I was a goofy white boy who thought I was watching a movie about tough urban street kids. In reality, it's a piece of shit fantasy story about effeminate kids who dress like Olivia Newton John and prance around to awful copycat 80's hip hop. It's a fucking musical. Sure they don't sing, but every five minutes the characters start dancing around for no reason to music only they can hear.

In one awful example, "Turbo" is deep in thought - worrying about how he's going to woo some hot little piece of ass. How does he solve his dilemma? He dances by himself in some sort of kiddy clubhouse and ends up defying gravity by dancing on the walls and ceiling. The scene goes on way too long and makes no sense in the narrative. It's bullshit I tell you!

So clearly this movie does not stand the test of time. 25 years after it was released, this embarrassment of a film stinks like a pile of rotting dogshit. Let's look at a few other examples to see how they stack up. Please feel free to add to the conversation by leaving your comments.

• Back to the Future
  If you know me at all, you know I am a huge BTTF fan. Hate on the sequel all you want, but the original is an American classic. Marty McFly's mom tries to fuck him. Then Marty invents rock n' roll (Chuck Berry stole it from him)! This movie is insanity. In a good way. I'll never get sick of it.
• Beetlejuice
  This movie is a classic. And Tim Burton is a genius. Still, I can't sit through it anymore. It's boring. Maybe it's one of those movies that's only good the first time around, when it's still novel. Lame.
• Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
  Terrible. Keanu was sort of funny when this first came out. Now his character just seems sad. And that other guy is utterly forgettable. On the plus side, George Carlin is in it. Then again, he was also in Jersey Girl.
• The Breakfast Club
  Fucking brilliant. All the major archetypes of high school cliques are represented. It's an ensemble movie that takes place in one afternoon of detention. The result is an hour and a half of dialog about teen angst. Some of it feels very real and timeless - and the parts that feel dated at least bring about a little 80's nostalgia.
• Breakin'
  Piece of shit. Unless you've never heard of breakdancing, you'll hate this movie. If you've lived under a rock the past 25 years, you might think you're learning a bit about urban street dancing. In that case, kill yourself now because you've also missed out on cell phones and the Internet.
• The Dark Crystal
  Ummm... yeah. Maybe your five year old kinds might dig it. Then again, today's fantasy children's movies make this one look like a street corner puppet show.
• Dirty Dancing
  This one's great!.. If you're an ugly chick or a gay dude.
• Ferris Bueller's Day Off
  Finally we've got another good one on the list. This guidebook for mischievous teens still makes me laugh. So many memorable lines and over-the-top moments. Definitely a classic.
• Flight of the Navigator
  Aside from the title, I barely remember this one. Is this the movie with Pee Wee Herman's voice as the spaceship? I think it might be okay. I'm not sure.
• Ghostbusters
  Yes! Goddamn fantastic. The effects probably look ridiculous, but the humor is badass. Bill Murray is a legend, and Rick Moranis unexpectedly steals the show.
• The Goonies
  Why don't they make kids movies like this anymore? The characters curse and play pranks on each other and break countless laws... and in the end they are rewarded for their imagination and curiosity. I'm not fucking around when I say this is one of the best movies ever. Fucking ever.
• Gremlins
  I'm pretty sure this one was never good to begin with. The movie is sort of a clean cut sci-fi horror type thing that centers around some cutesy Ewok looking creatures. The characters explain the "rules" in a werewolf/vampire sense (silver bullet, stake through the heart, etc). In this case, the creatures aren't supposed to get wet, can't be exposed to direct sunlight, and can't eat after midnight or else some crazy shit will happen. All three of these rules are broken in the movie without consequence.* The fucking basis of the entire movie fails because of horrible scriptwriting and planning. Dogshit.
• The Karate Kid
  Sweep the leg, Johnny! Wax on, wax off. I haven't seen this one in a while either, but I'd guess it's still good. So memorable - so much nostalgia. How could you go wrong?
• Princess Bride
  Everyone loves this movie. It was great when it came out and it's still great today. The difference here is that this movie was written and directed to be a classic, not just some summer blockbuster for teens. It's a work of art.
• Revenge of the Nerds
  Oh man I hate to say this... but... This movie sucks a fat one. The tired stereotypes of the nerd and jock and gay dude and pervert have been so overdone since this movie came out that it makes this one look terribly out of date. Though I will admit this movie is more edgy than its modern counterparts. Could a current movie get away with depicting a black gay nerd as a limp-wristed javelin thrower?
• Sixteen Candles
  Another classic. Great soundtrack, decent acting, hilarious storyline. I don't even care that the movie's central character is a teen girl, dudes still find this one funny.
• Weird Science
  How many of these fucking movies have Anthony Michael Hall in them?!? Then again, this one also has Bill Paxton and Robert Downey Jr. Must be okay, right?

*From IMDb "We learn... that they multiply with water. Yet they can still walk around in the snow (frozen water) and drink beer and soft drinks (water based) without any signs of multiplication... Sunlight kills mogwais. Yet, when Billy takes one of the "newborns" to his biology teacher, both the one he brings and the one that spawns off it are sitting in direct sunlight from the window blinds... Mogwai can't eat after midnight, yet it's never established when they can start eating again."

The big difference here is sex. Lots and lots of sex.

The main character is a sex addict who works at a colonial theme park (imagine Colonial Williamsburg). The high points - or perhaps low points - involve anal beads, role-play s&m style rape, public restroom sex, and step by step tips for joining mile high club with complete strangers. The narrator is a former med-school student, so he talks about all of these activities in graphic detail. This is a novel that clearly belongs on the high school summer reading list. It's got more valuable info than health class.

There's also the sub-plot that gives the book its name, where the main character intentionally chokes on his food to get attention (and money).

All of this apparently stems from the way the guy was raised. His mother told him all kinds of shit when he was a kid. Some of it seems crazy, and some of it seems like true words of wisdom. Here's an example:

People had been working for so many years to make the world a safe, organized place. Nobody realized how boring it would become. With the whole world property-lined and speed-limited and zoned and taxed and regulated, with everyone tested and registered and addressed and recorded. Nobody had left much room for adventure, except maybe the kind you could buy. On a roller coaster. At a movie. Still, it would always be that kind of faux excitement. You know the dinosaurs aren't going to eat the kids. The test audiences have outvoted any chance of even a major faux disaster. And because there's no possibility of real disaster, real risk, we're left with no chance for real salvation. Real elation. Real excitement. Joy. Discovery. Invention.
The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom.
Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace.
Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better.

Good shit. Reminds me of my frequent ruminations on good vs. evil. It's what keeps The Churning in motion.

Picture this: It's the year 2015. Marty McFly has traveled from 1985 to try on some Nike 2015's while checking out Jaws 19 at the Holomax. There he is skating around on his hoverboard, trying as hard as possible not to fuck up the space-time continuum.

Amidst all the futuristic shenanigans, I began to pick up on some inconsistencies.

Here's a brief list:

• No cell phones
  The 2015 version of Marty has a videophone that is projected on what appears to be a VHS quality pull-down screen - but not a cell phone. Marty's daughter (also played by Michael J Fox) has some sort of device on her face at some point. It looks like sunglasses with an small video screen attached. I'm not sure if that is some sort of futuristic communications device or a movie player. Either way - no cell phones.
• Fax machines
  In one scene, Marty's boss fires him during a videophone conversation, and for added emphasis he sends the message via fax. They're using fax machines - in 2015! Note: Marty has at least three fax machines in his home office. Stupid.
• Thermal printers
  That fax machine I was referring to? It still prints on 80's era thermal paper.
• No LCD or plasma TVs
  Marty McFly Jr. watches picture in picture, which is pretty cool I guess. But he does it on a shitty projection screen. No HD, no plasma, no LCD. Fuck that.
• No modern video games
  Marty plays a first-person shooter video game in the 80's cafe. It has a gun attached with a cable to the stand-up console and some sort of 32 bit graphics display. Not an anachronism certainly (it is the 80's cafe after all). However, there are no references anywhere to modern video games.
• No iPods, mp3 players, or even CDs
  While Marty's old-school cassette tape Walkman is a major factor in Part I (1985 and 1955), not one character listens to any type of portable music device in 2015. I guess the iPod becomes passe sometime between 2008 and 2015.
• The Cubs finally win another World Series
  At one point, a holograph display shows a congratulatory billboard for the Cubbies beating Miami in the 2015 World Series. One character implies that this is the first series the Cubs have won in more than 100 years. Oh wait. This is totally accurate. Though 2015 my be too soon.

Feel free to add to the list in the comments section (if you're a giant dork like I am).

Related post: Blaster's an Irrelevant Moron

Looks good to me.

There are some that are considered essential in American culture - entertainment that it seems like everyone has experienced. And yet I'm not always in that group of "everyone". Here are a few titles I've missed. I have had little to no exposure to the following:

Music

• The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
• The Beatles - Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
• Led Zeppelin - IV

Movies

• Citizen Cane
• Midnight Cowboy
• Dr. Strangelove

Books

• The Da Vinci Code
• Harry Potter (any of them)
• The Bible

Yes, I'm referring to the Bible as pop culture. It's a story, people.

Okay - so what pop culture you missed out on?

Customer at a diner: "I want a plain omelette, forget the tomatoes, don't put potatoes on the plate, and give me a side of wheat toast and a cup of coffee."

Waitress: "I'm sorry, we don't have side orders of toast. I can give you an English muffin or a coffee roll."

Customer: "What do you mean, you don't have side orders of toast? You make sandwiches, don't you?"

Waitress: "Would you like to talk to the manager?"

Customer: "You have bread, don't you, and a toaster of some kind?"

Waitress: "I don't make the rules."

Customer: "Okay, I'll make it as easy for you as I can. Give me an omelette, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast -- no butter, no mayonnaise, no lettuce -- and a cup of coffee."

Waitress: "One Number Two, and a chicken sal san -- hold the butter, the mayo, the lettuce -- and a cup of coffee... Anything else?"

Customer: "Now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, charge me for the sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules."

Waitress: "You want me to hold the chicken?"

Customer: "Yeah. I want you to hold it between your knees."

• Go to this website
• Click Vote Now
• Click Vote Now again (bottom left)
• Click and drag the scroll bar in the middle of the page to find the clip (it looks like this)
• Once you find the clip, click on it and rate it

It'll ask you to register. Do it. Seriously. It'll be your good deed for the day.

So, some Korean kid went nutso and shot up a bunch of people at his college.  And awile ago, the same thing happened in Canada.  The media jumps on it, looking for a reason or a motive, and most normal folk are concerned about it for about 5 minutes then on to the next grocery list of growing problems we have facing our culture and country.

Here's a perfect example of how crazy I feel when this kind of stuff happens and people try to talk about it with me:

Mom: Did you hear about this shooting thing in at Tech?

Me: Yeah.

Mom: It's terrible.  What kind of sicko kills innocent people?

Me: Well, do you want a real answer or an answer that will make you feel better?

Mom: A real answer (Aren't I the "child" in this situation?WTF?!?!!?)

Me: Well, the fact is mom, everyone is dangerous.  Every person you pass on the street is about 1 step away from losing it.  Why?  Because our world is full of terrible and horrible things.  And some people aren't strong enough to face down the world and come out sane.

Mom: Why doesn't it stop?

Me: Because the media pundits and "experts" tell us to blame it on T.V, Movies, Rap Music and Video games.  Because bullying is accepted and rewarded in our culture.  Because might makes right and eventually the little guy gets tired of taking shit and he decides that instead of living a life full of shit, he's going to excute himself.  But since he's probably a coward (most people are) he needs a reason to off himself.  So he starts killing the people he thinks either did him wrong or are getting a better deal than him.  It's rather mundane and normal when you think about it.

Mom: Well, someone like that should just hurt themselves and not others.  God wouldn't want that.

Me: Well, I guess it's too bad that what we want things to be like and what they are; are two different things.

Mom: How can someone do that?

Me: I could have done it.  I mean, jesus remember when I tried to run those two assholes over in high school?  I just wasn't weak.  And while I hate my fellow man, I hate him for reasons that are beyond the petty "you made me feel bad" type of feelings. 

Mom: Oh.

And the thing about this, is that this guy who killed people was probably a decent guy who broke.  We wonder why this happens like we don't think about strangling someone daily.  Violence is a part of our DNA.  That doesn't stop me from thinking he was a selfish, and weak prick.  It's easy to sink to the level of those who have hurt you.  True strength comes from seeing their bullshit for what it is and deciding it's just not for you. 

Or maybe it's just proof we're all fucked and the end is near.