Your Momma’s so Fat – She Cries Herself to Sleep at Night

In honor of the final installment of Friday Night Flip Off over at MacBros' place, we here at The Churning are beginning a new series: Fuck Off Fridays.

See, Ev and I instant message each other periodically and the conversation nearly always turns to pure hatred in the form of harsh insults. We've decided to post these IM conversations in their entirety. We'll post them on Fridays whenever we fucking feel like it. So it may happen as often as once a week - or as infrequently as once a year. Deal with it.

Ev: Have you seen Grandma's Boy yet?
JJ: not yet
JJ: it's on my netflix list
Ev: I hate you so much that when I bleed there are little j's in my blood.
JJ: i hate you so much that i burn you in effigy each night before bed
Ev: I hate you so much that I once hired a guy who looked like you to commit suicide.
JJ: i hate you so much that i killed a man in prison just because he was wearing glasses that looked like yours
Ev: I hate you so much that I once pissed on JJ walker, because you share the same moniker
JJ: i hate you so much that your face reminds me of my own feces
Ev: I hate you so much, I slept with your wife. And she gave me a highfive!
JJ: you're hung like an acorn
Ev: You're not even a man.
JJ: your chest hair is in the shape of a giant cock
Ev: You constantly smell like of cheap male-whores and virginia slims.
JJ: you shaved your asshole and glued the hair to your chin
JJ: "soul patch" indeed
Ev: You once ate an entire horse cock and asked for seconds.
JJ: you drive like my grandmother
Ev: You ARE your own grandmother!
JJ: your momma's so fat - she cries herself to sleep at night out of shame
Ev: You once shoved a penis into your anus with such force that you broke the sound barrier.
JJ: your breath smells like cock
Ev: You once waited outside your boyfriend's house for 3 hours in the rain, holding a boombox over your head.
JJ: you have sex dreams about bea arthur
Ev: You once had a three way with Charlie Izuzu and Ted Danson.
JJ: you use your vacation time to sit at home alone for two weeks crying, watching soap operas, and eating ice cream
Ev: You once excitedly went to a rock show, because you misread the flyer (you also can't read) and thought it said "Cock show"
JJ: the smell of farts makes you cream in your jeans
Ev: You still say sayings like "cream your jeans"
JJ: you still love to jerk off three times a day
Ev: You once called your dad and had phone sex with him.
JJ: dammit
Ev: I just lowered the boom on you, good sir.
JJ: no shit
JJ: fuck

Anal Warts the Size of Chicken Nuggets

Ev: You're the king of anuses
JJ: you're the prince of gaynesses
Ev: You're one lb of asshair.
JJ: you're half a pound of colostomy bag feces
Ev: you're 10lbs of jizz in a 2lb condom.
JJ: you're half a liter of stomach bile in a dirty beer mug
Ev: you're three removed testicles short of manhood
JJ: your ass smells of old coffee grounds and pennies
Ev: you eat the dongs of 1,000 camels
JJ: you jerk off your neighbor's dog and drink the semen for breakfast
Ev: You use ass nuggets as spreadable topping on your breads baked from urine dough.
JJ: you chew dingleberries like they are wrigley's spearmint
Ev: You have sex with the rotting maggot infested innards of a dead cow.
JJ: you suck the farts out of a dead boar's ass
Ev: You drank your own urine and ate your own fecal matter for 2 straight years.
JJ: you re-ingest vomit after you upchuck because you don't want to waste good food
Ev: You drive twenty miles out of town to have sex with 35 gay men. They run the train on you.
JJ: you saw "the accused" and secretly wished you were jodie foster's character
Ev: You called up Michael Jackson and asked him if he knew of any good little boys for you to molest.
JJ: you and mcauley culkin are best friends
Ev: You and Colin Farrell like to have ghey buttsecks after shit contests
JJ: you listen to kid rock - and you like it
Ev: You watch reruns of "The Simple Life" and worship Paris Hilton as the smartest person in the world.
JJ: you joined a fraternity even though you're not in college because you wanted to get paddled on your bare ass and have circle jerks
Ev: You raped a bum because you thought it would be fun, only to find out you now have herpes and crabs.
JJ: you're jealous that i have herpes and crabs because you've never had sex and you can only imagine what std's feel like
Ev: Your nickname in the locker room in highschool was "Reach-Around JJ" and also "Limp-dick"
JJ: you get a hard-on every time you watch re-runs of columbo because you think columbo is hot as fuck
Ev: You secretly crave Ryan Seacrest's man meat
JJ: you openly crave ryan seacrest's man meat
Ev: lame. you copycat.
JJ: you left it open for me
Ev: You had sex with Regis Philbin and it was the ultimate sexual experience for you.
JJ: you spent all your money on edible panties. you wear them every day then eat them for dinner
Ev: You blew Jabba the Hutt. And swallowed.
JJ: you shaved your back hair and superglued it to your chin
Ev: You ate your pubes with some fava beans and a nice chianti
JJ: you drank multiple miggs' jizz - then he said "i can smell your cunt"
Ev: You let Dr. Chilton feel your balls and then he said "ugh gross, uh nevermind."
JJ: you tucked your cock and balls between your legs and showed jamie gumb. he laughed at you.
Ev: You and Clarice Starling had a trist, she was VERY unsatisfied.
JJ: you begged a hooker to stomp on your balls for money and she said she didn't want to get nut slime on her shoes. you cried yourself to sleep that night.
Ev: You gave your own mother herpes of the genitals.
JJ: you have anal warts the size of chicken nuggets
Ev: Your testosterone levels are so low, that you are clinically a woman.
JJ: you were a hermaphrodite. you chose to keep your vagina but live as a man
Ev: On your trip to Thailand you were raped by pirates. You thoroughly enjoyed the experience and wrote a terrible, sappy love story screen play revolving around your love for "Bean Dick, The Pirate".
JJ: you collect your sweat in mason jars all summer, storing them in your basement until winter when you drink them all at once in a ceremony you call, "loving myself."
Ev: Once you ate an entire elephant cock.............raw.
JJ: you drive a cavalier
Ev: you live in a ghey apartment.
JJ: you're retarded, but you've managed to fake your way through life by imitating clint eastwood
Ev: You are the long lost cousin of Sloth.
JJ: you comb your hair every night before bed because you want to look handsome in your man-sex dreams
Ev: You were once abducted by aliens, but they were so repulsed by your anal cavity that they commited suicide.
JJ: you masturbate to the movie "cocoon."
Ev: You once inserted a hardboiled egg into your rectum, shat it, and then ate it.
JJ: you tried to have sex with your little puppy dog but her vaginal cavity was way too big for your needle dick
Ev: Post this.
Ev: The entire thing.

Dickleshit

Ev IM'ed me the other day. This is the entire conversation:

Ev: chump!
JJ: dork
Ev: loser
JJ: fartsack
Ev: meatknocker
JJ: baloneysmoker
Ev: fauxhawkwearer
JJ: assbagdrinker
Ev: gaylord
JJ: poopiehead
Ev: crapdoodle
JJ: shitfactory
Ev: pissdrinker
JJ: pickleface
Ev: dickleshit
Ev: smoke break
JJ: later