Movies | The Churning

19Apr/094

80’s Movies: Which ones stand the test of time?

Breakin 2 movie poster Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo was on TV the other night. I was feeling nostalgic so I gave it a shot. As a kid, I loved this movie. I know it sounds ridiculous now, but back then I was genuinely impressed by the breakdancing scenes and some of the old school rap (it wasn't old school at the time). Trouble is - the movie completely sucks.

I was a goofy white boy who thought I was watching a movie about tough urban street kids. In reality, it's a piece of shit fantasy story about effeminate kids who dress like Olivia Newton John and prance around to awful copycat 80's hip hop. It's a fucking musical. Sure they don't sing, but every five minutes the characters start dancing around for no reason to music only they can hear.

In one awful example, "Turbo" is deep in thought - worrying about how he's going to woo some hot little piece of ass. How does he solve his dilemma? He dances by himself in some sort of kiddy clubhouse and ends up defying gravity by dancing on the walls and ceiling. The scene goes on way too long and makes no sense in the narrative. It's bullshit I tell you!

So clearly this movie does not stand the test of time. 25 years after it was released, this embarrassment of a film stinks like a pile of rotting dogshit. Let's look at a few other examples to see how they stack up. Please feel free to add to the conversation by leaving your comments.

Back to the Future
If you know me at all, you know I am a huge BTTF fan. Hate on the sequel all you want, but the original is an American classic. Marty McFly's mom tries to fuck him. Then Marty invents rock n' roll (Chuck Berry stole it from him)! This movie is insanity. In a good way. I'll never get sick of it.
Beetlejuice
This movie is a classic. And Tim Burton is a genius. Still, I can't sit through it anymore. It's boring. Maybe it's one of those movies that's only good the first time around, when it's still novel. Lame.
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
Terrible. Keanu was sort of funny when this first came out. Now his character just seems sad. And that other guy is utterly forgettable. On the plus side, George Carlin is in it. Then again, he was also in Jersey Girl.
The Breakfast Club
Fucking brilliant. All the major archetypes of high school cliques are represented. It's an ensemble movie that takes place in one afternoon of detention. The result is an hour and a half of dialog about teen angst. Some of it feels very real and timeless - and the parts that feel dated at least bring about a little 80's nostalgia.
Breakin'
Piece of shit. Unless you've never heard of breakdancing, you'll hate this movie. If you've lived under a rock the past 25 years, you might think you're learning a bit about urban street dancing. In that case, kill yourself now because you've also missed out on cell phones and the Internet.
The Dark Crystal
Ummm... yeah. Maybe your five year old kinds might dig it. Then again, today's fantasy children's movies make this one look like a street corner puppet show.
Dirty Dancing
This one's great!.. If you're an ugly chick or a gay dude.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Finally we've got another good one on the list. This guidebook for mischievous teens still makes me laugh. So many memorable lines and over-the-top moments. Definitely a classic.
Flight of the Navigator
Aside from the title, I barely remember this one. Is this the movie with Pee Wee Herman's voice as the spaceship? I think it might be okay. I'm not sure.
Ghostbusters
Yes! Goddamn fantastic. The effects probably look ridiculous, but the humor is badass. Bill Murray is a legend, and Rick Moranis unexpectedly steals the show.
The Goonies
Why don't they make kids movies like this anymore? The characters curse and play pranks on each other and break countless laws... and in the end they are rewarded for their imagination and curiosity. I'm not fucking around when I say this is one of the best movies ever. Fucking ever.
Gremlins
I'm pretty sure this one was never good to begin with. The movie is sort of a clean cut sci-fi horror type thing that centers around some cutesy Ewok looking creatures. The characters explain the "rules" in a werewolf/vampire sense (silver bullet, stake through the heart, etc). In this case, the creatures aren't supposed to get wet, can't be exposed to direct sunlight, and can't eat after midnight or else some crazy shit will happen. All three of these rules are broken in the movie without consequence.* The fucking basis of the entire movie fails because of horrible scriptwriting and planning. Dogshit.
The Karate Kid
Sweep the leg, Johnny! Wax on, wax off. I haven't seen this one in a while either, but I'd guess it's still good. So memorable - so much nostalgia. How could you go wrong?
Princess Bride
Everyone loves this movie. It was great when it came out and it's still great today. The difference here is that this movie was written and directed to be a classic, not just some summer blockbuster for teens. It's a work of art.
Revenge of the Nerds
Oh man I hate to say this... but... This movie sucks a fat one. The tired stereotypes of the nerd and jock and gay dude and pervert have been so overdone since this movie came out that it makes this one look terribly out of date. Though I will admit this movie is more edgy than its modern counterparts. Could a current movie get away with depicting a black gay nerd as a limp-wristed javelin thrower?
Sixteen Candles
Another classic. Great soundtrack, decent acting, hilarious storyline. I don't even care that the movie's central character is a teen girl, dudes still find this one funny.
Weird Science
How many of these fucking movies have Anthony Michael Hall in them?!? Then again, this one also has Bill Paxton and Robert Downey Jr. Must be okay, right?

*From IMDb "We learn... that they multiply with water. Yet they can still walk around in the snow (frozen water) and drink beer and soft drinks (water based) without any signs of multiplication... Sunlight kills mogwais. Yet, when Billy takes one of the "newborns" to his biology teacher, both the one he brings and the one that spawns off it are sitting in direct sunlight from the window blinds... Mogwai can't eat after midnight, yet it's never established when they can start eating again."

Tagged as: movies, pop culture 4 Comments

11Jan/091

11 Life Lessons from The Big Lebowski

Everyone should aspire to be just a little bit more like The Dude. Here are some ways you can get started.

Tagged as: advice, movies, pop culture 1 Comment

10Dec/089

Unless everything can get worse, it won’t get any better

Choke book cover I just finished reading Choke, a book by Chuck Palahniuk. He's the guy who wrote Fight Club. The two stories have a lot of the same themes: chaos and order, addiction, 12 step programs, group therapy, death, etc.

The big difference here is sex. Lots and lots of sex.

The main character is a sex addict who works at a colonial theme park (imagine Colonial Williamsburg). The high points - or perhaps low points - involve anal beads, role-play s&m style rape, public restroom sex, and step by step tips for joining mile high club with complete strangers. The narrator is a former med-school student, so he talks about all of these activities in graphic detail. This is a novel that clearly belongs on the high school summer reading list. It's got more valuable info than health class.

There's also the sub-plot that gives the book its name, where the main character intentionally chokes on his food to get attention (and money).

All of this apparently stems from the way the guy was raised. His mother told him all kinds of shit when he was a kid. Some of it seems crazy, and some of it seems like true words of wisdom. Here's an example:

People had been working for so many years to make the world a safe, organized place. Nobody realized how boring it would become. With the whole world property-lined and speed-limited and zoned and taxed and regulated, with everyone tested and registered and addressed and recorded. Nobody had left much room for adventure, except maybe the kind you could buy. On a roller coaster. At a movie. Still, it would always be that kind of faux excitement. You know the dinosaurs aren't going to eat the kids. The test audiences have outvoted any chance of even a major faux disaster. And because there's no possibility of real disaster, real risk, we're left with no chance for real salvation. Real elation. Real excitement. Joy. Discovery. Invention.
The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom.
Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace.
Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better.

Good shit. Reminds me of my frequent ruminations on good vs. evil. It's what keeps The Churning in motion.

Tagged as: movies, philosophy, reviews, sex 9 Comments

10Nov/0810

Back to the Future Part II Anachronisms

back to the future II I'm sitting here watching Back to the Future 2 and I noticed that the Robert Zemeckis 1989 vision of the future doesn't exactly mesh with reality. I realize it's only 2008, but I'm ready to pass judgment right fucking now.

Picture this: It's the year 2015. Marty McFly has traveled from 1985 to try on some Nike 2015's while checking out Jaws 19 at the Holomax. There he is skating around on his hoverboard, trying as hard as possible not to fuck up the space-time continuum.

Amidst all the futuristic shenanigans, I began to pick up on some inconsistencies.

Here's a brief list:

No cell phones
The 2015 version of Marty has a videophone that is projected on what appears to be a VHS quality pull-down screen - but not a cell phone. Marty's daughter (also played by Michael J Fox) has some sort of device on her face at some point. It looks like sunglasses with an small video screen attached. I'm not sure if that is some sort of futuristic communications device or a movie player. Either way - no cell phones.
Fax machines
In one scene, Marty's boss fires him during a videophone conversation, and for added emphasis he sends the message via fax. They're using fax machines - in 2015! Note: Marty has at least three fax machines in his home office. Stupid.
Thermal printers
That fax machine I was referring to? It still prints on 80's era thermal paper.
No LCD or plasma TVs
Marty McFly Jr. watches picture in picture, which is pretty cool I guess. But he does it on a shitty projection screen. No HD, no plasma, no LCD. Fuck that.
No modern video games
Marty plays a first-person shooter video game in the 80's cafe. It has a gun attached with a cable to the stand-up console and some sort of 32 bit graphics display. Not an anachronism certainly (it is the 80's cafe after all). However, there are no references anywhere to modern video games.
No iPods, mp3 players, or even CDs
While Marty's old-school cassette tape Walkman is a major factor in Part I (1985 and 1955), not one character listens to any type of portable music device in 2015. I guess the iPod becomes passe sometime between 2008 and 2015.
The Cubs finally win another World Series
At one point, a holograph display shows a congratulatory billboard for the Cubbies beating Miami in the 2015 World Series. One character implies that this is the first series the Cubs have won in more than 100 years. Oh wait. This is totally accurate. Though 2015 my be too soon.