When women are pissing and they feel the urge to drop logs, they simply let it go right then and there. See? Efficiency.

Funniest thing I've heard all day.

I think that's oldgreensock's joke.

Anyway... I was drunkenly celebrating oldgreensock's birthday this past weekend when I met a grammy winning banjo player. In my drunken stupor, I told him that the banjo is a weak excuse for an instrument. It's a half-assed drum with strings that sounds like a cat in heat. He seemed to be taking it pretty well, when someone leaned over to me and was like "Dude, that guy plays banjo."

"Yes. I realize that. And that's why I think it's important for him to know that playing the banjo is silly."

Pretty soon you're entertaining hundreds of virtual friends on a daily basis, revealing certain dirty little secrets that you might not share with your casual real-life friends.

But then you realize... If you're going to be completely honest on your website, odds are you don't want your boss/parents/friends to read it. Too bad you mentioned your blog to your closest friends and your boyfriend/girlfriend. Because maybe they happened to mention it to a mutual friend after they read something particularly funny/revealing. Soon your coworkers are reading it and your Mom stops by from time to time.

This is the point in the blog's lifespan where you have to make a decision:

Do you write about the cockjowling that took place Friday night? It would be hilarious for the hundreds of daily visitors who know how much of a fucked up freak you really are. But then again, do you want your coworkers to know what kind of person you are when it's 3:30am and you've had half a dozen wine spodiodis and twice as many Magic Hats?

Tough call.

I always worry about what people think of me. Always. I am completely incapable of being an unapologetic asshole. Herein lies the problem...

I am an asshole. I just can't be honest about it. If people only knew what I really thought of them. Sure, I have a lot of true friends whom I think very highly of. But then there are the rest of you fuckers. The people who could die and I would smile quietly. There are people in my life who I acknowledge - maybe I smile and wave - but inside I'm silently judging them.

If you're reading this and you're wondering where you fit in my silly little brain, here's an easy way to figure it out: If I hang out with you on a regular basis, I respect you and count you as a friend. If I ignore your emails and only see you when we happen to bump into each other, I probably hate you.

Sorry I can't just be open and honest about it. You'll have to figure it out for yourself.

_____________________________

It made me think - What could The Codes do on stage to impress a crowd (in addition to playing well)? Something that isn't cliché. Something unique.

Dozens of rockers have smashed their instruments on stage. The Red Hot Chili Peppers (and several other bands) have played naked. I once saw Anal Cunt light a broom on fire and throw it into the crowd like a spear. GG Allin cut himself and took a shit on stage. GWAR sprayed fake blood, semen, and piss on the crowd. The Genitorturers gave audience members body piercings during their set.

So I was going through this list with Ryanboy and he said, "Why don't you just shove your guitar up your ass?"

That's just silly. I don't want to get shit on my guitar. Plus, it simply wouldn't fit. The tuning keys would get caught on my sphincter. So I came up with another idea...

We could have our drummer shove a drumstick up his ass so the tip is sticking out and he could use it to play the ride cymbal, bouncing his ass up and down. Good idea, right? ...Somehow I don't think he'd be into it.

Any other ideas?

Comment spammers are silly fucks.  For some reason, they've set their spambots to attack The Churning, even though Askimet cockblocks them every time.  Usually, we get a dozen or so spam comments each week, but over the past three days we've snubbed more than a thousand dummy comments.

Being under attack sucks, but there's one positive spin to this story.  Before this recent shitstorm, the spam around here had been deadly-dull.  "Discount valium", "bargain viagra", "penis enlargement pills"...  I was beginning to think spammers had no imagination.  At least this time I was entertained.  Check out a few snippets from recent spam comments.  These are actual excerpts:

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Sexxxy!  Thank you for piquing my interest, spammers.  Now go home, insert a catheter into your tiny cock, and pour Drano into the tube.

I want to pay a doctor to open my mouth and slice out my uvula with a scalpel.  It's not that I have a snoring problem or uvulitis or anything.  I just think the uvula is fucking weird.  Who wants a tiny ballsack-looking skin flap in the back of their mouth all the time?  It's just silly. 

And if I don't get it removed, maybe I'll get it pierced.

1. Pussycat Dolls - PCD, I'm not sure why I like the Pussycat Dolls so much.  Could it be neon lights and the pretty pretty girls?  Could it be Busta Rhymes and Snoop Dog?  Or could it be that their producer knows how to make some sweet ass beats and those bitches can sing?  Yes, I think so.  Ever since Don't Cha, I've been hooked.  I'd say about 70% of the CD is pretty fucking good.  And even if you don't like the music, you probably want to sleep with them, so fuck off.

2. Polaris - Adventures of Pete & Pete, Hopefully everyone reading this is a die hard Pete and Pete fan much like myself.  If not, then here is a little background.  Pete & Pete was a show on Nickelodeon way back in the day.  The Petes lived in Wellsville which has got to be somewhere around D.C., San Antone, and the Liberty town.  They had some pretty crazy adventures, all of which now look pretty silly, but at the time and for us die hards, is still the shit.  They had a house band called Polaris and they fucking rocked.  And yes, I downloaded all their tunes and rock to it at least weekly.  I also bought Pete & Pete seasons 1 & 2 on DVD.

3. Justin Timberlake - Justified, JT....what more can I say.  That boy knows how to make that shit funky.  He's the MJ of a new generation, if he would ever put out another album (I know, its coming).  I love this CD.  Of course it's still that same old back beat rhythm, but he adds some spice to it.  And he can fucking dance too!  And fly!  I saw the video.  I would love to see him and Walken have a mid-air dance/fight contest.  That would rule.  I have high hopes for the new CD, but I could go on forever with the first 6 tracks on Justified.  It rules.

4. Huey Lewis & The News - Greatest Hits, what can I say, this man is a fucking genius.  Maybe it was the fact that he had the theme song for Back To The Future, but ever since I got my first copy of Sports I was hooked.  You can not deny the power of HLATN.  They rule, come on, Jacob's Ladder....fucking Jacob's Ladder people, that shit is awesome.  Now the old boy may be barely breathing, but he did have a duet with Gwyneth Paltrow recently in "Duets" of all things.  And oddly enough, she can sing.  Oh well, Huey Lewis rules.

5. Shania Twain - Come On Over, Country...I know.  But I like my country with a lot of flash.  I can't say too much about this one.  We had one of her songs as our "Wedding" song.  Lyrics were appropriate, so......fuck off.

There it is.  Now, please share with us some of the CDs you don't talk about in public.  Also, I've sprinkled in some lyrics from a  song that was playing while I wrote this.  If you can tell me the artist and the track title, I will send you a new Case Logic CD wallet with a copy of each of these discs in it.

Carry on.