Fat | The Churning

27Mar/099

I need to start doing some cardio

I've always been a skinny guy. I'd say "thin" or "fit" but that makes it sound too normal. I'm talking skinny - like in an embarrassing way.

So for the past year or so, I've started taking steps to gain a little weight. The right kind of weight. A little muscle mass. I started really slowly by upping my calorie intake and working out. But that didn't do much at all. So I slowly ramped up to the point I'm at today.

I eat as much as is humanly possible (lots of protein and carbs) and lift weights a few times a week. No wasting time on cardio. No wasting calories on desserts or fried foods. Just serious weightlifting followed by protein shakes, veggie burgers, eggs, bagels, etc.

A few months ago it started working. So far I've put on about 20 pounds. I'd guess 15 of that is muscle and the other 5 is fat. Yep. For the first time in my life, I now have love handles. And my belly is starting to stick out a little over my belt buckle.

Time to start adding some cardio to my workout routine. But I don't think I'm ready to cut back on my diet. I'll do that if I ever meet any of the following criteria:

12 signs you need to go on a diet
10 more signs you need to go on a diet

Tagged as: fat, humor 9 Comments

15Oct/080

Fat people are silly

Here's proof from our friends over at My Boss is Dumb.

Tagged as: fat No Comments

9Sep/088

Can you outrun a moped?

This morning, as Lulu and I were driving through Philly on the way to work, we saw the most fucked up chase. Okay, fucked up might not be the right term. Surreal would be more accurate. It was like I was still sleeping and experienced a peculiar dream - only I was clearly awake.

We were heading north on 20th Street near Locust. This is a one way road in the heart of Center City. There were cars everywhere, moving at a pretty brisk pace. Traffic in Philadelphia isn't terrible, so we were all probably doing 30 through the city.

Suddenly, I heard tires screeching. Everyone's brake lights lit up and I slammed on my brakes just in time.

A couple of cars ahead of me, I saw a fat white guy run across the street in front of traffic. He was shirtless, wearing baggy paint-smeared pants with his gut spilling over the edge. He was clenching a shirt in one hand. Dude was really moving too - full on sprinting.

As he made it to the sidewalk, breathing heavy and sweating, I saw that he wasn't just running for his health - he was being chased! A giant black dude came barreling down 20th Street on a moped, going against traffic.

This was all happening within a matter of maybe five seconds. Cars slammed on their brakes, the fat white guy ran across traffic, and the fat black dude was chasing him on a moped.

This guy on the moped was morbidly obese. He got closer to the group of stopped cars, and weaved in between the two lanes. I was then able to get a closer look at him. His giant arms looked like pillows stuffed into the sleeves of a windbreaker, as his fat-covered biceps slapped against the cars' mirrors.

He then rode past us and I caught a glimpse of his face. Sweat dripped down the guy's cheeks. Maneuvering the moped was a real workout for this behemoth. And his tongue... Holy shit that thing was a monster. Dude's tongue was as big as a burrito, dangling out through his fat lips. He was full on panting.

And as quickly as it began, it was all over. The shirtless white guy was gone and the moped guy took off behind us, continuing the chase.

Traffic started moving again, and we continued the commute to work wondering... WTF?

Tagged as: fat, philly 8 Comments

14Jul/085

Pregnant women do not always look beautiful

Chris noticed recently that people always tell pregnant women they look beautiful or gorgeous or radiant. And clearly there's a flaw here. What if the mother-to-be is butt ugly? Perhaps she was a monster to begin with, covered in fat rolls and zits. Just because she got knocked up doesn't mean she suddenly became beautiful (unless you have a preggo fetish).

The way I see it, there are 4 types of pregnant women. Let's assume we're talking about women who are well into their pregnancy.

Same as before
This type of woman gets pregnant, eats healthy, and continues to exercise. Her belly inflates in a smooth, spherical fashion while the rest of her frame stays about the same. She might even go as far as to avoid stretch marks with the proper regimen of body lotion and black magic. This woman's level of attractiveness does not increase or decrease.
Better than before
Obviously some women look even better pregnant. Particularly if they were sort of plain to begin with. In this case, her skin becomes clearer and smoother, her hair gets a little more volume, and her tits balloon to just the right size. This is a woman you may have overlooked before, but suddenly you find yourself wondering what her newly puffed-out nipples look like under her shirt.
Worse than before
Here is the woman that looked moderately attractive to begin with. It's no shock that a dude was interested enough to deposit his seed. But somehow, as the baby started to grow inside her belly, she also started to grow - in all the wrong places. Fat neck, cottage cheese thighs, ankles the size of giant redwoods, etc. This is not a case where you'd instinctively say "Gee, you sure look beautiful." Because if you said it, it would be a lie.
Awful to begin with
This is the woman who announces she's pregnant and every guy within earshot thinks "Man, that dude must have been druuuunk." It's hard to say whether this woman looks better or worse, because you could barely stand the sight of her to begin with. In fact, it might be difficult to tell if she's pregnant or just fat.