The Churning
23Oct/082

Gonna be the first on Google

I'm trying to think of a word that doesn't yet exist on Google. That way, if anyone ever searches for that word, they'll end up here. Too bad every fun word I can think of has already been invented. Here's a list of my first attempts. This turned out to be a surreal exercise in free association. For extra credit, I decided to make up definitions for them.

  • fuckstatic - I'm imagining the softcore porn channels that were blocked on old school cable TV, making them come in all distorted and fuzzy.
  • shitfist - No, not fisting. That's creepy and weird. This could be where you dip your fist in dogshit then punch someone in the face. See? Much less creepy than fisting.
  • spackleface - I have no idea how this popped into my head. Maybe this is when someone gets so much plastic surgery done that their face looks like it was plastered on their head and smoothed over with sandpaper (i.e. Michael Jackson).
  • shitcase - This is easy. It's a vessel for shit. I don't know why someone would want to carry shit with them, but if they wanted to they could tote it in a shitcase.
  • bitcheteria - Hmmmm... Maybe a high school cafeteria full of prissy cunts.
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1Oct/084

Reverse Keyword Search

Whenever I come up with an idea for an invention or a new online tool, inevitably I find out my idea already exists. Someone else always beats me to it.

Last month, I thought - It's a pain in the ass to remember my username and password for every website I've ever joined. I got into the habit of storing them locally on a spreadsheet, but even that is cumbersome. It would be so much easier if they were all accessible through one website, a sort of central portal: links to my favorite online stores, banking, message boards, etc along with my various usernames and passwords. Then I did a little digging. And of course it already exists. Passpack. Check it out if you're interested.

This month I was onto something different. It's geared towards webmasters. If you run a website and you want to know where you rank for a certain search term, all you have to do is Google it. But what if you want to know where you rank for a bunch of different search strings?

In 2005 when I started this site, I'd Google The Churning periodically to see where I ranked, and each time I'd see my rank increase due to my SEO efforts. Then I began to notice people were arriving at my site with all kinds of weird search terms. I could Google those search strings one by one to see where I ranked for each. But yesterday I thought - Wouldn't it be great if there were a way to find out every search string that had me listed as the top result? I wanted to create a reverse keyword search. And as usual - it's already out there. And it's fucking awesome. SEODigger.

After you register at the site, type in your web address and select "Full search for domain name". You can run 10 searches every hour (restricting this helps reduce the number of concurrent searches, allowing the results to load faster). The results are typically outdated by about two weeks, so while it is a very useful tool, your actual ranking might be slightly different. Regardless, what I discovered was fantastic.

Out of every website on the fucking planet, Google thinks I'm the number one resource for albino porn. And that's good because it's sorta true. I have never personally posted or linked directly to albino porn, but I did write a post on the subject. And what I found is that albino porn really does exist. You just have to sift through the comments on my post to find it.

So this got me thinking... What search strings rank high for my online pals? I ran a few SEO digs and discovered:

So tell me - What search terms put you in the top 20?

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18Sep/0810

Time for a Redesign

If you're a regular reader, I'm sure you can tell things have changed around here. I've upgraded to Wordpress 2.6.2 and loaded/modified a new website template. So I figured this would be a good opportunity to stroll down memory lane. Beware - this is going to be a bunch of nerdspeak.

The Churning started as a Blogger site, with black text on a red background. Very difficult to read. After a couple of months I moved everything over to Wordpress, where there is a seemingly infinite variety of templates. I chose a simple one and tweaked just about everything: the colors, the fonts, the header graphic, etc. That led to the first screenshot here.

That version of the site launched in spring 2005. The header featured the Philly skyline, with a blood red sky. Sorta morbid I guess. I took that picture in the evening, when the buildings are lit up, then tweaked it in Photoshop and added a logo. Early on, I thought I'd write more about philosophy, music, stories of personal turmoil, etc. But instead I was having more fun posting embarrassing stories and humor links. So the dark and gloomy look began to feel out of place.

Also - my first attempt was designed to allow readers to have 800 resolution without making the site look squished. The result of course, was a terribly skinny two-column blog with a ton of empty black space in the borders.

My next effort was a complete 180. Instead of using a massive jpg header, unique colors for each page section, and jpg images for every text header, I chose to go with white on black and a small gif header logo. And I created the header in Illustrator as a vector graphic in my own handwriting, to make it look a little more fun and silly than the previous site style.

And of course I began designing to allow a minimum of 1024 resolution. Anyone using 800 could still read the main column anyway. These screenshots were taken in 1280 so you can see the borders.

That black on white layout didn't last long. It was way too boring and plain for my taste. This next design stuck around for a while. I spiced it up with a little more color and added a full header graphic. The background in this header is a macro zoom of a photo I took of the side of a Yuengling keg (hence the red stripe). I matched the red from the keg to add in the background color and h2/h3 font colors for the site.

Most of the basic layout remained the same, though I did add a few plugins to the right nav like Recent Comments and Top Commentators. Looking back, I still like the design, I just needed a change.

Which brings us to the current layout. I recently upgraded to Wordpress 2.6.2 - my first widget enabled Wordpress install (yeah, I was way behind the curve). That opened up a lot of opportunities for additional sidebar widgets like the ones I'm using now: the updated Recent Comments, an RSS feed, Archive Dropdown, and Users Online, etc. I've also enabled a few more plugins like Recent Posts, Similar Posts (on post pages, not Home), and Ad Rotator.

This new layout is based on BlackSplat by Sam. It's more subdued than the last one, and I think it's cleaner too. I kept the keg theme in the header graphic, but used a shot without the red stripe. The updated logo is now red again.

I also moved the upper nav buttons below the header, allowing the main page content to sit a little bit higher on the page. That change slightly increased the available real estate "above the fold". You'll also notice that this layout is slightly more complex than the basic two-column layout I had been using. There are two columns near the top of the page, and three columns below that area.

Behind the scenes, I have a couple other plugins running to optimize the site: All in One SEO Pack and WP Super Cache. These should help Google index the site more accurately and efficiently, while helping the site to load faster.

So now that I'm done updating the look and feel, I really need to start focusing on content again...

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21Jul/081

Build Your Brand

Okay slackers - If you have any level of motivation in life, any desire to move up the corporate ladder, it would behoove you to start building your brand. In this case, your name is your brand. And you want to give your name value.

If personal online branding is new to you, it might seem like a load of bullshit. But I'm telling you, a company is far more interested in hiring a known quantity than risking salary space on a nobody. And not only that - it's just cool to see your name in Google search results.

This info will come in handy if you're the type of person who has handed in a resume with your email address listed as hotwhore69@hotmail.com. Or maybe your potential employer Googled your name and the only search result was a page listing "The drunkest douchebags on campus, class of 2002". You can fix all that in a few simple steps.

  1. Get a real email address
    You'll need to put it on your resume. And of course, you'll use it to keep in contact with your potential employers - to send your resume and cover letter, and to send a thank you note after the interview. hardcorepothead@gmail.com won't suffice. Try firstname.lastname@gmail.com. And if that doesn't work, try lastnamefirstnamemiddleinitial@gmail.com (that's the one I use), or any combination of those elements.
  2. Register a URL
    I use GoDaddy. Try to get firstnamelastname.com. And if that's taken, try firstname-lastname.com (That's the one I registered). Try to steer clear of .org and .net URLs if at all possible. Owning a .com shows you put some effort into it. You could buy a hosting package and create a website with your resume and some links to relevant websites, etc. Or just do what I did - redirect your URL to your online professional profile at LinkedIn.
  3. Join a professional networking site
    Speaking of LinkedIn... you can use a professional networking site to build your online resume. LinkedIn is leading the pack on this one, with features similar to MySpace or Facebook, but geared towards the workforce. Make sure to add everyone you can think of so your profile gets as much visibility as possible. I've joined all the sites listed below, and my firstname-lastname.com URL redirects to my public LinkedIn profile.
    LinkedIn
    Plaxo
    ZoomInfo
    spoke
    XING
  4. Write a decent resume
    Update your resume, adding your professional email address and URL. Add that newly spiced-up resume to every professional networking site you can find. Make sure to link back to your URL from all of your online profiles so you increase your Google page rank (where you show up in web searches). It's not terribly difficult to get Google to notice you, but it does take time. Be patient.
  5. Keep your personal profile private
    If you have a MySpace or Facebook profile, make sure to mark it "private". You have to assume that anytime you apply for a job, at least one of the interviewers is going to run a search for you on personal networking sites. It's just natural curiosity. It's best to build up your professional online presence and keep your personal life private. You don't want the hiring manager to see an old picture of you guzzling a Bud Light through a beer bong while dressed in a Mighty Mouse costume.

That's about it. Good luck - and let me know if you have any other tips.

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28May/084

Search Strings, Volume 1

The Churning used to get a decent amount of traffic from friends and regular readers. That's been dying down a bit for various reasons. Now our main source of traffic is from search engines. We're getting hundreds of hits each day from Google, Yahoo, AOL, etc. And somehow, it appears that nearly every search string has to do with sex, porn, masturbation, or shitting. Actually, I should replace the word "somehow" with "obviously" in the previous sentence.

Here's a list of the last 20 search strings that led to The Churning (all from this morning) along with a stupid comment from JJ about each one (Yes I just referred to myself in the third person. Bite me.):

  1. HI, my fantasy is have my penis and my balls cutted off by hand woman.
    I really have no idea what this one's all about. Poor grammar and masochistic tendencies. Dude, relax.
  2. where are my taste buds
    I assume this one led to the post about my fucked up taste buds. But that reminds me... Sometime I should really tell you the story about the time my nephews shaved their tongues with a straight razor to see if they could still taste food.
  3. guys that love porn
    This one's obvious. In general, guys love porn.
  4. do women like fellatio
    Again, this one makes sense. It's a question for the ages. Do women consider giving head a chore?
  5. now does porn movies only with her boyfriend
    I assume this was in reference to someone specific. Not sure.
  6. nipples pinch pull extreme pics
    I have nothing of the sort here. In fact, I don't think I've ever discussed this topic. Sounds kind of disturbing actually.
  7. cock shaving before after
    Ummmm... Yeah...
  8. protruding nipples
    Interesting. I've discussed the exact opposite before - inverted nipples. Does Google have an antonym algorithm?
  9. my girlfriend likes to suck cock
    Good to know. Thanks for sharing.
  10. women like it stiff
    Really? What a surprise.
  11. albino porn
    It really does exist.
    Check out the link(s) in the comments section of this entry.
  12. building a log cabin euphemism
    I ended the list of shit euphemisms at 133. That's a lot of poo talk.
  13. how many times a day is it normal to poo
    The consensus answer is somewhere around two or three times a day.
  14. VIGINA HAIR STYLES
    One of my all time favorite topics.
    I'll excuse the poor spelling.
  15. spanking masturbating
    This search probably led to my list of masturbation euphemisms.
  16. do women like big cocks
    No. Size doesn't matter. Good luck in your search for love, Tiny.
  17. stroking the monkey
    Either this web surfer is into choking his chicken, or he's got an illegal exotic pet.
  18. dreams that your boyfriend is looking at porn
    Yes, guys like porn. Get over it.
  19. do girls like to give blow jobs
    Based on the comments to the post on this topic, it doesn't appear that any generalizations can be made. Some girls dig it, others don't. But all girls like to have their clit licked. That's just a known fact.
  20. why do guys seem to prefer porn to real sex
    They don't. You're just ugly.
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