hits.

Idle Rantings and Miscellaneous Thoughts
This site is run by a fella named Cecil. I'd totally make fun of his name, but my dead grandfather was named Cecil, and I'm afraid he might return from the grave and beat me about the head and neck with his spindly skeleton hands. The other Cecil (the one who is still alive and writes a blog) likes to drink heavily and write about it. He also likes to talk about icky stuff like vomit and poo. Maybe some people like to read blogs that include poop jokes and puke humor, but I personally don't care for it. Someone's personal bodily functions are none of my business and they are definitely not funny. What's next - a blog entry about sex or masturbation? Gee whiz, I hope not.

Fuck. This charade must end. This site is exactly the kind of shit I dig. Haha - digging shit. There's a visual for you. Ummm... Where was I? Yeah. Okay. Check out Cecil's latest entry where he got shitfaced and drew a dumbtardulous picture of his house using MS Paint. Genius.

Misanthropic Tendencies
Sarah is one of the few bloggers I have met face to face. She wants me to let you know she has "nice titties". She's been doing this whole blogging thing for a long time. In fact, she was one of my first Philly blog connections and we've been buddies ever since. She even met Ev, which says a lot because Ev is a demented pervert I keep locked in the basement and I very rarely let him out for fresh air. He really doesn't mind though. There are pounds and pounds of weed stored down there next to my bong collection.

I Can't Believe He's Still Single
I'm really bad at blog-reading. I can barely keep up with the dozen or so sites that I like to check regularly. And sometimes I'll stop by an old favorite and see that it's gone. That's sorta what happened this time - only I discovered that a certain mystery girl started up an entirely new site.

It's a collection of horrible online personal ads posted by braindead perverts. Good times. I would tell you more about it, but the site is brand new. Check it out for yourself.

Oh yeah... one more thing... the mystery blogger would be disappointed if I failed to mention that she "knows how to give a really good blowjob.... has great boobies too. And back dimples."

The goal of the game was to get as many readers as possible. Then it morphed into a contest to get page views (without posting porn). Page views went up and I figured, "How could I let this traffic go to waste? Time to post a few ads!" Fuck that. Ads don't pay shit anyway.

Somewhere along the line, the game turned into work. I wouldn't post unless I had something I was relatively proud of. My daily posts withered to weekly. Now I'm just bored with the whole thing.

So after reading Ev's post, I made a realization. I'm finally apathetic again. That's what made blogging fun in the first place - I honestly didn't give a shit if anyone was reading. When I started caring, I stopped enjoying the process.

As of today, I no longer care how many people are reading this piece of shit blog. I'm taking down the ads. I'm posting more often. And I'm posting stupid short entries that make me laugh. Fuck it if you can't take a joke.