Santa prepares you for the free market
On this Christmas Eve, I give you an excerpt from Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey by Chuck Palahniuk. The passage teaches us how important it is to believe in Santa Claus. It's the first step in understanding capitalism.
By first believing in Santa Claus, then the Easter Bunny, then the Tooth Fairy, Rant Casey was recognizing that those myths are more than pretty stories and traditions to delight children. Or to modify behavior. Each of those three traditions asks a child to believe in the impossible in exchange for a reward. These are stepped-up tests to build a child's faith and imagination. The first test is to believe in a magical person, with toys as the reward. The second test is to trust in a magical animal, with candy as the reward. The last test is the most difficult, with the most abstract reward: To believe, trust in a flying fairy that will leave money.
From a man to an animal to a fairy.
From toys to candy to money. Thus, interestingly enough, transferring the magic of faith and trust from sparkling fairy-dom to clumsy, tarnished coins. From gossamer wings to nickels... dimes... and quarters.
In this way, a child is stepped up to greater feats of imagination and faith as he or she matures. Beginning with Santa in infancy, and ending with the Tooth Fairy as the child acquires adult teeth. Or, plainly put, beginning with all the possibility of childhood, and ending with an absolute trust in the national currency.
I’m oblivious to your religion
"Merry Christmas!"
You might hear me say this from time to time this week. It's what I'm used to saying during the holiday season. "Happy holidays" is okay I guess. It just sounds insincere in its vagueness.
And if I tell you "Merry Christmas" and you happen to be Jewish or Muslim or Hindu or atheist or whatever, don't take offense. It's just that I don't give a shit about your religion. See, no reason to be offended. For that matter, I don't care if you're Christian (I'm an atheist. I wasn't even going to mention it, but I wanted to put this post into perspective. I really don't expect you to care what my religion is, or lack thereof. And I don't care if you care).
So in summary, here's my pledge to you this Christmas:
- I will not assume that your last name dictates your religion.
- I will not guess your religion based on your skin color.
- I will not belittle Kwanzaa or Festivus or the celebration of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. These holiday festivities are just as valid as yours.
- I will say "Merry Christmas" to just about anyone who smiles at me today.
- If anyone sneers at my friendly Christmas greeting, I'll mutter "ass bag licking douche fucker".
Merry Christmas!
Are Texans dimwitted, gullible, or simply uninformed?
A University of Texas poll found that 23% of Texans think that Barack Obama is a Muslim. I wonder if these are the same people who are bothered my Obama's connection to Reverend Jeremiah Wright. First they lambaste Obama for his past association with a loudmouthed figurehead of a Christian church. Now they're convinced he has devoted his life to Islam. Which is it, fuckwads?
Not that religion really matters anyway. We all know that this uninformed subset of Texans will vote for McCain regardless of their own misconceptions of Obama. They have their reasons.
God Damn! I Want to Create My Own 12 Step Program
I just found out that the original twelve-step program is based on religion. The steps include stupid shit like turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, have God remove all these defects of character, and improve our conscious contact with God. What a pile of horseshit - well at least it's horseshit for atheists like me.
So I wanted to create my own 12 step program for people who want to quit drinking or shooting up or whatever. But this shit ain't easy. I've only gotten to step five so far and now I have writer's block. Here's what I have so far:
Step one: We can have lots of fun
Step two: Theres so much we can do
Step three: It's just you and me
Step four: I can give you more
Step five: Don't you know the time has arrived
Okay, that was a long way to go for a stupid gag. Fuck it.
Also - Travis's roommate wants to know "What's weirder: gay blacks or gay Asians?"





