By first believing in Santa Claus, then the Easter Bunny, then the Tooth Fairy, Rant Casey was recognizing that those myths are more than pretty stories and traditions to delight children. Or to modify behavior. Each of those three traditions asks a child to believe in the impossible in exchange for a reward. These are stepped-up tests to build a child's faith and imagination. The first test is to believe in a magical person, with toys as the reward. The second test is to trust in a magical animal, with candy as the reward. The last test is the most difficult, with the most abstract reward: To believe, trust in a flying fairy that will leave money.

From a man to an animal to a fairy.

From toys to candy to money. Thus, interestingly enough, transferring the magic of faith and trust from sparkling fairy-dom to clumsy, tarnished coins. From gossamer wings to nickels... dimes... and quarters.
In this way, a child is stepped up to greater feats of imagination and faith as he or she matures. Beginning with Santa in infancy, and ending with the Tooth Fairy as the child acquires adult teeth. Or, plainly put, beginning with all the possibility of childhood, and ending with an absolute trust in the national currency.

I was a goofy white boy who thought I was watching a movie about tough urban street kids. In reality, it's a piece of shit fantasy story about effeminate kids who dress like Olivia Newton John and prance around to awful copycat 80's hip hop. It's a fucking musical. Sure they don't sing, but every five minutes the characters start dancing around for no reason to music only they can hear.

In one awful example, "Turbo" is deep in thought - worrying about how he's going to woo some hot little piece of ass. How does he solve his dilemma? He dances by himself in some sort of kiddy clubhouse and ends up defying gravity by dancing on the walls and ceiling. The scene goes on way too long and makes no sense in the narrative. It's bullshit I tell you!

So clearly this movie does not stand the test of time. 25 years after it was released, this embarrassment of a film stinks like a pile of rotting dogshit. Let's look at a few other examples to see how they stack up. Please feel free to add to the conversation by leaving your comments.

• Back to the Future
  If you know me at all, you know I am a huge BTTF fan. Hate on the sequel all you want, but the original is an American classic. Marty McFly's mom tries to fuck him. Then Marty invents rock n' roll (Chuck Berry stole it from him)! This movie is insanity. In a good way. I'll never get sick of it.
• Beetlejuice
  This movie is a classic. And Tim Burton is a genius. Still, I can't sit through it anymore. It's boring. Maybe it's one of those movies that's only good the first time around, when it's still novel. Lame.
• Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
  Terrible. Keanu was sort of funny when this first came out. Now his character just seems sad. And that other guy is utterly forgettable. On the plus side, George Carlin is in it. Then again, he was also in Jersey Girl.
• The Breakfast Club
  Fucking brilliant. All the major archetypes of high school cliques are represented. It's an ensemble movie that takes place in one afternoon of detention. The result is an hour and a half of dialog about teen angst. Some of it feels very real and timeless - and the parts that feel dated at least bring about a little 80's nostalgia.
• Breakin'
  Piece of shit. Unless you've never heard of breakdancing, you'll hate this movie. If you've lived under a rock the past 25 years, you might think you're learning a bit about urban street dancing. In that case, kill yourself now because you've also missed out on cell phones and the Internet.
• The Dark Crystal
  Ummm... yeah. Maybe your five year old kinds might dig it. Then again, today's fantasy children's movies make this one look like a street corner puppet show.
• Dirty Dancing
  This one's great!.. If you're an ugly chick or a gay dude.
• Ferris Bueller's Day Off
  Finally we've got another good one on the list. This guidebook for mischievous teens still makes me laugh. So many memorable lines and over-the-top moments. Definitely a classic.
• Flight of the Navigator
  Aside from the title, I barely remember this one. Is this the movie with Pee Wee Herman's voice as the spaceship? I think it might be okay. I'm not sure.
• Ghostbusters
  Yes! Goddamn fantastic. The effects probably look ridiculous, but the humor is badass. Bill Murray is a legend, and Rick Moranis unexpectedly steals the show.
• The Goonies
  Why don't they make kids movies like this anymore? The characters curse and play pranks on each other and break countless laws... and in the end they are rewarded for their imagination and curiosity. I'm not fucking around when I say this is one of the best movies ever. Fucking ever.
• Gremlins
  I'm pretty sure this one was never good to begin with. The movie is sort of a clean cut sci-fi horror type thing that centers around some cutesy Ewok looking creatures. The characters explain the "rules" in a werewolf/vampire sense (silver bullet, stake through the heart, etc). In this case, the creatures aren't supposed to get wet, can't be exposed to direct sunlight, and can't eat after midnight or else some crazy shit will happen. All three of these rules are broken in the movie without consequence.* The fucking basis of the entire movie fails because of horrible scriptwriting and planning. Dogshit.
• The Karate Kid
  Sweep the leg, Johnny! Wax on, wax off. I haven't seen this one in a while either, but I'd guess it's still good. So memorable - so much nostalgia. How could you go wrong?
• Princess Bride
  Everyone loves this movie. It was great when it came out and it's still great today. The difference here is that this movie was written and directed to be a classic, not just some summer blockbuster for teens. It's a work of art.
• Revenge of the Nerds
  Oh man I hate to say this... but... This movie sucks a fat one. The tired stereotypes of the nerd and jock and gay dude and pervert have been so overdone since this movie came out that it makes this one look terribly out of date. Though I will admit this movie is more edgy than its modern counterparts. Could a current movie get away with depicting a black gay nerd as a limp-wristed javelin thrower?
• Sixteen Candles
  Another classic. Great soundtrack, decent acting, hilarious storyline. I don't even care that the movie's central character is a teen girl, dudes still find this one funny.
• Weird Science
  How many of these fucking movies have Anthony Michael Hall in them?!? Then again, this one also has Bill Paxton and Robert Downey Jr. Must be okay, right?

*From IMDb "We learn... that they multiply with water. Yet they can still walk around in the snow (frozen water) and drink beer and soft drinks (water based) without any signs of multiplication... Sunlight kills mogwais. Yet, when Billy takes one of the "newborns" to his biology teacher, both the one he brings and the one that spawns off it are sitting in direct sunlight from the window blinds... Mogwai can't eat after midnight, yet it's never established when they can start eating again."

"What's a hipster?" you ask. According to Lanham: The hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream.

Sounds about right I guess. I spend a fair amount of time with hipsters, but I'm clearly not "cool" enough to fall into that category. I suspect any true hipsters would take offense at any kind of label that defines their subculture. Still, quizzes are fun and silly.

Regardless (no not "irregardless" - that's fucking retarded), I'm a firm believer that things happen in threes. So in this case, Bernie Mac was first. Then Isaac Hayes. So who's next?

What are the rules surrounding the "things happen in threes" rule anyway? If Mac and Hayes are the first two, then what criteria must the third meet? Are we talking three famous people? Three black dudes? Three comedic actors (gotta give Hayes credit for South Park)?

Maybe it's all of the above. If I were Chris Rock, I'd take my vitamins and lay low for a few days.

Let's get this started.

Here's the thing....Often, I think about a significant return to blogging.  I think of creating a new site, pimping it out, gaining a small readership and showing them cartoons and hi-fucking-larious posts(No shame.).  Often, I think of inviting some of the quality funny guys I know to blog with me.  I think of the good times we had and wish I could have them again.

Then, I slap myself for being a woman, and then roughly feel myself up. This makes me, myself, feel degraded and violated.  But don't get all "Call a rape center!" on me.  Because I was asking for it, in fact, I deserved it. 

Why?  Because Characters from TV shows have blogs.  Retail Corporations have "news blogs".  For Fuck's Sake, JJ's goddamned DOG had a blog.  Sure, it's cute and novel for a few days, but then when you look at it...it's like they've taken away something that was a tool for people to maybe express themselves in a way that was previously non-existant. 

Now, sure.  There are definitely people that should not have access to any kind of audience, lest they shatter that precarious self-image they have deluded into seeing.  But thanks to Reality TV, lots and lots (and I mean LOTS) of those people are being smashed into tiny pieces on camera and then slow-churned into nice little bits of voyeurism for all of use to gorge ourselves on.  We can taste their failure, self-hate, misery, and complete breakdown of mind. 

But it wasn't all "The misunderstood ramblings of a girl on the world" or "Edges of Darkness layered in Dark Corners of Dark Crybaby emotions and endless hours of The Cure.", was it?

There were some badass bloggers back in the day.  Like this chick Goldie from Austrailia? And This crazy kid, G-fry who went off to college.  or Tubbs from Lousianna.  Or Maine, from you know, well Ladytown, VA.  Shit, what about Mikey? And the entirety of QW's and The Churning link lists?

And while I was thinking about how great these blogs were, I realized in that moment, that we, ourselves, killed blogging.  Not corporations, not television show producers.  We did it.

We did it by allowing ads.  We did it by subconciously (however remotely) expecting that we were all clever, intelligent and talented people who "just hadn't been discovered, yet."  We did it by allowing things like BlogExplosion to breed.  We took something that could have legimately been a resource for better understanding of our fellow humans, and tried to squeeze a few bucks out of it.

I always said, when I started the QW! with J (not JJ mind you, he was last on the cast), we would write things that make us or our friends laugh and nothing else.  We would never censor ourselves, or be fake.  And we didn't.  And while not everyone liked the QW!, we did have a pretty large readerbase.  I think in a lot of ways, we were inspirational. 

And we killed it.  Because apparently, liking guns, making dick jokes, and running a joke campaign for the presidency is considered "being a dirty terrorist".  Yes, folks.  One of our own was insulted, threatened and otherwise abused for having an internet blog and just sharing thoughts, fiction, for entertainment purposes.  And we gave up.  We all quit and headed for the hills.  Out of fear for our friend, and maybe REALLY because we were afraid for ourselves.

 I looked at blogging in that moment, and I saw a dream, a chance and a hope shredded, splayed wide open, viscera and sinew stretched.  Blogging was dead.  As it lay there, clawed at, and fed upon by carrion vultures of our society, I could have wept.  Had I any part of me that was not cynical or bitter or just malcontent, I would have wept.

Sure, maybe I was an idealist, maybe I was an idiot for buying into an idea and believe that people at their core were not just rotten and self-centered. 

Maybe next time, we'll get it right.

• Freddie Prinze Junior has two scrotums but only one testicle.
• The Olsen twins have announced plans to market their own line of giant novelty sunglasses. They look just like the girls' regular sunglasses, but while the twins wear them to look cool, non-celebrities will wear them because they want to look ridiculous.
• Joaquin Phoenix is not able to speak louder than a whisper. It's not a vocal disorder though; it's actually part of his religion - The Church of the Whispering Johnny Cash (The Other J.C.).
• Brittany Murphy has an irreversible bacteria imbalance in her lower intestine. It's not painful and it will not have a negative impact on her health, but there is one side effect: her farts always smell like delicious chocolate.
• People come to The Churning every day looking for naked pictures of Mila Kunis.

Okay, that last one's true. It has something to do with a picture I linked in an old post. I guess the pic was taken off the original site, so people come here hoping I've posted it. Well, I'm not going to show you that pic for two reasons. 1. If that other site was forced to take down the pic, I don't want to get pulled into that mess. 2. I don't have the pic.

But - If you're interested, follow the jump for some sexy fully-clothed Mila Kunis pics.

My only criticism is the voice over. Sounds like a teenaged pothead with a slight lisp.

(Stolen from The English Guy, with a heads up from Diane.)

Click here.