A list of my phobias

I'm not a superhero... yet. You never know. It could happen. One day I just might strap on a mask and run into a bank trying to thwart a robbery attempt. And if no robbery is happening at that point, maybe I'll get arrested. And once I'm in jail, maybe I'll be violently assaulted by hardened criminals. Wait, I'm getting off track here. What I'm trying to say is, a superhero's life is unpredictable and full of excitement.

And if I ever do decide to become a superhero, I will surely be the best ever. Compared to me, Superman will look like a weirdo in blue tights and greasy hair with an ugly woman posing as his girlfriend. Which is what he is. But still.

So with all my greatness, I don't think it's fair to the evildoers of the world. I'll need to take a handicap, like in golf, or racquetball, or rheumatoid arthritis. My handicap is this: I'm going to reveal a full list of my phobias. My arch-nemesis can use this to try to destroy me. They won't win because I'm so awesome, but they can try.

1. Heights
   Fortunately I can't fly. I'll be a very grounded superhero. Like a vigilante homeless person on PCP. Any time I climb a ladder taller than 3 steps I start crying. Then I fall into a fetal position on the ground and cover my face. After about ten minutes I'll come out of it and slowly pull myself together. That's plenty of time for my nemesis to strike. But good luck trying, dipshit! I'm still a badass!
2. Spiders
   The little ones. Not the big furry ones. I can see the big furry ones and I can run from them. I worry about the little ones though. They could crawl into my ear canal while I'm sleeping and have sex in there and lay eggs and create entire colonies and take over my brain and turn me into a spider-zombie. Not in a cool way like Spiderman. In a shitty way. Like a zombie that shoots webs out of its ass and eats bugs.
3. Pubic hair
   The kind that are attached to a woman's body and trimmed and clean are fine. It's when a pube strand escapes from its host and lands on a urinal or a bathroom floor. That's fucking nasty. Once, I saw a pubic hair on my plate at a restaurant. Maybe it was stuck to the waiter's hand after a piss. Or maybe the cook put it there to fuck with me because he could tell I'm such a tough guy. Who knows. The mystery alone put me into a deep sleep. I passed out right there at the table and woke up 4 hours later face down in my plate, with spaghetti in my eyes and nose. I nearly died! I can't believe everyone just left me there sleeping in my food. With a pube right next to my face!
4. Feces
   Poop makes me vomit. Every time I drop logs, I have to flush immediately, before I catch a glimpse or a whiff. If I happen to smell the faint odor of a shit or a fart, I collapse in violent convulsions. It's a lot like epilepsy without the shaking. My nemesis would have a clear advantage in a fistfight with me if he were to smear human poo all over his hands before throwing the first punch. A poop punch. I just puked in my lap thinking about it.

So there you have it, folks. I'm laying all my cards on the table. One day I'll buy myself a badass superhero costume and hit the streets. And my enemies will already know my secrets. But it ain't gonna help, fuckers! Cuz I'm the bees knees and I'll take you out with a single eye-poke.

Meat is so versatile

Meat is the only food you can mold into different shapes to create totally unique meals. Take a giant pile of raw meat, shape it into little spheres, cook that shit, and you have meatballs. Mush the meat into a long thick roll, cook it, and you have meatloaf. The same goes for chicken nuggets and fish sticks.

You can't do that shit with bread. Breadballs? Nope. Breadloaf? Hardly - bread is naturally in loaf form. How about corn? Cornballs? That's a fucking insult, not a food. Orangesquares, avacadotriangles, cabbagetrapezoids? Ridiculous.

Though I am a little confused. People form meat into all kinds of shapes and cook it, but they don't always name it after the shape they created. No one calls hot dogs "meatsticks". And you wouldn't refer to a hamburger as a "meatcircle" or a "meatdisc". I think you should. It's so much more descriptive. Next time you're at the ballpark watching a game, make sure to order a meatstick and a meatcircle. They'll appreciate your clarity.