The Churning » insults

Your Momma’s so Fat – She Cries Herself to Sleep at Night

JJ — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 04:23:55 +0000

In honor of the final installment of Friday Night Flip Off over at MacBros' place, we here at The Churning are beginning a new series: Fuck Off Fridays.

See, Ev and I instant message each other periodically and the conversation nearly always turns to pure hatred in the form of harsh insults. We've decided to post these IM conversations in their entirety. We'll post them on Fridays whenever we fucking feel like it. So it may happen as often as once a week - or as infrequently as once a year. Deal with it.

Ev: Have you seen Grandma's Boy yet?
JJ: not yet
JJ: it's on my netflix list
Ev: I hate you so much that when I bleed there are little j's in my blood.
JJ: i hate you so much that i burn you in effigy each night before bed
Ev: I hate you so much that I once hired a guy who looked like you to commit suicide.
JJ: i hate you so much that i killed a man in prison just because he was wearing glasses that looked like yours
Ev: I hate you so much that I once pissed on JJ walker, because you share the same moniker
JJ: i hate you so much that your face reminds me of my own feces
Ev: I hate you so much, I slept with your wife. And she gave me a highfive!
JJ: you're hung like an acorn
Ev: You're not even a man.
JJ: your chest hair is in the shape of a giant cock
Ev: You constantly smell like of cheap male-whores and virginia slims.
JJ: you shaved your asshole and glued the hair to your chin
JJ: "soul patch" indeed
Ev: You once ate an entire horse cock and asked for seconds.
JJ: you drive like my grandmother
Ev: You ARE your own grandmother!
JJ: your momma's so fat - she cries herself to sleep at night out of shame
Ev: You once shoved a penis into your anus with such force that you broke the sound barrier.
JJ: your breath smells like cock
Ev: You once waited outside your boyfriend's house for 3 hours in the rain, holding a boombox over your head.
JJ: you have sex dreams about bea arthur
Ev: You once had a three way with Charlie Izuzu and Ted Danson.
JJ: you use your vacation time to sit at home alone for two weeks crying, watching soap operas, and eating ice cream
Ev: You once excitedly went to a rock show, because you misread the flyer (you also can't read) and thought it said "Cock show"
JJ: the smell of farts makes you cream in your jeans
Ev: You still say sayings like "cream your jeans"
JJ: you still love to jerk off three times a day
Ev: You once called your dad and had phone sex with him.
JJ: dammit
Ev: I just lowered the boom on you, good sir.
JJ: no shit
JJ: fuck

Anal Warts the Size of Chicken Nuggets

JJ — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 17:40:34 +0000

Ev: You're the king of anuses
JJ: you're the prince of gaynesses
Ev: You're one lb of asshair.
JJ: you're half a pound of colostomy bag feces
Ev: you're 10lbs of jizz in a 2lb condom.
JJ: you're half a liter of stomach bile in a dirty beer mug
Ev: you're three removed testicles short of manhood
JJ: your ass smells of old coffee grounds and pennies
Ev: you eat the dongs of 1,000 camels
JJ: you jerk off your neighbor's dog and drink the semen for breakfast
Ev: You use ass nuggets as spreadable topping on your breads baked from urine dough.
JJ: you chew dingleberries like they are wrigley's spearmint
Ev: You have sex with the rotting maggot infested innards of a dead cow.
JJ: you suck the farts out of a dead boar's ass
Ev: You drank your own urine and ate your own fecal matter for 2 straight years.
JJ: you re-ingest vomit after you upchuck because you don't want to waste good food
Ev: You drive twenty miles out of town to have sex with 35 gay men. They run the train on you.
JJ: you saw "the accused" and secretly wished you were jodie foster's character
Ev: You called up Michael Jackson and asked him if he knew of any good little boys for you to molest.
JJ: you and mcauley culkin are best friends
Ev: You and Colin Farrell like to have ghey buttsecks after shit contests
JJ: you listen to kid rock - and you like it
Ev: You watch reruns of "The Simple Life" and worship Paris Hilton as the smartest person in the world.
JJ: you joined a fraternity even though you're not in college because you wanted to get paddled on your bare ass and have circle jerks
Ev: You raped a bum because you thought it would be fun, only to find out you now have herpes and crabs.
JJ: you're jealous that i have herpes and crabs because you've never had sex and you can only imagine what std's feel like
Ev: Your nickname in the locker room in highschool was "Reach-Around JJ" and also "Limp-dick"
JJ: you get a hard-on every time you watch re-runs of columbo because you think columbo is hot as fuck
Ev: You secretly crave Ryan Seacrest's man meat
JJ: you openly crave ryan seacrest's man meat
Ev: lame. you copycat.
JJ: you left it open for me
Ev: You had sex with Regis Philbin and it was the ultimate sexual experience for you.
JJ: you spent all your money on edible panties. you wear them every day then eat them for dinner
Ev: You blew Jabba the Hutt. And swallowed.
JJ: you shaved your back hair and superglued it to your chin
Ev: You ate your pubes with some fava beans and a nice chianti
JJ: you drank multiple miggs' jizz - then he said "i can smell your cunt"
Ev: You let Dr. Chilton feel your balls and then he said "ugh gross, uh nevermind."
JJ: you tucked your cock and balls between your legs and showed jamie gumb. he laughed at you.
Ev: You and Clarice Starling had a trist, she was VERY unsatisfied.
JJ: you begged a hooker to stomp on your balls for money and she said she didn't want to get nut slime on her shoes. you cried yourself to sleep that night.
Ev: You gave your own mother herpes of the genitals.
JJ: you have anal warts the size of chicken nuggets
Ev: Your testosterone levels are so low, that you are clinically a woman.
JJ: you were a hermaphrodite. you chose to keep your vagina but live as a man
Ev: On your trip to Thailand you were raped by pirates. You thoroughly enjoyed the experience and wrote a terrible, sappy love story screen play revolving around your love for "Bean Dick, The Pirate".
JJ: you collect your sweat in mason jars all summer, storing them in your basement until winter when you drink them all at once in a ceremony you call, "loving myself."
Ev: Once you ate an entire elephant cock.............raw.
JJ: you drive a cavalier
Ev: you live in a ghey apartment.
JJ: you're retarded, but you've managed to fake your way through life by imitating clint eastwood
Ev: You are the long lost cousin of Sloth.
JJ: you comb your hair every night before bed because you want to look handsome in your man-sex dreams
Ev: You were once abducted by aliens, but they were so repulsed by your anal cavity that they commited suicide.
JJ: you masturbate to the movie "cocoon."
Ev: You once inserted a hardboiled egg into your rectum, shat it, and then ate it.
JJ: you tried to have sex with your little puppy dog but her vaginal cavity was way too big for your needle dick
Ev: Post this.
Ev: The entire thing.

The coolest indie rock band ever:

Ev — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 16:25:34 +0000

Ev: You have sex with the anus of a camel.

JJ: you have the anus of a camel

JJ: oh shit... nevermind

Ev: ha ha ha you just burned yourself.

JJ: i just said i have sex with your camel anus

JJ: i had a dream last night that you and i were in a band with jimmy and maine

JJ: that's me and three bass players!

Ev: fuck yes!

Ev: We could call ourselves "The Bassiest!"

Ev: And you would have a reverse mohawk

JJ: and u would have a camel anus

Ev: which you would then fuck.

JJ: hahahahaha

Ev: You know what I've always wondered?

JJ: if u are gay

Ev: No, I know that. I've always wondered where the penis ends and the vagina begins.

JJ: in infinite time and space

Ev: Like some sort of cosmic dick joke.

Ev: Oh man, that's our band name: Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for "COSMIC DICK JOKE!"

JJ: yes!!

Ev: And our first song would be "Come on Saturn"

Ev: innuendo abounds!

JJ: "a trip to uranus"

Ev: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Hell"

JJ: "astronauts are fags"

Ev: "Jesus rode my red rocket"

Ev: "Kirk had the clap"

JJ: "spock likes to toss salad"

Ev: "Nobody likes a searing hot cum shot, said the Sun"

JJ: "yoda has a hard-on"

Ev: "A long long time ago, in a pair of huge giant space balls"

JJ: "sometimes space gets lonely"

JJ: "who shit in my air hose?"

Ev: "Oh my God(s), I can't breathe (because you fucked my mother in the face)"

JJ: "g-force causes bowel cramping"

Ev: "Ridiculously long space name (because we're pretentious indie rock)"

Ev: "Crushing Black Infinite Vagina"

JJ: we could play at a summer festival called "lollapadickjoke"

Ev: fuck yes!

Ev: and our logo would be a giant cock stencil and inside of it would be space and stars and the moon and shit.

JJ: "eating macaroni salad aboard the international space station gives me gas"

JJ: "i lit a spliff on pluto"

Ev: "My oh my, Moon, gimme your pie"

JJ: "the moon man fucked your mother"

Ev: "Venus likes to rock the ganj"

Ev: "David Bowie Oddessy"

JJ: "there's no man on the moon - that's just my giant cock"

Ev: "The darkside of Uranus"

JJ: hahaha

JJ: hahahaha

JJ: hahaha

JJ: i can't stop

Ev: "I fell into a burning ring of Saturn's vulva" -A Johnny Cash Tribute

JJ: "the smell of fish in this giant space ship"

JJ: "...it's just your cooch"

Ev: "Bitch, you betta worm my hole" feat. Skiggy D

JJ: "stink finger space monkeys"

Ev: "blackhole tickling"

JJ: "terrible fits of depression on mars"

Ev: "Burning sensations in Uranus"

JJ: "alien love affair - is it a gay thing?"

Ev: "We're nail'em Aliens"

JJ: "suicide in the cosmos with my dick in my hand"

JJ: "space station masturbation" - it rhymes!

Ev: "Eurethra Eureka"

JJ: "jizz in my space suit"

Ev: "Everything is weightless in space (except for your fat ass)" - Country tribute

JJ: "a tear in my space beer"

JJ: "god is my co-pilot - in HELL!"

Ev: That's a great one!"

Ev: I'm drawing up the logo.

Ev: I'm posting all of this.

Over $600?!?!

JJ — Thu, 02 Mar 2006 04:31:01 +0000

Someone sent me a link to a charity bachelorette auction because I sort of know one of the ladies. I want to make fun of it. I want to be cruel and insensitive. I want to be spiteful. I just happen to enjoy that type of humor. But I hesitate. I just can't bring myself to publicly insult someone I actually know.

However, you do not have the same obligation, the same innate sense of guilt. So all I will do is post the description along with a link. (She's the fourth one down.) If you choose to pick it apart and throw in some insults, I have no control over that.

Dawn earned a Bachelor of Science in Telecommunication Arts from Butler University (Broadcast Journalism & Production) with a minor in Political Science Dawn is the 8am producer for Good Day Tampa Bay on FOX13. Dawn has a wide range of interests: bicycling, scuba diving, traveling, writing, crossword puzzles, reading, trivia, history, learning new things, music, movies and wine. She also enjoys watching: basketball, boxing and hockey. A major interest is also laughter – it really is the best medicine! Dawn became a world traveler at the age of 16. That fueled her lifelong sense of adventure. Her optimism and adventurous spirit compel her to try anything once, like: stand up comedy, theater, living on a tropical island for a year, and the Jeopardy contestant test. She enjoys living in the Bay area and takes advantage of the great weather by bicycling on Bayshore Boulevard, and driving around – top down – in her convertible, year-round. Dawn has a large group of fun-loving friends, and she is writing a book in her spare time.
Looking for in a date? He should be adventurous, have an imagination and a kind heart. A sense of humor is a MUST!

A limo will arrive at your home provide by Turner Productions. You and Dawn head off to the St. Petersburg Times Forum for an evening of filled with excitement! You and Dawn will party, party, party..., and enjoy food, fun and drinks at the XO Club while watching the Tampa Bay Lightning “Beat up” the New York Rangers.

ESTIMATED DATE PACKAGE VALUE: Over $600

Dickleshit

JJ — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 14:14:34 +0000

Ev IM'ed me the other day. This is the entire conversation:

Ev: chump!
JJ: dork
Ev: loser
JJ: fartsack
Ev: meatknocker
JJ: baloneysmoker
Ev: fauxhawkwearer
JJ: assbagdrinker
Ev: gaylord
JJ: poopiehead
Ev: crapdoodle
JJ: shitfactory
Ev: pissdrinker
JJ: pickleface
Ev: dickleshit
Ev: smoke break
JJ: later

Whenever I Get Depressed: Part II

JJ — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 13:59:56 +0000

Ev now has the cutest dog of all time.

It's sort of ironic for a guy like Ev to get a cute little dog. It's kind of like a huge guy in prison having the nickname "Tiny."

I need to give you a little background info before I move on. Ev is a regular freakshow over at Quietwater and he's a frequent contributor here at The Churning. Ev's dangerous. Ev's huge. He once lifted me over his head as a show of strength (and no we were not naked at the time).

Let me put it this way: If you accidentally step on Ev's toe while you're in line at the bank, you should apologize. He may not say anything at the time. He might even quietly walk out of the building like nothing happened. But if you don't apologize, you probably should hang out in the bank for like an hour before you leave. You know, give him some time to forget about it. Trust me.

That's why it surprised me when Ev IM'ed me to say he was getting a sweet little girly puppy dog.

Ev: we're getting another dog.
JJ: sweet
JJ: boy or girl
Ev: girl
Ev: chihuahua
JJ: you're gay
Ev: Dear JJ:
Ev: Fuck you.
Ev: Sincerely,
Ev: Ev
JJ: hahaha
Ev: I'd rather have girls because boys make the lipstick come out and hump things.
JJ: true
JJ: red rockets are gross
Ev: and I don't need that shit in my house.
Ev: I don't need some chihuahua dick giving me penis envy.

Ahhh, okay... I'm not going to comment on that last line there.

Enough beating around the bush. On with the pics:

This is Ev:

This is his new dog, Daisy (I like to look at this picture whenever I'm feeling a little depressed):

Told you! Cutest dog ever. Here's what Ev had to say about it.

Dude, HD

JJ — Tue, 30 Nov 1999 00:00:00 +0000

Back in the old days before I moved away, Ev and I used to work in the same office complex. We IM'ed somewhat frequently, usually to plan a smoke break. Our conversations were always very sparse, consisting of as little actual dialog as possible. But we included a full conversation in that short amount of text. Here's an example, followed by a translation:

Ev: Dude
JJ: Duuuuude
Ev: http://www.whiteninjacomics.com/comics.shtml
JJ: Rock on
Ev: Time?
JJ: Time
Ev: HD
JJ: HD

Translation:

Ev: Hey JJ, how's it going?
JJ: Man, you wouldn't believe the shitty day I'm having.
Ev: Damn. Well this'll cheer you up. There's a fucking hilarious new White Ninja comic today.
JJ: Cool, thanks. Wow, I just checked it out. You're right, it's funny as hell.
Ev: Whaddaya say we take a break from the daily grind and have a smoke?
JJ: Hell yes. I need a break.
Ev: I'm heading down.
JJ: Cool, me too. See you downstairs.

I miss those smoke breaks.