As most of you already know - I am a complete idiot. This proved to be true a couple weeks ago when I was defrosting my prized possession. Rule #1 when defrosting a fridge or freezer: Let the ice melt; don't try to chip that shit off with a screwdriver.

So as I stupidly chipped away at the ice, I poked a hole in the refrigerant coil. Freon shot out into my face and I raised my hands to block the icy gas. In a split second, I was covered in a frozen oily layer of coolant.

After I cleaned up the mess, Lulu and I started researching. How much would it cost to repair the thing? What could we sell it for? And we had to decide - did it really make sense to have a kegerator in the house when I'm the only one who drinks beer?

The decision: it would cost too much and it would take too much effort to get it fixed. I'll stick to cans of PBR or bottles of Kenzinger. So Lulu offered to help me sell it on Craigslist. I'd take the photos and she'd post the listing. We knew someone would be willing to buy it cheap and try to fix it.

What follows is an email exchange between my wife and a potential Craigslist buyer:

Thursday 7:30PM
From: Steve
I am interested in buying that Kegerator if it is still available. I am going to try and get ahold of someone I know and see how much it would be to fix that punctured coil. I am guessing that it does not work right now correct?? Alright, well let me know if you still have it or if you already sold it off.

Thanks
Steve

Thursday 8PM
From: Lulu
Hi Steve,

Yes, the kegerator is still available. And you are correct, it does not work right now. Although, from what I understand, the puncture is pretty easy to fix if you have the right tools and access to refrigerant. If you would like to set up a time to come see it, let me know.

Thanks!

Friday 2PM
From: Steve
Just keeping you up to date. I am waiting for a phone call back from my refrigerant buddy to ask him about the coil. I am pretty sure 90 percent sure that I will take it

Friday 2:30PM
From: Lulu
Thanks Steve. That sounds great! I can give you the exact address once we finalize something.

At this point, we started to get a lot of email responses to the ad. Several people were willing to buy it for the asking price without hesitation. So on Saturday, one of those buyers stopped by with cash in hand and bought it. It was a little hectic, because we were throwing a party for our daughter the next day, so we didn't get a chance to notify this dude Steve.

Sunday 1:30PM (two full days since we last heard from this guy)
From: Steve
This is steve about that kegarator. Not sure if my messages are going to you or not, but when can we have a time to meet up for this thing?

Sunday 8PM
From: Lulu
Hi Steve,

Sorry I couldn't get back to you earlier, I haven't been online all day because we had our daughter's 1st birthday party. And I regret to inform you that the kegerator is no longer available. Thank you for your interest though.

Kind Regards

Sunday 10PM
From: Steve
That's really lame. You had a buyer and stifted that person. I thought I emailed you letting you know that I was 95 percent sure I was going to take it????? I can't believe it. I wish craigslist had a rating scale so I could rate you poorly for blowing someone off who was going to buy something from you. I don't understand why you would do that to someone.

Sunday 10:05PM
From: Steve
Its not like I was just asking info on it. I was going to buy it from you! You have no idea how upset and pissed I am right now about how rude you are.

What this guy doesn't realize is that my wife is no pushover. She takes this kind of thing very seriously. She believes in the free market, accepts the highest bidder, and she's professional and courteous in her emails... until now.

Monday 10AM
From: Lulu
Are you fucking kidding me? If I waited around for everyone who was "going to buy" something from me on Craigslist I wouldn't be able to sell shit. Maybe you've never bought anything off Craigslist before or maybe you're just young and naive, but nothing is guaranteed until money exchanges hands. It's first come, first serve. I'm sorry you're disappointed, but if you wanted the kegerator so badly, perhaps you should have gotten here a little quicker. You have no idea the amount of emails I received about this item, in addition to the amount of people who were "90% sure" they were going to buy it. Obviously, I found someone who was 100% sure, since I actually sold it.

Now go cry in the corner if you need to, but stop harassing me because you didn't get what you wanted. You have no idea how spoiled and pathetic you sound

Now - I hate to give this guy the last word, but in all fairness, he did respond to my wife's last email. His response is here, with a few of my notes included in brackets.

Monday Noon
From: Steve
Hahaha what a hilarious message. I was 95 percent not 90! Duh!!! [Bullshit. And "duh"? Seriously?] I know I waited too long for my friend to get back to me with the coil question but I didn't think it was gonna go so fast since it was busted. And yes, I but [sic] plenty of things and also sold things on craigslist, but I at least give that person more than a 12 hour chance. [Failed math class, fella? It was 47 hours. So, you know - suck my balls, bitch.] If you had OHH SO MANY emails, ya could of waited a second and let me get back to you. Isn't that why I stayed in contact with you??? Young and naïve, far from it. [Yeah? Perhaps "mentally challenged" would be more appropriate.]

Oh ps, go fuck yourself

And that's the end of the story. My wife chose not to respond. No need to continue the email battle. Instead, I've decided to sign this guy up for every piece of email spam I can find.

• If I wanted to leave my co-worker a quick note, instead of sending an email or an IM, I'd leave a Post-it.
• If I wanted to keep in touch with all my friends, I couldn't just spend a few minutes on MySpace. I'd have to call them and actually talk to them.
• If I wanted to know what movie George Lazenby was in before he was James Bond, I couldn't do a quick search in IMDb. I'd have to ask the movie dork at Blockbuster.
• If I wanted to buy a used guitar, instead of checking Craigslist, I'd thumb through the classified section of the paper.
• If I wrote a funny story and I wanted to share it with my friends, I couldn't post it on a blog. I'd have to print it out a few times and bring it to them.
• If I wanted to know when my favorite bands were heading on tour, I couldn't search Pitchfork. I'd wait for next month's NME.

Okay... That's enough from me... What else?

I read that some lady nabbed a sexual predator on a chat room online. Well I want to do the same thing but I need some help. If you want to help me let me know.
I want to talk to these sexual predators online, from what I hear from my niece, they'll find you in the AOL chat rooms. Then I want to start a email relatinship and wait for him to try to meet me. Then I will try to illicit as much info as possible. When we meet, he meets me. Except I know his work and wife/g/f, family info. Then instead of calling cops, I blackmail him for money.
Anybody want to help? I doubt I'll get in trouble. Who's going to report me? I want someone to help me search the chat rooms, I'll make the confrontation, and we'll split the money.
Anybody interested?

My version:

I want to become a crime fighting vigilante superhero. Can you help me? Child molesters are bad. I want to fight them, but I need help from a total stranger. Are you that total stranger?
It's totally illegal, and we could get arrested. But who would dare turn us in? Although, instead of turning us in to the police, our target may just decide to kill us. Sound like a plan? Are you in? E-mail me if you'd like to be arrested while putting your life in danger based on a stupid Craigslist post.