Unless everything can get worse, it won’t get any better
I just finished reading Choke, a book by Chuck Palahniuk. He's the guy who wrote Fight Club. The two stories have a lot of the same themes: chaos and order, addiction, 12 step programs, group therapy, death, etc.
The big difference here is sex. Lots and lots of sex.
The main character is a sex addict who works at a colonial theme park (imagine Colonial Williamsburg). The high points - or perhaps low points - involve anal beads, role-play s&m style rape, public restroom sex, and step by step tips for joining mile high club with complete strangers. The narrator is a former med-school student, so he talks about all of these activities in graphic detail. This is a novel that clearly belongs on the high school summer reading list. It's got more valuable info than health class.
There's also the sub-plot that gives the book its name, where the main character intentionally chokes on his food to get attention (and money).
All of this apparently stems from the way the guy was raised. His mother told him all kinds of shit when he was a kid. Some of it seems crazy, and some of it seems like true words of wisdom. Here's an example:
People had been working for so many years to make the world a safe, organized place. Nobody realized how boring it would become. With the whole world property-lined and speed-limited and zoned and taxed and regulated, with everyone tested and registered and addressed and recorded. Nobody had left much room for adventure, except maybe the kind you could buy. On a roller coaster. At a movie. Still, it would always be that kind of faux excitement. You know the dinosaurs aren't going to eat the kids. The test audiences have outvoted any chance of even a major faux disaster. And because there's no possibility of real disaster, real risk, we're left with no chance for real salvation. Real elation. Real excitement. Joy. Discovery. Invention.
The laws that keep us safe, these same laws condemn us to boredom.
Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace.
Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better.
Good shit. Reminds me of my frequent ruminations on good vs. evil. It's what keeps The Churning in motion.
Saved by Zero is a Clusterfuck
I hate hate hate that fucking Toyota commercial. Every Sunday during NFL games and every commercial break during the MLB World Series I hear "saaaved by zeeerooo! saved by zero - saved by zero!"
I could not possibly hate a commercial more than I hate this one. The song is catchy and completely awful at the same time. I will never buy a Toyota. Ever.
The original song is from The Fixx, an 80's band. It's full of syncopated percussion, synth sounds, tons of reverb, a mulleted singer with a grim face, and vocals that sound almost like a slightly more upbeat version of Joy Division. Totally 80's, but not vomit-inducing.
The song in the commercial, however, is clearly a studio recording by some piece of shit classic rock cover band doing their version of a song that was mediocre to begin with. Imagine a backwoods Florida rock band in black t-shirts, tight acid washed jeans, waterfall mullets, and black Reebok high-tops performing a full set of Foreigner songs. Then out of nowhere they sneak in their version of this clusterfuck by The Fixx. That's how bad this song (and this commercial) is.
Watch at your own risk. If you off yourself after witnessing this atrocity, I will accept no responsibility whatsoever. I warned you.
My new cell phone is ruining my life
Is there a 12-step program for cell phone addiction? Because I'm obsessed with my T-Mobile Dash.
The thing has Windows Mobile, so it syncs with my Outlook email and calendar. I've also hooked it up to my 3 active gmail accounts. And this phone has the worst of all evils - Bubble Breaker.
So not only does the thing buzz every time I get a phone call - It also goes off every time I get a personal email, a work email, or a meeting reminder. I carry it everywhere I go. I email from my car. I surf the internet in the elevator. I play Bubble Breaker at band practice.
Even when I'm in a room with other people, I've got my face buried in this little screen interacting with the outside world. I'm so connected that I may never have to have a face to face conversation ever again.
(Pic borrowed from Ubergizmo)
Viral Marketing – The Sprint Ambassador Program
Sprint is kissing my pasty white ass and I love it.
A couple of weeks ago, Guy Kawasaki posted a "how to" guide for building positive PR by brown-nosing bloggers. My mind started racing. I want the CEO of a large corporation to wipe my ass, suck the toe jam from my feet, give me a bunch of free shit, and then pay me. I bookmarked Guy's post and figured I'd come back to it...
Then out of the blue - through sheer coincidence - Sprint came a knockin'!
Hi JJ,
The Sprint Ambassador Team recently visited TheChurning.com and wants to invite you to participate in our Ambassador Program.
The Sprint Ambassador Program is all about exploring our latest products and services and allows you to give direct feedback to Sprint. We recently launched the Sprint Power Vision (SM) Network and want to provide you with the full experience, at no charge. Sprint Power Vision Network enables customers to download data at faster speeds and experience new data products.
So what’s the deal?
As a qualified participant, we will send you one Sprint Power Vision phone and provide you with six months of all-access service (at no charge). You’ll have access to the Sprint Music Store(SM) live TV broadcasts, gaming and more. Yes, you will also have unlimited free calling and data service. It’s a pretty good deal and all we ask for in return is your candid feedback (you decide how much and how often).
We look forward to receiving your registration!
The Sprint Ambassador Team
I thought, "Scam scam, scammy scam scammsters!" But I was wrong. I checked out the Ambassador website, read the terms of service, and Googled it to see if any other bloggers had been roped in. Sure enough, dozens of other bloggers had already signed up.
Sprint decided to use bored, geeky, rambling blog dorks to its advantage. You gotta figure that if you send a tech-nerd a badass cell phone and free service for six months, he's gonna write about that shit online. Viral marketing, bitches!
So I got my phone. It looks like this:
My first impression: This is way more than just a fucking phone. This thing is an mp3 player, a digital camera, a camcorder, a TV, a web browser, a gaming system... the features are endless.
I've already downloaded the Texas Hold 'Em game, an episode of The Daily Show, some standup comedy, a couple of episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, some CNN clips, a little ESPN action, some Franz Ferdinand mp3's and a couple of Morrissey songs.
For the next six months of free cell phone bliss, I will not suffer a single moment of boredom. And for that, Sprint, I love you.
The Gay Cowboy Movie
I mentioned to my co-workers that My Lady and I saw Brokeback Mountain last night. A couple of people seemed interested, but one lady said, "There's no way I'd see that movie."
"Okay..."
"Yeah, I saw Alexander at the theater and I couldn't believe it! It ruined the movie for me."
I assume the "it" she referred to is some kind of homosexual love scene, or two dudes kissing, or a gay relationship. I have no idea, I didn't see Alexander. My guess is she would hate Brokeback.
Seems like most critics have been quick to note that Brokeback is a love story, not a "gay movie." Honestly I don't get it. Middle America's not ready for a love story that happens to involve two dudes. Tell them it's a gay movie. We don't want them to be confused. Critics write reviews for the masses. For the rest of us - trust me, this is not what you'd expect from a "gay movie."
Last night at the theater, most people seemed to know what they were getting themselves into. Even so, there were a few gasps from the audience at certain points. Let me just say, gasping at two dudes kissing is completely moronic. You brought your wife to see the "gay cowboy movie." What the fuck did you expect? Man up, you pussy.
Just in case you're undecided about the film based on your own level of potential discomfort, I'll break it down for you. Here's what you'll see:
- Heath Ledger's ass for a couple of seconds - not in a sex scene
- Non-nude man on man sex. This is obviously the most "shocking scene," but they're not naked and the scene fades out after a maybe 30 seconds.
- Two naked dudes jumping into a lake, shot from a distance. If you buy the DVD, pause it, and zoom in, you might see Ledger's cock.
- Two dudes making out. There are several scenes where Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal swap spit. Maybe five minutes total.
- Gyllenhaal boning Anne Hathaway - and her tits are completely exposed (Yep, the clean-cut girl from the Princess diaries movies).
- Ledger boning Michelle Williams - she's topless too (uh huh, she's the hottie from Dawson's Creek).
- Fistfights. Several of them.
- Drinking. Lots and lots.
- Oh yeah - and Randy Quaid's in it.
I guess my point is this: To anyone who is sexually self-confident, this is not a "gay movie." There are more bare funbags in this flick than man asses. The most graphic gay sex scene is short and non-nude. The main characters drink heavily and know how to throw a punch.
Don't avoid it because you're freaked out by the whole gay thing. If you want a good excuse to get out of seeing it, just say you're gay and you're afraid that seeing Hathaway's perfect cans might turn you straight.
Subscribe via Email
Feedback
Recent Posts
- The night the lights went out in Philadelphia
- A list of my phobias
- Meat is so versatile
- The Codes on YouTube
- Finally some positive feedback
Recent Comments
- dominic on Normal Age for a First Kiss
- dominic on Normal Age for a First Kiss
- jazmin on Normal Age for a First Kiss
- jazmin on Normal Age for a First Kiss
- jm on Do Women Like Giving Blowjobs?
Blogs
- Adventures in Blah Blah Land
- Avitable-isms
- Bacon After Dark
- Captain & Coke with a Lime
- citynoise.org : Philadelphia
- Idle-Ranting Revisited
- MacBros’ Place
- My Life as Rocky’s Dad
- Randi’s Random Rantings
- String and Timekeeping
- The Airing of Grievances
- The Finest Kind of Pork
- The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!
- The Pop Eye
Friends
- An Artist’s Journal
- Martha Brooks Marshall
- Martha Brooks Marshall – absolutearts.com
- Molumbus
- Premium Horticultural Oil