So for the past year or so, I've started taking steps to gain a little weight. The right kind of weight. A little muscle mass. I started really slowly by upping my calorie intake and working out. But that didn't do much at all. So I slowly ramped up to the point I'm at today.

I eat as much as is humanly possible (lots of protein and carbs) and lift weights a few times a week. No wasting time on cardio. No wasting calories on desserts or fried foods. Just serious weightlifting followed by protein shakes, veggie burgers, eggs, bagels, etc.

A few months ago it started working. So far I've put on about 20 pounds. I'd guess 15 of that is muscle and the other 5 is fat. Yep. For the first time in my life, I now have love handles. And my belly is starting to stick out a little over my belt buckle.

Time to start adding some cardio to my workout routine. But I don't think I'm ready to cut back on my diet. I'll do that if I ever meet any of the following criteria:

12 signs you need to go on a diet
10 more signs you need to go on a diet

We were heading north on 20th Street near Locust. This is a one way road in the heart of Center City. There were cars everywhere, moving at a pretty brisk pace. Traffic in Philadelphia isn't terrible, so we were all probably doing 30 through the city.

Suddenly, I heard tires screeching. Everyone's brake lights lit up and I slammed on my brakes just in time.

A couple of cars ahead of me, I saw a fat white guy run across the street in front of traffic. He was shirtless, wearing baggy paint-smeared pants with his gut spilling over the edge. He was clenching a shirt in one hand. Dude was really moving too - full on sprinting.

As he made it to the sidewalk, breathing heavy and sweating, I saw that he wasn't just running for his health - he was being chased! A giant black dude came barreling down 20th Street on a moped, going against traffic.

This was all happening within a matter of maybe five seconds. Cars slammed on their brakes, the fat white guy ran across traffic, and the fat black dude was chasing him on a moped.

This guy on the moped was morbidly obese. He got closer to the group of stopped cars, and weaved in between the two lanes. I was then able to get a closer look at him. His giant arms looked like pillows stuffed into the sleeves of a windbreaker, as his fat-covered biceps slapped against the cars' mirrors.

He then rode past us and I caught a glimpse of his face. Sweat dripped down the guy's cheeks. Maneuvering the moped was a real workout for this behemoth. And his tongue... Holy shit that thing was a monster. Dude's tongue was as big as a burrito, dangling out through his fat lips. He was full on panting.

And as quickly as it began, it was all over. The shirtless white guy was gone and the moped guy took off behind us, continuing the chase.

Traffic started moving again, and we continued the commute to work wondering... WTF?

The way I see it, there are 4 types of pregnant women. Let's assume we're talking about women who are well into their pregnancy.

• Same as before
  This type of woman gets pregnant, eats healthy, and continues to exercise. Her belly inflates in a smooth, spherical fashion while the rest of her frame stays about the same. She might even go as far as to avoid stretch marks with the proper regimen of body lotion and black magic. This woman's level of attractiveness does not increase or decrease.
• Better than before
  Obviously some women look even better pregnant. Particularly if they were sort of plain to begin with. In this case, her skin becomes clearer and smoother, her hair gets a little more volume, and her tits balloon to just the right size. This is a woman you may have overlooked before, but suddenly you find yourself wondering what her newly puffed-out nipples look like under her shirt.
• Worse than before
  Here is the woman that looked moderately attractive to begin with. It's no shock that a dude was interested enough to deposit his seed. But somehow, as the baby started to grow inside her belly, she also started to grow - in all the wrong places. Fat neck, cottage cheese thighs, ankles the size of giant redwoods, etc. This is not a case where you'd instinctively say "Gee, you sure look beautiful." Because if you said it, it would be a lie.
• Awful to begin with
  This is the woman who announces she's pregnant and every guy within earshot thinks "Man, that dude must have been druuuunk." It's hard to say whether this woman looks better or worse, because you could barely stand the sight of her to begin with. In fact, it might be difficult to tell if she's pregnant or just fat.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Who calls people a turkey these days anyways?

No, she wasn't even a jive turkey. Just a turkey.

I've worked here for about a month and a half.

I love my job. I love what I do and my boss is cool as shit. BUT WE RARLEY TALK. She doesn't like to "micro-manage". fuckin' sweet.

This is a typical e-mail (not even talking!).

BOSS: "Hey, can you update this part of the web-page?"

ME: "ok"

This girl in the next office got a turkey / ham thing from some kinda store that sells honey baked hams. (I think the store is called "honey baked hams". haha.). I had some and it was awesome. Cookie monster (what I call the girl who works next to me) bought some. Good shit!

Boss walked by and Cookie monster offered her a piece. I say, "Hey, turkey for a turkey!"

She looked at Cookie monster very wide eyed and said, "Did he call me a turkey?"

I got fired.

No I didn't.

Here's the next ten songs I'm listening to on my ipod.

1. Maga Dog - Bob Marley "birth of a legend 63-66"
2. Die, All Right - The Hives "vini vedi vicious"
3. Auto Modown - DEVO "hardcore devo volume 2"
4. We Got Your Money - The Big Boys "the fat elvis"cd
5. The Wolf Is Loose - Mastodon "blood mountain"
6. 20 Eyes - The Misfits - "walk among us"
7. Incubation - Joy Division - "heart and soul 2"cd
8. Too High - Stevie Wonder - "innervisions"
9. Electric Funeral - Black Sabath - "paranoid"
10. Doomed World - Battalion Of Saints - "second coming"

Why does it have this border function? It comes with three borders. One is a heart, another is roses, and then there is this one.

why, why, why?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's true. The infamous JackEbrown is not only a D-list celebrity here in the US; he's also a marginal internet celeb overseas!

It all started with this clip that was forwarded in emails from bored corporate cogs across America. Soon, the big fella was part of a scandalous story that aired on TV news. Then as you all know, he ended up on MADtv's "On the Download."

Now, his moves are making waves in Japan. I asked the jiggly gigolo what he could tell me about his new found Asian fans and here's what he had to say:

I get hit up from dubai,saudi arabia, japan, malaysia....everywhere...

A friend of mine was in Japan and since he was a fat american guy some kids asked him if they knew of me....and they whip out their video ipods and show him my headsprung video. lol That was a moment for me. He said 'Yes I know him...wait til he hears this!'

When Japanese kids have your clip on their video iPods - that's how you know your 15 minutes of fame have begun.  Enjoy it, JackEbrown.  You rock!

That clip still brings us hits. And now, Jack's at it again. This time, he's attempting a salsa striptease. Here's the email he sent:

Thought I'd let you guys have a premiere! LOL You did so well with my last one getting me a Mad TV gig thought i'd submit something new. Let me know what you think!!

JackEbrown

Click the picture to download the new clip.

Robby: Ask her if she likes bologna. What are you putting?

Peter: I asked her what kind of "bosom" she had. It's probably a man.

Robby: Why is it a man?

Peter: 'Cause everyone just makes stuff up on these things. It's probably a man pretending to be a woman. Okay. So picture a fat guy with a little wiener.

Robby: What's a "bosom?"

Peter: It's a nice word for titties.

Robby: Where's Mom?

Peter: What do you mean?

Robby: What do you think she's doing right now?

Peter: I don't know. Screwing her new boyfriend probably.

Robby: I think she's buying us presents.

Peter: Yeah, Robby. Right now she's probably buying us each a car!... It's a man.

Robby: I think it's a woman. I can tell it is.

Peter: What should we write? "I have a big wiener?"

Robby: "I want to poop back and forth."

Peter: What? What does that mean?

Robby: Like, I'll poop into her butt hole and then she'll poop it back into my butt hole. And then we'll just keep doing it back and forth with the same poop.

Peter: Oh, my God. I'm going to put that! "I want to poop back and forth." Oh, God. She's gonna think we're a crazy, perverted person. Ooh! She thinks we're crazy!

Robby: No, tell her like how I said it.

Peter: No, she'll never write back, Robby. We have to sound like we're a man, you know? That's just lame. It's stupid.

Robby: But you said I could do half, and you've done all of them before this.

Peter: Okay, whatever. We're probably gonna get arrested. What do you want me to put?

Robby: Like how I said it.

Peter: "I'll poop in your butt hole... and then you will poop it back... into my butt... and we will keep doing it...

Robby: "back... and forth... with the same poop.... forever."