By first believing in Santa Claus, then the Easter Bunny, then the Tooth Fairy, Rant Casey was recognizing that those myths are more than pretty stories and traditions to delight children. Or to modify behavior. Each of those three traditions asks a child to believe in the impossible in exchange for a reward. These are stepped-up tests to build a child's faith and imagination. The first test is to believe in a magical person, with toys as the reward. The second test is to trust in a magical animal, with candy as the reward. The last test is the most difficult, with the most abstract reward: To believe, trust in a flying fairy that will leave money.

From a man to an animal to a fairy.

From toys to candy to money. Thus, interestingly enough, transferring the magic of faith and trust from sparkling fairy-dom to clumsy, tarnished coins. From gossamer wings to nickels... dimes... and quarters.
In this way, a child is stepped up to greater feats of imagination and faith as he or she matures. Beginning with Santa in infancy, and ending with the Tooth Fairy as the child acquires adult teeth. Or, plainly put, beginning with all the possibility of childhood, and ending with an absolute trust in the national currency.

You might hear me say this from time to time this week. It's what I'm used to saying during the holiday season. "Happy holidays" is okay I guess. It just sounds insincere in its vagueness.

And if I tell you "Merry Christmas" and you happen to be Jewish or Muslim or Hindu or atheist or whatever, don't take offense. It's just that I don't give a shit about your religion. See, no reason to be offended. For that matter, I don't care if you're Christian (I'm an atheist. I wasn't even going to mention it, but I wanted to put this post into perspective. I really don't expect you to care what my religion is, or lack thereof. And I don't care if you care).

So in summary, here's my pledge to you this Christmas:

• I will not assume that your last name dictates your religion.
• I will not guess your religion based on your skin color.
• I will not belittle Kwanzaa or Festivus or the celebration of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. These holiday festivities are just as valid as yours.
• I will say "Merry Christmas" to just about anyone who smiles at me today.
• If anyone sneers at my friendly Christmas greeting, I'll mutter "ass bag licking douche fucker".

Merry Christmas!

That reminded me of the classic church sign generator...

and the cassette tape generator...

and of course, who could forget the Einstein chalkboard?

Then there's the Monopoly card generator:

There are a fucking gazillion others. Those are just the first few that came to mind.

I remember seeing one of these with a naked chick where it looked like the text was written across her tits. I can't find the link. I imagine there are a ton of 'adult' sign generators, but the only ones I could find suck donkey balls. Can you assist?

Not that religion really matters anyway. We all know that this uninformed subset of Texans will vote for McCain regardless of their own misconceptions of Obama. They have their reasons.

So I wanted to create my own 12 step program for people who want to quit drinking or shooting up or whatever. But this shit ain't easy. I've only gotten to step five so far and now I have writer's block. Here's what I have so far:

Step one: We can have lots of fun
Step two: Theres so much we can do
Step three: It's just you and me
Step four: I can give you more
Step five: Don't you know the time has arrived

Okay, that was a long way to go for a stupid gag. Fuck it.

Also - Travis's roommate wants to know "What's weirder: gay blacks or gay Asians?"

I was thinking that gay might be the new black, but I'm pretty sure black is the new black.

Anyway, it's completely culturally acceptable to make fun of homosexuals - like doing a faux-effeminate voice for comedic effect or calling a dude gay if he refuses to drink a shot of whiskey. Not so with religion or race. I don't think you'd get away with calling a guy "jewy" when he leaves a small tip at a restaurant. And you definitely can't use racial slurs in common conversation. But "gay" - no one seems to complain when that word gets thrown around.

Then again, I guess it's still okay to accuse a guy of "throwing like a girl" or being a sissy.

I don't really have a point here. Just an observation.

I'm not too clear on the other parts of the story, but I think there's something about a naked dude who ate a bad piece of fruit. I think he got sick or something. Anyway, I'm getting a little off track here.

So this Jesus dude died or whatever. Then something else happened and then some more stuff happened. Now, 2000 years later, people keep thinking they see his face on stuff. Like on a burned tortilla or a grilled cheese sandwich. I'm not sure what their problem is - maybe they're delusional or something.

But now, Jesus is making a very special appearance in a very special place. I've posted a picture of it here. Can you guess what this very special place is? The answer will magically appear after the jump.

It's a dog's dirty asshole!

Check out getbehindjesus.net for more info.

(Hat tip: JuicyA)

Most of the time, I'm a nice guy. But, like everyone else, I have push button topics that set me off. Education is number one. Or the state of education in this country, rather. Apathy in politics is number two. And the third, and probably most important is ....Religion.

You see, I don't believe in anything. Not because nothing exists, but because I'm pragmatic. You see, I believe that religion existed at one time to guide civilization. And it served that purpose. It gave people dumber than Jessica Simpson and Homer Simpson combined a simple and clear direction on how to live life. Complete with "top 10 rules you should never, ever fucking break - GOD". Eat that, Letterman.

And so it went that religion was basically a way of using fear (all that wrath and hell fire gives me a nice rubbery one) to afford humanity an opportunity to survive each other and further the human race.

And honestly? That's something I can get into.

But the problem now, today, lies in the fact that Religion is a crutch. People pray for miracles and for the world to be fixed, instead of trying to fix things themselves and/or getting involved. This isn't the only problem with religion, I mean, there is all that magic, ghosts and D&D shit. Seriously? Water into wine, plagues of frogs, hail and urine? Where's the +99 Staff of Jesus? The Ascended Ark of Duplication? Fuck.

Another problem with religion today is the "My morals make me better than you" mentality that certain religious right members are strutting around the country.

Before I said that I'm pragmatic, but in my heart, I'm still an optimist. I keep hoping that something will happen on this planet to make us realize that the things we keep doing to each other are monstrous. That maybe if we really tried to cross boundaries, show how different we are from our ancestors, and really work together as a world race, life would be immensely better. And yet, I know that there cannot be any kind of God, because the irony is that we will never, and can never make that utopian society happen; because we are violent and somewhat evil by nature. That's why being bad feels so good.

Who's to say? Tom Cruise could be right, and there could be some Alien SuperGod out there. Right.....And tomorrow I could be crowned King of America, but I'm not polishing my scepter any time soon.

This very strange e-mail attempts to prove that Christianity belongs in the US government. It goes a little further, suggesting that Christians make better elected officials. And then it crosses the line entirely, suggesting that Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, etc should "sit down and shut up."

I have not confirmed the validity of any of the e-mail's claims, but I assume most are true. However, I do not by any means believe that the "facts" prove Christianity should be mandated - quite the opposite. I say this e-mail proves that some Christians, especially the ones who buy into this shit, are bigoted awful people.

Drum roll please.... here's the e-mail:

DID YOU KNOW? As you walk up the steps to the building which houses the U.S. Supreme Court you can see near the top of the building a row of the world's law givers and each one is facing one in the middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view ... it is Moses and he is holding the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW? As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door.

DID YOU KNOW? As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall, right above where the Supreme Court judges sit, a display of the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW? There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.

DID YOU KNOW? James Madison, the fourth president, known as "The Father of Our Constitution" made the following statement: "We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God."

DID YOU KNOW? Patrick Henry, that patriot and Founding Father of our country said: "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

DID YOU KNOW? Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the taxpayer since 1777.

DID YOU KNOW? Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established orthodox churches in the colonies.

DID YOU KNOW? Thomas Jefferson worried that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting the law would begin making law an oligarchy the rule of few over many.

DID YOU KNOW? The very first Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said: "Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers."

How, then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 220 years in this country is now suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?

Lets put it around the world and let the world see and remember what this great country was built on. I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I didn't. Now it is your turn... It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, it is very hard to understand why there is such a mess about having the Ten Commandments on display or "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the other 14% to Sit Down and SHUT UP!!!

If you agree, pass this on, I second that! In God we Trust

For argument's sake, let's say these "facts" are accurate. What this tells me:

• This country was founded by a group of white men who believed that a magical ghost created the universe.
• These men were bigots who believed there is one valid religion - and anyone who does not believe in God is not welcome in this country.
• Beyond that, anyone who believes in a different God does not belong here either.
• The founding fathers actually did not support the first Amendment of the US Constitution, which states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
• Thomas Jefferson must have been an oddball, suggesting there should be a separation of Church and State.
• The United States is not actually a "melting pot" as many have suggested. The "poor huddled masses" are in fact not welcome here... unless they're Christians.
• Our laws should be based on a set of ten rules that were written down more than three thousand years ago. Because things don't change over time. Rules like "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image" make perfect sense in 2005.

Okay... back to reality. Here's my take:

• I do not believe in God.
• Even so, I should feel welcome in my own country.
• Laws written to govern me should not be based on religion.
• I should have the freedom to believe what I want to believe without being told to "sit down and shut up."

I support the freedom of speech. And as all of you know, I do not "shut up" for anyone. So, to the author of this e-mail, I say "Fuck you."

Katie Holmes first met Tom Cruise when she flew out to LA to discuss a possible role in Mission Impossible 3. According to Foxnews.com, she vanished after that meeting. The next time Holmes was seen in public was 16 days later, when she was introduced as the love of Cruise's life.

Foxnews claims that during those 16 days, Holmes decided to fire her manager and agent - and she dropped two of her closest friends. She also allegedly dropped her faith. The story says Holmes was raised a strict Catholic, but after being out of the public eye for a couple of weeks, she emerged as a devout Scientologist.

Seems normal enough, right? You meet the perfect guy, take on his religion, fire your business partners, drop your best friends, and agree to get married. Ahhh, true love.

But according to the Foxnews story, Holmes was hardly an obvious match for Cruise. Before Holmes landed the real-life role of "girlfriend," the story claims Cruise auditioned several other actresses for the part, including Jennifer Garner, Kate Bosworth, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, and Scarlett Johansson. Gee, I bet those girls are kicking themselves now!

• Side note: Zombie Flyboy uncovered some very damning evidence against Tom Cruise that proves he likes the smell of butt. (Scroll down after you click the link.)