Speaking of gay
I went into the locker room at the gym the other day to change into my workout clothes. The entire locker room process takes me maybe 2 minutes. That entire two minutes, a dude stood there in front of a locker completely naked, fucking around with his gym bag and clothes.
That's too long to stand around naked in front of a bunch of dudes. Put your fucking tighty whiteys on and move along, fella.
As good a reason as any I guess…
Our hot water heater stopped working on Saturday. A plumber came out to fix it. It's a new high efficiency unit - and it's under warranty. The dude diagnosed the problem and had to order a part. The part should be here tomorrow.
So this morning after several days without hot water, waking up to a cold shower every day, we joined a gym. They have showers there.
The end.
Let’s Call Him “Freak”
Time for another Gay Neighbor Story...
Okay - Here goes... I was living in Tampa Florida, in a part of town called Ybor City. It's like Tampa's version of Bourbon Street - a hangout for drunks, hooligans, gangs and people like me.
Momo and I lived in an apartment complex that I used to refer to as "the compound." The place was locked up like Fort Knox, and it had everything you'd need to survive within its walls. There was a rec room with a pool table and a massive big screen with theater style seats. There was a gym, on site dry cleaning, and a convenience store with beer and freshly made hoagies. And of course... there was a pool.
I was working overnights at the time, so I was home alone during the day. I got into the habit of buying a sixer and a hoagie at the shop, and taking it down to the pool area. I'd hang out down there, trying to get a little sun while getting a good buzz going. That's when I first ran into... damn... I can't remember his name... let's call him "freak."
Freak walked up to me at the pool and introduced himself. He was wearing a full three piece suit.. at noon.. in Florida.. by the pool.. in the middle of summer. I chatted with him for a few minutes, because I find freaks interesting. Dude had dark skin and curly hair. His face was kind of jacked up - all pockmarked and splotchy. He told me he was Greek. He bragged about his Armani suit, his world travels, and his uber-expensive furniture he was having flown in from Paris.
We didn't talk long, but I ran into him again... and again... and again. I think he knew my schedule and was stalking me a little. I mean, he always met me at the pool, and he was always wearing a suit. I know what you're thinking. Yes I told him I was married and I mentioned Momo several times. I naively assumed he just thought I was cool and maybe he didn't have any friends.
At one point, he invited me to see his apartment. I assumed he just wanted to show off his collection of expensive suits and his Parisian furniture. My curiosity got the better of me. I honestly wanted to see how this freak lived. What kind of creepy shit was this guy into?
But when he opened the door to his place, I could see it was totally empty. No couch. No TV. No bed. Nothing. He muttered something about "those fucking French furniture jerks." Then he explained that he never sleeps at home because he's always out partying all night.
I made up some excuse, telling him I had plans that afternoon and had to head back to my place. As I walked away, he called my name. I stopped and he approached me awkwardly. Then he asked me out on a date. I think he said he wanted to take me to dinner. I pointed at my wedding ring and said, "Dude, I told you I'm married."
In all honesty, I wasn't upset. I figure I sort of led him on by hanging out with him. But I swear it was simply out of curiosity. Freaks interest me.
Soon I’ll be a Great Big Fat Person
I quit the gym. I'm just a skinny fella, and I joined a gym a few months back to gain a little weight. I started eating a shitload of protein and worked out a few times a week. But laziness quickly set in. I haven't been back to the gym in over a month.
Yesterday, I cancelled my membership. However, I do have a fucked up workout plan. I doubt it'll help me build muscle, but hopefully it'll help keep me from fattening up too much.
Here's the daily plan which I've already begun:
- Eat a breakfast with protein (eggs).
- Work for at least 8 hours, sitting in my cube.
- Eat lunch (this isn't easy for me - work's been busy)
- Head home.
- Spend several hours on the internet.
- Drink several beers.
- Eat a huge dinner.
*Now here's where the workout begins* - Do 30 pushups.
The 30 pushups thing is at least mildly insane. Every night before bed, I take the dog out for a piss. I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building, so that trip involves a 15 second elevator ride down and one more 15 second trip back up.
I've recently discovered I can do about 15 pushups in 15 seconds... in the elevator. It's pretty late when I take the dog out, so it's rare that anyone hops in there with us.
The elevator isn't very big. I have to position myself diagonally to have enough room for my workout. I'm able to tell when the elevator is stopping at the ground floor. I always hop up and try to act normal when the door opens. So far, no one has caught me in the act. But I do have a few unanswered questions:
- Is there a security camera in the elevator?
- Can the security guard at the front desk see me doing pushups?
- Will 30 pushups keep me from getting fat?
- Does my dog think I'm completely insane?
- Am I?
- Did you catch my reference to Silence of the Lambs?
In Like Flynn
Just a few thoughts today, in no particular order:
- I'm a huge fan of superlatives. Two posts in a row had the word "best" in the title. And I just said I'm a "huge fan." I could've said, "I like to use superlatives sometimes." Honestly, that's just how I talk. A typical conversation with me at dinner might go a little like this:
