"wd love to see pix of naked albino men, better if bearded, better still if uncut."

It strikes me as odd that this reader would contact me as a resource for gay albino porn. I'm no expert. And I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). That being said, I have stumbled across some sites that might answer his request. In fact, you can find those by sifting through the comments left on my entry titled "Albino Porn Doesn't Exist."

One additional note: If you have a fetish for albinos, it must be a real challenge to meet someone who can fulfill your fantasies. A foot fetish? Much much easier. Everyone has feet.

That's too long to stand around naked in front of a bunch of dudes. Put your fucking tighty whiteys on and move along, fella.

Now tell me where you think the following drinks belong on this scale:

• Amstel Light
• Appletini
• Car bomb
• Cider
• Cosmopolitan
• Gin and tonic
• Heineken
• Manhattan
• Margarita
• Martini straight up
• Mint julip
• Mojito
• Mudslide
• Pabst Blue Ribbon
• Red wine
• Scotch rocks
• Vodka Red Bull
• Whiskey shot
• Whiskey sour
• White wine

So I wanted to create my own 12 step program for people who want to quit drinking or shooting up or whatever. But this shit ain't easy. I've only gotten to step five so far and now I have writer's block. Here's what I have so far:

Step one: We can have lots of fun
Step two: Theres so much we can do
Step three: It's just you and me
Step four: I can give you more
Step five: Don't you know the time has arrived

Okay, that was a long way to go for a stupid gag. Fuck it.

Also - Travis's roommate wants to know "What's weirder: gay blacks or gay Asians?"

I was thinking that gay might be the new black, but I'm pretty sure black is the new black.

Anyway, it's completely culturally acceptable to make fun of homosexuals - like doing a faux-effeminate voice for comedic effect or calling a dude gay if he refuses to drink a shot of whiskey. Not so with religion or race. I don't think you'd get away with calling a guy "jewy" when he leaves a small tip at a restaurant. And you definitely can't use racial slurs in common conversation. But "gay" - no one seems to complain when that word gets thrown around.

Then again, I guess it's still okay to accuse a guy of "throwing like a girl" or being a sissy.

I don't really have a point here. Just an observation.

HER- "If we have sex again I think my clit may fall off"

ME- "If your clit fell off I would dip it in maple syrup and use it as chewing gum"

US- "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha"

Now this may seem like a perfectly normal conversation, but it got me thinking about how America is filled with huge fallic penises but no giant clits.

What gives?

Washington monument, Mt. Rushmore (except Jefferson), the new Comcast center...ad infinitum...all giant dicks.

Who is running this place? Obviously a bunch of dick lovers.

Don't get me wrong, I love the dick but lets face it, it pales in comparison with the clit.

I say to the white upper class ruling party either accept the fact that you are gay dick lovers, or build some sweet looking structures that look like the mighty and powerfull vagina.

I love the vagina and would be proud to walk into a building in the shape of one and happily push some useless pieces of paper across my slimy desk. Georgia O'keefe would be proud, and you could build elevators that started on the ground floor and went down.

Here's something that might help: Work Friendly. It's a web tool that makes regular websites look like a word document. And if your boss sneaks up behind you, he won't immediately realize you're surfing. You'll have plenty of time to hover over the "Boss Key" on the top left, which switches the web page to a screen full of bland corporate-speak.

Happy surfing, fuckers.

Comment spammers are silly fucks.  For some reason, they've set their spambots to attack The Churning, even though Askimet cockblocks them every time.  Usually, we get a dozen or so spam comments each week, but over the past three days we've snubbed more than a thousand dummy comments.

Being under attack sucks, but there's one positive spin to this story.  Before this recent shitstorm, the spam around here had been deadly-dull.  "Discount valium", "bargain viagra", "penis enlargement pills"...  I was beginning to think spammers had no imagination.  At least this time I was entertained.  Check out a few snippets from recent spam comments.  These are actual excerpts:

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bleed lesbains mrs carmen hayes mrs sanders video clemens my galleries

Sexxxy!  Thank you for piquing my interest, spammers.  Now go home, insert a catheter into your tiny cock, and pour Drano into the tube.

Frankie and I moved into an apartment in Orlando after I graduated college. I had a shitty job working in a drug store and Frankie had a 9 to 5 office job. We'd come home from work, get drunk, watch basketball, play darts, etc. Then one day things got a little more exciting.

Frankie had just gotten home from work. I was already working on my second beer when he came through the door. As soon as he walked in, he quickly shut the door, turned off the living room lights and started pointing frantically at the TV.

"What?"
"Shhhh..." He whispered, "Turn it off!"

I was totally confused, but I hit the button on the remote. It didn't stop there. Frankie got down on his hands and knees in the dark, right next to the front door.

I wanted to ruin whatever retarded joke he was trying to pull.

"Dude, what the fuck?"
He continued to whisper. "Shut the fuck up, man. Down! Down!"
"Fucking tell me."
"Titties, man" He said, "Titties!"

I got down on my hands and knees.

He crawled over toward the window on the side of our apartment and crouched under the sill, out of sight. He told me that as he pulled into the parking lot downstairs, our next door neighbor was leaning out of her front window, smoking a cigarette... topless!

"Which one?"
"The hot brunette!"

I immediately crawled into the kitchen and reached up to turn off that light too. Frankie popped his head up and looked through the living room window over toward our favorite neighbors' apartment.

"Whaddaya see?"
"Nothing."

I looked through the kitchen window. "Bingo!" Our neighbor had finished her cigarette and was apparently back to what she was doing before her little smoke break: ironing in the buff.

I shit you not. She was completely naked, ironing clothes in her kitchen. Frankie scurried over to catch a glimpse. More than a glimpse actually. It was a fucking spectacle. It was almost like she was putting on a show for us.

And the show got even better. Her girlfriend lived there too. A cute blond chick. And of course, she shared her partner's exhibitionistic tendencies. She came strutting out of their bedroom toward the kitchen - buck fucking naked.

The chatted and ironed and drank wine and watched TV and smoked cigarettes. After a few minutes it was obvious that they didn't care who was watching or not watching. They had nothing to hide. Frankie tried to be sneaky about it.  We got up slowly and turned the TV back on, acting like it was another normal evening. But every couple of minutes, we'd look over and see that they were still in there. Still naked. Still hot.

After that night, it was really no big deal. We even had conversations with the brunette on occasion as she leaned out the window to smoke with her funbags dangling. I wonder why they didn't feel threatened by us or why they weren't worried we might be staring at them CONSTANTLY. Maybe they thought we were gay. Fuck.