Blame My Niece
A few years ago... maybe in 2004 or so... my niece Jill told me that she communicated with her friends primarily through instant messaging. She would sit at her computer for hours just typing away to other teenagers out there in internetland somewhere. I thought it seemed weird. Why wouldn't they just talk on the phone like normal people?
Then a couple months later, my pal Ev told me about his blog. He and his friends were posting personal stories and whatnot on some random website every day for complete strangers to read. Super odd. Why would anyone want to share their personal shit with the world? And who cared enough to read about it?
And around that same time in my life, I had one email account that I checked maybe once a week. If someone needed to reach me, it would be more efficient to drive to my house and knock on my door than to email me. They'd get a faster response anyway.
I really don't know what changed, but it happened very quickly. I joined Ev's blog, then another, then started my own. I set up separate email accounts for my various websites. I tested the waters with a few different instant messaging systems. Blah blah blah.
Now I'm fucking addicted. I have a cell phone that buzzes every time I receive an email to any one of my 5 email accounts. I have profiles on who knows how many social networking sites (MySpace is the only one I pay any attention to). I communicate via IM every chance I get. I far prefer it over the phone. In fact, my entire relationship with my fiancee Lulu was forged via IM. And even when I do use my phone, I almost always send a text message instead of calling.
I have a few friends that are like me in this sense. Web addicted. And there are others who still check their email maybe once a week or don't necessarily respond to emails when they read them. Somehow I've lost that ability. If I get an email, I usually respond within minutes.
I really had no idea where I was going with all of this rambling... but I just thought of a good way to wrap this all up: If you are my friend and I don't call you as often as I probably should, maybe try sending me an email or a text. Or look for me on Google chat. Or hit me up on MySpace. Or leave a comment on my blog. I'll respond.
How to Increase Your Google PageRank
How to increase your Google PageRank:
- Step one: Get all your blogfriends to link your website. Make sure the name of your website is part of the text in their hyperlinks.
- Step two: Return the favor by sending a handful of readers in their direction.
It really is easy. Well, step one is sort of easy anyway. All you have to do is send an email to any of your dorky friends who have their own websites saying something along the lines of "Hey, link up my website you silly goose. The Codes will one day rule the earth, muthafuckas!"
Step two feels like an aching hemorrhoid. You know you're going to need to get that fucker lanced eventually, but instead, you just keep living with the itch and rubbing cream on it every once in a while. Okay, that simile sucks. Too bad. You're not going to get much better from me on a Monday morning.
Anyway, a bunch of my friends linked my band's website and now it's payback time.
MacBros’ PlaceThis guy's a real problem. First of all, he's got a fetish for middle fingers. I think he likes to use his flip off finger for the ol' dirty sanchez. I swear I do not know from experience. That's just the word on the street.
The other thing that bothers me about this guy is his Canadian heritage. When I was a kid growing up in the south, adults always warned us youngsters to steer clear of Canadians. There's just something shady about them. Take one look and you'll know what I'm talking about.
Oh - And if you're ever completely bored, you can watch this Canadian sit on his couch and guzzle beer in his underwear. Yippee!
Pointless DrivelYou know how I just implied that MacBros is a real freak of nature with an attitude problem? Well, this next guy is the pile of shit festering in MacBros underwear. He goes by the name "Mr. Fabulous", which reminds me of Paul Orndorff. I wonder if Fab knows he stole his nickname from a washed up wrestler/Florida bowling alley owner.
Shit, I just remembered. I'm supposed to be pimping Pointless Directives, not Pointless Drivel. Both sites are run by the Anti-Christ, and both are laden with bullshit. But there's one major difference: Pointless Drivel gets crazy traffic, while Pointless Directives has a small devoted audience of Islamic fundamentalists (it's only real function is to allow Al Qaeda sleeper cells to pass messages back and forth). Subhan Allah wa Bihamdih!
The Trouble with AngelsI'm not sure why Diane and Mel call their site "The Trouble with Angels". I think maybe it's based on the porn movie with the same title. The film is uber-hardcore, with a vague plotline about two mentally challenged women who escape from an institution and go on a muderous rampage while boning every man in their path. It's a real heartwarming adventure tale.
One of the more popular series' over at TTWA is the Dead Guy on the Sidebar. It's morbid fun that rewards people who have a little bit of knowledge and some mad Google skills. I played along for a while, but never came close to guessing the right answer. And I'm a poor loser. I think at some point, if you lose enough times Diane shows up at your doorstep with a chainsaw and you become the next "dead guy".
Jamaican Pussy Hairstyle
I was hanging out with my parents and a few other family members in NYC this past weekend. We went out to dinner, had a few drinks, and stayed overnight at a swanky hotel.
First thing Sunday morning, I woke up, stumbled over to my laptop, and logged on to check my email. I received notification that someone left a new comment on my old post about vaginal hairstyles. The commenter asked, "is there anybody with link or explanation how jamaica pussy hairstyle looks like?"
You know me... I'm naturally curious, so I immediately googled "jamaican pussy hair". Nothing. I checked urbandictionary.com. Nothing. So I gave up and continued my day.
A little later, my mom wanted to check her email so I offered to let her use my computer. She sat down at the laptop and was about to log in to gmail, when she noticed my failed search in the Google toolbar.
At that moment, my mother realized something:
I'm the kind of guy who will surf for porn within two minutes of waking up.
Googlebombing Really Works
It's time for a little link love. A couple of months ago, I asked The Churning Loyalists to link up my band's website, thecodes.net. See, the website had a zero pagerank, and it wasn't anywhere near the top results when Googling the codes. Keep in mind, I wasn't looking for hits. I just wanted people to be able to find us if they were actually looking for us. 30 linkbacks later, and we're number one on Google when searching for the codes. Googlebombing works!
Now I'm returning the favor by posting reviews of a few of the blogs that link thecodes.net. I'm writing these Churn-style as Ev would put it - meaning these are half-assed lazy reviews with no real value or content. Hopefully there's a little humor here, but at the very least you're getting a linkback and a handful of hits.
Idle Rantings and Miscellaneous Thoughts
This site is run by a fella named Cecil. I'd totally make fun of his name, but my dead grandfather was named Cecil, and I'm afraid he might return from the grave and beat me about the head and neck with his spindly skeleton hands. The other Cecil (the one who is still alive and writes a blog) likes to drink heavily and write about it. He also likes to talk about icky stuff like vomit and poo. Maybe some people like to read blogs that include poop jokes and puke humor, but I personally don't care for it. Someone's personal bodily functions are none of my business and they are definitely not funny. What's next - a blog entry about sex or masturbation? Gee whiz, I hope not.
Fuck. This charade must end. This site is exactly the kind of shit I dig. Haha - digging shit. There's a visual for you. Ummm... Where was I? Yeah. Okay. Check out Cecil's latest entry where he got shitfaced and drew a dumbtardulous picture of his house using MS Paint. Genius.
Misanthropic Tendencies
Sarah is one of the few bloggers I have met face to face. She wants me to let you know she has "nice titties". She's been doing this whole blogging thing for a long time. In fact, she was one of my first Philly blog connections and we've been buddies ever since. She even met Ev, which says a lot because Ev is a demented pervert I keep locked in the basement and I very rarely let him out for fresh air. He really doesn't mind though. There are pounds and pounds of weed stored down there next to my bong collection.
I Can't Believe He's Still Single
I'm really bad at blog-reading. I can barely keep up with the dozen or so sites that I like to check regularly. And sometimes I'll stop by an old favorite and see that it's gone. That's sorta what happened this time - only I discovered that a certain mystery girl started up an entirely new site.
It's a collection of horrible online personal ads posted by braindead perverts. Good times. I would tell you more about it, but the site is brand new. Check it out for yourself.
Oh yeah... one more thing... the mystery blogger would be disappointed if I failed to mention that she "knows how to give a really good blowjob.... has great boobies too. And back dimples."
Link Love for The Codes
I have a proposition for you. If you accept, your website will get a link here at The Churning, which has a 5/10 page rank. But first, let me start by admitting I totally stole this idea from blog maven Tricia, who runs Tricia's Musings.
Most of you know that in addition to The Churning, I also run a website for my band, The Codes. The trouble is - that site isn't really a blog (even though we do add new content on a regular basis). And since it's not a blog, it doesn't have a blogroll. And since it doesn't have a blogroll, it's not easy to trade links with people like I do here.
No links for The Codes = zero Google page rank = low search engine rankings. Basically, I'm fucked. That's where Tricia's solution comes into play.
I want you to include a link to The Codes website (http://thecodes.net/main) in one of your upcoming blog posts. In exchange, I will include your site in a blog review here at The Churning. And I promise the review will be positive. I don't necessarily need you to tell people to visit http://thecodes.net/main, or add the site to your blogroll, or even post the link prominently. This is all about page rank, not exposure.
The easiest way to participate would be to make a passing reference to my band in one of your blog entries. Like "So I was masturbating this weekend and suddenly I started thinking about JJ's band The Codes. I came immediately." You know, something like that. After you publish your post, email thechurning[at]gmail[dot]com to let me know (or just leave a comment here on this post).
And while you're at it, be our friend on MySpace. All the cool kids are doing it.
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