Response for Email Spammers

One of my Facebook friends says he replies to spam emails with this:

Thanks for contacting me! I think preying on the weak of mind is a zesty enterprise! How about this. YOU give me $1000, then, later, I will give YOU $1,000,000!!! All I need is your SS#, DOB, name, and.... well, $1000. Also: I am the King of Spain. I PLAN TO MURDER YOU SOON. Please take advantage of this opportunity, as it will not be available for long! I really hope to hear from you! Please keep this between you and I, as hope to complete this transaction in confidence. I think you are good looking. I am a Prince in Africa. I WANT TO EAT YOUR TESTICLES. I want to make you rich, however, I also want to tickle you into submission. DO YOU LIKE CEREAL? I think that puns are the highest form of humor! I am looking forward to hearing from you. If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have an enlarged prostate, which could require lengthy surgical procedures! Painful and bloody surgery could cost you thousands of dollars, as this opportunity will assure you $999,000! It will also assure you a serious ball-licking, as well as a healthy prostate and murder! I hope you have pancakes for breakfast tomorrow, as I plan to have a squirrel throwing contest with your mother, in which the top-prize is the peanut you use for a brain. Toodles. Hope all is well. You are a salad bar!

Of course - responding to spam emails is a bad idea because it confirms for the spammer that your address is valid and current. Maybe you could set up a dummy email account just for this purpose (Gmail allows you to send from multiple addresses).

Fuck all y’all douchebags. I’m loaded!

That's right. I don't need to hang out with any of you losers anymore. I'm fucking rich, motherfuckers! Bring on the gold digging sluts and yes men. And celebrities! They love to hang out with rich people. I'm gonna rock the ganj with Jack Black and Jack White - like a black and white cookie of stoner friendship!

It's a true rags to riches story. Life on easy street, baby! Some dude named Peter emailed me today offering me one million, four hundred twenty five thousand fucking dollars. And All I have to do is let him deposit a bunch of his money in my bank account. His stupid dad was assassinated or something. I didn't really read the whole thing. All I know is I've got the kind of cash that makes chicks forget all sexual inhibitions.

from: peter akanga (peterakanga0@yahoo.fr)
reply-to: peterazanga@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Dec 8, 2008 at 12:16 PM
subject: THANKS FROM PETER

Dear,

I know that my message will come to you as a surprise since I don’t know you in person or met with you before, but I am of the believe that you would be obliged to come to my assistance after hearing about my situation.I was, until recently, a Medical student of the University of Abidjan, Ivory Coast West Africa.

I am the only child of late Mr Frederick Azanga. My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant based in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory Coast. He was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discuss on a business last year.

When my mother died on the October 1989, my father took me so special because I am motherless. Before the death of my father last year, in a private hospital here in Abidjan. He secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has a sum of US$ 9,500,000 left in account in a bank here in Abidjan, that he used my name for the next of kin in deposit of the fund. He also explained to me that it is because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates.

1) I am honourably seeking your assistance to provide a bank account where this money will be transferred to.
2) You will serve as the guardian of this funds since I am a boy of 20 years.
3) You will make arrangement for me to come over to your country after the money has been transferred to you.I have plans to do investment in your country, like real estate and
industrial production.This is my reason for writing to you. Please if you are willing to assist me please indicate your interest.

I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after this successful transfer of this fund to your nominated account overseas.
Finally if you have any question as regards this transaction, so that I will send you documents of this fund. Note that the confidentiality of this transaction would be highly appreciated in replying soonest.
Thanks and best regards.

Peter Azanga
Email address azangapeter1@yahoo.fr

Hmmm... I wonder why this dude references three different email addresses. And why is his name spelled differently throughout? And how did he get my contact info? Uh oh...

Shit. I just read the last couple of lines. He wants me to keep this shit confidential. Fuck. I really screwed up this time. I probably ruined it by posting this on the glorious interwebs.

Okay. I take back everything I said before. I'll let you be my friends again.