The Churning is Fucked Up and Fake
This website is so fucked up and fake. I write like I have balls and don't give a shit what people think. But in reality, I'm just a fucked up douche like everyone else.
I always worry about what people think of me. Always. I am completely incapable of being an unapologetic asshole. Herein lies the problem...
I am an asshole. I just can't be honest about it. If people only knew what I really thought of them. Sure, I have a lot of true friends whom I think very highly of. But then there are the rest of you fuckers. The people who could die and I would smile quietly. There are people in my life who I acknowledge - maybe I smile and wave - but inside I'm silently judging them.
If you're reading this and you're wondering where you fit in my silly little brain, here's an easy way to figure it out: If I hang out with you on a regular basis, I respect you and count you as a friend. If I ignore your emails and only see you when we happen to bump into each other, I probably hate you.
Sorry I can't just be open and honest about it. You'll have to figure it out for yourself.
_____________________________
How to Impress a Crowd at a Rock n’ Roll Show
The Arcade Fire played on SNL last week, and at the end of "Intervention" the singer smashed his acoustic guitar. It almost seemed contrived, like he was trying to look like a rock star.
It made me think - What could The Codes do on stage to impress a crowd (in addition to playing well)? Something that isn't cliché. Something unique.
Dozens of rockers have smashed their instruments on stage. The Red Hot Chili Peppers (and several other bands) have played naked. I once saw Anal Cunt light a broom on fire and throw it into the crowd like a spear. GG Allin cut himself and took a shit on stage. GWAR sprayed fake blood, semen, and piss on the crowd. The Genitorturers gave audience members body piercings during their set.
So I was going through this list with Ryanboy and he said, "Why don't you just shove your guitar up your ass?"
That's just silly. I don't want to get shit on my guitar. Plus, it simply wouldn't fit. The tuning keys would get caught on my sphincter. So I came up with another idea...
We could have our drummer shove a drumstick up his ass so the tip is sticking out and he could use it to play the ride cymbal, bouncing his ass up and down. Good idea, right? ...Somehow I don't think he'd be into it.
Any other ideas?
The Churning is Under Attack

Comment spammers are silly fucks. For some reason, they've set their spambots to attack The Churning, even though Askimet cockblocks them every time. Usually, we get a dozen or so spam comments each week, but over the past three days we've snubbed more than a thousand dummy comments.
Being under attack sucks, but there's one positive spin to this story. Before this recent shitstorm, the spam around here had been deadly-dull. "Discount valium", "bargain viagra", "penis enlargement pills"... I was beginning to think spammers had no imagination. At least this time I was entertained. Check out a few snippets from recent spam comments. These are actual excerpts:
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Sexxxy! Thank you for piquing my interest, spammers. Now go home, insert a catheter into your tiny cock, and pour Drano into the tube.
I Want to Have my Uvula Removed

I want to pay a doctor to open my mouth and slice out my uvula with a scalpel. It's not that I have a snoring problem or uvulitis or anything. I just think the uvula is fucking weird. Who wants a tiny ballsack-looking skin flap in the back of their mouth all the time? It's just silly.Â
And if I don't get it removed, maybe I'll get it pierced.
CD Wallet Secrets
So for those of you who know me, I'm a card carrying indie rocker. I've played in enough bands, and enough smokey no name bars with 99.9% original music to guarantee me that card for life. However, as I look through my CD wallet, I realize that I have some treasures in there that I love, but who probably catch my Indie Rock Card on fire if it came in contact with them. So I'm going to run down my list of not-so-indie-rock treasures, and hope that you in return will open up your CD skeleton closet.
1. Pussycat Dolls - PCD, I'm not sure why I like the Pussycat Dolls so much. Could it be neon lights and the pretty pretty girls? Could it be Busta Rhymes and Snoop Dog? Or could it be that their producer knows how to make some sweet ass beats and those bitches can sing? Yes, I think so. Ever since Don't Cha, I've been hooked. I'd say about 70% of the CD is pretty fucking good. And even if you don't like the music, you probably want to sleep with them, so fuck off.
2. Polaris - Adventures of Pete & Pete, Hopefully everyone reading this is a die hard Pete and Pete fan much like myself. If not, then here is a little background. Pete & Pete was a show on Nickelodeon way back in the day. The Petes lived in Wellsville which has got to be somewhere around D.C., San Antone, and the Liberty town. They had some pretty crazy adventures, all of which now look pretty silly, but at the time and for us die hards, is still the shit. They had a house band called Polaris and they fucking rocked. And yes, I downloaded all their tunes and rock to it at least weekly. I also bought Pete & Pete seasons 1 & 2 on DVD.
3. Justin Timberlake - Justified, JT....what more can I say. That boy knows how to make that shit funky. He's the MJ of a new generation, if he would ever put out another album (I know, its coming). I love this CD. Of course it's still that same old back beat rhythm, but he adds some spice to it. And he can fucking dance too! And fly! I saw the video. I would love to see him and Walken have a mid-air dance/fight contest. That would rule. I have high hopes for the new CD, but I could go on forever with the first 6 tracks on Justified. It rules.
4. Huey Lewis & The News - Greatest Hits, what can I say, this man is a fucking genius. Maybe it was the fact that he had the theme song for Back To The Future, but ever since I got my first copy of Sports I was hooked. You can not deny the power of HLATN. They rule, come on, Jacob's Ladder....fucking Jacob's Ladder people, that shit is awesome. Now the old boy may be barely breathing, but he did have a duet with Gwyneth Paltrow recently in "Duets" of all things. And oddly enough, she can sing. Oh well, Huey Lewis rules.
5. Shania Twain - Come On Over, Country...I know. But I like my country with a lot of flash. I can't say too much about this one. We had one of her songs as our "Wedding" song. Lyrics were appropriate, so......fuck off.
There it is. Now, please share with us some of the CDs you don't talk about in public. Also, I've sprinkled in some lyrics from a song that was playing while I wrote this. If you can tell me the artist and the track title, I will send you a new Case Logic CD wallet with a copy of each of these discs in it.
Carry on.
